الانتظار

كلنا يعرف الانتظار
ان تنتظر ساعة, يوم, شهر, او سنة او ربما سنوات.
تقول طال الانتظار ولكنك تنتظر.
كم يمكن ان تنتظر؟
الانتظار ملازم للحياة لا بديل له
تنتظر على محطة القطار وفى نفس الوقت تركب قطارات تحملك شرقا وغربا وشمالا وجنوبا.
تنجب اولاد
تكبَرهم
تتعلم وتنتقل الى وظيفة , تعشق او تدفن موتاك, تعيد بناء بيت تهدم على رأسك او تعمر بيتا جديدا.
تأخذك الف تفصيلة وانت وللعجب العجيب واقف على المحطة تنتظر. ماذا تنتظر على وجه التحديد؟
يرهقك التفكير ويرهقك تحديد الكلام ولكنك تعرف انك وانت تنتظر انجبت اولاد وتعلمت وتوظفت وشاب شعرك وعشقت وتمنيت

الانتظار حكاية غير قابلة للتلخيص
ثم ما موقع الخوف من وقفة الانتظار
الخوف المضمر كالمياه الجوفيه مقيمة فى اليقظة وفى النوم
اما الخوف الصريح فلحظة يرتج فيها وجدانك لحظة وتذول
الانتظار قائم بذاته ..صحيح , يشبه الارض التى نقف عليها  ولكن ذلك الشئ الاخر ايضا دائما هناك..
يراكم نوايا تعلن عن نفسها فجأة 

شخبطات عقل

ما الذى تفعله انسانة تشعر انها بالصدفة  فقط بالصدفة المحضة بقيت على قيد الحياة؟
كيف تعيش فى الدنيا  ان كان وجودها وكل السنين والشهور والايام واللحظات الحلوة والمرة التى عاشتها هى فضلات حركة عشوائية لقدر غريب؟
كيف تعيش فى الدنيا وهي تعى ضمنا او صراحة انها عارية.
عارية من المنطق, لاستحالة ايجاد اية علاقة بين السبب والنتيجة او للدقة استحالة فهم الاسباب حين تتساقط على رأسها
نتائج لا تُفهم
نتائج ماذا؟
وهى لم تفعل شئ ولم تع بعد اى شئ لا لانها صغيرة بل لان وقوع سقف الحياة على راسها كان نقطة البداية,
 فلماذا سقط السقف فى البداية ولم ينتظر ليسقط فى نهاية الحياة؟
ماذا تفعل؟
كيف تتعامل مع الدنيا؟
هناك اختياران: 
اما ان يجتاحها احساس غامر بالعبث واللامبالاه .. وليكن ما يكون مادام المعنى غائبا والمنطق لا وجود له والضرورة وهم من بدع الخيال 
والاختيار الاخر ات تغدو كأنها الانسان الاخير على هذه الارض تبلسم جرح هذا وتواسى تللك وتمد يد لهؤلاء 
تعيش خارج حدود الحياة خارج قطارها الماضى مسرع

i feel drained

I have been feeling frustrated, lonely, messed up both inside and outside, exhausted physically and mentally.
i feel drained.

I feel drained from all the things and obligations yet i'm not able to care of because i'm drained. 
I feel drained from the act of caring and equally the act of being pathetic.
I feel drained from all that i want and all that i'm in need to.
I feel drained from doing yet drained from being lazy.I feel drained from my sensing and feelings and judging and forgiving and loving and making mistakes and fixing mistakes and justifying and explaining and understanding and fighting, and compromising and accepting.
I feel drained from reaching out and settling down and stepping up and moving on and paying back and showing up and making up and acting out.

don't get me wrong I am perfectly fine, just that i feel drained. 

fluffy, childish mode

I accept your love and I give you mine.
Not the love of a women for a man,
not the love of a mother for her newly born baby,
 not the love of God to his creatures,
but a love with no name and no explanation,
 like a river that can't explain why it follows a particular course but simply flowsonward.
A love that asks for nothing and gives nothing in return, its simply there.
I will never be yours and you will never be mine, nevertheless, I can honestly say: I LOVE YOU.

--
Sent from Android Gmail

On a side note

Sometimes you meet people and you just feel convinced  that your relation won't work whatever kinds of relations it is.
Then you make it for a month, then two months, then a season, then half a year..
And then you realize that you got used to each otheryet as soon as you realize this you would each go your separate ways.
The more serious commitment would deprive you of your "liberty"
And keep you from experiencing everything you wanted to experience.
you believe that your basic values hadn't changed. But how to be sure!!

So you put things into testing get back to the basics stick to what both of you love to do and let go of everything else
I wanna spend hours talking to you, go to the cinema everyday
Go for long walks eat out, live in a small studio with a tiny wardrobe..
I wanna prove that my belief is true that most sophisticated things in the world are precisely those within the reach of everyone.
--
Sent from Android Gmail


--
Posted By Sarah to deeply in my mind at 4/27/2012 12:08:00 PM


--
Sent from Android Gmail

Posting my own secret on a card (April 2012)

I desperately want to feel happy and cheerful it's been too long ride of gloominess, disorientation and weariness...
ENOUGH!

Are we the result of what we learn?

We learn in the past, but we aren't the result of that.
I mean we do suffer in the past, love, cry, laugh in the past, but that's of no use to the present.
Present has its own challenges, its own good and bad side.
We can neither blame nor be grateful to the past for what is happening now.
Each new experience has nothing whatsoever to do with the past experience. It's always new.
Again I talk to myself in the forme of talking to other (as if someone is actually here)
no one ever stays the same.
people who quickly get this obvious fact of life are more alive than anyone else, they don't expect people to behave as they did when they first met, nor do they want people to stay the same as when they found each other.
People aren't used to that way of thinking. They want everything to stay the same
And the consequence of that is pain.
We aren't ever the person people wish we were. We are who we decide to be.
yes it is easy to blame others, but honestly our successes or failures are entirely our own responsibility.
And at the end even if we try to stop time it will be complete waste of energy.