And so, dear Narcissus, I hope you understand..

for an unknown reason today i remembered the story of  that boy called Narcissus how used to knee daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty.


He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned.
as the story says At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, which was called the Narcissus.

But this is not how the author of the story ended it…

The author goes on to say that when Narcissus dies, the goddess of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.

"Why do you weep?" the goddess asked.

"I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied.

"Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus," they said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand."

"But… was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked.

"Who better than you to know that?" the goddesses said in wonder. "After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!"

The lake was silent for some time. Finally it said:
"I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."

~ Quoted from Paulo Coelho

random thoughts about death (lack of security)

i always wanted to die young, i never imagined myself 50

i thought if i should die of cancer i want it to be liver cancer
because its fast and they'll give me a huge amount of pain killers so
i'll be numbed and dead.

but it never crossed my mind that i'll die of a bleeder stab in the
street like a street dog,

or i'll die the kind of death that my family have to identify my body,
i am not afraid of dying don't get me wrong (thought i'm not sure
whether i'm ready to face my after life or not)
actually its bothering me that i'm reckless about this subject, and i
become very bold when it comes to streets harassments
but what i think about everyday when i  leave the house and in my way
back is dying in such way
i am scared of being a thrown body on a side-way..

أكاد أجزم أنني أفضح نفسي امامه لأختبئ وراءها

Dear dead Man in my life,

I miss your stories.. both real and made-up.. mostly made-up, mostly real.

I seek you -or little parts of you- in others.

I do not need lecturing about any of the  issues i have. The issues are the issues , and are deceased.

 and to me you're dead in soul.

I do not need lecturing about letting go.

Also, free falling is not for me.

The borders get blurred and all (both? all?) men merge into one. 

And he is dead.

 And you are dead.

And I walk.

while i feel dead too

an unfinished post

the state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion is called Apathy (also called impassivity or perfunctoriness) .

An apathetic individual has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, or physical life.
 He/she may exhibit an insensibility or sluggishness, also.
 The opposite of apathy is Flow. 
In positive psychology, apathy is described as a response to an easy challenge for which the subject has matched skills........
and then i forget why i was writing this, or how i was feeling!!!!!

i miss that

زمان كان عندى ألوان والدنيا كانت صفحة بيضا

the living dead in weekends

for quite sometime now I have been suffering from what I call weekends
emotional rollercoaster syndrome.

of a piece of me that no longer lives and mutual memories

it has been 2 years I think since the "mozy" story, we haven't seen each other since September eleven 2010

That's totally fine with me, or at least that what I think.!!

I have met a couple new good, caring great friends, I have gone into a new career, meet new people, different mentalities, discovered new places that totally took my mind of, my health has never been better, anybody that sees me talks about how shiny and comforted my face look, and last year I actually achieved all the plans I planed to do in 2010 and I am grateful for all this, I seriously am

So what's wrong with me?

 Since two years I have never felt so happy, kind of happy like feeling you are flying, kind of happy like waiting for tomorrow to come this kind of happy that disappeared from my life

No longer excited about anything, I'm living like a shadow of me,

a heartless, mindless shadow of me

That didn't favorite a song, liked a piece of music, give a thumb up for a good romantic comedy , came up with one of those thoughts that used to keep people thinking and sleepless for days, write a post in this blog

With half the depth, the me type of posts as I used to write

Only thing I wrote lately was comments on books that I read, and for unknown reason reading is all I have been doing, well I have been watching too, just standing unnoticed in the background of life looking at people, at things, taking notes

Yet I don't have any clue why am I doing so, I feel I am hiding but I don't know from what, I feel I am lonely but its my doing only and it doesn't matter anymore.

I feel empty, and its rally frustrating , there's this thing that’s missing within me, the thing that gives meaning for life and living and I don't know what it is that I lost!?

Reason why I mentioned "mozy" in the beginning of this post is a saying I don't remember where I heard it or whom I heard it from, but I remember it says:

 "when you truly love someone you gave them a piece of you".

 so I loved him and I gave him a piece of me and he took it away and now something in me is missing, that’s the only explanation I have and no I don't feel the same way about him as I did before, actually I don't feel anything towards him right now, not love nor hate.!!

 Am I trapped in the past refusing to move into new expectations, new stories?

Hell no I'm not, I moved on, I am sure I did,

 yet to be completely honest there are things that still his, words, places, actions, stuff ,ect

Is it hunting me?

No its not, its just mutual memories that’s all

I am not getting anywhere from this post, why do all I say/think seems fuzzy, meaningless tough shit???!!!

 no ending