ابتعدت ..ونظرت.. فاكتشفت الكثير عن نفسى وعن الحياة

مدونتى العزيزة
وحشتينى...

تتزايد حالة التيه برغم من قناعتى الداخليه بأننى فى العامين الأخيرين كنت فى أفضل حالتى مع نفسى وكذلك كانت الدنيا معى..

العامين الاخيرين مروا كلحظة ... مشحنون بالأحداث الشخصية والعامة عامين سينمائيين كل دقيقة تمر فيهم تصلح أن تكون مشهد رئيسى فى فيلم درامى
تحقق لى على الصعيد الشخصى طموحات كثيرة بأعجوبة ... طموحات عشت أحلم بها طوال سبع سنين فأصبحت أكثر قوة واكثر ضعف فى ذات الوقت !!
بدأت معالم حياتى تتشكل أوضح أمامى ... أفكارى المبعثرة ..وما مضى وما كان يبدو بالنسبة لى الان مفهوم و
ذو معنى وانظر له الان كله من الخارج صرت الان خارج اطار احداثى السابقة فرأيت أفضل ووعيت أفضل وبدت لى الصورة كلوحة مصنوعة يدويا بها اخطاء وبها جماليات وبها روح وبها فكر وبها معنى ..

لأسباب أعرفها ولا ارغب فى التفكير فيها لم اكون اكتب مؤخرا .. برغم من سيل الأفكار برأسى .. برغم من الالاف العناوين والمواضيع المدونة بنسخة درافت فى رأسى ولكنها كلها مبعثرة بلا ترتيب أو نسق .. كما لو ان رأسى قد ضاق بأفكارى فصار يكوم الكلمات والحروف عشوائيا!!

اهتمامى بنفسى وحبى لها كان المدخل الى تحملى قضاء وقت طويل انزويت فيه عن العالم من حولى وقاطعته حتى نسيانى
حتى تهدمت بفعل الزمن والاختفاء احباطات ومعانات وذكريات وصور واحداث 10 سنوات او اقل
وخرجت من كومة الكتب والاراء والمعانى والمفاهيم والاحاديث الطويلة العميقة مع اصدقاء او معلمين اذا جاز التعبير انسانة اهدأ شغلها جودة الاشياء والاوقات وقيمتها ...
تقبلت وامتصصت ووسعة افقى لما رأيته مختلف عنى او غريب منى وصمت .. وصمت .. وصمت.
لم يعد فى حياتى ولا فى عقلى مكان بعد ما مر من سنين وما تعلمت عن الحياة وعن نفسى وقت لأفكار سلبية ولا أشخاص محبطة تعسة ولا أوقات بلا معنى ولا علاقات بلا معنى.

اكتشفت ان الحياة تكون قصيرة فقط لمن لديهم حياة يعيشونها
ان كل الاشياء نسبية فى النهاية فنفس ما يسعدك قد يحزننى ونفس ما يضعفك قد يقوينى وما تعتبره خسارة قد يكون لى فرصة
هذه هى الحياة اطار واحد متسق منفرد مترابط ومتنافر ..

forever friends

Every so often, we meet people in this world who change our lives in a real way.
Or maybe, it's that you have friends who are with you during life-changing periods of your life and they forever remain tied to that person you were as you were becoming who you are.

I have several of these friends, people who stood by me, walked with me and held my hands during critical points of my life. 

They have my secrets in their hearts, they know my soul. 

Some of them are still my friends, some still flit at the edge of my friendship circle, while others have wandered out of my life entirely.

Moments like these makes me remember how fortunate I am in the realm of friendship. How lucky I am to have a host of friends who touch me, who love me tenderly and toughly, who simply know me. 

Thank you, my friends, far and wide, for loving me and all of my numerous imperfections.

Thank you for standing by me, for holding my hand, listening to my words, hearing me.
 It has been a privilege walking this journey of life, sharing my joys.

Thank you.

فيه شخبطة فى دماغى

been thinking about that phrase for sometime now.. its funny.. no one reads directions on a shampoo bottle anymore.. you just know you're supposed to "lather, rinse, repeat".. If product gets into eyes, wash them immediately with water. If problem persists, consult your physician. For external use only (who would ever drink shampoo!)

It's funny.. just becomes a background process keda.. you never stop to wonder or think, is there a better way to do things? Maybe i shouldnt repeat lest my hair gets too dry.. Do i need to change my shampoo? What about conditioner? it just becomes part of your routine..
(note to self -and to readers-: i sound too much like who moved my cheese!)


I am questioning my shampoo big time.. maybe i need to wash my hair with soap instead.. maybe i need to switch to a more fancy brand... i dont know YET, but what i do know is, its time to throw away that bottle and requestion my hair washing techniques!


(As my best friend he'll: ely fahem 7aga yerfa3 2eedo!) All in favor say "Aye"..


bahayes no? "feh sha5bata fe demaghy", saraseer and spiders too..


Anyway, to rap up, here is a part of a song from my childhood that i relate to....
read it thru, its deeper than it seems..


would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a fish


A fish won't do anything but swim in a brook
he can't write his name or read a book
to fool the people is his only thought
and though he's slippery he still gets caught
but if then that sort of life is what you wish
you may grow up to be a fish
a new kind of jumped up slippery fish


And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo
everyday you see quite a few
so you see it's all up to you,
you could be better than you are
you could be swinging on a star




p.s. would you please say a little prayer for me..

the less walked road

i live by the clock that needs new batteries;

but i never buy them.

i like to live when the time does not move,

i like to believe that i dont have to rush through.

for every instance that i look around,

for every detail that i ponder over,

i take away a so called moment

from the so called definition of life.

time ticks by or it doesn't,

i atleast know that i am a bit closer to reality;

the one that illusion creates

runs farther with every piece of it.

the dust that i clear

when i revisit my life

chooses not to settle back ever,

because i promise to construct with them

the path that i have begun to tread upon

for life is not a multiple construction story

but the same one,one above the other.

provoking a feeling within me

sitting in my bubble now,listening to music as i am writing this

in spite of the fact that i prefer silence at such times

music always distracts.

but today it is behaving differently;

it is forcing me to write by provoking a feeling within me.

as is mostly the case, i leave the feeling unnamed.

they seem beyond the grasp of words like nostalgic and reminiscent,

the words dont describe the tears that my heart bleeds

when it gets in touch with sudden peace

And not just that-it is fulfillment.

it comes with knowing the fact that i am living:

honestly and in my true definition-

living with uncertainity and in the moment-

the secret of all risks, and success.

feeling fragile

been quite sometime now that i've been feeling i am made of glass, one careless mistake and i'm broken..
afraid of life and living, of people of their behaviours..

frustration struck

I had to talk myself out of bed this morning..
--

bipolar me

And so, dear Narcissus, I hope you understand..

for an unknown reason today i remembered the story of  that boy called Narcissus how used to knee daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty.


He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned.
as the story says At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, which was called the Narcissus.

But this is not how the author of the story ended it…

The author goes on to say that when Narcissus dies, the goddess of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.

"Why do you weep?" the goddess asked.

"I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied.

"Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus," they said, "for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand."

"But… was Narcissus beautiful?" the lake asked.

"Who better than you to know that?" the goddesses said in wonder. "After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!"

The lake was silent for some time. Finally it said:
"I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected."

~ Quoted from Paulo Coelho

wearisomeness

i'm exhausted of  interfering people and their suggestions

i'm exhausted of acting as if i'm made of stainless steal

i'm exhausted of the fact that i only have one day off every week and i can't take vacations before 6 months 

i'm exhausted of stupid people's comments on the streets

i'm exhausted of the never out of time phrase " you have a marriage proposal" even at work they only knew me for less than 3 months and they started arranging for grooms for me

i'm exhausted of hating mozy, its too exhausting 

i'm exhausted of the fact that i now know how to lift myself up and letting me crash down or cry
................

i am exhausted that's all

brain dump during a randomness mood

- Question : Why the hell do you torture me like that every time you feel like it?

Answer : because I can !

- Humiliation so painful that makes suicide sound convincing .

- A luxurious prison, is still a prison.

- Marionettes is a sick, sadistic sort of art , yet everyone seems to enjoy the show .

- Anger ate my sanity and i'm always angry , doctor says its because i drink too much coffee !! 

- Female on display .

- Even Barbie got a bad reputation , KNOWING that it's just a plastic DOLL .

- Hit your head against a wall ; your head will bleed, the wall will crack 
but the problem will remain UNSOLVED !

- One person's misery is measured according to their own standards .

- can Too much love make a person crave for loneliness , sometimes ??.

- Justifications are a guilty conscious sedative drug .

- No matter how logical a person's point of view, its still a POINT OF VIEW !

- The group of hypothetical people always "SAYING" their holly opinions 

upon EVERYONE'S behavior : MASS MURDER !

pure emptiness to me is called liberty

i checked my Gmail, my Hotmail, my yahoo mail and i found NO incoming mails at any of them, so i got rejected by 3 different kinds of mail accounts, but i'll get over it , no worry :)

i checked my Facebook profile there's not a single notification or even invitation to any silly quiz or application, nor any massages even auto massages from groups or fan pages NON.

i checked my twitter profile no replies, no DM

and of course my mobile stopped ringing long time ago, 

actually i made a new recored see from 16 feb till 19 feb my mobile didn't make any sound, not even a missed call, no sms, NOTHING

there was a period of my life when my mobile was nice to me, during that time it used to ring the minute i look at it or think of somebody and i find it ringing right away

but that was back then.

nowadays i can look at it till tomorrow and it will do nothing, not even the sound of the battery becoming empty.

now when i even call any of my old friends "reconnecting with people ya3ni" they are either busy to reply or actually if they do reply i find nothing to say, no conversation!! 

i'm not an anti-social person but currently i appreciate/ want to be alone , but i'm not letting myself fall into this empty dark space because its not healthy, so i am pushing myself to do stuff to keep busy.

i have this illusion or maybe true feeling that i become a boring, not good company person, so whenever i think about communicating with any of my friends or people in my network even , i find this imaginary recorder voice massage playing in my head 
" the number you're calling really won't or don't want to answer your call, so for the sake of humanity go find yourself something useful to do".

i know that all i said is confusing, but to say it straight forward i don't care that i'm alone, matter fact i enjoy being alone, yet i shouldn't be alone because its not right/healthy to shut myself from the world..!!!!  

confessions

I'd like to think I'm not a high-tempered neurotic person nor am I a calm and quiet one either.
 Pretty much a normal girl who tries hard to keep my emotional outbursts to the minimum in public.

I don't know how long has this been happening, but it's a recently, probably a couple of months or so. 

It's like because so many feelings and emotions are kept inside, I sort of get those emotional bursts.

 If it were a movie, you'd see my hair big and messy, dark makeup melting off my eyes, shouting , insulting and cursing.

 Yelling at the top of my lungs like a crazy person.

 Then in a few seconds, I push some of it out and go back to calmness.

 In the movie version, I straighten my hair, wash my face, put on some lip gloss and smile my way back into whatever I was doing.

sometimes , I really wish I can just tell it to the face of the people who deserve it. 

But really, the responsibility of this actions is not the kind that I can deal with.

It's odd. but it does happen! Only for a few seconds like I said. And thank God, only inside my head. 

** i have been suffering from this odd syndrome lately, which includes mixed feelings of anger, anxiousness, super hyper, feeling like crying and telling jokes at the same time

but the feeling that mostly makes me uncomfortable is this strange feeling of not belonging anywhere, i can't stand staying in any place anymore..

 when i'm i'm at work or at home or out with my friends there's this continues feeling inside that is not justified at all that i need to be somewhere else now!! 

 that's it for now.

Unemotional decision

I thought about it over and over again and again and  I made my decision. 

Had it been a normal feature however big, we would have decided its not worth the effort. But wait, why compare it to a feature when its much much more. 

Had it been a  project, that feasibility study would prove it not worthwhile, so we won't bother.

So, I did study all the aspects, examine them closely and took a rational unemotional decision. I don't like life...

I want out.

My decision should neither imply that I'm depressed (although I am, but that's beside the point), nor that I am suicidal (cause I'm not at all). 

I'm just adding 1+1 rationally and unemotionally; I don't like life, I want out!

the seasonal blues

I start with my seasonal blues Every year, around this time of year, mid December to mid February, I get my seasonal blues. I'm not sure why this particular time of the year; might has to do with the amount of terrible things that have occurred in this particular time of year. Maybe with the fact that we place so much hopes on the "new year" and by the end of the year, it's time when we face the fact that another year has gone and we haven't accomplished much. Maybe because because of after the new year Valentine season "the loneliest time of the year" will hit my and knocks my out again, because of the negative co notations that I grew to associate with it. Just maybes.. I can't really tell. Anyway, I usually try not to acknowledge this season, hoping that if I ignore it, the blues will go away. Apparently, they never do. It's a nasty trick that life always plays on me. But , I'm fine.. really, or so I'd like to think. Well anyway, that being said, I move from my seasonal blues to my seasonal greetings... Happy New Year everyone! May you never be cursed with demons like I have in my head!

the story of the broken wing bird who can nolonger fly

blah blah blah .. blah blah blah blah blah blah post is erased you don't get to hear the story

i am On my own..

Thank you for reminding me of the good times I can have on my own.. and thank you for reminding me of things I enjoy not on my own.. my little pleasures :) It's good to know, and it's good to share... the illusion of companionship.. :)

Cause I'll be fine Oh, I'll be fine

love winter, i particularly love winter mornings.. December is also Christmas mood, so throughout all December, whenever I ride with Fancy in the mornings, its Christmas carols and songs time :D She has this weird addiction that throughout all December she has to listen to it.. tans of songs, some so cool, some not, but the cool ones definitely put me in a nice sweet mood.. So this song is one of my very favorites.. It has a tint of sadness in it, but what i like is the hopefulness.. the girl's sound is lovely.. perfect for a winter morning Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair Maybe I'll move somewhere Maybe I'll get a car Maybe I'll drive so far They'll all lose track Me, I'll bounce right back Maybe I'll sleep real late Maybe I'll lose some weight Maybe I'll clear my junk Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine Me, I'll be just Fine and Dandy Lord it's like a hard candy christmas I'm barely getting through tomorrow But still I won't let Sorrow bring me way down I'll be fine and dandy Lord it's like a hard candy christmas I'm barely getting through tomorrow But still I won't let Sorrow get me way down Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew Maybe I'll just lie low Maybe I'll hit the bars Maybe I'll count the stars until dawn Me, I will go on Maybe I'll settle down Maybe I'll just leave town Maybe I'll have some fun Maybe I'll meet someone And make him mine Me, I'll be just Fine and dandy Lord it's like a hard candy christmas I'm barely getting through tomorrow But still I won't let Sorrow bring me way down I'll be fine and dandy Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas I'm barely getting through tomorrow But still I won't let Sorrow bring me way down I'll be fine and dandy Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas I'm barely getting through tomorrow But still I won't let Sorrow bring me way down 'Cause I'll be fine Oh, I'll be fine

i'm thankfull for these things

p.s don't get used to this "sunshine mood" Rehab city and my key, makes me feel I've a place to turn to whenever i can't find my way. the smell of coffee Breakfasts, coffees, lunches and phone calls with special people who don't need small talk. dear people whom I would tell "call you back" and then call them back a week later. friends who would listen to me going on and on and on about useless blah blah blahs and they still would have the decency to not bang my head (or theirs) against the wall in despair! a father who compares me to Israel whenever I try to act friendly with him (and end up taking his space and sharing his food!) a father (the same man) who would say that an age difference of 20 yrs is not much between spouses, but would immediately yell at me when I say, so it is OK for me to marry a guy in his late-40s. a mother who would understand when I tell her that as a child I used to wonder why my father married HER, as a teenager I used to wonder why SHE married him, and as an adult, I understand and I hope to have what she had. believing in a God who treats/judges us "bema howa ahloh" not "bema na7no ahloh". having been loved by people throughout my life, not so much so that one person would kill himself for me, but enough that ALL the people who love(d) me combined would sacrifice maybe a small chicken or something for me. Well, maybe just a pigeon, or a frog. Something! having special people in my life who understand (and hate) my attachments, detachments, and general commitment phobia. being able to remember names, faces, and events that I only know through the cyber space (thank you Facebook, Blogger, and Twitter), even if it gives me a creepy, stalker-ish edge! feeling that life is both over- and under- rated. having A.S may he be resting in peace as a mentor/friend who brought me to tears with anger, intensity, and happiness at different points over the years.. who called me a drunk Sufi sometimes and 3abla Kamel other times.. who made me see how scared I am of people having expectations from me, and who made me look for answers and patterns, and helped me understanding that the "dog crossed the road" just because the dog crossed the road.

cursed

Let the show go on and on Let your hell burn me alone Let me die here on my own Let my blood be your wine I’m all yours, but you’re not mine Life is perfect, life is fine Let your curse be my life I’m the slain and you’re my knife Be my widow, not my life Let me get back to my world to The Resting place of a restless love slave