stupid morning

stupid Saturday summer morning..morning breathe came carrying your stupid smell and the smell of your stupid morning coffee and the sound of your stupid morning music..

(the) june the first

somehow i feel my day was awful and miserable and now am feeling the
same and having this urge to cry
i feel lonely
the answer to your question "why i mailed him"
i guess because sometimes when you see yourself having no present to
talk about, no future to make your loved ones/ friends share it with
you, you tend to dig up the past to prove to yourself and to those people in your present that
you once were loved, that your life wasn't always dry and empty.!!

being what i am a person who hate my past and everything in it, a
person who's allergic to memories i must say at the end of the day i
find myself/what i did today (mailing him) pathetic. 
thats the word i
was trying to find all day.

no, this post isn't just & no its not coming out from deeply in my mind

I have been loved,

world i have been loved and that's something i think everybody must feel at least once in his/her life time..

i have been loved and i felt it,

i have been loved and i touched it, 

i have been loved and i have seen it in his eyes,

i have been loved too much to a degree that it was hard for me to actually believe all that love giving to messy scary me.

i have been loved and i knew even before it came that I'd rather argue with him till the sky falls down on me than be with anybody else.

i have been loved and i have never find the right time or place to tell that amazing someone that " i choose him" 

that i wanna wake up with him, fall asleep with him and do everything in between with him.

i have been loved and i was too worried to enjoy it as much as i should have because i was old and wise enough to know that fairy tales doesn't come true.

i have been loved and that is something you should feel at least once in a life time.

i have been loved

thank you for once loving me.

sarah

wearisomeness

i'm exhausted of  interfering people and their suggestions

i'm exhausted of acting as if i'm made of stainless steal

i'm exhausted of the fact that i only have one day off every week and i can't take vacations before 6 months 

i'm exhausted of stupid people's comments on the streets

i'm exhausted of the never out of time phrase " you have a marriage proposal" even at work they only knew me for less than 3 months and they started arranging for grooms for me

i'm exhausted of hating mozy, its too exhausting 

i'm exhausted of the fact that i now know how to lift myself up and letting me crash down or cry
................

i am exhausted that's all

a note

I erased you, and my pen broke.....

note to him, the one who never reads!!

you stayed around because you knew i care for you,
 and i stayed around because i knew you care for me, 
then months of separation went by,
months of not wanting to show care or not caring anymore from both sides, 
yet we stayed around ..me because i had this tiny hope still and because i didn't want to be the one who play bad,
 and you wanted me around for one selfish meaningless reason which is because you're used of having me around, till i got sick and when you knew it was like hearing a news from cnn about someone you never knew..
 no be well phrases, no can i come to check on you, not even a phone call..:(


not that i was waiting for any of these to happen but its just what should normally happen , 
not because its me and you\re you
but because asking about someone whom you know and know to be sick is standard normal behavior..


so it finally hit me its useless and meaningless to be around, to be approachable/reachable
and in a single moment of courage that i took full advantage of because i knew well i'll regret it later 
I BLOCKED YOU
yes i did, 
in every mean of communication that you can communicate with me through or get updates about me from and also to stop stalking your updates as well..
hmm will not all means awi you still have my # but i'm sure you'll never think of call anyway..


its not good or bad, not right or wrong, not sad or joyful its just life :s


so i surrounded myself with high walls, getting back to my shell, and running away because thats the only way to goon and live my life, i'll keep running, keep pretending that nothing happened, that you never existed, till i one day actually believe it..
so please don't mess my plan

note to him

Every time I see you or talk to you, I automatically go back to hoping and believing that we still have a chance to be together forever the way both want, so if it isn't true then lets end it now once and for all because I can't keep doing this to myself! 

my 10th of jan speach

On my mind is one phrase that keeps going on and on and on: ".. for who else would make the journey".. It's part of a sentence keda.. hmmm i dont know.. very meaningful in context. 

======
 But, I can now remember the complete sentence from which I quoted, and it goes like this: "if you find me here, I know you care, for who else would make the journey..."


Only now does it make that much sense, when it changed its purpose..

So, find me.

i miss you

Seems I'm not getting over you. I keep thinking of you and all the times we had together; the fun and the not so fun. I remember the days I used to complain, I was so naive, forgive me, I now know how much of an idiot I was to be sad in such a heaven. I miss everything about you. I miss hanging out with you, having coffee, sharing music, chatting with you, i miss having launch with you, watching TV, discussing BL episodes.. i miss seeing myself in your eyes, i miss feeling alive.. I discovered that since our life together was so fulfilling, I up on our social life, and now, its so hard not to have either of you. It's so hard to try to get in touch with old friends and I don't have enough of you. I'm becoming a social retard. Anyway, that's all side effects which I am trying to accommodate to. At the end I'd say,still i am thankful for the opportunity, the experience, this year together. Like they say, it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all, otherwise, how would I have known such genuine love. NOT OVER YOU Sarah

Memory persistence

the fact i discovered: time changes nothing, i've been relying in a phrase that has been repeatedly said over and over through the years that says "time/life goes on" reminding myself that i'll forget with time, that somehow my memories, feelings, pain will someday vanish, but what i found is that time and life has stood still since he somehow find the guts to stay away from me, to cut me out of his life.. you know whats the saddest thing about it is that things between us has come to this level. and the only phrase for him that's consistently in my mind now, the only phrase that's hunting me is "when somebody gets into your heart if he/she came out he/she come out with flesh and blood" look who's blood is in your hand's now..

note to him

if one day you realized we haven't talked in awhile, remember you were the one who pushed me away when i wasn't ready to leave..

forget and i'll forget

Forget the things I used to say,
forget the way you felt.
Forget the way i said your name,
forget what made you melt.
Forget the things that made you laugh,
forget what made you cry.
Forget what made you want to change,
and I'll forget the lies.
Forget whatever made you want,
because that was not enough.
Forget the good that didn't last,
and I'll forget the ruff.
Forget the words you couldn't say,
and I'll forget them too.
Forget that if we talked it out,
we might have made it through.
Forget about me and let me go,
as I try to accept the truth.
And maybe soon enough, forgetting won't be so hard to do..

that's why

you know why am doing all this? you know why I always shut up and let you do it all? yo know why I never complain and just get hurt with all the words you say.. so that when one day if you never see what you have, which is a girl who's helplessly in-love with you, a girl who's trying to be everything you need.. So that when you don't see that.. and I have the courage to see myself out and walk away.. You'll see that what I've done to you isn't what any other girl would do.. So that at least after am gone, you'll appreciate me..

one of my happiest thoughts

I know it's not right, but I didn't need any one else in my life. "Mozy" was enough. He gave me reason to exist, and be happy and content. 

I've always known I'll have to change to be "sane", "taking care of myself" and "socialize". 

I knew I locked myself in my comfort zone and ignored the scary world around me.

I knew all that. 

I just was not ready to change it now (or maybe not ever).

It had to be enforced by some supernatural force.

There are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I've been going through them all for a while and currently, I'm numb, which probably means i'm back to denial.

I'm not sure if having some ties ( answering his shallow phone calls, listing to his daily activities in chat,supporting him when he runs back to me when he's down or something goes wrong in his life..etc) is better or a cold-turkey approach where one cuts all ties with his ex??!!
i'm not even sure if he really is my ex yet, or even if this whole year did happened and wasn't just a dream or a nightmare. 

But I think about you everyday "Mozy". 

I want to tell you one thing; no matter what happens, how things change, you will always be one of my happiest thoughts.

weekend :(

board.... don't know what to do, i hate it when my day is just empty , of people or of actions, really have no topic to blog about , and this song is on my head:

If my sky should fall Would you even call Opened up my heart I never want to part I'm giving you the ball When I look in your eyes I can feel the butterflies I love you when you're blue Tell me darling' true What am I to you

~Norah Jones "What am I to you?" (reminds me of some ppl.. not the actual song, but the theme)

I will go... Nice weekend everyone (if there's anyone out there reading!)

wisdom from today

When you're in love with someone be careful not to get stuck into a little bubble with them because then you have created a small world, and if that happens, with that bubble being very fragile one little mistake can make it break and sadly so will you heart.

untitled thoughts

i might be feeling a hundred feeling, i might not be able to tell them, i might not be able to find words to describe them even yet fear i can describe and yes i feel afraid to see you with your next lover,as i might cry, or to see you with a lover for whom you are ready to die,I'm afraid that you are gone and every time i will feel the pain of your absence I'm afraid I'll need to cry. yet i know well i should Fear not, for you have nothing to fear.. care not what i hear, what matters is i shared... was love, was pain, was a million things to gain, was hope was light, was a reason to live and fight????!!!!... the day we were drawn apart was the day my death had start,..

wisdom from today

sometimes it is better to fall back and let things unfold and come back when your needed rather than trying to fix everything and make it seem all better

a thought from today

Sometimes, Not knowing is better than knowing because.. When you run out of questions, you don't just run out of answers; You run out of hope.

relizations

The moments we've been with each other Are moments I'm going to cherish forever Even the times we fought with each other That's why I only wish we could be together Right now I can only think of you And what could have been if I was with you But I was meant for a different path I guess somewhere, where I couldn't see you Moving on is a very hard step to make And it's one I'd have to take But right now all The memories we made I just don't want to throw them away