انا لست من مرمر ودانتيل

I have always had a problem with Nizar qabany poetry. There is something that bothered me about It but i just could not point it.

i mean the man loves women, to the point of adoration even!!
 what's MY problem with that exactly?


I cannot deny I liked some of his poetry. I would not seek it though, I would only read what comes in my way -whether by chance or recommendation-.

yet lately and with a couple of unpleasant incedent that accord to me i realized why i have problems with nizar 

my problem is "When someone refers me to Nizar", that is my issue.

 I do not want the "woman/muse" model.

 I do not have an issue with being an inspiration or a muse, in fact who wouldn't want to!

 But I do have an issue with this being what defines me.

 I have an issue with this forming a screen between "who I am" and "how you perceive me to be". 

Because I must stay young, and lovely, and sweet, and happy. I _must_ stay this person.

I must not worry or doubt or question. I must not feel insecure. Even when you like my imperfections, you like them as part of my muse-being, just like you would admire a chip in the body of a lovely sculpture, just like you admire Venus without arms.

و أكتشفت الكثير و مازلت استكشف

ملايين الاشياء تتطاير في رأسى
اشخاص , ذكريات ,اماكن ,روائح و مذاقات. كله يحدث في نفس الوقت :

قليلا منه بإختياري ومعظمه من تلقاء نفسه . و كأن القدر يلوح بالعصا السحرية ليجعل الوقت , ذلك العدو اللدود, يتوقف

و رغم عزة نفسى, يجب  أن اعترف بينما أنا دائمة الانشغال بالصراع لأخذ كل ما تستطيع الحياة أن تمنحني, فقدت قدرة التأمل الداخلي لمعرفة خبايا نفسي. بينما انا أبحث حولي عن كل ما يضيف معنى للحياة , انشغلت عن استكشاف مدى قدرتي على التكييف مع تلك الحياة . دائما كنت ابحث عن الجديد و المثير لأحارب الوقت و أقتل الملل. دائما في انتظار شئ ما . حاولت الاقدار كثيرا ان تجعلني أقف لأتأمل و لكن بلا جدوى , فقد كنت عالقة بالمستقبل متناسية الحاضر

و منذ عام ونصف , حدث تغيير , بدأت اركض وراء الحاضر غير مبالية بالمستقبل , و بناءا على ذلك, فلت مني زمام الامور و أصبحت الان هائمة بلا حاضر استطيع التحكم فيه و لا مستقبل انتظره بشوق. و وجدت نفسي في حاضر لم أختاره بعد انقضاء ذلك الحلم الجميل الذي سلبته الحياة مني. في هذا الحاضر المخيف احاول , و انا المهوسة بالتحكم وحب التملك , ان افهم الصراع الذى بداخلي بين ما كنت دوما و ما انا الأن . أحاول أن افهم سبب الفراغ الدائم في روحي مهما انشغلت بعشرات الاشياء

بالتأمل و المقارنة ,و بلا إثارة لأشياء جديدة و بكاء على ما انقضى , و بمساعدة صديق , بدأت رحلة الاستكشاف الداخلي منذ حوالي 5 اشهر. و رغم قصر المدة , إلا أني اكتشفت كثير لم أكن اعلمه ؛ اكتشفت عدم قدرتي على حمل الضغائن لمدة طويلة , أكتشفت تمسكي بذكرياتي للأشخاص مهما حال المنطق والظروف والاخطاء والوقت, أكتشفت قدرتي على التسامح , أكتشفت قدرتي على العطاء و التضحية, و اكتشفت رغم شك البعض اني "نكدية" أني افضل الابتسامة على البكاء , و أكتشفت أني رغم اني اكره الافراح و الفستان الابيض و المجاملات الاجتماعية أني اعشق صوت الزغروته التي تخرج من القلب , و و أكتشفت أن لو كان عندي سبب واحد فقط للقيام من النوم فيكون اليوم ذو مغزى و معنى, و أكتشفت حبي لعملي سواء أحببت مكان العمل أو لا,

just note

So, this is my life?!!. 

well then I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be...

wisdom from the day

some of the most important realizations in life happen in the blink of an eye... so we fail to understand how important it was to pay attention in the first place... 

Life goes on... and so will mine!

this quote has been lately moving around facebook "Life in three words; it goes on"

well, i already know that.

 I always did. In fact, I've always depended on that fact; knowing that eventually life goes on, as in not wait for me, as in, time will pass regardless of me doing or not doing anything with it.

yet as much as this fact is comforting in itself, people like myself , control-freaks, and analyzers find it hard to accept in some ways.

 Meaning, life will go on without my intervention, oh my God!

 What will it turn out like? 

What can I do about that?

 How can I make sure that it goes on in the direction I want?

 All these questions are basically answered negatively. This for a person like myself, kills me!

I faced my demons last night, how much I need to let go of the illusion of control that I give myself. 

I've been holding on to the past so hard, refusing to give life a chance to go on.

 I thought I couldn't let go.

 This whole letting go issue is really difficult for me.

 Really.

 You know those trust games where you're supposed to close your eyes and let yourself fall, knowing that your partner will catch you? I'd never do it, never did, never will! 

I can't consciously let go.

 I'm trying though, which brings us to the point I was trying to say.

 After all the events that I have been through lately I've been torn between wanting to let go and wanting to hold on to the memories, I took some physical steps but didn't take any emotional ones.

 Then I realized, everyone else's life goes on, perhaps except mine, cause I'm not letting it.

 My friend's lives are going out according to their plan/preferences, my family are having their life according to their carefully calculated plan, prince charming has his life going in the direction he wants,

 God, even the enemy's life is getting better.

 It's only my life that's not, or at least doesn't seem to be.

 Maybe because I am holding on to the past since I don't have a plan for the future. 

Again I get side-tracked.

 The point is, I am trying to let go of the past, trying to give life a chance to go on, trying to be optimistic about the future and be the sunshine person I used to be.

 It won't be easy, as my nostalgia struck and my brain dumb moments will come between me and letting go, but one thing for sure life goes on and its time for mine to goon too

yes i can post bla bla blahs here, its my blog !!

the intro:
you know that in real life there's rarely happily ever afters, in real life there's barely after,, never after, since after but rarely if never ever after  :s


the realization: 
there's no fairy tales in real life ,its just useless stories that have been stuffed into our brains, so just believe me and move over it because noone will come in a shining armer and a white horse to save anyone, and none is gonna come back from the dead by a kiss from a handsome prince
in real life its dark , messy, and cruel.  


the thought
if you're waiting for the universe to pity you, you are wasting your time, because the universe spins and spins and don't give a damn about whom is whining or whom is laughing.!!


the conclusion:
life is not fair, but who said it's,
 shit happens all the time and there's nothing i can do about but accept it ..


the approach:
i wanna miraculously change myself into a cheerful person again, 
i have no idea how i'm gonna do it, but i really miss feeling
happy so much, 
i miss enjoying things like a good conversation on the phone with a friend 
without being disturbed by a recalled memory that once happened
 i miss enjoying an outing without thoughts spinning in my head
i miss fixing my hair, and looking all trendy and stylish
.....
the confession:
i am admitting the fact that i'm alone
 and i must love/like me now for me not for what i resemble , give or do for anyone   
i am free so i just have to stop imagining that i'm still living in that bubble 
it is over
and i am done here
me.

شبابيك الدنيا كلها شبابيك

"When God closes a door, He always opens a window" :)
It's a concept that I really love...
and always believe it's a way that shows how our minds are changed, so that our shapes and looks will change consequently...
Lately, I started to believe BLINDLY that ordinary means are not always the best..
and that using WINDOWS ,not doors, to move in or out might be the hidden miracle we're waiting for...
There're no miracles, but it's our choices!!!
This's why I love windows...

then she said

"At that moment I know I am half woman, half child.

 That a portion of  me conceals a child who loves to be amazed, to be taught, to be directed. When I listen, I am a child."

and then after I wrote it, I remembered it was quoted before me!


and then more thoughts:

"I feel wind blown. 

I look younger.

 I do not try to be the femme fatale. 

It is useless. I feel loved for myself, for my inner self, for every word I write, for my timidities, my sorrows, my struggles, my defects, my frailness."

then she said:

I love her short sentences.

 Her simple words.

 Her lack of pretension.. 

I love her intensity, and it scares me at the same time..

 It scares me how she handles this intensity.. 

yet she is not to be called promiscuous.

 But she is, isn't she? Her intensity also carries immaturity.. emotional immaturity.. inability to cut the cord.. insecurity.. needs to be reminded of how much she is loved and how much she loves..

be ok

When you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love.

 You have to just be OK with yourself-and that's a long process!!

sometimes

sometimes There Is No Next Time, sometimes there's No Time Outs, sometimes there's No Second Chances, Sometimes It's Now Or Never..

my humbled opinion about fairytales

i realized that i'm that kindda of girl who always thought that fairy-tales never come true and its just bullshit people fill young kids head with to put them to sleep i realized that i'm that kindda of girl who doesn't want a fairytale, i'd rather write my own realistic story...

realizations about life part 2 :)

maybe it's not about being the best. maybe it's about finding the little things that get me through the day. whether it's the support of someone close to me, or letting myself feel overwhelmed even only for a moment, or being selfless every once in awhile. i don't know. i guess in the end, its about surviving, any way i can.

realizations about life

1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel. 2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go. 3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. 4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. 5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. 6. Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. 7. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be. Because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. 8. Always put yourself in the others shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts this person too. 9. A careless word may kindle strife. A cruel word may wreck a life. A timely word may level stress. But a loving word may heal and bless. 10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. 11. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.

realizations

Due to my work location I've to take a 5 or 15 min walk everyday from where I get out of the cap, the time depends on how far he'll be from my work location
I'd watch people and what they do. Students going to school or university, people heading to work, random people just there in the street for no particular reason, people at a local cafe, police officers, car keepers, doormen,...etc.
That made me realize something, the men in the Egyptian's streets (By that I mean anonymous random people in the street, a friend doesn't count, neither someone you see in the office but don't know their name.
(I'm talking about the guy in the street that knows he will never see you again)
any Egyptian man in the street will see a woman, evaluate her age, appearance, ..Etc then keep staring at her and meanwhile do one of the following:

(a) Take the angry religious approach:
استغفر اللله العظيم من كل ذنب عظيم
or
ربنا يهديكي و يسترك

(b) The shy mo3aksa approach:
ايه الحلاوة دي
or
نهارنا ابيض
or simple words which could mean anything or nothing just to make sure the female hears them.

(c) The rude mo3aksa approach which I won't mention examples and is usually is boarder-lined with abuse. The more one understands what they say, the more it embarrasses, hurts, and annoys the female. When I was younger, I couldn't understand life appeared way more beautiful.

(d) The religious approach mo3aksa which I think is brand new. It's kind of creative to link the two new trends: fake religion and lack of manners
تباراك الله في خلقه , يا رب ارزقنا واحدة من دول

(e) The social mo3aksa approach, in case he is with a friend, or sitting at an 2ahwa...
بالك يا واد يا محسن , انا لو ربنا ادانى واحدة زي ال *** الي هناك , والله لاتعدل و
or
شوفتوا ال *** الى هناك يا رجالة
And they'll say it once the female had passed them, but not too far to make sure he hears them.

Then there are two special cases that take place if the female is riding an expensive car, or looks foreign or rich...etc. Both involve trying to make money off her...

(f) By emotional abuse, begging...etc
(g) By picking a fight, hitting her car, making a scene where by-passers will always gather and blame the rich female (its a hidden law of the street) , which they expect, she'll just buy her way out of and save herself the embarrassment or the time.

As I said, I know that there are many decent "Egyptian men", but so far, in this country, I have not seen any man enough to try to stop the above from happening. The best they do, is mind their own business.


Anyway, it's like, if I ever had any doubt, I am now sure, it will never get better. I hate this country. i hate the fact that i can't walk or jag or even do my daily normal activities without being bothered from people on the street.....

man and dog

Take an old dirty, hungry, mangy, sick and wet dog and feed him and wash him and nurse him back to health, and he will never turn on you and bite you. This is how man and dog different !!!

realization in today

You don’t know what goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that part. Unfortunately, you can’t be that precise and selective. When you mess with one part of a person’s life, you’re messing with their entire life.

relizations

The moments we've been with each other Are moments I'm going to cherish forever Even the times we fought with each other That's why I only wish we could be together Right now I can only think of you And what could have been if I was with you But I was meant for a different path I guess somewhere, where I couldn't see you Moving on is a very hard step to make And it's one I'd have to take But right now all The memories we made I just don't want to throw them away

A BROKEN HEART

A BROKEN HEART is when you actually refuse to get out of bed in the morning because you are afraid of the reality that awaits you. A BROKEN HEART is when you think about the individual that broke your heart constantly. You reminisce the "Good Times" almost as if the "Bad Times" never existed. A BROKEN HEART is when you are crying yourself to sleep every night & yet crying more & more each morning. A BROKEN HEART is the unforgettable smell of his shirt that sits in that empty box; stowed away. A BROKEN HEART is the cold shattering feeling you receive when you hear the syllables of his name. A BROKEN HEART is glancing at the pictures of the two of you, & then quickly turning your attention to something else to avoid your tears. A BROKEN HEART is secretly wanting to run back to him & secretly wanting to just be loved by him again. A BROKEN HEART is asking desperately for just one last chance with the only person responsible for your loneliness. A BROKEN HEART is forcing yourself to hang up the phone after you have dialed the first three digits to his number. A BROKEN HEART is the emptiness & heart- wrenching feeling you encounter when you see him with his new love. A BROKEN HEART is knowing that no matter what you do or say to yourself, you can't fool your heart into believing that you will in fact "Be all right." A BROKEN HEART is listening to that one song that makes you break down over & over again. A BROKEN HEART sometimes means: not wanting to go on.