ابتعدت ..ونظرت.. فاكتشفت الكثير عن نفسى وعن الحياة

مدونتى العزيزة
وحشتينى...

تتزايد حالة التيه برغم من قناعتى الداخليه بأننى فى العامين الأخيرين كنت فى أفضل حالتى مع نفسى وكذلك كانت الدنيا معى..

العامين الاخيرين مروا كلحظة ... مشحنون بالأحداث الشخصية والعامة عامين سينمائيين كل دقيقة تمر فيهم تصلح أن تكون مشهد رئيسى فى فيلم درامى
تحقق لى على الصعيد الشخصى طموحات كثيرة بأعجوبة ... طموحات عشت أحلم بها طوال سبع سنين فأصبحت أكثر قوة واكثر ضعف فى ذات الوقت !!
بدأت معالم حياتى تتشكل أوضح أمامى ... أفكارى المبعثرة ..وما مضى وما كان يبدو بالنسبة لى الان مفهوم و
ذو معنى وانظر له الان كله من الخارج صرت الان خارج اطار احداثى السابقة فرأيت أفضل ووعيت أفضل وبدت لى الصورة كلوحة مصنوعة يدويا بها اخطاء وبها جماليات وبها روح وبها فكر وبها معنى ..

لأسباب أعرفها ولا ارغب فى التفكير فيها لم اكون اكتب مؤخرا .. برغم من سيل الأفكار برأسى .. برغم من الالاف العناوين والمواضيع المدونة بنسخة درافت فى رأسى ولكنها كلها مبعثرة بلا ترتيب أو نسق .. كما لو ان رأسى قد ضاق بأفكارى فصار يكوم الكلمات والحروف عشوائيا!!

اهتمامى بنفسى وحبى لها كان المدخل الى تحملى قضاء وقت طويل انزويت فيه عن العالم من حولى وقاطعته حتى نسيانى
حتى تهدمت بفعل الزمن والاختفاء احباطات ومعانات وذكريات وصور واحداث 10 سنوات او اقل
وخرجت من كومة الكتب والاراء والمعانى والمفاهيم والاحاديث الطويلة العميقة مع اصدقاء او معلمين اذا جاز التعبير انسانة اهدأ شغلها جودة الاشياء والاوقات وقيمتها ...
تقبلت وامتصصت ووسعة افقى لما رأيته مختلف عنى او غريب منى وصمت .. وصمت .. وصمت.
لم يعد فى حياتى ولا فى عقلى مكان بعد ما مر من سنين وما تعلمت عن الحياة وعن نفسى وقت لأفكار سلبية ولا أشخاص محبطة تعسة ولا أوقات بلا معنى ولا علاقات بلا معنى.

اكتشفت ان الحياة تكون قصيرة فقط لمن لديهم حياة يعيشونها
ان كل الاشياء نسبية فى النهاية فنفس ما يسعدك قد يحزننى ونفس ما يضعفك قد يقوينى وما تعتبره خسارة قد يكون لى فرصة
هذه هى الحياة اطار واحد متسق منفرد مترابط ومتنافر ..

that's when real life begins

When a couple first 'fall in love', they usually do not talks about what it means to be together, or what either are prepared to do or not do,

 or what is expected. 

Both parties are just feeling so good being around each other,neither stop to think about it.

 But then when the 'honeymoon' is over, there can be misunderstandings, hurts, resentments and unspoken rules broken.

and that's when real life begins..!!!

i seriously mean it... BE CAREFUL

be careful what you wish for as it might actually come true, I learned it the hard way

for some people there is no choice possible.

I always stood up for my belief that happiness is a choice, people quote me for this say 
recently someone quoted "happiness is a choice" while i was around. 
and actually i was board so i gazed into the unknown thinking of my saying

IT has the feel of truth at least to me.
 I know when I'm normal happiness IS a choice.
 It's something I choose to be. I don't let all the little buggy boos in life get me down.
 I choose to be happy and thus I am.

But there are times when that's just impossible.
 When I am deeply depressed, way down there, I am incapable of choosing happiness and even if I could choose it it would mean nothing.
 When I'm way down like that my attention must always be focused on survival. I must keep my attention on making it through.
 I cannot let my focus wonder lest I lose the battle and potentially lose my life.

It's times like this that happiness becomes an unreachable goal. 
For whatever reason, be it situational, a chemical imbalance in my head, or whatever, I am way too far down in the dumps to be able to choose happiness. It's all I can do to survive.
 As much as I long to choose happiness, as much as I try, I find it to be an unreachable goal many times lately.
 The sadness, the darkness, is overwhelming and leaves no room for happiness.


lately i have a feeling that there's something that sucks all the light and life out of me and leaves me unable to make the choice to be happy. 

I just wanted to clarify that. Someone suffering from  depression is simply unable to choose happiness.
 While for the vast majority of us happiness IS a choice, 
for some people there is no choice possible.
 They are not to be faulted for not choosing happiness.
 They would make that choice if at all possible. 
i realized that It just isn't an option for everyone to chose happiness.

الرجل الرابع

في حياة المراة ثلاثة رجال ...

رجل تحبة ويحبها لكن تقابله في وقت متأخر يستحيل فيه تحول الحب الي زواج ...

ورجل يعشقها وحده ويتمني زواجها وهي لا تعبأ بحبه ..

ورجل احبته واحبها..واصبح ماضي لا تريد حتي ان تتذكره ...

ووسط الثلاثة يظهر الرجل الرابع الذي قد يحمل الحد الادني من كل هؤلاء وغالبا يكون هذا هو عريس الغفلة بكل اسف ..

a thought from today

the following question came a cross my mind today:
Am i living my life out of fear or out of love?

in my own prospective When we make decisions based on love, we live a life of purpose and life flows in a harmonious manner, bringing many rewards.
Making decisions based on fear brings resistance to the flow of life, ultimately bringing disharmony and unhappiness yet its some how safer, with no risks.!!

one of my weird philosophies of life

It hurts,
and you've been avoiding it,hoping it gets better,
but it just doesn't!
Pain won't go away on its own, right?
A new approach is if it hurts, beat it harder,
you'll either faint and loose consciousness or develop immunity, either way, it won't hurt!

the truth

here's the truth about the truth:
IT HURTS.!!
so we simply choose to lie.

lie to ourselves, to our beloved ones

we fake ourselves and say we are gonna come clean and spell the truth out, and then something or someone tells us not to, not right now not today, not in such circumstances, there's always an excuse.

the truth do hurts so we lie !!....

should I ??

the intro

i'm the youngest single girl in my office, among a group of  ladies the youngest one of them is 37 or something

so far they are kind to me, always voluntarily showering me with advices about handling other co-workers

and teaching me how to do my work, or to be more accurate they end up to voluntarily do my work against my well and i accept their bossy actions, with a smile 

i don't wanna lose anyone and i don't want anyone to hate me, plus i'm still exploring the atmosphere

since my day one at the new work place i decided to challenge myself, not be judgmental, and just explore people, i decided not to reject people just because the seemed different than me in look, in mentality, in life perspective.. and above all i didn't want to do the thing i do best, the thing i always did which is "finding my way out of troubles via any mean/ taking the easiest way 

so far the plan is going fine, i am learning new stuff about life, people, work on a daily base

i'm bonding with new people

and.... i am ok , just ok not sure if i'm happy, but i'm calm, content and thats what matters 

i am pushing myself to positive thinking each morning, focused on keeping a healthy feelingless routine to my day don't want any extremes, even my famous mood swings i find technique to handle them ..

 the situation:

today at work one of my females co-workers said" i mostly like you for being on your nature, and followed don't let life change you, don't be artificial !!"

the thought:

i don't know if she mean this in a good or a bad way yet I said to myself 

"YES there's many things others won't do if they were me"

but they're not me.. 

and I am not them.. 

never will be, 

and not sure I want to be.. 

not in this aspect at least..

So, doing my stupid mistakes is better than faking someone else's smart actions.. 

the wisdom of the day:

"till it stops being painful".. it won't.

be thankful

Thanks for not having

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.

If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Thanks for lacking knowledge

Be thankful when you don't know something,

for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Thanks for difficult times

Be thankful for the difficult times. 

During those times you grow.

Thanks for limitations

Be thankful for your limitations,

because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Thanks for challenges

Be thankful for each new challenge,

because it will build your strength and character.

Thanks for mistakes made

Be thankful for your mistakes. 

They will teach you valuable lessons.

Thanks for exhaustion

Be thankful when you're tired and weary,

because it means you've made the effort.

Thanks for setbacks

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.

A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who

are also thankful for the setbacks.

Thanks for troubles

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,

and they can become your blessings.

~ Author Unknown ~

posting secrets

today's secret isn't a picture that i related to from post secrets website, today's secret is a personal mail that i received from one of my friends and after calling her and asking for her permission to share her mail here in my blog she said ok.
the mail really deserve sharing
somehow i saw me in her words, i saw lots of people i know too
 maybe these words can make us reevaluate lots of priorities in our lives
here it goes:
the subject is "i was dying"

First i was dying to finish my high school and start college
and then i was dying to finish college and start working
then i was dying to marry and have children
and then i was dying for my children to grow old enough so i could go back to work
But then i was dying to retire
and now i'm dying
and suddenly i realized i forgot to live



please don't let this happen to you
appreciate ur current situation
and enjoy each day

.... 

hope you got the massage !!.

do they really see the light or is it a mere representation on a huge wall??

In his genius reformatory philosophical work "The Republic", Plato establishes the grounds for creating a republic in the most "optimum"/perfectionist way (for no other choice of word that popped in my head)... Not a kingdom or an empire, but a republic...

Now i am  a person who enjoys old literature, but i really enjoyed reading The Republic and many of its critique articles even more...

 It amazes you how a book written around 390 years B.C. has so much reform in it, and yet, noone listened...

among other things, he talked about women's education! Actually, he had a plan drawn out for a close-to-perfect education system...

 one that we are currently getting closer to but yet so far..

Anyway, what am about to write now is an idea that possessed me in this book; the allegory of the cave.. An allegory is a story or a representation conveying a meaning deeper and higher than its literal meaning...
Plato's allegory goes that there is a cave with a large wall..

in this cave there is a set of prisoners tied to have their backs to the cave's entrance and are facing the huge wall... behind them,

outside the entrance there is an enormous fire..

 sometimes people and animals pass outside the entrance and between the fire and the cave, thus casting shadows on the wall....

the prisoners -having never seen the outside- mistake these shadows for the real thing..

 the voices of the people outside reflect as echo on the wall,

 and appear to the prisoners to be coming out of the shadows on the wall...

So mainly the prisoners see shadows and hear echoes...

 now imagine a prisoner was released and goes outside...

he would be blinded by the sun (or at night-time by the fire), then as he slowly adjusts to reality, he will start to see things as they are... he will "see the light"..

Having seen the light, it is the free man's duty, even his obligation, to go back to the cave and 'enlighten' his fellow men....

once he goes back to the cave, his eyes will have trouble adjusting to total darkness again, he would have to step into the darkness again to free/enlighten his fellow prisoners....

Only to be faced by resistance from those not wanting to be freed...

those who are happy with the only truth they ever knew: the shadows and the echos...

Do we choose to stay in the dark? do those who think they see the light really see it, or is it a mere representation on a huge wall??


Signing off,
saso.

P.S. check wikipedia's allegory of the cave article..

me and romantic comedies

i guess by now you all know how much i love romantic comedies ,and movies with a deep, true stories in general
in today's  post i decided to do a three in one post

1.  tells you about my favoriet romantic comedies
2.  share was you my favorite scenes from it that somehow relates to me or to my life in away or another
3.  share some other people quotes or as i call it "stolen thoughts"

here they are in  random order:


Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
from it "Come back and make up a goodbye at least. Let's pretend we had one."


Before Sunset (2004)
from it "You were, for me, that night / Everything I always dreamt of in life."


Amélie (2001)
from it "A surge of love, an urge to help mankind overcomes her."


Wall-E (2008)
from it "Computer: define dancing."


High Fidelity (2000)
from it "Did i listen to pop music because I was miserable?
Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"


Punch-Drunk Love (2002)
from it "I'm lookin' at your face and I just wanna smash it...you're so pretty."


Sideways (2004)
from it "I like to think about the life of wine. How it's a living thing..."


Knocked Up (2007)
from it "You're prettier than I am."


Juno (2007)
from it "I don't really know what kind of girl I am."


About a Boy (2002)
from it "No man is an island"


Waitress (2007)
from it "I don't want you to save me. Don't need to be saved."


The Science of Sleep (2006)
from it "You could sleep with the entire planet and still feel rejected."


Ghost Town (2008)
from it "It hurts when I smile..."


Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)
from it "I'm still looking for something...more extraordinary than that."


The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)
from it "Is it true if you don't use it, you lose it?"


Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)
from it "Only unfulfilled love can be romantic."


Lars and the Real Girl (2007)
from it "Sometimes I get so lonely I forget what day it is..."

Negative People.

They're like human black holes which suddenly come out of nowhere and just suck the life out of you.
 You try to stay positive and remain strong but their negativity ends up just completely draining you, you feel exhausted, and you may also start to feel depress too.

the hardest part

the hardest part of the day when you are heart broken is the waking up ,rolling out of bed and down on your knees on the floor And for a moment you can't breathe then the Wondering starts was s/he really here in my life the hardest part in being heart broken is giving up on the one and only person you built your life around, giving up the dream that made you come out of bed and go through the days. the hardest part of being heart broken is when the truth hits you, knocks the hill out of you, that the best is not yet to come, nothing is more yet to come...

highlights

* I am a slow learner. * I eventually know ALL the answers, just when it's a little too late. * I am starting to go back to my old self, something I've been missing. * I didn't become secretive, I am only learning (from Jeremy Clarkson) what to share and what to keep. * Unlearn, learn, and relearn :) * It is only when I stopped expecting that I started receiving.. * For the first time, I realized that being me would've saved me. Instead I was trying to be someone else, someone whom I "thought" would be better/more cunning/more practical/wiser than me.. I was wrong.. * Contrary to common sense, I am happy! "If I tell you something weird... will you think I'm crazy?" ~ Helena in "Mirrormask" movie

can i ask you a favor technique

We all sometimes have things to ask of people, maybe favors, embarrassing questions, asking someone out, asking for something you need...etc. Some people are too embarrassed to ask, or they fear rejections. These, in my opinion miss out on a lot of good things that could be given to them should they have had the courage to ask. On the other hand, some people are quite comfortable with asking you any favor however big, and really get offended when you say no. These being bolder, are often met with acceptance, but sometimes just because you are cornered into saying yes.. so you do the favor, but do it unwillingly. Trying to find middle ground between the two extremes; I came up with a technique. What I do is, I ask the question straight forward, yet manage to leave a way out. And if the person replies willingly, great. If they kept silence or commented on the way out, then ideally, I'd wrap it up and feel no offense. Here are some examples: - I would have asked to borrow your black top, but I'm sure you'd need it through the week. - I would have asked you out, if I wasn't sure you are already dating. -Do me a favor; will you blah blah blah , for me. Actually, on second though, don't! I'm sure you don't do favors when it comes to your job. Nice technique, right!?

Waking up in the morning

I always believed, and apparently so do many people, that the hardest part of the day is getting out of bed in the morning. Dreamers are satisfied by setting a major goal in life, like for instance "I will find a cure for cancer" or "I will bring all the world to peace". They wake up by reminding themselves; "Today, I'm one day closer to achieving it". Ambitious Realists think that if they have one goal at a time like "buy a new car"or "finish my PhD" and plan it really carefully. They wake themselves up everyday by comparing their progress to their plan and deciding how to move on from there. Naturally, the whole long term thing doesn't really work well for most people. So less ambitious and more easy going people choose multiple frequent short term goals, like "travel to sharm el sheikh in the weekend" or "make Mido fall in love with me". This is enough to make them wake up till that goal comes true and they go on by setting other short term ones. Personally, I tried all that, and still many times didn't find enough energy to get me out of bed. I thought and I thought and then I figured it out. After years and years of spending at least one extra hour in bed, I figured out the ONE thing that if I plan ahead, I get out of bed easily. And it is (drum rolling....) : what to wear! Sounds like an airhead, maybe, but honestly I figured out, that if I actually prepare what to wear in the morning, I save hours of staying in bed, looking blankly at the closet until I find myself snoozing the alarm clock again. So, my dearest readers, if you happen to have difficulty waking up in the morning, try preparing your outfit the night before.

addicted to gray's anatomy and some fuzzy thoughts

the thing about it, is that I keep thinking and philosophizing about love, life , the universe and everything; actually mostly life and love. And here are a few of my insights: *I dislike Meridith Grey; can't stand girls like that in real life, the ones that go on and on making mistakes and blame fate or love or life for their choices in life. You made a mistake, deal with it. You made your choice, stand up to it..kefaya dala3!I can't take compliments, or accept being spoiled I really don't know how to. I don't know how to react or deal with it, and when someone tries to spoil me just a bit or tell me a nice complement, I either freeze, say something completely ridiculous or crack a smart-ass joke that totally ruins the moment. I don't know if it's fear of getting used to something that I know is either unreal or will just go away in a matter of time, is it a control issue (I am a control freak in a way) , am I just not used to people being nice to me or is it a built-in feature in my system that one can't override. *My favorite character is Christina Yang. I wish I was as tough as she is, even in her vulnerability, she is stronger than most. As much as I pretend to be tough or wear my plastic mask, everyone who knows me, or reads my blog knows how to penetrate that mask. I feel transparent most of the time. *Christina panicked when Burk opened the car door for her. I just realized, noone has opened the car door for me before. I try to imagine my reaction to that.. no clue! I keep comparing myself to George, whom I really like, but he has those bits and pieces that annoy me as they remind me of me; being everyone's friend, clumsy, emotionally attached to someone unavailable, smart at work but not so smart in relationships, says all the wrong things all the time, show when I'm lying and can't keep my mouth shut for long...etc *I think I'm the least interesting women possible in a relationship and really I started to understand the reasons for the 2 ex-s. If we say that men don't enjoy the chase, like mysterious women , mind games, just a touch of mess and spontaneity then I am simply unattractive.. However, the above, in my opinion, make me an excellent candidate for a best friend. A convenient person, who likes to spoil you and get nothing in return, who will show you how I feel about you without any mind games, transparent about how I feel and think and believe, will gladly take the responsibilities which you leave behind , punctual and organized. What would anyone want more in a friend? *As much as I like to compare, I know that this is just a series and it is not real life. You ask for proof, I quote a Beautiful South in Rotterdam , "And everyone is blond And everyone is beautiful and when blond and beautiful are multiple they become so dull and dutiful" *And even though everyone is blond and beautiful and that doesn't really happen in real life, one thing really happens in real life and is worth a celebration: friendship. Seeing how friends lift you up when you're down is worth way more than anything you can possibly mention.

sometimes

sometimes There Is No Next Time, sometimes there's No Time Outs, sometimes there's No Second Chances, Sometimes It's Now Or Never..