first time to blog nonsenses

غريب الحلم لمّا يواعد النعسان و ما يطولّش


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i blocked you, deleted you so that you keep wondering whether i am happy or not


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today i came to the conclusion that  I'm not bipolar, my mood is just on shuffle mode 
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giving up.it's the fastest road 2 heal, even if it isn't exactly the smartest.


dear blog: excuse my nonsense post/thoughts i'm feel so damn lonely today and you are the only one available to talk to though i didn't really say whats deeply in my mind.!!

Unnamed/Untamed feelings

recently, and by recently i mean for 5 or 7 month, i feel the slightest hints of the weirdest feelings.. you know.. like when something can just make you gloomy.. or you can feel your heart contract for a split second from the weirdest of events.. I thought i grew out of this phase.. apparently not.. 

I am very stressed out because of work.. 

i feel like my world is foggy.... but that shouldn't be it... i don't know.. 

maybe i shouldnt have written that down when am in this state.. i'd rather blog some lyrics that say it all... (but i won't :))

I do have stories to tell

"You are so terribly nimble, so clever. I distrust your cleverness. You make a wonderful pattern, everything is in its place, it looks convincingly clear, too clear. And meanwhile, where are you? Not on the clear surface of your ideas, but you have already sunk deeper, into darker regions, so that one only thinks one has been given all your thoughts, one only imagines you have emptied yourself in that clarity. But there are layers and layers -- you're bottomless, unfathomable. Your clearness is deceptive. You are the thinker who arouses most confusion in me, most doubt, most disturbance."
~Anaïs Nin, August 1932 "Henry & June"

but well..

I find patterns amusing..
not always good/happy, but always amusing.
Same time last year I thought about patterns, and then accused myself of jumping too soon to conclusions, of categorizing, stereotyping, etc.

This time I see them again, I can sense the air, and I find it cynical, this "self defense against self defense" as it was called by the other.
But there is nothing I can say or do about it.
Complaining, commenting, requesting, confronting, it won't get you any where. Ignoring, avoiding, denying,
well it might get you nowhere, but it will get you there with the remains of the day, and the dignity..

Cute and sort of childish how I sound so serious and mysterious..
I need to go back to being the Scheherazade of storytelling...
and I do have stories to tell.

disclaimer

i don't commit to making sense to others as long as i am making sense to me

and yes i know i shouldn't be doing so!!!

addicted to gray's anatomy and some fuzzy thoughts

the thing about it, is that I keep thinking and philosophizing about love, life , the universe and everything; actually mostly life and love. And here are a few of my insights: *I dislike Meridith Grey; can't stand girls like that in real life, the ones that go on and on making mistakes and blame fate or love or life for their choices in life. You made a mistake, deal with it. You made your choice, stand up to it..kefaya dala3!I can't take compliments, or accept being spoiled I really don't know how to. I don't know how to react or deal with it, and when someone tries to spoil me just a bit or tell me a nice complement, I either freeze, say something completely ridiculous or crack a smart-ass joke that totally ruins the moment. I don't know if it's fear of getting used to something that I know is either unreal or will just go away in a matter of time, is it a control issue (I am a control freak in a way) , am I just not used to people being nice to me or is it a built-in feature in my system that one can't override. *My favorite character is Christina Yang. I wish I was as tough as she is, even in her vulnerability, she is stronger than most. As much as I pretend to be tough or wear my plastic mask, everyone who knows me, or reads my blog knows how to penetrate that mask. I feel transparent most of the time. *Christina panicked when Burk opened the car door for her. I just realized, noone has opened the car door for me before. I try to imagine my reaction to that.. no clue! I keep comparing myself to George, whom I really like, but he has those bits and pieces that annoy me as they remind me of me; being everyone's friend, clumsy, emotionally attached to someone unavailable, smart at work but not so smart in relationships, says all the wrong things all the time, show when I'm lying and can't keep my mouth shut for long...etc *I think I'm the least interesting women possible in a relationship and really I started to understand the reasons for the 2 ex-s. If we say that men don't enjoy the chase, like mysterious women , mind games, just a touch of mess and spontaneity then I am simply unattractive.. However, the above, in my opinion, make me an excellent candidate for a best friend. A convenient person, who likes to spoil you and get nothing in return, who will show you how I feel about you without any mind games, transparent about how I feel and think and believe, will gladly take the responsibilities which you leave behind , punctual and organized. What would anyone want more in a friend? *As much as I like to compare, I know that this is just a series and it is not real life. You ask for proof, I quote a Beautiful South in Rotterdam , "And everyone is blond And everyone is beautiful and when blond and beautiful are multiple they become so dull and dutiful" *And even though everyone is blond and beautiful and that doesn't really happen in real life, one thing really happens in real life and is worth a celebration: friendship. Seeing how friends lift you up when you're down is worth way more than anything you can possibly mention.

Someones and Other Tidbits

Someone(s) i work with told me I don't complain enough! :D their point was that I take it as long as am able to handle (which is partially true).. the way i see it is that when i need to complain, i will have grounds because "its very rare when i do, so i must be credible..i don't think they take it this way. someone told me i am a workaholic -if only she see me at uni- but then again, at uni i had this image of an "academician".. always carrying many books, none of them is about any of my courses :) I discovered i really have a short temper for passive people, it makes me sick to my stomach.. and i've been having this lately a lot.. and then someone tells you "but he is kind ya haram!" and am like what :@? Kind and so he unloads his load of problems on me and expect me to react? Even in problems that don't concern me at all, if i don't feel people are not trying hard enough, i am starting to find it very difficult to sympathize.. Possibilities scare me.. And the fact that possibilities scare me is scaring me more.. OK lets take this one at a time, possibilities scare me because they let me know what is attainable, they make me aspire, they open new doors.. they bring into existence a wealth of unguarded dreams/hopes, and this is scary.. i want "contentment", but then i find i can get "ecstasy" so what was acceptable is now not matching the criteria, and i "raise the bar"! :) As for the second scary fact, I always prided myself on being someone who welcomes change and is open to options, blah blah, so the fact that i am scared makes me feel that i am so limited.. I feel that " so i want to be a happy settled person and that's it? Seriously saso?? I thought there was more to you than mere contentment".. So its an inner conflict, is it that i have no ambition? no horizon? or is it that i am sooooooo open to possibilities that i just accept them but am not willing to change them? I seriously don't know.. this has to do with everything.. life, work, relations, all..

fuzzy thoughts

poor , naive, silly me still manages to imagine corny stuff. How many times do I need to break my own heart to get past it! After not being able to be with any guy for so long, I thought I was past all the fluff and into the hardcore part. I thought I didnt care about the long walks, the whole day togeathe, the lunches and the nightly phone calls till the break of dawn. I honestly thought so. But it shocked me that a part of me is still looking for this stuff. Well, a nice kind of shock, I proved I am human, not made of stone. (though on second thoughts, I would have rather been made of stone than break my heart one more time. That's a different story for a different day). It's nice to have oneself spoiled by someone, even if this spoiling is just in one's head, no?

random thoughts during the afternoon

- I haven't enjoyed a cozy night with someone i like in a very long time. -I went to bed at dawn and I woke up after four hours feeling fresh. - Throughout my whole life I felt I am destined to wait. Wait for everything. Wait for people, for transportation, for things to happen, for events that change my life and so on... things happen, people come and go and I'm still waiting.. - I'm glad I'm writing my thoughts like that. Better than writing a diary. Sometimes when I want to write a diary I find nothing at all to write down. Just a blank page. - Sometimes I wonder if I literally have a heart. I touch my chest and I feel the heartbeats, yet I still imagine a hollow dark space inside. "I'm in the dark here, you understand? I'm in the dark!". Al Pacino as Colonel Frank Slade - Scent of a woman - I still can't believe I have to travel again, and I wonder how it will be when I leave behind everyone and everything again. :( - There is nothing in the world like taking a walk in Alexandria and feeling the cool air caressing your face. even if it will make you sick later :) - I keep listening to Chicago songs over and over again. Chicago the band not the musical nor the movie. Every word touches a scar hidden deep inside. "There is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that". Also Al Pacino as Colonel Frank Slade - Scent of a woman - I'm grateful for everything in my life.

randam thoughts

I realized that most of the time it's becoming easier for me not to talk stuff. I'd feel this huge load on my chest, keep thinking about it for hours, days and sometimes weeks, perhaps giving some main headlines to close friends, but not talk it off like I used to do in the past. I don't know if I lost the will to talk or just the talent to express. !! That is one of many changes that I am realizing about myself that make me very uncomfortable. so I am actually writing now to Get it out in the open, no matter how long or short this post becomes. I used to be a control freak; I can't say I liked it , but it was the way I knew how to handle things, the way my life went on. Now, I'm becoming so passive, always on the wait-and-see mood. And no, not the patience wait-and-see rather the passive, i-hope-things-work-out-without-me-needing-to-change-anything. It's bringing me down really, but I'm too tired to do anything about it. I think it's rather sad, that at the age of 27, I realized that life is going in a direction that I neither like nor enjoy yet I don't have the strength nor willpower to change that. Not that I know what *exactly* I want to do with my life, but at least I know what I don't want; and that's what I have now. I've always had that problem, it's easier for me to find what I don't want and use elimination to reach what I want. That's what I did for choosing university; I knew I didn't want medicine, economics, politics, ...etc. I'm not sure I did the right thing by choosing law, I keep thinking what would have my life turned out to be if I didn't! Anyway, I can't even organize my thoughts. Back to the present, there's no use dwelling over the past, when we have a whole present to whine about. So, my life, directions, ...etc. Note to self: I must stop trying to make a joke of every serious thing I say. So what if people take me seriously and think I'm emotional. Since when did I become funny anyway. That's one of the things I'm hating about me, I always crack a joke at the end of a statement which I think will cause sympathy, I have no idea why!!!. It may be a way of saving pride, but then again, since when did pride become a factor in my evaluation of things. A good friend told me "you're only hurting yourself", but don't I always!? Back to the direction, I'm as furthest as I've been with God, and this is causing me great distress. I tried so many approaches either advised by friends and family or written in books, but I'm always preoccupied with something else. Or I do something good and then follow it with a catastrophe the following day ,my thoughts and ideas are messed up. I know and believe in particular things but I keep doubting myself. It's driving me mad. Love life isn't any better than religious life, I'm desperately in love with someone who happened to stop love me or still love me but can't marry me or whatever... I know life is supposed to move on and that maybe God is saving someone better for me , or that maybe simply this one is not meant to be. I know I dragged myself into this mess and it's only me that can get myself out. I know that you're gonna say he's not worth my tears. And that if really knew my "worth", he'd be with me and all that. I know it by heart, but at the end of the day, there are two types of people; people who you leave the world behind to be with them and people who you leave behind to be with the world. Life and experience proved that I'm the second type, he's the first. End of story. Work, work is shit! I don't think I ever had a job that caused me that much anxiety and lack of sleep. I have mixed and contradicting feelings about my new job. For many, this may be the dream job, but for me, it's still on the wait-and-see list. It'd be good if things got better, but if they don't that means I'd have to face myself with the scariest question; so, what else do you want to do? I really don't know. Questions I keep asking myself are; should one just take the first opportunity that life threw on my way (taking the its a sign approach), adapt and move on, Or should I keep looking for the next best thing? Friends?! still i am not over the death of A.S. I don't need to seek other friends, now . You know the i-need-a-hug feeling? I can't always be the whiner when everyone has much problems as I do. And the other friends who I don't see often? I keep saying, meet them and then what? they'll ask so what's new and I'd say what? same old same old? Oh I can't do that. Family, is almost ok, besides the constant arguments regarding them wanting me to get married to the first bozo that proposes because I'm getting older. Actually, all the arguments with my mum is about this issue, she was not only provocative but also insulting. Thinking about it, as for my dad he always say he treats me as a friend not as a daughter and matter fact thats how i feel, yet there's always something bothering him about me, my chooses, my life style, my friends, my work.. he's this kind of person who believe there's two ways to do things his way and the wrong way !!! Here? I #$%^$ hate it. Khalas, I can't stand it. I really need to get out of this country. I can't stand the traffic, the people, the garbage problem, the hypocrisy, the rudeness, the misinterpretation of religion and most of all, I can't stand living in a place where I feel there is no hope. But I have to again be passive, wait-and-see, because this point highly depends on family, love life and work (see above), so we go back to square zero. I keep thinking about the above points in random order all the time , ALL THE TIME. It tires me and puts a huge load on my chest. And being a grown up who knows that Santa doesn't exist and that no sweet fairy-god-mother of mine will magically make all worries and troubles disappear, I find myself thinking, that if life will keep getting worse (which it will), and if there is nothing in my hand to make it better (which is becoming increasingly true with time), then we might as well, excuse ourselves, put on our hats and just leave!? So I'm not suicidal enough to put an end to it, nor am I religious enough to decide to dedicate the rest of my life to well-doing. So? What next, spend the next few days(or weeks, or months) staring at the ceiling and hoping for some positive winds of change? And that's the point when I realized, oh, well, clearly I am depressed. Hence, I decided, for lack of anything positive I can do about it, I'll just wait-and-see

fuzzy thoughts

i've never been a person who has the ability of braking somebody's heart, or say insulting stuff , i always preferred being left than leaving someone.

usually or mostly when i can't bear someone or something i just walk away, hide, avoid contact but i have never done that kind of dramatic conversations , where you say i don't think we are gonna be friends i see nothing in common between us, or its not gonna work ect....

i always been known as a bold person but when it comes to this subject i just can't...i know its not a right thing..

today i have this thought: do i really just walk away or i actually run away??!!
and when i run away am i running for something that i want more, or something better??

or am i running away from something that i'm afraid to have / i can't have??

i've never knew