randam thoughts

I realized that most of the time it's becoming easier for me not to talk stuff. I'd feel this huge load on my chest, keep thinking about it for hours, days and sometimes weeks, perhaps giving some main headlines to close friends, but not talk it off like I used to do in the past. I don't know if I lost the will to talk or just the talent to express. !! That is one of many changes that I am realizing about myself that make me very uncomfortable. so I am actually writing now to Get it out in the open, no matter how long or short this post becomes. I used to be a control freak; I can't say I liked it , but it was the way I knew how to handle things, the way my life went on. Now, I'm becoming so passive, always on the wait-and-see mood. And no, not the patience wait-and-see rather the passive, i-hope-things-work-out-without-me-needing-to-change-anything. It's bringing me down really, but I'm too tired to do anything about it. I think it's rather sad, that at the age of 27, I realized that life is going in a direction that I neither like nor enjoy yet I don't have the strength nor willpower to change that. Not that I know what *exactly* I want to do with my life, but at least I know what I don't want; and that's what I have now. I've always had that problem, it's easier for me to find what I don't want and use elimination to reach what I want. That's what I did for choosing university; I knew I didn't want medicine, economics, politics, ...etc. I'm not sure I did the right thing by choosing law, I keep thinking what would have my life turned out to be if I didn't! Anyway, I can't even organize my thoughts. Back to the present, there's no use dwelling over the past, when we have a whole present to whine about. So, my life, directions, ...etc. Note to self: I must stop trying to make a joke of every serious thing I say. So what if people take me seriously and think I'm emotional. Since when did I become funny anyway. That's one of the things I'm hating about me, I always crack a joke at the end of a statement which I think will cause sympathy, I have no idea why!!!. It may be a way of saving pride, but then again, since when did pride become a factor in my evaluation of things. A good friend told me "you're only hurting yourself", but don't I always!? Back to the direction, I'm as furthest as I've been with God, and this is causing me great distress. I tried so many approaches either advised by friends and family or written in books, but I'm always preoccupied with something else. Or I do something good and then follow it with a catastrophe the following day ,my thoughts and ideas are messed up. I know and believe in particular things but I keep doubting myself. It's driving me mad. Love life isn't any better than religious life, I'm desperately in love with someone who happened to stop love me or still love me but can't marry me or whatever... I know life is supposed to move on and that maybe God is saving someone better for me , or that maybe simply this one is not meant to be. I know I dragged myself into this mess and it's only me that can get myself out. I know that you're gonna say he's not worth my tears. And that if really knew my "worth", he'd be with me and all that. I know it by heart, but at the end of the day, there are two types of people; people who you leave the world behind to be with them and people who you leave behind to be with the world. Life and experience proved that I'm the second type, he's the first. End of story. Work, work is shit! I don't think I ever had a job that caused me that much anxiety and lack of sleep. I have mixed and contradicting feelings about my new job. For many, this may be the dream job, but for me, it's still on the wait-and-see list. It'd be good if things got better, but if they don't that means I'd have to face myself with the scariest question; so, what else do you want to do? I really don't know. Questions I keep asking myself are; should one just take the first opportunity that life threw on my way (taking the its a sign approach), adapt and move on, Or should I keep looking for the next best thing? Friends?! still i am not over the death of A.S. I don't need to seek other friends, now . You know the i-need-a-hug feeling? I can't always be the whiner when everyone has much problems as I do. And the other friends who I don't see often? I keep saying, meet them and then what? they'll ask so what's new and I'd say what? same old same old? Oh I can't do that. Family, is almost ok, besides the constant arguments regarding them wanting me to get married to the first bozo that proposes because I'm getting older. Actually, all the arguments with my mum is about this issue, she was not only provocative but also insulting. Thinking about it, as for my dad he always say he treats me as a friend not as a daughter and matter fact thats how i feel, yet there's always something bothering him about me, my chooses, my life style, my friends, my work.. he's this kind of person who believe there's two ways to do things his way and the wrong way !!! Here? I #$%^$ hate it. Khalas, I can't stand it. I really need to get out of this country. I can't stand the traffic, the people, the garbage problem, the hypocrisy, the rudeness, the misinterpretation of religion and most of all, I can't stand living in a place where I feel there is no hope. But I have to again be passive, wait-and-see, because this point highly depends on family, love life and work (see above), so we go back to square zero. I keep thinking about the above points in random order all the time , ALL THE TIME. It tires me and puts a huge load on my chest. And being a grown up who knows that Santa doesn't exist and that no sweet fairy-god-mother of mine will magically make all worries and troubles disappear, I find myself thinking, that if life will keep getting worse (which it will), and if there is nothing in my hand to make it better (which is becoming increasingly true with time), then we might as well, excuse ourselves, put on our hats and just leave!? So I'm not suicidal enough to put an end to it, nor am I religious enough to decide to dedicate the rest of my life to well-doing. So? What next, spend the next few days(or weeks, or months) staring at the ceiling and hoping for some positive winds of change? And that's the point when I realized, oh, well, clearly I am depressed. Hence, I decided, for lack of anything positive I can do about it, I'll just wait-and-see