confession

I am a girl with abandoning issues I know I said that here before, my confession is that i have been abandoned too much in my life from too many people that I am always expecting people to leave, always preparing myself for that next moment of letting go/ abandoning /goodbye..

dump mind

when the feelings of love are so overwhelming yet not reciprocated... when there's a lot of giving you want to give but are suffocated... it's either noone deserves it.. or everyone does; but you just don't know how.. when you feel like sharing and you find noone who cares or noone worth sharing ... when you feel like screaming but there's just no air so you can't even hear yourself scream.. or even worse, when it's too wide of a space.. so the echo of your voice return back to haunt you, to torture you and leave you more pain... So you say I'll smile... if I fake it long enough I know I can make it.. but you don't.. and you look in the mirror to see a you that you don't recognize what you see.. i say "what " because it is a mess.. a mess you caused by all your faking.. and it doesn't get better, but you hope and you say.. one day things will be better, I will be better , prettier.. inside and out.. calmer, nicer, happier or at least content... but the longer you walk, the darker it gets.. and you worry.. how long will my candle last... back to the love.. which causes all the problems.. I'm in love with him.. in love with her.. in love with you.. in love with all of you.. and I don't feel half as loved as I love... I'm not given half what I can give.. and it's not fair... but you say "life is not fair".. but I guess I'm just tired of pretending I had it all when all I have is null... well , not exactly null.. I have a lot alhamdulilah.. I don't want to sound ungrateful... but I'm just tired of this whore they call life who only offers instantaneous pleasures but only if you pay the right price... look at me.. I'm quoting the same ideas that I heard criticized over and over .. ...hence the bitterness... ...hence the loneliness... ...I'm becoming everything that I hated..

i miss you

Seems I'm not getting over you. I keep thinking of you and all the times we had together; the fun and the not so fun. I remember the days I used to complain, I was so naive, forgive me, I now know how much of an idiot I was to be sad in such a heaven. I miss everything about you. I miss hanging out with you, having coffee, sharing music, chatting with you, i miss having launch with you, watching TV, discussing BL episodes.. i miss seeing myself in your eyes, i miss feeling alive.. I discovered that since our life together was so fulfilling, I up on our social life, and now, its so hard not to have either of you. It's so hard to try to get in touch with old friends and I don't have enough of you. I'm becoming a social retard. Anyway, that's all side effects which I am trying to accommodate to. At the end I'd say,still i am thankful for the opportunity, the experience, this year together. Like they say, it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all, otherwise, how would I have known such genuine love. NOT OVER YOU Sarah

Someones and Other Tidbits

Someone(s) i work with told me I don't complain enough! :D their point was that I take it as long as am able to handle (which is partially true).. the way i see it is that when i need to complain, i will have grounds because "its very rare when i do, so i must be credible..i don't think they take it this way. someone told me i am a workaholic -if only she see me at uni- but then again, at uni i had this image of an "academician".. always carrying many books, none of them is about any of my courses :) I discovered i really have a short temper for passive people, it makes me sick to my stomach.. and i've been having this lately a lot.. and then someone tells you "but he is kind ya haram!" and am like what :@? Kind and so he unloads his load of problems on me and expect me to react? Even in problems that don't concern me at all, if i don't feel people are not trying hard enough, i am starting to find it very difficult to sympathize.. Possibilities scare me.. And the fact that possibilities scare me is scaring me more.. OK lets take this one at a time, possibilities scare me because they let me know what is attainable, they make me aspire, they open new doors.. they bring into existence a wealth of unguarded dreams/hopes, and this is scary.. i want "contentment", but then i find i can get "ecstasy" so what was acceptable is now not matching the criteria, and i "raise the bar"! :) As for the second scary fact, I always prided myself on being someone who welcomes change and is open to options, blah blah, so the fact that i am scared makes me feel that i am so limited.. I feel that " so i want to be a happy settled person and that's it? Seriously saso?? I thought there was more to you than mere contentment".. So its an inner conflict, is it that i have no ambition? no horizon? or is it that i am sooooooo open to possibilities that i just accept them but am not willing to change them? I seriously don't know.. this has to do with everything.. life, work, relations, all..

fuzzy thoughts

poor , naive, silly me still manages to imagine corny stuff. How many times do I need to break my own heart to get past it! After not being able to be with any guy for so long, I thought I was past all the fluff and into the hardcore part. I thought I didnt care about the long walks, the whole day togeathe, the lunches and the nightly phone calls till the break of dawn. I honestly thought so. But it shocked me that a part of me is still looking for this stuff. Well, a nice kind of shock, I proved I am human, not made of stone. (though on second thoughts, I would have rather been made of stone than break my heart one more time. That's a different story for a different day). It's nice to have oneself spoiled by someone, even if this spoiling is just in one's head, no?

after all

after all the laughs, the tears. after all the crush, after all the things we been through, after all the special memories we made, it all may end up with an ugly meaningless goodbye.

why don't feelings come with an insurance policy?!!

what i do feel, is something that i'm sure about but, no-one, including myself has a guarantee of what are others feeling towards me ..... love is just a feeling, but is it really like the feeling of pain, that may die ?? i really don't know, but i doubt.. feelings are different regarding degree and perception when i fall in love, i really do i may never let myself fall in love unless i'm sure, but no-one has an insurance policy regarding the other partner's real feelings.... in my opinion, love, passion, sex, TRUST, care, warmth, jealousy and support are one unit, i don't think that some of them could be available without others. if my partner loves me or doesn't, how may i know??? i think love has signs, but again no insurance policy there's something strange happens to me in special, something that i can't find a clue for it why it's happening and why in such way? love as a feeling can't be a solo feeling, it's a mutual one whenever it happens from someone of those lots who did to me but i didn't feel anything to any of them, i don't consider it as a love, it might be something else like like and/or admire not love but whenever there's a mutual case, which i consider love, it ends usually the same painful end !!!! it seems that there's something wrong regarding myself, may be i don't know how to love??!!!! but, now, i don't feel that this is the end, i really don't know why, i'm still in love and in pain