forever friends

Every so often, we meet people in this world who change our lives in a real way.
Or maybe, it's that you have friends who are with you during life-changing periods of your life and they forever remain tied to that person you were as you were becoming who you are.

I have several of these friends, people who stood by me, walked with me and held my hands during critical points of my life. 

They have my secrets in their hearts, they know my soul. 

Some of them are still my friends, some still flit at the edge of my friendship circle, while others have wandered out of my life entirely.

Moments like these makes me remember how fortunate I am in the realm of friendship. How lucky I am to have a host of friends who touch me, who love me tenderly and toughly, who simply know me. 

Thank you, my friends, far and wide, for loving me and all of my numerous imperfections.

Thank you for standing by me, for holding my hand, listening to my words, hearing me.
 It has been a privilege walking this journey of life, sharing my joys.

Thank you.

silly tricks of time

you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack, you may find yourself in 

another part of the world, you may find yourself behind the wheel of a 

large car, you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife

And you may find yourself like saying "Well...How did I get here?"

nobody dies from too much sleep

the alarm starts, with it starts the usual morning story,
 i gaze at the ceiling for a while,then i press snooze a couple of times,
and i stay like this for an a hour or more, 
and i became very creative regarding coming up with excuses,sometimes i say to myself weather is horrible out there, I'll stay in bed for some more.
other times i say what's wrong in being late to work today?!
 and many times i get out of bed, and open my closet, then get back 
into bed to think what am i gonna wear today.


anyway it takes me around an hour and a something, 
to get myself out of bed,take my shower, get dressed and then i take my first courage pill
i look at the mirror
 and say to myself"اجمد يا وحش كده واتوكل عالله وانزل شوف اكل عيشك"
and i arrive at work feeling like a heroine, freezing my emotions,
 acting all reckless as if i were the strongest girl alive,
then around 12 pm the courage pill effect start to feed away
so i take another courage pill
go to the bathroom, look myself at the mirror


 and say" هانت يا جميل مش فاضل كتير خلاص"


the second part of the day is the slowest part on me,
 because thats when the all alone feeling start to hit me, and since i lately somehow lost my will to argue or fight inside or outside work 
so i have no other solution but feeling bothered and annoyed, 
because for some cosmic reason something has to go wrong everyday


then i start my trip back home in traffic jams, 
and crowded sunny streets, thats when i start cursing the day and life 
and people, can't stand this any more, 
and thats when all the bad memories and stupid troubles in my
life, and all the unhandled issues starts to roll-on my head
 and i feel so tensed,
 that i almost want  to cry
then again i take another courage pill
i look at my reflection on the Wind shield 
and say to myself
" معقول كده يا ساسو يا قمر انتى نروح البيت معيطين نستحمل شويه كمان يا قطة كلها شوية ونكون مع الحبيب الغالى"
i usually arrive home to find every thing too quiet , too empty except for my dog that run at me the moment i enter the door
so i either surrender to the pressure and crash into my negative feelings of loneliness, failure,whine 
and start crying my guts out
or i just take another courage pill and go do anything positive surf the net, 
or flip channels or call somebody
and in both scenarios i become out of energy,
 and the emptiness feeling starts to increase
and i feel like missing it
so i look at it in longing
it looks back at me with tenderness 
i remember its fuzzy comforting hug and i just miss it more and more
so i just say to myself whats the hell,  nobody dies from too much sleep
so i throw myself in its cozy hug ,and I stay awake for like 2 hours thinking about my day,
 hmm. 
such a boring  ordinary day like all other days 
and i say: oh shit, what if all days continued to be like this 
and before i start hallucinating and thinking about this concern 
I jump out of bed to take my last courage pill
I look at the mirror
 and say to myself" ايه يا ساسو حتى النوم كمان حنحاف منه؟ نامى نامى و ان شاء الله بكرة حيكون احسن"

طاب لو كده be yourself وله ايه

today i was having a talk with a very introvert friend of mine about personal privacy, crossing lines, how much interfering is annoying or even considered interfering to such an introvert  person,
then a the whole cyber, virtual, internet, chatting, social media is about crossing lines, if not all line without actually crossing any line

its me, but i'm somebody else, its my picture but i'm hiding behind an avatar from real life, real people, we are all people here and we are all real but we are all someone's else virtual dude..

i can be anything, anyone, talk any talk, with whom ever i want here, but in real life i am that person sitting in a cafe staring at the ipad or laptop or even mobile and smiling at the screen, though there's nothing to laugh about around, or that person who sleeps with his blackberry over his head or that girl who is walking around with her phone texting.

we are all one of those people or even all those people,trapped in another world by choice, we are all weirdo to someone out there in real life with our geeky talk and our un-separate-able  communication methods..

time to go back

i live in a bubble, that i created to isolate myself from life, relatives, even family from annoying undesired news,events and irritating stupid people..

and sometimes though i am old enough and know better i take a chance on life, and Get out of my bubble.. 

have a look at the real world as it is and when someone/something shocks the hell out of me, screwed up my mind i know its time for me to gather the remains and go back into my bubble.

so far this is the oldest i have been

i demand my rights for a magician stick

do you remember that post? well i am still hunted with that question whats missing? what changed?
the closest conclusion that i came to is the following:-


* i am sort of, kindda of happy. yeah i am not sad,i am actually content, come to think about it this sort of career life and this way of living was a thought that i once thought about for myself maybe with some changes
but come on, i get what i wanted so i am happy..


*i feel different, even different than the weirdo scary me, (thats what people say at least) but personally i think i have been getting those blank mind condition more often, i started having no reaction in situations that people who know me expect me to yell and get in a rage, i stopped having reaction to things i can't change, i am growing up (this phrase just jumped into my mind though i didn't thought of it at all !!)


 I feel I need a magical formula,  that can help me cast a spell on me to be more assured of what i feel and think, to answer all the what(s) and why(s), and which(s)  maybe something like a magician's stick, and get a rabbit out!
 And you know what the sad thing is.. I don't have any clue what *that* rabbit might be like or even if its a rabbit or not!

random thoughts about death (lack of security)

i always wanted to die young, i never imagined myself 50

i thought if i should die of cancer i want it to be liver cancer
because its fast and they'll give me a huge amount of pain killers so
i'll be numbed and dead.

but it never crossed my mind that i'll die of a bleeder stab in the
street like a street dog,

or i'll die the kind of death that my family have to identify my body,
i am not afraid of dying don't get me wrong (thought i'm not sure
whether i'm ready to face my after life or not)
actually its bothering me that i'm reckless about this subject, and i
become very bold when it comes to streets harassments
but what i think about everyday when i  leave the house and in my way
back is dying in such way
i am scared of being a thrown body on a side-way..

reality sucks life out of me..

I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. 
I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.
~ Anaïs Nin

and to answer an old question:Are we factually as daring as we “literary” are?
Are we all seeking ecstasy – quasi masturbating – with liberating literature or art, and disregarding – whether consciously or dreamingly – our limitations in reaching “neverland”?

I did, you did, we did.. We dreamt of neverland, and we started creating it. But reality is harsh, and it turned a dreamy neverland into a castle of ashes, another form of shackling reality.. So we were escaping from one cage into another, with the illusion of escape... We promised to float, "etre en mer", but we were weights pulling each other down to drown..

Oh well, reality sucks.. sucks the life out of me.

Pessimism..

last Saturday i were at Diwan Heliopolis  in the upstairs cafe and i over heard the following conversation between A girl in her 20's sitting with 3 guys in their early 20s

they were discussing some business or group of a sort..
I'm a couple of meters away from them so it is -as always- easy to eavesdrop. Apparently the girl represents some company that recruits salespeople who work from home and get paid only on commission based on performance by end of year, etc..
Something that sounds too fishy and slightly too good to be true..
For some reason, she is only addressing one of the guys.
The other two seem like they are the guy's friends, but also like they are already in the girl's team somehow.

The guy -as all guys do- is trying to act 'fetek'. Like he is asking all the "right" questions, and what if this, and what if that, and what guarantees, etc. But it also seems he's game..

So in the middle of it all, I hear a sentence that was going to make me laugh out loud.

Girl: so, f aswa2 el zoroof, you will have 10 contacts.

Guy: tayeb, howa fee aswa2 men aswa2 el zoroof?

Girl: Enta motasha2em bardo?

I thought they called it aswa2 el zoroof for a reason..

this is the thing

the things that keep us apart keep me alive. and the things that keep me alive keep me alone.

wisdom from the day

some of the most important realizations in life happen in the blink of an eye... so we fail to understand how important it was to pay attention in the first place... 

and here's my updates in plain words

finally i am here, to say my big news :)


i officially left my work and the whole telecommunications industry for good,
 no more mobiles. no more quota,no more sales..


the story
about a month and a half  ago i started preparing my file to present it to department of justice after my father pulled some threats and got me a job at the Supreme Court of Appeal,
 so after 5 years of feeling that my work is eating my life
i'll have a life, i'll have fixed times of work, have lots of time to do other things during the day, which amazingly fits the plan i recently put for myself.

i know the payroll is going to be less than what i used to take, but i'm totally fine with it
 as long as it will cover my expenses,
all my friends thinks that i'm stupid for making such career swap, but i'm really happy and comfortable, 
i believe that i'm taking the right decision  for me here, 
and common  be realistic its not like when i took the big salary i went clubbing every night, or spent my holidays at spas and getting tanned sitting in poles or shopping for evening dresses.


bottom line
 this thing was in my mind for many years, and it happening now is a perfect timing for me, 
as i need the change, and the different life.


second update
 couple of days ago i booked an appointment with an Orthodontics on wednesday, to straighten my teeth, 
which is another thing that has been in my mind for many years also.


* now my plan is complete in my mind i'll reveal it exclusively to you my virtual world (L)
i decided to give time for myself, lots of time.
i decided to get everything i wanted to do to me "look wise" and postponed it before done by the end of this year isA.
i will make me worthy loving me,working on my phobias, and issues that needs to be worked on.  
i'll finally do what i always wanted to do but was too busy extending my hand for others, while i knew that deep within me i'm a mess, i'm not complete 
i'll be complete on my own, to be able to give, to be able to share,
i won't live in a bubble as i did last year, waiting for love and appreciation to come from the outside, waiting to be loved to feel good about me and love me 
its just not right.
i am my priority for the time being.
i decided i'll no longer take risks for anybody, nor change my life routine.. 


*now to the part that has been rolling on my head since i got the news that tomorrow is my first day at my new job:


new day, new people, new place, new life, new expectations, new perspectives.... 
new,,me?!! still can't tell


*tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life :)
wish me well 
here, i'll leave you with this amazing song and say
nighty night

one side conversation at the dentist today

my dentist: "Did something break inside last time? "

Because this definitely couldn't have happened today, it must be last time." 

That is the kind of speech I definitely don't wanna  hear while lying down at the guy's mercy! 
and despite the anger rage that is constantly Accompanying me nowadays I just  had two options to choose between

first: pretend that i overheard someone talking about a different person other than myself.
second: pretend I didn't hear anything " and thats what i did :s.

updates

isn't  it just typical that the minute  you take a decision, the whole world 
conspires to make sure you don't follow through!!

You start a diet, then your mum starts making brownies and cookies, and you get to be invited to lunches outside, that you can't say no to..

You get back to the gym, then work load starts increasing out of nowhere,

that you actually can't find time.

You plan and plan and usually fail!

and the only one to blame in all this is Murphy !

see according to the Murphy's law "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong"

But you know what Mr. Murphy, not this time! 

I'm determined to make it through..

actually i want to announce to my Dearest virtual world,

that I'm doing better,

hmmm actually i'm just not bad, but i think its a start and its enough for now.

I mean, at the end, despite the bumpy ride and the multiple attempts to spoil it,

January and February of 2010 wasn't that bad after all. 

I'll detail more in another post

thats all for now

B-bye

salmon, dentist and fashion

at 2 pm I am in Casper & Gambini's City Stars, 
I flip the menu for about 5 minutes, then I ask the waitress to come and order mushroom  Soap and Grilled Salmon.
 The waiter looks at me and smiles saying: "Salmon?
 or would you like to have Pasta?"
And I am like "!!!!!!"
 Am I not Salmon Material?
 Did I ask for your opinion? 
If I want Pasta, Why would I possibly ask for Salmon !!!


then i headed to the dentist clinic
I walk in through the building entrance, 
the security guard asks me: "where to?"
I tell him " DR. xxxx clinic in the third floor".
 He says: " something is wrong with your teeth, do you have cavity or are you going to remove a tooth?
 and again I am like "YES !!!! 
I am sure as hell it just didn't occur to me to spend my Saturday afternoon at a DR clinic!!!!!!!


today, and for reasons I now can't imagine, I went shopping with a friend of mine with a typical egyption choppy body.
She'd seen a dress in a magazine and wanted to try it on.
 When she did, she started crying because she though she looked fat and lumpy in it.
But then she would, I pointed out, because she's a woman with breasts and hips and buttocks, and those hadn't been catered for in a design aimed at someone who looked like two parallel lines from any angle. 
The problem with a lot of women's fashion is that it is the work of gay men and designed to look good on adolescent boys.


so We decided that fashion is for fools and went for a cheeseburger instead." that i just sat and watch her eating because i just get my teeth done :s

pure emptiness to me is called liberty

i checked my Gmail, my Hotmail, my yahoo mail and i found NO incoming mails at any of them, so i got rejected by 3 different kinds of mail accounts, but i'll get over it , no worry :)

i checked my Facebook profile there's not a single notification or even invitation to any silly quiz or application, nor any massages even auto massages from groups or fan pages NON.

i checked my twitter profile no replies, no DM

and of course my mobile stopped ringing long time ago, 

actually i made a new recored see from 16 feb till 19 feb my mobile didn't make any sound, not even a missed call, no sms, NOTHING

there was a period of my life when my mobile was nice to me, during that time it used to ring the minute i look at it or think of somebody and i find it ringing right away

but that was back then.

nowadays i can look at it till tomorrow and it will do nothing, not even the sound of the battery becoming empty.

now when i even call any of my old friends "reconnecting with people ya3ni" they are either busy to reply or actually if they do reply i find nothing to say, no conversation!! 

i'm not an anti-social person but currently i appreciate/ want to be alone , but i'm not letting myself fall into this empty dark space because its not healthy, so i am pushing myself to do stuff to keep busy.

i have this illusion or maybe true feeling that i become a boring, not good company person, so whenever i think about communicating with any of my friends or people in my network even , i find this imaginary recorder voice massage playing in my head 
" the number you're calling really won't or don't want to answer your call, so for the sake of humanity go find yourself something useful to do".

i know that all i said is confusing, but to say it straight forward i don't care that i'm alone, matter fact i enjoy being alone, yet i shouldn't be alone because its not right/healthy to shut myself from the world..!!!!  

Just documenting my brilliant and amazing thoughts

in a short straight phrase" i'm just not a wedding guest material ". 

Plain and simple.

Not only did I always not like them, but also, it grows worse every wedding.

 Anyway, last Friday, I went to the wedding of a close friend of mine from my EX work. 

And although non-customary, I really wanted to go,

 AND I thought I looked nice. 

I went to the wedding, met my old co-workers (who are mostly guys) and some other people I know. 

So, on the scale of feeling out of place(which i always feel in weddings), this was the least intensive. 

Yet somehow, I felt too tall, too big and by far too old!

Oh, and need I mention how the night dresses keep getting shorter! LOL each to their own.

 Anyway, 

I'm not complaining really.

 These are facts of life that I need to deal with:

 growing older, fatter, girls getting younger and prettier, skirts/dresses getting shorter in a way that i can't follow up ...

and so on.

FYI

i always thought/said if I ever get married, I won't have a wedding.

to the dear cleaning lady

When I am in the toilet, please please please refrain from spraying your cheap brand lemon-scented air freshner all around me.

For one, it freaking makes me sneeze.. you should've noticed that by now

For two, you can really wait a minute until I leave, can't you? What kind of message are you implying? That I am smelly?

For three, you're the one with the freakin BO. If you can figure out that a toilet needs freshening up, I am sure you can figure that out about yourself too..


Smell you later,
Cranky Mean Disturbed Sneezing Me

Inexplicable phobia

I've been having this inexplicable phobia which started a couple of days ago when i saw a gecko in our staircase. 
I'm checking out every ceiling or wall before I enter buildings or rooms in fear that one day , I will enter a room and see a bors (yes i prefer to use bors than gecko).
 Having seen that bors, I will shiver or something, which will scare the bors which will then will have a heart attack and die, falling over my head!

Weird, but , really, that's the only thing I can blog about now.
 Bor-es with a heart-attack over my head!