a question from today

when your previous life experiences preset your heart and mind to be always afraid
afraid of opening up in fear of getting hurt,
afraid of getting close to someone in fear of watching them walk away,
afraid of loving in fear of losing ones you love,
afraid of pausing and relaxing for a while in fear of missing something
what should you do???

Sanity or insanity ?!!

I was thinking recently of the reason behind all this, what I write and share here..
I am not entirely a private person, not to my close ones and not to all details, however, I find it a bit "cheap" to share deep and private emotions over a blog for anyone (not worthy enough!) to read.. I realize am a bit judgmental (cheap, not worthy, yes!)..

And this thinking led me to some conclusions..
I do like sharing, but I do not always like relating. I realized, therefore, I was doing this for me.
I was doing this to have some concrete proof of my (in)sanity. Taking snapshots of my life.
Not necessarily as it is but as it appears to be.
Chosen recorded moments, over a span of almost 2 years now. Impressive..

A lot has changed..
Going back and reading, sometimes I don't even understand what made me write something or the other..
Sometimes I even forget that I felt this way about something or someone.

The frequency of posts is proportionate (directly or inversely I don't need to tell!) to the intensity of actions and feelings..

It is like spying on myself from outside my head.
I find that amusing! The happiness, the bitterness, the nostalgia, the anger, the cynicism, and -occasionally- the temporary peace..

My concrete proof of sanity..
this time without the doubting parentheses.

Pessimism..

last Saturday i were at Diwan Heliopolis  in the upstairs cafe and i over heard the following conversation between A girl in her 20's sitting with 3 guys in their early 20s

they were discussing some business or group of a sort..
I'm a couple of meters away from them so it is -as always- easy to eavesdrop. Apparently the girl represents some company that recruits salespeople who work from home and get paid only on commission based on performance by end of year, etc..
Something that sounds too fishy and slightly too good to be true..
For some reason, she is only addressing one of the guys.
The other two seem like they are the guy's friends, but also like they are already in the girl's team somehow.

The guy -as all guys do- is trying to act 'fetek'. Like he is asking all the "right" questions, and what if this, and what if that, and what guarantees, etc. But it also seems he's game..

So in the middle of it all, I hear a sentence that was going to make me laugh out loud.

Girl: so, f aswa2 el zoroof, you will have 10 contacts.

Guy: tayeb, howa fee aswa2 men aswa2 el zoroof?

Girl: Enta motasha2em bardo?

I thought they called it aswa2 el zoroof for a reason..

a quote from today

It is easy to be a hater.
Go for the difficult task: be a lover

Paper Dreams escaping Surreality

stolen thoughts

"The sense of unhappiness is so much easier to convey than that of happiness. In misery we seem aware of our own existence, even though it may be in the form of a monstrous egotism: this pain of mine is individual, this nerve that winces belong to me and to no other. But happiness annihilates us: we lose our identity."

~ Graham Greene, The End of the Affair

a quote from today

We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” — Dr. Seuss