of the sveven deadly sins #1

I've been fascinated with the concept of the "seven deadly sins" ever since we studied "An inspector calls" by J.B Priestley middle school. I can't quite remember the details, but it was the first time I was introduced to the concept of the deadly sins. Then of course the movie "Se7en" starring Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman in 1995. I tend to go and read more about the fiction and history of the subject every-once-in-a-while; especially when I feel evil inside. Perhaps just to prove to myself that I'm not that bad after all, or at least not harmful. Anyway, having been in one of these down moods recently, i decided to write a series of short stories, one about each sin. Naturally, being me, these will be modern relationships stories, not those of the "if you go this way, you'll end up that way". here's the first... She knows she is supposed to be happy; they just won the big case they've been working on the last six months. As the team goes out to dinner to celebrate victory, her mind wanders off to recall the last 6 beautiful weeks in Paris. Day and night with him, yes working, but with him. Getting closer, more comfortable with each other , he has become a necessity in her life but he doesn't realize it- she hopes- which is good. No matter what her feelings are , a relationship between them is a risk, and risks are out of the question. She keeps reminding herself all the time; he's 3 years her junior and that, on its own, is taboo enough back home. He's her mentor and that is not likely to change for the next few years in the firm. Not only that, but he's also the youngest son of the most influential partner in the firm, his dad, uncles and brothers run the biggest law firm in the region. So it's not just her job in this firm, it's her entire career. He interrupts her thoughts, "where are you?" She looks at him shyly and says, "Sorry, I got lost in my thoughts", but she would have liked to say ,"umm, thinking of you, as usual". "Well I don't blame you.", he jokes, "It's really boring having to sit with those lawyers as old as your grandpa." "Be kind to the elderly, kiddo", she teases, but she just has to bring the age thing up everytime to remind herself "You keep saying that, and I keep telling you that it's only a couple of years between us both; so don't make a fuss about it, or I'll be forced to use my authority", he teases. "Yes, sir , boss", she jokes thinking how she loves his wicked smile. "I tell you what," his eyes shine, "let's ditch the grandpa's and go do something young and stupid." "Like what, for instance? Neither of us drinks, so bar hopping is out of the question. Neither of us is into dancing, so clubbing isn't much of an option, really. Theaters have to be booked in advance and we actually saw all the movies at least twice. " She jokes, but in reality she would have loved to say, "we can always go to your room and make out, sexy" "Let's just go walking by the Sine. The weather's lovely, and it can't be as boring!" "You can't be serious." "But I am" "What about this dinner? We can't just leave in the middle like that." she hates herself for saying that when she would have loved to go, but she keeps reminding her self, it's her career. "And why not?", he says in a way which she can't really interpret if it's a joke or if he's being serious. "It's just not right. Business Etiquette." "You always play it safe, huh?" he gives up She smiles. After a long hour of empty conversations and social obligations, dinner is over and everyone waits to get in taxis to leave. "Come 'on, let's go walking", he suggests again "I'm too tired and it's almost midnight." but inside her she would have loved to go, moonlight, Paris, midnight , with him.. what a dream come true.. but she doesn't want to get too emotional and blow up her calm professional appearance, just a night before they leave. "Hey.. you promised" "I did no such thing" "Come' on lazy.. It's our last night in Paris. I'm using my authority as your mentor and supervisor to force you to walk with me", he teases, as usual. She gives him the childish pissed off look, "okay" They walk, not saying anything for a while. The silence is killing her, but she remains silent, afraid of what she might say. Time moved so slowly, and it might have been minutes before he spoke, but to her it was hours of anticipation. "So you always play it safe?"he says casually as they continue walking, not bothering to even look at her. "what happened to , it's a beautiful night! As an icebreaker"she thinks to herself , but steadily looking at the beautiful Paris she replies. "Yes, always" "Never take any risks?" "Not that I recall" He looks her straight in the eyes and asks "Not even with you heart?" Her heart starts beating faster, feeling him stare in her with his piercing eyes and uncover what she's trying hard to hide; but with a cool smile, she looks briefly to his eyes and says "not even that". He smiles and lets go of his look. She almost sighs but holds herself still. "What game are you playing?", she wonders. More silence. They walk by the Seine until they reach a spot viewing the Notre Dame where he says, "I always favored this spot" "Then let's sit for a while. I need to rest my legs anyway." She lifts herself to sit on the concrete walls that everyone uses as seats overlooking the river, trying to avoid looking in his eyes. He stands right behind her, that she can feel his breath near her skin. "You like me, don't you?" he asks, as he lights his cigarette and puts it in his mouth "Where did that come from?! And why so direct!? Self , be still, we'll smart-talk ourselves out of this one", she thinks to herself but replied with a shocking confidence, "You're my mentor. Of course I do." He chuckled and said, "Of course! But you hold no special feelings for me?" Her heart beating faster, "but I do. Everyone in the firm does." She somehow knew he was enjoying this, game of verbal chess but she was too tense. "And do you think I'm attractive?" "Of course I do. Don't you?", she replies to him but thinks "what the hell did I just say! I'm putting myself in a stupid corner here." "Of course you do?!" he asks in amazement then continues "don't I think I'm attractive or don't I think you're attractive?" "Shit!", she thinks but says "I don't know!" then she thinks "shit shit shit.I don't know. Stupid" "You either have no heart or have no shame!" He replies coolly. "I have a little of both actually" She pauses for a second then says, "It's getting warm, right? I need to take of my jacket" She expected him to move a bit so she can take her jacket off, but instead , he puts his hands on her shoulders from behind, then slowly grabs the collar of the jacket and slowly slides it off. "This is so not going well", she thinks to herself, trying hard not to show any emotions or physical responses. And as he puts the jacket beside her he says, "My oh my. One shoulder top" he laughs, "that's not very safe, is it?!" While struggling to steady her heart from beating faster, she intentionally breathes long breaths but she exhales out by mistake, one breath that he could hear and he's there standing close , seeing, feeling , absorbing her.. touching her?! "Touching me? Is it real or is my mind playing tricks ?" His fingers are actually very softly touching her bare shoulder. "You know what you remind me of?" he asks. "No" , she replies, getting more tense and he touches her. "You remind me of the Netherlands in spring" "I've never been to Netherlands before" "Well. You know all the flowers that we buy back home are imported from the Netherlands." She nods but says nothing "So imagine, a bouquet of flowers, with the beauty of the tulips and the amazing aroma of the roses. Now think about it, those flowers back home, have been cut prematurely , tossed savagely and brought to us, loosing most of their beauty and aroma. Now imagine a flower growing to its full beauty, in a beautiful weather , no pollution, so its sweet captivating aroma grows to its strongest. Can you imagine that?" he asks as he runs his fingers through her hair. She tries to stay still, not to shiver, not to show him that she has fallen to his spell; his words put her in a trance and his perfume with a hint of apples, cinnamon mixed with his tobacco set her heart on fire. "why does he have to be so sexy? Why stand so close? and why the hair, my weak spot? Why oh why? " She smiles politely and says, "Yes, it must be wonderful" He continues, "Now imagine millions of these flowers, of ever shape and color. Imagine these flowers in spacious gardens , designed and trimmed to make the most spectacular view. Like a Monet painting." She feels his breath getting closer on her skin , then he inhales and says, "And you smell like it too. See in spring time, when the sun is shining strong enough for the flowers to grow but not that strong that it burns their sweet petals," and he starts messaging her shoulder, passionately," the rain is falling just barely for the aroma to liquidate, and add a little breeze of air just enough for the liquid aroma to spread and fill the air... That very moment, is the smell of you." "Oh God! Self, don't shiver, don't let it show."she thinks to herself, but she shivers, she always does when she gets this.. umm.. nervous feeling. "You're shivering, are you cold?" he asked "umm, let's continue walking" she suggested, turning away from the river and stepping down to the floor, but he didn't move. He stands there in front of her, not moving. She tries to take on step to the side but she slips and almost falls. But he catches her and supports her up, with his hand on her waist, yet does not move. "Why are you so nervous?", he asks. "I'm not." "You're a terrible liar" , he says as he moves closer. "I know", she says , blushing. He moves his arms behind her back , moving his face closer to hers and engages her in a long, passionate kiss. She can't tell if it has been seconds, minutes or hours later, because she was lost in emotions but she felt him touch her chin, pushing her face up gently, till her eyes meet his, and then whispers "I love you". Blushing, she buries her face in his shoulders, holds him tight and says... And this ladies and gentlemen, is my episode on LUST

of the seven deadly sin: sloth

Oh my darling, how I wish you were here now , after the day I had. You couldn't possibly imagine how your absence is affecting me. My life is lifeless and shallow without you. Oh , darling, how I miss you so! You've been away for quite sometime now and I am counting the days, hours and minutes till you return. I waste my time through night and day waiting and waiting. And I wonder, is there a one percent chance that you feel the same way I do? My darling, be sure that I am not greedy nor selfish. I love you just the way you are. I love you knowing that you no longer feel the same way for me. I love you knowing that all I can be , is just a tiny insignificant detail in your life. But, darling , it's fine, really! I never expected and never will expect anything in return. I might appear too crazy to my friends; but, the way I see it, is that love is the ultimate goal. To love you, is enough for me. To see you happy, makes my day. To have you to think about, fills my time. To wake up thinking what to wear to look my best to see you, is what actually gets me out of bed every morning. Oh how much I miss you. Every day , I'd, where I wonder; could I have , perhaps once, even for a split of a second, have crossed you mind? And if I were to cross your mind, what difference would it make? You and I , just like night and day, are at two opposite ends of the world. I know that! I know that this is how things are meant to be. But right now, I don't care. All I care about is how much love you! All I do is daydream of you! This ladies and gentlemen was sloth,one of the seven deadly sins! For sloth does not only mean laziness; it also means sadness and apathy! Hope you enjoy!

atribute to all the losers up there

five or six years ago I had many groups of friends, each with their own mindset, sense of style, definition of what's cool and what's not, what's wrong and what's right, what is fun..etc. I used to try so hard to belong to each of these groups , to fit in only to realize that I was just a little bit different. Yes, they are all my friends. Yes , I have a lot in common with them. But there was just something missing. I always felt like something was missing, no one understood what I felt, what I want ...etc. I made it a point to prove I was different than everyone I met. after those five or six years, I had less groups of friends, again, each with their own everything. I refused to admit I belonged to any particular one, but naturally, I found myself at ease with everyone. I believed in the concept of "one", that we are all the same, no matter how much we claimed otherwise. I made it a point whenever people would say that I was every other person. When people would say that I changed, or that I was so unique, I'd argue so hard to prove that no, I'm not, I'm just like you... whoever you are, whatever you are. And I was comfortable with this belief for a while. Then a while after, when I started to doubt and re-question everything. I questioned my own self.. was I the same as everyone else or was I unique and different. Then I came to the comfortable realization that "I am unique, so is everyone else", which although satisfying as a theory, doesn't really work in real life, because we all struggle to belong somewhere.. anywhere.

trapped

its like when you are in a room and you can't open the window. the problem is there's no window, and every day the room gets a bit smaller around you, but in a very slow way that you don't notice it happening, it gets smaller by inches. then one day you wake up and you can't stand up, then you can't move, then you can't breathe because there's not enough air left.. and at this moment you can't think of anything or anyone but yourself, and how to get yourself out of here,how to have enough air to breathe. p.s i was taking about myself and how it has been for me for almost a year now..!!

Memory persistence

the fact i discovered: time changes nothing, i've been relying in a phrase that has been repeatedly said over and over through the years that says "time/life goes on" reminding myself that i'll forget with time, that somehow my memories, feelings, pain will someday vanish, but what i found is that time and life has stood still since he somehow find the guts to stay away from me, to cut me out of his life.. you know whats the saddest thing about it is that things between us has come to this level. and the only phrase for him that's consistently in my mind now, the only phrase that's hunting me is "when somebody gets into your heart if he/she came out he/she come out with flesh and blood" look who's blood is in your hand's now..

i'm thankfull for these things

p.s don't get used to this "sunshine mood" Rehab city and my key, makes me feel I've a place to turn to whenever i can't find my way. the smell of coffee Breakfasts, coffees, lunches and phone calls with special people who don't need small talk. dear people whom I would tell "call you back" and then call them back a week later. friends who would listen to me going on and on and on about useless blah blah blahs and they still would have the decency to not bang my head (or theirs) against the wall in despair! a father who compares me to Israel whenever I try to act friendly with him (and end up taking his space and sharing his food!) a father (the same man) who would say that an age difference of 20 yrs is not much between spouses, but would immediately yell at me when I say, so it is OK for me to marry a guy in his late-40s. a mother who would understand when I tell her that as a child I used to wonder why my father married HER, as a teenager I used to wonder why SHE married him, and as an adult, I understand and I hope to have what she had. believing in a God who treats/judges us "bema howa ahloh" not "bema na7no ahloh". having been loved by people throughout my life, not so much so that one person would kill himself for me, but enough that ALL the people who love(d) me combined would sacrifice maybe a small chicken or something for me. Well, maybe just a pigeon, or a frog. Something! having special people in my life who understand (and hate) my attachments, detachments, and general commitment phobia. being able to remember names, faces, and events that I only know through the cyber space (thank you Facebook, Blogger, and Twitter), even if it gives me a creepy, stalker-ish edge! feeling that life is both over- and under- rated. having A.S may he be resting in peace as a mentor/friend who brought me to tears with anger, intensity, and happiness at different points over the years.. who called me a drunk Sufi sometimes and 3abla Kamel other times.. who made me see how scared I am of people having expectations from me, and who made me look for answers and patterns, and helped me understanding that the "dog crossed the road" just because the dog crossed the road.

1/12/2009

I was born to catch dragons in their dens And pick flowers To tell tales and laugh away the morning To drift and dream like a lazy stream And walk barefoot across sunshine days. - James Kavanaugh