random thoughts about goodbyes

i am a girl who is permanently feeling insecure, who gets worried for anything and about everything

i am someone with abandoning issues

but most of all i am a girl who doesn't do goodbyes, i never see someone off, i never totally break up or end my relation with anybody, theres always a half closed door, a window somewhere for entering back

i hate goodbyes and i don't do them and even if i wanted i don't know how..

isn't goodbye the saddest word that anybody can hear, i mean its a powerful word like goodbye here i said it i won't be around any more, i said goodbye so i won't hold you again..i said goodbye so all my promises is automatically broken.

i hate goodbyes

about broken dreams and unfulfilled promises...

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

~ Dido, "Life for Rent"

So, it all starts at "I have no idea what's happened to that dream".. and i keep thinking what happened to a lot of dreams i had... i always wanted to travel abroad (to London and Paris)   for work or study for a year or two.. 
i wanted to take up the academic career path (still not late for that)..
 hmmmm i wanted to maintain a healthy lifestyle (sleep early, wake up early, walk a lot, eat healthy, see a lot of fresh air.. i do all these but the eat healthy one, its not that i don't like healthy food but its that i eat healthy _and_ unhealthy :))
so, the title of this post refers to this.. to all the what if's in my life.. 
all the other options and how my life would've been similar/different...

stupid morning

stupid Saturday summer morning..morning breathe came carrying your stupid smell and the smell of your stupid morning coffee and the sound of your stupid morning music..

Unnamed/Untamed feelings

recently, and by recently i mean for 5 or 7 month, i feel the slightest hints of the weirdest feelings.. you know.. like when something can just make you gloomy.. or you can feel your heart contract for a split second from the weirdest of events.. I thought i grew out of this phase.. apparently not.. 

I am very stressed out because of work.. 

i feel like my world is foggy.... but that shouldn't be it... i don't know.. 

maybe i shouldnt have written that down when am in this state.. i'd rather blog some lyrics that say it all... (but i won't :))

La fatalite... though

I promise to give what is to Caesar to Caesar, what is to God to God...

i promise to be a background musical theme...
Don't know when it will fade out though, to be replaced by a main theme...

I promise to divert from my route, with the intention of joining back my path...
Don't know whether life's tenderness will bring back the two ends together soon or late though...

I promise I won't regret anything... I don't do regrets... at least Not anymore...
I don't know whether there would be things worth regretting though...


I promise what I have in hand...
But I don't promise on behalf of destiny... 

lights at night

Did you ever  notice lights at night? 
What is about lights? 
While strolling in the night time, watching the lights surrounding you.
 The hazy yellow light from a distance street lamp, dull white light from a near by shop, the head light and tail light of a passing by cars. Some funky bikes have fancy colored led lights, bright blue, green, red blinking together.
 Then the faithful traffic lights, mercury lamps, stadium lights, lights, lights and more lights.

One of the interesting facts about these lights is the way they kindle one's past life.
 Some of the lights brings me strange feelings inside me. 
They transport to a distance past, to a distance place.
 A place where i had been on a night, where there was a similar light glowing as a witness.
 A dim light from a distance carries a dimness, sadness of its own - just as a dying star emitting out its last portion of energy.
ok, let me save (deeply in my mind)  before the lights goes off due to frequent power cuts.


BTW did i ever mentioned that being a lone at a street at night is one of my life nightmares/ fobia

(the) june the first

somehow i feel my day was awful and miserable and now am feeling the
same and having this urge to cry
i feel lonely
the answer to your question "why i mailed him"
i guess because sometimes when you see yourself having no present to
talk about, no future to make your loved ones/ friends share it with
you, you tend to dig up the past to prove to yourself and to those people in your present that
you once were loved, that your life wasn't always dry and empty.!!

being what i am a person who hate my past and everything in it, a
person who's allergic to memories i must say at the end of the day i
find myself/what i did today (mailing him) pathetic. 
thats the word i
was trying to find all day.