definitions 9

Relationship: we get together, you hurt me, and then its bad.

fuzzy thoughts

poor , naive, silly me still manages to imagine corny stuff. How many times do I need to break my own heart to get past it! After not being able to be with any guy for so long, I thought I was past all the fluff and into the hardcore part. I thought I didnt care about the long walks, the whole day togeathe, the lunches and the nightly phone calls till the break of dawn. I honestly thought so. But it shocked me that a part of me is still looking for this stuff. Well, a nice kind of shock, I proved I am human, not made of stone. (though on second thoughts, I would have rather been made of stone than break my heart one more time. That's a different story for a different day). It's nice to have oneself spoiled by someone, even if this spoiling is just in one's head, no?

cursed

Let the show go on and on Let your hell burn me alone Let me die here on my own Let my blood be your wine I’m all yours, but you’re not mine Life is perfect, life is fine Let your curse be my life I’m the slain and you’re my knife Be my widow, not my life Let me get back to my world to The Resting place of a restless love slave

note to self

I don’t believe in what I say Nor in what’s written on my resume I’m just trying to find myself A nice place in hell like everyone else I can’t believe this is really me Another image of hypocrisy There’s no choice, i gotta go that way And hope that life would smile some day Everything and everyone are getting worse This ain’t my life, this is my curse Yet I’m still going down & down guess They lied when they said hell is under ground Damn you people and damn this land if that's life then Death please come and lend me a hand..

God forbid it might lead to dancing

Disclaimer: This theory is not entirely about me or the other, for that alone would not make a "theory". It is more or less a collection of learning's. A (quite long) Preamble There is an old joke I read while in my first year in university.. back then when I read it, it was about Jews, and then later on I found out the same joke is told about baptists, Muslims, etc. It doesn't make fun of the religions themselves as much as of our -sometimes narrow-minded- interpretations of the learning's. So to cut it short, the story goes that there was a couple who were preparing for their marriage, and they're meeting with the rabbi.. he goes on to explain how it's forbidden that men and women dance together in the ceremony, and then -going into more intimate details- they ask him about allowed sex positions, so they keep asking and he says yes it's allowed, and then the husband asks "how about doing it when standing?", to which the rabbi replies "OF COURSE NOT! THAT COULD LEAD TO DANCING!" This joke has stuck with me ever since as an example of our contradictory double messages, and so whenever a situation calls for it, I find me saying to myself, "Oh but of course not, it could lead to dancing" The Relationship Dilemma So, the relationship dilemma here starts actually AFTER there is no relation. In that hazy crazy phase when you're not together but you're not exactly not together either, because one (or both) parties of the relationship still harbors feelings and doubts. So you are in a phase where you are still deciding how to define the boundaries of the relationship and what should/shouldn't happen under this new status, which is not an easy task at all... And amongst all this, you find the weirdest requests and awkwardest moments between these two used-to-be lovers, wanna-be friends. Can we flirt casually, can we go out to dinners/coffees, can I call him, is it okay if he calls me late... etc etc.. Now I am not here to judge or be judged.. It is up to one entirely to define the boundaries they accept or demand for such a relation, and it is more or less a function of how you deal with friends of the opposite sex AND also how your relation with this ex was like... So, again, no judging here.. However, the dating dilemma I am referring to starts when one of the two parties decides that they know what's better for the other (i.e. moving on), but at the same time they don't totally let go.. And you find yourself oscillating between wanting to let go yet feeling "trapped" in the relation (even if you're the one trapping yourself!).. and the one party who wants to stay knows that the one party more inclined to let go is ready to move on, just waiting for the right time or the right signal.. and then you find the weirdest behaviors coming up from you or the other, defining what should and should not be done under the context of the new connection. And it never makes any sense, so I would ask him to lunch but I would not go movies with him, because that would look like dating, and he would hug me, but he wouldn't call me when I am upset, because that would send me the wrong signal.. and so on.. So what is the solution to this? Should all breakups be done "cold turkey" as they say? or should we just "man up" to our decisions and do what our feelings/brains/impulses/morals (or whatever dictates your behavior) tells us to do? So, I can flirt with you, I can talk to you, you can joke liberally with me, we can go out, and who knows maybe we'd even make out.... ...But be careful not to do it standing, because -God forbid- it might lead to dancing!

FOR THE BUTTERFLIE

I apologize For being unable To read those letters I apologize For breaking all the rules Ignoring all the signs For deliberately refusing To realize That I am just another one Of "these girls" Who gather, who get closer Then get burn with fire Like butterflies Was it a dream? I don't know If it was so It would have been A dream that grew By feeding on mere lies A fantasy That brought me back to life That gave me a thousand souls Sent me to a thousand skies Even though it was a lie That came in a gigantic size And I don't regret Being left in the dark With nothing but my scars I don't regret being called The girl who always cries And I won't forget The hope that blinked For only a few moments Like a shooting star Just before it dies Once again, I apologize They gather, they get closer Then burn in your fire Like butterflies .....

darker shade of black

Not very long ago, I used to know him And now I know he's back Maybe older, maybe wiser but With a darker shade of black * * * I'm his sleepless nights For no apparent reason I'm his endless fights Between faithfulness and treason I'm his depressive words That scare the girls away Like useless chirping birds In the dawn of a new day I'm his false high hopes Of words written in vain I'm everything he wrote Causing nothing but pain I'm his tired eyes Waiting for the tears of rain And his stupid goodbyes that he never says I'm his funny looks And words that make me smile Sitting between his web world Hidden behind a pile I'm his betraying heart That never wants to learn From the battles that start And end in a bleeding burn I'm his few nightmares And fewer happy dreams And his long empty stares At nothing as it seems I'm his eternal gaze At the facts of hateful life And his long walks in the maze Explaining the word "strife" I'm his unborn child That he will never see Even though he's still convinced That all is meant to be I'm his endless story Of a heart with a broken man With no blood and no glory So forget me if you can