Let me start off by stating a fact: I am not a good person. I am not terrible, neither am I aware of all my shortcomings. But again: I am not a good person. I know you're not surprised to hear this. Neither the fact itself, nor me admitting it.. If anything, noone ever accused me of being conceited (and I've been accused of a LOT other stuff!) "I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic —in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself." ~ Anaïs Nin As Anaïs Nin puts it, I do not feel the need to adjust myself to the world, I am adjusted to myself.. Neither do I feel a need to re-adjust the world to me, as a self-centered control freak would do. I am both all-knowing AND ignorant about who I am.. but that's again a part of me. This is me, can you handle it? I always feel there was more I would've done.. About almost anything in life.. and you know what? chances are, there was more i would've done, and i didn't do it, but it had to stop somewhere.. Almost but not quite.. always, always.. A sadist, masochist, racist, or whatever you may call me.. I am not interested in names and labels anymore.. And -maybe to your surprise- I am not interested in analyzing anymore.. I am interested in just "being", if it makes any sense to you. So, again, this is me. Can you handle it? I can be an asshole of the grandest kind I can withhold like it's going out of style I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone Who is as negative as I am sometimes I am the wisest woman you've ever met. I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected. I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen And you've never met anyone Who's as positive as I am sometimes. You see everything, you see every part You see all my light and you love my dark You dig everything of which I'm ashamed There's not anything to which you can't relate And you're still here ..and yet, this is me, can you handle it? Then I will get all emotional, and I will start by saying a couple of "confessions" as I call them.. and they will always be in the form of: Do you know something? when I did *insert stupid action here*, I didn't really want to do it.. In fact, I did it JUST because I thought you would like it.. ..and you will think (and probably say) something along the lines of "and don't u have any brains and/or personality of your own to judge".. and I will think (and definitely say) something along the lines of "I do! but i just thought...." And so I will feel bad for my confessions, and I will go all analytical on you and me and it and us and them, and why and when and what if and all this jazz.. and you will be patient and impatient and cynical and serious and bored and offensive and defensive.. and I will tell you "momken 2a2ol 7aga'" and you will ask me to go on, and I will say I forgot.. because the only way I can talk with you is in drifting thoughts.. as far as I have the points I want to discuss written down so as not to drift (I did, and it worked, too little too late though) and if you read this far, you know this is me.. Can you handle it?
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