a little conversation with myself

p.s I apologize for this exhausting-to-read post. Feel free to ignore it, it's just another brain dump, to free some brain cells for some positive thinking! Older, not wiser, just older. I feel thirty something, I'm not even twenty eight yet, well, will be in a couple of months anyway. بس مش دى المشكلة دلوقتى . saso, you gained experience, you're smarted, stronger and more settled in what you want in life. yes, I'm tired, exhausted and still as lost and clueless. و بعدين انا مش فهمه , فين المشكلة بالضبط؟ You passed through many different types of shit, and you came out strong, why break down now? هو حد جيه جنبك؟ I'm reallytired, stronger على عينى و راسى. بس كل مرة a small un-recoverable part of my is broken; Yes, I do move on, but I leave a layer of me behind. I don't know how many layers I lost.. I don't know how many remain, but I feel like I lost more than I should, and that all is left is a ghost of what used to be saso بتاعة زمان ghost ايه و نيلة اية? يوه بئه لا و الله بجد.. I feel this weird emptiness. I try to fill my time to give some meaning to my existence. Ya3ni people come and ask me "what do you do?", and I say I am working all day, I write sometimes, I read a lot, I like music, movies, art and culture, I go to the gym, sometimes spend time with friends and read Quraan, religion among other things. But all that, still , doesn't define what I do or who I am. ياااااا بتجيبى وقت لكل ده منين اصلا !! طب تصدقى و تأمنى بالله لا اله الا الله يا سدتى I have so much time on my hands that it suffocates me. You know The Scream by Edvard Munch; that was me, in the picture, screaming my lungs out. Not that anyone else can hear me of course طاب فيه ايه؟ I don't really know.. I can think of the following words; big, strong, violent and fast. Big plans? Violent change? Fast life? A big strong punching bag which I can beat violently , and I want it fast? A strong drink or drug, that makes me happy fast? A big , strong dude who sweeps me off my feet fast and makes me fall in love violently? Like that exists! (PS, that was just used such that these combination of words are not used in other sentences making your mind wonder) Fast car ride in the big dessert! Strong wind in my hair! Violet waves crushing on the shore! مش عارفة بقى!.. I cant think of the full sentence , just like when you're stuck in a loop trying to remember the lyrics to your favorite song. Or trying to remember the day your heart got broken when all you could remember was your first date! ليه بس كده يا بنتى بس؟ Why violence? Why strength, speed? And why the hell big? Why not a simple quite life زي باقى الناس? ولا انت هاتفضلى دايما كدة تعبانى معاكى? ما هو بجد بقى موضوع باقى الناس هو الى جايبنى وره Right now, i'm leading a simple and quite life.. and i'm boring myself to death. The only thing that needs to be quite a bit is my tongue; I talk too much, much more than any average person would. I'm always in trouble because of it. But still, this isn't it. طب انت عايزة ايه بس, ربنا يهديك؟ I wish my brain would be quite.. not talking what's on your mind is relatively easy (for most normal people), but the hard part, is not having something on your mind, so you resist saying it. Imagine that.. saso has nothing to say.. that will be the day walahi! لا والله بجد Consider something happening, big, strong, violent and fast enough, that will leave me quite... not only quite from the outside, but really quite, from inside...