just a question

Have you ever wondered what hurts the most Falling apart because you're alone or being alone because you're falling apart??!!

posting secrets

yet i am still wondering is it a good or a bad difference i guess only time can tell!!!

posting secrets

an early morning thought

ever noticed that Sometimes old things in your life, mind, heart needs to go away.
 regardless the fact that you may not be able to give it away.
you still have to go rough on your own self so you can have room for other new things to come into your life.
so that you be a living proof that the world never stops for anything or anyone
even if that means you'll be living dead..

note to him, the one who never reads!!

you stayed around because you knew i care for you,
 and i stayed around because i knew you care for me, 
then months of separation went by,
months of not wanting to show care or not caring anymore from both sides, 
yet we stayed around ..me because i had this tiny hope still and because i didn't want to be the one who play bad,
 and you wanted me around for one selfish meaningless reason which is because you're used of having me around, till i got sick and when you knew it was like hearing a news from cnn about someone you never knew..
 no be well phrases, no can i come to check on you, not even a phone call..:(


not that i was waiting for any of these to happen but its just what should normally happen , 
not because its me and you\re you
but because asking about someone whom you know and know to be sick is standard normal behavior..


so it finally hit me its useless and meaningless to be around, to be approachable/reachable
and in a single moment of courage that i took full advantage of because i knew well i'll regret it later 
I BLOCKED YOU
yes i did, 
in every mean of communication that you can communicate with me through or get updates about me from and also to stop stalking your updates as well..
hmm will not all means awi you still have my # but i'm sure you'll never think of call anyway..


its not good or bad, not right or wrong, not sad or joyful its just life :s


so i surrounded myself with high walls, getting back to my shell, and running away because thats the only way to goon and live my life, i'll keep running, keep pretending that nothing happened, that you never existed, till i one day actually believe it..
so please don't mess my plan

its not a quote its a question

"all well in love and ware" ???


would love to get an answer to this question please

شبابيك الدنيا كلها شبابيك

"When God closes a door, He always opens a window" :)
It's a concept that I really love...
and always believe it's a way that shows how our minds are changed, so that our shapes and looks will change consequently...
Lately, I started to believe BLINDLY that ordinary means are not always the best..
and that using WINDOWS ,not doors, to move in or out might be the hidden miracle we're waiting for...
There're no miracles, but it's our choices!!!
This's why I love windows...

do they really see the light or is it a mere representation on a huge wall??

In his genius reformatory philosophical work "The Republic", Plato establishes the grounds for creating a republic in the most "optimum"/perfectionist way (for no other choice of word that popped in my head)... Not a kingdom or an empire, but a republic...

Now i am  a person who enjoys old literature, but i really enjoyed reading The Republic and many of its critique articles even more...

 It amazes you how a book written around 390 years B.C. has so much reform in it, and yet, noone listened...

among other things, he talked about women's education! Actually, he had a plan drawn out for a close-to-perfect education system...

 one that we are currently getting closer to but yet so far..

Anyway, what am about to write now is an idea that possessed me in this book; the allegory of the cave.. An allegory is a story or a representation conveying a meaning deeper and higher than its literal meaning...
Plato's allegory goes that there is a cave with a large wall..

in this cave there is a set of prisoners tied to have their backs to the cave's entrance and are facing the huge wall... behind them,

outside the entrance there is an enormous fire..

 sometimes people and animals pass outside the entrance and between the fire and the cave, thus casting shadows on the wall....

the prisoners -having never seen the outside- mistake these shadows for the real thing..

 the voices of the people outside reflect as echo on the wall,

 and appear to the prisoners to be coming out of the shadows on the wall...

So mainly the prisoners see shadows and hear echoes...

 now imagine a prisoner was released and goes outside...

he would be blinded by the sun (or at night-time by the fire), then as he slowly adjusts to reality, he will start to see things as they are... he will "see the light"..

Having seen the light, it is the free man's duty, even his obligation, to go back to the cave and 'enlighten' his fellow men....

once he goes back to the cave, his eyes will have trouble adjusting to total darkness again, he would have to step into the darkness again to free/enlighten his fellow prisoners....

Only to be faced by resistance from those not wanting to be freed...

those who are happy with the only truth they ever knew: the shadows and the echos...

Do we choose to stay in the dark? do those who think they see the light really see it, or is it a mere representation on a huge wall??


Signing off,
saso.

P.S. check wikipedia's allegory of the cave article..

Definition 12

humans simply can't realize things sometimes,
 issues and/or feelings in the proper time,
destiny has a great impact on us as well.
we are a sophisticated combination of feelings, flesh, blood, experience, soul and heart.
our actions and feelings are conjugated to the most attraction extent.
experience give knowledge of this in a better way.
revenge is evil & conjugated with anger,
punishment is justice and must be rational,
friendship is support and must be with care,
love is peace and is conjugated with happiness,
fantasy is a dream and might be crazy,
trust is the twin of truth.
facts are just facts.
anyway,
forgiveness is a luxury
and
needs leeds feeds.

then she said

"At that moment I know I am half woman, half child.

 That a portion of  me conceals a child who loves to be amazed, to be taught, to be directed. When I listen, I am a child."

and then after I wrote it, I remembered it was quoted before me!


and then more thoughts:

"I feel wind blown. 

I look younger.

 I do not try to be the femme fatale. 

It is useless. I feel loved for myself, for my inner self, for every word I write, for my timidities, my sorrows, my struggles, my defects, my frailness."

then she said:

I love her short sentences.

 Her simple words.

 Her lack of pretension.. 

I love her intensity, and it scares me at the same time..

 It scares me how she handles this intensity.. 

yet she is not to be called promiscuous.

 But she is, isn't she? Her intensity also carries immaturity.. emotional immaturity.. inability to cut the cord.. insecurity.. needs to be reminded of how much she is loved and how much she loves..

be ok

When you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love.

 You have to just be OK with yourself-and that's a long process!!

"Good Day" jewel

I say to myself
Self, why are you awake again? It's one a.m.
Standing with the fridge wide open, staring
Such a sight, florescent light
The stars are bright
Might make a wish, if I believed in that shit but
As it is, I might watch TV
Cause it's nice to see people more messed up than me
I say to myself, as I smile at the wall, just let myself fall

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be alright, cause I'm alright with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gotta be

I shiver, shut the door
Can't think standing here no more
I'm alone, my mind's racing, heart breaking
Can you be everything I need you to be?
Can you protect me like a daughter?
Can you love me like a father?
Can you drink me like water?
Say I'm like the desert, Just Way Hotter.

The point of it all
Is that if I should fall
Still you're name I'll call

It's gonna be all right, no matter what they say
It's gonna be a good day, just wait and see
It's gonna be OK, cause I'm OK with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be

As long as we laugh out loud
Laugh like we're mad
Cause this crazy, mixed up beauty is all that we have
Because what's love but an itch we can't scratch, a joke we can't catch
God, but still we laugh

Get back in bed, turn off the TV
You say "It'll be alright baby, just wait and see."

It's gonna be all right, it's gonna be okay
It's gonna be all right, just wait and see
Its gonna be all right, no matter what they say
Its gonna be a good day, just wait, just see
It's gonna be okay, cause I'm okay with me
It's gonna be, it's gonna be, it's gonna be okay...
Uh oh, I'm awake again
It's one A.M.
Staring
Such a sight
Well, at least the stars are bright 

sharing something with you

A while back I decided that; I am ,and must always be, a happy person.

 Naturally, this is easier said than done. 

You face the weirdest situations in life and you feel so close to giving in and becoming sad, but I decided no!

Old saso, would have wrote down in the post why she hates the world around her.. the new saso, will share with you Elliah Abo Madi's lovely poem

أيهذا الشاكي

أيهذا الشاكي ، وما بك داء كيف تغدو إذا غدوت عليلا

إن شر الجناة في الأرض نفس تتوقى قبل الرحيل الرحيلا

وترى الشوك في الورود وتغمى أن ترى فوقها الندى إكليلا

هو عب‏ء على الحياة ثقيل من يظن الحياة عب‏ء ثقيلا

والذي نفسه بغير جمال لا يرى في الحياة شيئا جميلا

فتمتع بالصبح ما دمت فيه لا تخف أن يزول حتى يزولا

أيهذا الشاكي وما بك داء كن جميلا ترى الوجود جميلا

إيليا أبو ماض

note to him

Every time I see you or talk to you, I automatically go back to hoping and believing that we still have a chance to be together forever the way both want, so if it isn't true then lets end it now once and for all because I can't keep doing this to myself! 

stolen thought, or you may call it a quote from stardust

 a short story on the irony of life
"A fieldmouse found a fallen hazelnut and began to bite into the hard shell of the nut with its sharp, ever-growing front teeth, 
not because it was hungry but because it was a prince under an enchantment who not regain his outer form until he chewed the Nut of Wisdom.
 But its excitement made it careless , and only the shadow that blotted out the moonlight warned it of the descent of a huge grey owl , who caught the mouse in its sharp talons and rose again into the night. ....... 
herself under a curse, and only able to resume her rightful shape if she consumed a mouse who had eaten the Nut of Wisdom, or perhaps a small bear."

A quote on my favorite topic ever; time
"Tristane and Yvaine were happy together. Not foreverafter, for Time, the thief, eventually takes all things into his dusty storehouse, but they were happy, as these things go, for a long while."

to the dear cleaning lady

When I am in the toilet, please please please refrain from spraying your cheap brand lemon-scented air freshner all around me.

For one, it freaking makes me sneeze.. you should've noticed that by now

For two, you can really wait a minute until I leave, can't you? What kind of message are you implying? That I am smelly?

For three, you're the one with the freakin BO. If you can figure out that a toilet needs freshening up, I am sure you can figure that out about yourself too..


Smell you later,
Cranky Mean Disturbed Sneezing Me

Inexplicable phobia

I've been having this inexplicable phobia which started a couple of days ago when i saw a gecko in our staircase. 
I'm checking out every ceiling or wall before I enter buildings or rooms in fear that one day , I will enter a room and see a bors (yes i prefer to use bors than gecko).
 Having seen that bors, I will shiver or something, which will scare the bors which will then will have a heart attack and die, falling over my head!

Weird, but , really, that's the only thing I can blog about now.
 Bor-es with a heart-attack over my head!

me and romantic comedies

i guess by now you all know how much i love romantic comedies ,and movies with a deep, true stories in general
in today's  post i decided to do a three in one post

1.  tells you about my favoriet romantic comedies
2.  share was you my favorite scenes from it that somehow relates to me or to my life in away or another
3.  share some other people quotes or as i call it "stolen thoughts"

here they are in  random order:


Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
from it "Come back and make up a goodbye at least. Let's pretend we had one."


Before Sunset (2004)
from it "You were, for me, that night / Everything I always dreamt of in life."


Amélie (2001)
from it "A surge of love, an urge to help mankind overcomes her."


Wall-E (2008)
from it "Computer: define dancing."


High Fidelity (2000)
from it "Did i listen to pop music because I was miserable?
Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"


Punch-Drunk Love (2002)
from it "I'm lookin' at your face and I just wanna smash it...you're so pretty."


Sideways (2004)
from it "I like to think about the life of wine. How it's a living thing..."


Knocked Up (2007)
from it "You're prettier than I am."


Juno (2007)
from it "I don't really know what kind of girl I am."


About a Boy (2002)
from it "No man is an island"


Waitress (2007)
from it "I don't want you to save me. Don't need to be saved."


The Science of Sleep (2006)
from it "You could sleep with the entire planet and still feel rejected."


Ghost Town (2008)
from it "It hurts when I smile..."


Bridget Jones's Diary (2001)
from it "I'm still looking for something...more extraordinary than that."


The 40 Year-Old Virgin (2005)
from it "Is it true if you don't use it, you lose it?"


Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008)
from it "Only unfulfilled love can be romantic."


Lars and the Real Girl (2007)
from it "Sometimes I get so lonely I forget what day it is..."

my 10th of jan speech

مسا التماسى
تماسى
يا أغرب ورد قاعد على أعجب كراسى

كراسى
بمناسبة هذه الليلة السعيدة
سعيدة
كاتبتلكم شوية اى كلام جديدة
جديدة
بامسى على كل الموجودين
موجودين
الى قاعدين والى واقفين
واقفين
و الى فاهمين و الى مش فاهمين
فاهمين
بامسى عليكم كلكم علشان انتوا ناس طيبين
طيبين
الى يحبنى احبه
احبه
والى يكرهنى انكد عليه عيشته
عيشته
والى يدلعنى اشيله فى عينية
عينية
والى يغلس عليا اتنطط عليه تنطيط
تنطيط
طب و النعمة انتوا ناس جدعان
جدعان
مدلعينى و مظبطنى أخر تظبيط
تظبيط
ناس ولاد ناس
ناس
متفتحين و مثقفين
مثقفين
و كل يوم معاكم كان عيد
عيد
و خلاصة الكلام
كلام
بقولها و كلى تقدير و احترام

احترام

بحبكم علشان انتوا تمام
و دقى يا مزيكا

my 10th of jan speach

On my mind is one phrase that keeps going on and on and on: ".. for who else would make the journey".. It's part of a sentence keda.. hmmm i dont know.. very meaningful in context. 

======
 But, I can now remember the complete sentence from which I quoted, and it goes like this: "if you find me here, I know you care, for who else would make the journey..."


Only now does it make that much sense, when it changed its purpose..

So, find me.

Following my Fish

Am trying to float.. its not always easy but am learning..

Just let it pass you by, every single time.. "eventually" someone will catch the drift and make it all right again..

I'm exercising my willpower a LOT lately!

Worth Contemplation

"If there's an upside to free falling, it's the chance you give your friends to catch you."
Grey's Anatomy

i'm Odd

My head begins to jingle

Most ev'ry time I nod
obviously, quite obviously I'm odd

Each Christmas I go fishing
to catch a Christmas cod
cause obviously, quite obviously, I'm odd

When I was just a kitten,
they'd said I'd be a gem
But now that I'm a Cheshire Cat
It's odd how odd I am

I own a feather pillow
but I slumber on the sod
cause obviously, quite obviously I'm odd

When I was just a kitten,
they'd said I'd be a gem
But now that I'm a cheshire cat
It's odd how odd I am

Most cat's have handsome whiskers
But me, I've got a beard
cause obviously, quite obviously I'm wierd


~ a deleted song from Disney's Alice in Wonderland

Where the Sidewalk Ends

Where the Sidewalk Ends  is one of my childhood books :) its  a collection of children's poetry written and illustrated by Shel Silverstein. The book's poems address many common childhood concerns and also presents purely fanciful stories.and today i introduce you to one of my all time favorite poems... yes i still like the things i liked when i was seven years old even though i am 27 now :$

here it is:

There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.

Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.

Yes we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends.


~Shel Silverstein~

i carry your heart with me

this poem was my valentine's  gift to a certain him once upon a time
still its one of my favorites , it happens to be in my mind today so i thought i can share it  here, maybe you have someone to share it with!!

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


~ E. E. Cummings~

stolen thought, or you may call it a quote

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”

~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

postsecret

I am getting addicted to PostSecret and i hate that its only updated once weekly.. 
there is a certain rush about reading other ppl's secrets.. 
secrets they've probably never confessed before, secrets that i sometimes relate to..
 it also lets me think about my own secrets if i were to share them.. 
some are stupid and not so serious, the rest.. well, mostly they are about feelings not actions.. 
which is ok.. walla eih?

recently..
 when i run into people outside my circle of work, many comment on my lack of reaction/interaction.. apparently i spend too much energy at work and with my own self, that i have very little left for others.. 
which is cool actually from my own prospective ... 


*probably none will be reading but... 
I feel huge pain when someone  lie openly to me.. well,even if  it was something small, really small, and even if  they weren't like looking me in the eye or anything .. but still.. it feels weirdly uncomfortable.. and knowing me, I would've blurted out that I knew what they said to the others.. annoying.. 
coming from anyone even the office-boy !
but I've done worse.. and if I were to be forgiven, I need to learn to forgive.. which -knowing me- is actually very easy! I've grown out of the emotional blackmail blah blah..


 thats it.. more later or maybe less, b-bye.

بالعربى ;)

كيف ارسم بنزيف جراحى لوحة جديدة؟!

كيف اكتب والكلمة تقتلنى

وتظهرنى  امرأة جريحة

كيف احلم وكلما حلمت حلما

لاح سهما وارداه شهيدا

كيف احيا فى سجون القهر

 واعيش ايامى سعيدة

كيف اشعر فى زمان مات فيه الشعور؟

كيف اعشق حين لا ادرى اهذا عشق

 ام طعنة ستدمى قلبى من جديد

والعجب انى لا اقوى ان اختار

 مابين العشق او الموت

 ارقب ايامى تتلاشى يوما تلو الاخر فى استحياء

لا تبدو فيها الاشياء

تبدو ايامى بيضاء

شاحبة

فيها اسماء

بلا ذكرى

بلا معنى

بلا احساس اواهداف

ان خاننى الاجل

او ضاق منى الزمن

سأقول قضيت ايامى ابيع العمر

وانتظر زمان تحيا فيه الاحلام والامال والبشر

People's Lives

This conversation was overheard yesterday in Starbucks makram ebeed.. 
The group was 2 women, one in her 40s and one in her 70s, and a man in his 70s (older woman's husband). The younger woman doesnt seem to be their daughter but more like a niece or so.. 
the conversation captivated me so much that i started typing what i could catch of it.


Old Woman: di kan esmaha Palmyra, konna bneegi hena neshrab beera.. ma3rafsh ghayaro esmaha leih!

Younger Woman: *laughing* La2 Starbucks di chain kebeera bta3et coffee', di maogood menha f engeltera w fransa w lebnan.. ento maba2etoosh tenzelo.. lazem tenzelo 3ashan te3rafo el donya.. maba2etoosh te3rafo 7aga..

Old Woman: la2 ne3raf menein, kan zaman.. 7atta wala zaman...

Younger Woman: ana 3arfa ento leih 7abseen nafsoko fel beit keda.. seneen mabtenzeloosh..

Old Woman: aslo el sha3b elli 3eshna ma3ah zaman mesh maogood.. kan geddo bta3 7afalat w bridge w keda.. konna lamma nenzel el balad no3od 3and Groppi w neshteri 7agat men west el balad...

Younger Woman: w da emta da? men arbe3een sana? (in an exaggeration tone)

Old Woman: *thinking* aiwa ta2reeban men arbe3een sana.. bass kan 7elw Groppi wel nass kano mo7tarameen...

---- a while later

Old Woman: mesh bey2oolo eskendereya 7ateghra2? eskendereya w port said.. el mayya mortafe3a.. 2areit keda fel gornal el sob7

Unemotional decision

I thought about it over and over again and again and  I made my decision. 

Had it been a normal feature however big, we would have decided its not worth the effort. But wait, why compare it to a feature when its much much more. 

Had it been a  project, that feasibility study would prove it not worthwhile, so we won't bother.

So, I did study all the aspects, examine them closely and took a rational unemotional decision. I don't like life...

I want out.

My decision should neither imply that I'm depressed (although I am, but that's beside the point), nor that I am suicidal (cause I'm not at all). 

I'm just adding 1+1 rationally and unemotionally; I don't like life, I want out!

7adeeth Qudsi

ويح ابن آدم يذنب الذنب فيستغفرني فاغفر له ثم يعود فيستغفرني فاغفر له، ويحه لا هو يترك ذنبه ولا ييأس من رحمتي، أشهدكم يا ملائكتي أني قد غفرت له

Amazing our eternal optimism!

question mark

Why do we say things we can't take back??
and why do we miss what we never had?"

Negative People.

They're like human black holes which suddenly come out of nowhere and just suck the life out of you.
 You try to stay positive and remain strong but their negativity ends up just completely draining you, you feel exhausted, and you may also start to feel depress too.

the rest of cinderella's story by humbled me :)

being one of the people who lost faith in fairy tales and happily ever after stories i was always teased and annoyed by the Cinderella story, it can't and won't happen in reality, so assuming that it did worked with someone in another era, what happen after, may imagination says that:


Cinderella is now 95 years old.
 After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. 
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
 Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. 
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of  the beauty and youth I once had." 

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

 Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.

 With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

 Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.........


"Bet you're sorry you neutered me. "

posting secrets

posting secrets

the seasonal blues

I start with my seasonal blues Every year, around this time of year, mid December to mid February, I get my seasonal blues. I'm not sure why this particular time of the year; might has to do with the amount of terrible things that have occurred in this particular time of year. Maybe with the fact that we place so much hopes on the "new year" and by the end of the year, it's time when we face the fact that another year has gone and we haven't accomplished much. Maybe because because of after the new year Valentine season "the loneliest time of the year" will hit my and knocks my out again, because of the negative co notations that I grew to associate with it. Just maybes.. I can't really tell. Anyway, I usually try not to acknowledge this season, hoping that if I ignore it, the blues will go away. Apparently, they never do. It's a nasty trick that life always plays on me. But , I'm fine.. really, or so I'd like to think. Well anyway, that being said, I move from my seasonal blues to my seasonal greetings... Happy New Year everyone! May you never be cursed with demons like I have in my head!

movies vs. real life part 5

today I'll just do a little comparison about the ex if my life was a romantic comedy,if it was drama movie,and the documentary or in other words..real life. I'll take a few scenes and compare a little bit in each case.. -----------the ex------------------- In the romantic comedy, we'll always have the pleasure and peace of mind in knowing that the ex was a complete @$$&0!* who didn't deserve her in the first place. He only shows up in the movie as a clumsy drunk who is obviously miserable because he misses her in his life and we can tell how screwed up he is. She sees him , perhaps before the leading man asks her out on a date. He makes a laughing stock out of himself and she feels sorry for herself yet does not show it in front of the leading man. The scene changes to later that night; when she is eating lots and lots of ice cream to cheer herself up and while she is singing out loud " I will survive" and cutting out her ex's face from old pictures , the leading man calls and asks her out on a date. She says yes and somehow stumbles over some weird object on the floor while she is still on the phone. The camera rotates around and we see her still on the phone with the leading man,laughing out loud while still lying on the floor the way she fell.... Soundtrack: clearly as it has mentioned "I will survive" by y Gloria Gaynor In the drama version, the ex is the heartthrob who abused her emotionally. We see him as the better looking man (compared to leading man), with a hint of sophistication and charisma. He would show up at the exact moment when she's about to give an important public speech/ about to confess her love for the leading man/ about to accept the job offer of her dream. She hesitates, and panics. She tries to tell herself that all is going to be alright, but she looks at his face one more time and she realizes the emotions are just too strong. She screws up that amazing opportunity and excuses herself and leaves. The next scene is her at home, in his old shirt, holding a bottle of wine and reading their old letters/emails/chat logs/pictures and crying her eyes out. Then some kind of miracle happens, right there and then; like an ad on the TV, or a random phone call or something and it occurs to her that she can't spend her whole life crying over him. She decides to be positive; call her manager and apologize about her awkward behavior that morning and asks for another chance/ call leading man and asks him out/ call the potential employer and ask to reschedule the meeting. We see her the next day, getting dressed for the replay of the big event and trying out her outfits while she's repeating to herself. I'm strong, I can do it. However, as the camera zooms out to change the scene, we see that his picture is still on her bed. Soundtrack: It's hard letting you go, by Bon Jovi In real life, the ex will be an extra civilized gentelman , who will be stalking her to tell her about the new girl he's flirting with, in real life, even though there is nothing left to say or do he insists on re-adjusting the nature of their relationship and make her a friend, even if she can't be his in real life, She feels uncertain and confused. He still is, after all , "the one" (given that one gets only one "the one" in their lifetime). He broke her heart and she lost faith in the whole "love" thing but somehow with the image of the leading man is in her mind she finds herself not that hurt anymore. It is a very varied mix of feelings; Is it ok that she doesn't feel sad anymore? Is it ok that she doesn't feel indifferent either? She knows her friends will say "You're better off with him!" and "Would you like it to have been you disgraced like that?". But what will he (leading man) say? She wishes she'd talk to him about it; she does, after all, need to feel like she matters for someone too. But in real life, those mixed feelings and thoughts are a luxury she can not afford. She has a million other things to worry about; most importantly how to stop thinking about the leading man. And that's what she plans to do, work her @$$ off till she has no spare time to think about him. Soundtrack: traffic noises from the streets, footsteps across the hallway, and her keyboard typing sounds.

fullstop

i was angry and in huge emotional pain, but now i am not stating a fact now i was sad with you, that's how i remember it now, always sad for me, or for something that's happening to you, or even sad because of something you did to me, or something i did to you. but now it doesn't matter anymore the anger, the pain, the sadness everything. i know i am not well yet, but it doesn't matter anymore, nothing matters anymore all i can say is that i am enjoying feeling free, enjoying being real,enjoying the comforting peaceful fact that i don't have to take any more risks for you, "actually i decided not to take any risks for anyone ever again" i am enjoying the stat of no worry and the calmness that comes from it i am enjoying being just me without being obligated to be a friend, a lover, a mother, a therapist. i am somehow comfortable with the idea that we reached a cross road, where there's no turning back, because this mean no more waiting, no more talks, no more fear, no more tears i am happy being alone with me, that's the only person on earth that i am 100% sure will be here for me when in need . and even if i ended up dying alone it doesn't matter anymore, because it'll be my choice.. ME

turning the long page of 2009

I liked this TIME cover.. Very cool i think.. It was an stuffed year i think.. very "intense" I must say.. Too intense actually.. Fights, arguments, happiness, misery, hopes, dreams.. and it all seems sooo long ago today.. memories from another lifetime perhaps... or maybe fictional memories.. A year of holding on and letting go, believing and losing faith and not necessarily in this order.. recurring fears and reassurances.. interesting, what? that it was controversial and contradictory.. Resolutions? Working on them.. I need a paradigm shift...

call it a Quote or a Stolen Thought about being true

This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. ~ In Hamlet, William Shakespeare