"You are so terribly nimble, so clever. I distrust your cleverness. You make a wonderful pattern, everything is in its place, it looks convincingly clear, too clear. And meanwhile, where are you? Not on the clear surface of your ideas, but you have already sunk deeper, into darker regions, so that one only thinks one has been given all your thoughts, one only imagines you have emptied yourself in that clarity. But there are layers and layers -- you're bottomless, unfathomable. Your clearness is deceptive. You are the thinker who arouses most confusion in me, most doubt, most disturbance."
~Anaïs Nin, August 1932 "Henry & June"
but well..
I find patterns amusing..
not always good/happy, but always amusing.
Same time last year I thought about patterns, and then accused myself of jumping too soon to conclusions, of categorizing, stereotyping, etc.
This time I see them again, I can sense the air, and I find it cynical, this "self defense against self defense" as it was called by the other.
But there is nothing I can say or do about it.
Complaining, commenting, requesting, confronting, it won't get you any where. Ignoring, avoiding, denying,
well it might get you nowhere, but it will get you there with the remains of the day, and the dignity..
Cute and sort of childish how I sound so serious and mysterious..
I need to go back to being the Scheherazade of storytelling...
and I do have stories to tell.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
flapped and zapped
Life before lasik
Since I were maybe 8 years old I have been suffering of da3f el nazr and it has been going from bad to worse through those 20 years
I had my first glasses when I were 8 years old, I remember that day as it was yesterday it was a Thursday evening I just came back from school was having my lunch watching “bo2loz wa mama nagwa” my dad waited until I finished lunch and the show ended and he handed the glasses to me, back then glasses was not at all stylish and children glasses was not been invented so you can imagine the ugly plastic yellowish frame and glass lenses :s not a very bratty scene
I remember crying the minute I put it on, and as it was long ago I don’t remember my exact feeling back then but I remember I didn’t like it
People back then used to look at children wearing glasses as they are kind of disabled
For maybe 12 years I used to wear glasses though I never liked it, no matter what frame I picked, no matter of colored lenses, compressed ones, focused ones never ever liked them, never ever liked the way I looked wearing them, always made me feel less confident about myself yet I wear them night and day because I can’t see clearly without it.
And of course if you are not wearing glasses you never can imagine the pressure, how I used to be tensed when it breaks “lelah sodah lelah teeen”.
Then 8 years ago a friend of mine introduced me to contact lenses
Finally I got my freedom I were glasses free
Lenses I actually liked, enjoyed wearing I used transparent ones so people rarely noticed them.
Medically talking lenses gave me irritation, dryness, redness etching
So lenses must go hand in hand with moisturizing drops, clean environment and a strict cleansing daily schedule and above all contact lenses must never be used for more than 6 to 7 hours a day :s
So after all this time, effort, monthly budged its not practical
Then during this lenses period of my life I started hearing about some kind of one day lasir operation that fixes your eyes once and for all, at first I just didn’t care enough, then many of my friends had the procedure and told me about it, encouraged me to go ahead and do it, so a year ago I went to the hospital did the required tests and before the operation I chickened out and delayed it,
Then again I put it in my 2010 resolutions which I proudly achieved most of it, so I googled it, wikipided it, did my researches, knew all I needed to know, actually I knew more than I needed to know
And here it goes I took it seriously, set with the doctor who’s first instruction was to stop wearing lenses for at least 2 weeks before the procedure, and I did, then I went and paid for it in advanced to commit myself even more,
Then they called and set me a date to operate the 15th of September I went on time did a blood test, another cornea test, and then I waited and waited and waited for 5 hours alone at the hospital, as there was some messing in the doctor schedule that day
Amazingly I was calm, didn’t panic during that long waiting period, wearing that dark blue hospital outfit, having fuzzy thoughts but only one that I recall clearly now, I want to get it done
They calls my name, I get inside the O.R which was almost the same as the one I sow earlier on the video, which somehow made me feel calmer as I was assured I’ll know what’s happening even if I was just blindly lying there.
the assistant asked me to lay down, covered me with a light blue cover, and then the doctor tried to start a conversation to chill me up which would have been good and would properly work for someone who didn’t know exactly what’s about to happen in every single detail , so I just made a joke and said “talk to me about the burning smell that I’m about to smell “
the assistant cut the conversation by cleaning my eye with petadeen asking me not to try and open my eyes so that I don’t feel the burning of the liquid she applied
anyway he started making the cut around my cornea, placing the flap away and I was like seeing what he was doing
even when I talked and my head moved while he was starting to operate on my left eye and the cut was a bit bloody I felt it !!!!
It was fine, no pain, quick procedure,
And I was so calm and brave though I was all alone, that the doctor said to me “ I know you’re alive because your eye is alive in front of me but why are you deadly silent”
And I said” I am watching you operate on me in my head now, and actually can see you returning that flap back to its place”
And he said” that’s way too much that you studied “
After he finished he asked me to get up slowly
Asked me if I can see the white board a meter away from me I said yes
He said that’s great
Then I was like “hey, you owe me some blood from my left eye” he signs a thumb up for me and said “congrats”
Asked me to wait outside with my eyes closed for 30 min
After that I opened my eyes and things were just better, not too clear but I could see enough, to put on my clothes, talk with the doctor about the pre-operation instructions, go down the stairs, cross the road to the pharmacy and get the prescription drops, stop a taxi and go home.
And that was the day
Life after lasik
16th of September
That day I walk, opened my eye, my vision was clear though the room was dimmed, and for the first time in my life I didn’t reach for my glasses when I waked up, I couldn’t believe myself, I kept blinking to make sure that its true, I had a follow up with my doctor that day at 12 pm so I started to change and get dressed and for the first time in my life I knew my exact body shape, as glasses used to focus things and make them appear smaller and lenses used to enlarge things to give me a better vision so that day was the first day that I sow me/ met me
in my way to the hospital I discovered that the green blocks in the side of the road are tree leaves and I was like crying though I couldn’t because my eyes are still dry due to the procedure I wanted to scream “ I can see leaves from a distance”
I was not wearing any makeup/ perfume, I wasn’t even allowed to wash my face with water, yet I felt beautiful, I felt confident inside and outside
The moment I sow my doctor I told him about that leaves thing and said “thanks a million” I was really grateful to the man “people who knows me know that I sometimes if not most of the time say thanks/sorry as a meaningless cliché”
And he said in Arabic the following sentence “ fakra lama konty btro7y el ba7r wel nadara btshabar wa kol shwaya temsa7yha, lama tro7y el mara el gayah eb2y eftekry el gomla de”
I am thankful to god and to my doctor
I am happy that I was flapped and zapped
I am proud of how my 2010 resolution is so far being achieved in away that scares me, in a way that sometime make me sleeps at night thanking god for all the blessing he surrounded me by till now..
And I am Out
Content saso
Since I were maybe 8 years old I have been suffering of da3f el nazr and it has been going from bad to worse through those 20 years
I had my first glasses when I were 8 years old, I remember that day as it was yesterday it was a Thursday evening I just came back from school was having my lunch watching “bo2loz wa mama nagwa” my dad waited until I finished lunch and the show ended and he handed the glasses to me, back then glasses was not at all stylish and children glasses was not been invented so you can imagine the ugly plastic yellowish frame and glass lenses :s not a very bratty scene
I remember crying the minute I put it on, and as it was long ago I don’t remember my exact feeling back then but I remember I didn’t like it
People back then used to look at children wearing glasses as they are kind of disabled
For maybe 12 years I used to wear glasses though I never liked it, no matter what frame I picked, no matter of colored lenses, compressed ones, focused ones never ever liked them, never ever liked the way I looked wearing them, always made me feel less confident about myself yet I wear them night and day because I can’t see clearly without it.
And of course if you are not wearing glasses you never can imagine the pressure, how I used to be tensed when it breaks “lelah sodah lelah teeen”.
Then 8 years ago a friend of mine introduced me to contact lenses
Finally I got my freedom I were glasses free
Lenses I actually liked, enjoyed wearing I used transparent ones so people rarely noticed them.
Medically talking lenses gave me irritation, dryness, redness etching
So lenses must go hand in hand with moisturizing drops, clean environment and a strict cleansing daily schedule and above all contact lenses must never be used for more than 6 to 7 hours a day :s
So after all this time, effort, monthly budged its not practical
Then during this lenses period of my life I started hearing about some kind of one day lasir operation that fixes your eyes once and for all, at first I just didn’t care enough, then many of my friends had the procedure and told me about it, encouraged me to go ahead and do it, so a year ago I went to the hospital did the required tests and before the operation I chickened out and delayed it,
Then again I put it in my 2010 resolutions which I proudly achieved most of it, so I googled it, wikipided it, did my researches, knew all I needed to know, actually I knew more than I needed to know
And here it goes I took it seriously, set with the doctor who’s first instruction was to stop wearing lenses for at least 2 weeks before the procedure, and I did, then I went and paid for it in advanced to commit myself even more,
Then they called and set me a date to operate the 15th of September I went on time did a blood test, another cornea test, and then I waited and waited and waited for 5 hours alone at the hospital, as there was some messing in the doctor schedule that day
Amazingly I was calm, didn’t panic during that long waiting period, wearing that dark blue hospital outfit, having fuzzy thoughts but only one that I recall clearly now, I want to get it done
They calls my name, I get inside the O.R which was almost the same as the one I sow earlier on the video, which somehow made me feel calmer as I was assured I’ll know what’s happening even if I was just blindly lying there.
the assistant asked me to lay down, covered me with a light blue cover, and then the doctor tried to start a conversation to chill me up which would have been good and would properly work for someone who didn’t know exactly what’s about to happen in every single detail , so I just made a joke and said “talk to me about the burning smell that I’m about to smell “
the assistant cut the conversation by cleaning my eye with petadeen asking me not to try and open my eyes so that I don’t feel the burning of the liquid she applied
anyway he started making the cut around my cornea, placing the flap away and I was like seeing what he was doing
even when I talked and my head moved while he was starting to operate on my left eye and the cut was a bit bloody I felt it !!!!
It was fine, no pain, quick procedure,
And I was so calm and brave though I was all alone, that the doctor said to me “ I know you’re alive because your eye is alive in front of me but why are you deadly silent”
And I said” I am watching you operate on me in my head now, and actually can see you returning that flap back to its place”
And he said” that’s way too much that you studied “
After he finished he asked me to get up slowly
Asked me if I can see the white board a meter away from me I said yes
He said that’s great
Then I was like “hey, you owe me some blood from my left eye” he signs a thumb up for me and said “congrats”
Asked me to wait outside with my eyes closed for 30 min
After that I opened my eyes and things were just better, not too clear but I could see enough, to put on my clothes, talk with the doctor about the pre-operation instructions, go down the stairs, cross the road to the pharmacy and get the prescription drops, stop a taxi and go home.
And that was the day
Life after lasik
16th of September
That day I walk, opened my eye, my vision was clear though the room was dimmed, and for the first time in my life I didn’t reach for my glasses when I waked up, I couldn’t believe myself, I kept blinking to make sure that its true, I had a follow up with my doctor that day at 12 pm so I started to change and get dressed and for the first time in my life I knew my exact body shape, as glasses used to focus things and make them appear smaller and lenses used to enlarge things to give me a better vision so that day was the first day that I sow me/ met me
in my way to the hospital I discovered that the green blocks in the side of the road are tree leaves and I was like crying though I couldn’t because my eyes are still dry due to the procedure I wanted to scream “ I can see leaves from a distance”
I was not wearing any makeup/ perfume, I wasn’t even allowed to wash my face with water, yet I felt beautiful, I felt confident inside and outside
The moment I sow my doctor I told him about that leaves thing and said “thanks a million” I was really grateful to the man “people who knows me know that I sometimes if not most of the time say thanks/sorry as a meaningless cliché”
And he said in Arabic the following sentence “ fakra lama konty btro7y el ba7r wel nadara btshabar wa kol shwaya temsa7yha, lama tro7y el mara el gayah eb2y eftekry el gomla de”
I am thankful to god and to my doctor
I am happy that I was flapped and zapped
I am proud of how my 2010 resolution is so far being achieved in away that scares me, in a way that sometime make me sleeps at night thanking god for all the blessing he surrounded me by till now..
And I am Out
Content saso
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
a bipolar character
I was obsessing about the idea that maybe
"that's it", that "this is as good as it gets" and that things wont get any better.
The idea is so scary people. It freaks me out! Imagine that.......
Well, I won't get into that now. It doesn't matter, actually it does, but that's not what I wanted to share with you today.
Because of this dark cloud above my head, I have been feeling sort of sad ; like I haven't achieved anything or done much in my life. And somehow, when you're down, even the positive things in your life seem dull, like the stars in the sky stop appearing due to dark clouds but once unexpected winds come over shoving the dark clouds away, you'd feel amazed by the amount of bright twinkling little dots glittering your name in the sky.
Thing is. I realized. I have a love for life..
actually, a lust for life.
I love so many things and like to try out some more.
I like the outdoors, the active life as well as the little luxuries.
I like travel and cultures and parties and sports. Yet I enjoy domestic activities like cooking, reading .
I'm a geek deep inside yet I care for fashion and social life.
I love romantic movies and cheesy romance novels,
super heroes and fantasy stuff. I like everything, almost! No wonder I'd have more disappointments than most people, I have more of everything than most people.
So I, Saso, the most bipolar person you could ever meet, have made the realization that , from now on, I will make life, a beautiful thing. That's how I see it when I am in my "ups", May God bless me with the ability to still see it this way when i'm in my "downs".
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