salmon, dentist and fashion

at 2 pm I am in Casper & Gambini's City Stars, 
I flip the menu for about 5 minutes, then I ask the waitress to come and order mushroom  Soap and Grilled Salmon.
 The waiter looks at me and smiles saying: "Salmon?
 or would you like to have Pasta?"
And I am like "!!!!!!"
 Am I not Salmon Material?
 Did I ask for your opinion? 
If I want Pasta, Why would I possibly ask for Salmon !!!


then i headed to the dentist clinic
I walk in through the building entrance, 
the security guard asks me: "where to?"
I tell him " DR. xxxx clinic in the third floor".
 He says: " something is wrong with your teeth, do you have cavity or are you going to remove a tooth?
 and again I am like "YES !!!! 
I am sure as hell it just didn't occur to me to spend my Saturday afternoon at a DR clinic!!!!!!!


today, and for reasons I now can't imagine, I went shopping with a friend of mine with a typical egyption choppy body.
She'd seen a dress in a magazine and wanted to try it on.
 When she did, she started crying because she though she looked fat and lumpy in it.
But then she would, I pointed out, because she's a woman with breasts and hips and buttocks, and those hadn't been catered for in a design aimed at someone who looked like two parallel lines from any angle. 
The problem with a lot of women's fashion is that it is the work of gay men and designed to look good on adolescent boys.


so We decided that fashion is for fools and went for a cheeseburger instead." that i just sat and watch her eating because i just get my teeth done :s

this is my religion

i believe in the sun 
even if its not shining,
i believe in the light
even when i'm pulled  into darkness,
i believe in love
even if i were alone
i believe 
i believe in God
even when he put me in a situation
that i don't get the reason
for putting me in 
with my limited knowledge,
and lastly 
and above all the previous things that i mentioned 
i believe in God even when he's silent, 
even when i'm too destructed to listen.

i claim my right

Wednesday is my favorite day of the week
its management meeting day at the head office in Dokki, its the day that i feel i really love my job,
i get to be around my old office, the friends i made through work, and above all we get to talk, and go for lunch and speak our guts out about whatever brain dumb in any of us head,

 so today as you already knew from my previous 2 or 3 posts i have been struggling with the idea of let myself be sad/ unhappy or push myself to be happy
in another word "fake it until i make it".

so i was quiet all day wondering how to open the subject ,
then when we went to have launch during we were waiting for the food to come i throw my thought on them and innocently said: 
" i claim my right to be unhappy "


and here's what came next:

"But I like the inconveniences," said friend X
"We don't," said friend Y.
"We prefer to do things comfortably."
me: "But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness."
"really," said friend Z,
"you're claiming the right to be unhappy?!!."
"All right then," said friend X
me: defiantly, "I'm claiming the right to be unhappy."
then X said: "i am claiming my right to grow old and ugly and impotent, the right to have syphilis and cancer, the right to have too little to eat, the right to be lousy, the right to live in constant apprehension of what may happen tomorrow, the right to catch typhoid, the right to be tortured by unspeakable pains of every kind.

"There was a long silence."
I claim them all," said friend X at last.
friend Z shrugged her shoulders. "You're welcome," She said.


that's why i like my friend, because its always good to know that there's people more messed up than me :P.
later everybody must go home now..

pure emptiness to me is called liberty

i checked my Gmail, my Hotmail, my yahoo mail and i found NO incoming mails at any of them, so i got rejected by 3 different kinds of mail accounts, but i'll get over it , no worry :)

i checked my Facebook profile there's not a single notification or even invitation to any silly quiz or application, nor any massages even auto massages from groups or fan pages NON.

i checked my twitter profile no replies, no DM

and of course my mobile stopped ringing long time ago, 

actually i made a new recored see from 16 feb till 19 feb my mobile didn't make any sound, not even a missed call, no sms, NOTHING

there was a period of my life when my mobile was nice to me, during that time it used to ring the minute i look at it or think of somebody and i find it ringing right away

but that was back then.

nowadays i can look at it till tomorrow and it will do nothing, not even the sound of the battery becoming empty.

now when i even call any of my old friends "reconnecting with people ya3ni" they are either busy to reply or actually if they do reply i find nothing to say, no conversation!! 

i'm not an anti-social person but currently i appreciate/ want to be alone , but i'm not letting myself fall into this empty dark space because its not healthy, so i am pushing myself to do stuff to keep busy.

i have this illusion or maybe true feeling that i become a boring, not good company person, so whenever i think about communicating with any of my friends or people in my network even , i find this imaginary recorder voice massage playing in my head 
" the number you're calling really won't or don't want to answer your call, so for the sake of humanity go find yourself something useful to do".

i know that all i said is confusing, but to say it straight forward i don't care that i'm alone, matter fact i enjoy being alone, yet i shouldn't be alone because its not right/healthy to shut myself from the world..!!!!  

be thankful

Thanks for not having

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.

If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Thanks for lacking knowledge

Be thankful when you don't know something,

for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Thanks for difficult times

Be thankful for the difficult times. 

During those times you grow.

Thanks for limitations

Be thankful for your limitations,

because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Thanks for challenges

Be thankful for each new challenge,

because it will build your strength and character.

Thanks for mistakes made

Be thankful for your mistakes. 

They will teach you valuable lessons.

Thanks for exhaustion

Be thankful when you're tired and weary,

because it means you've made the effort.

Thanks for setbacks

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.

A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who

are also thankful for the setbacks.

Thanks for troubles

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,

and they can become your blessings.

~ Author Unknown ~

Life goes on... and so will mine!

this quote has been lately moving around facebook "Life in three words; it goes on"

well, i already know that.

 I always did. In fact, I've always depended on that fact; knowing that eventually life goes on, as in not wait for me, as in, time will pass regardless of me doing or not doing anything with it.

yet as much as this fact is comforting in itself, people like myself , control-freaks, and analyzers find it hard to accept in some ways.

 Meaning, life will go on without my intervention, oh my God!

 What will it turn out like? 

What can I do about that?

 How can I make sure that it goes on in the direction I want?

 All these questions are basically answered negatively. This for a person like myself, kills me!

I faced my demons last night, how much I need to let go of the illusion of control that I give myself. 

I've been holding on to the past so hard, refusing to give life a chance to go on.

 I thought I couldn't let go.

 This whole letting go issue is really difficult for me.

 Really.

 You know those trust games where you're supposed to close your eyes and let yourself fall, knowing that your partner will catch you? I'd never do it, never did, never will! 

I can't consciously let go.

 I'm trying though, which brings us to the point I was trying to say.

 After all the events that I have been through lately I've been torn between wanting to let go and wanting to hold on to the memories, I took some physical steps but didn't take any emotional ones.

 Then I realized, everyone else's life goes on, perhaps except mine, cause I'm not letting it.

 My friend's lives are going out according to their plan/preferences, my family are having their life according to their carefully calculated plan, prince charming has his life going in the direction he wants,

 God, even the enemy's life is getting better.

 It's only my life that's not, or at least doesn't seem to be.

 Maybe because I am holding on to the past since I don't have a plan for the future. 

Again I get side-tracked.

 The point is, I am trying to let go of the past, trying to give life a chance to go on, trying to be optimistic about the future and be the sunshine person I used to be.

 It won't be easy, as my nostalgia struck and my brain dumb moments will come between me and letting go, but one thing for sure life goes on and its time for mine to goon too

yes i can post bla bla blahs here, its my blog !!

the intro:
you know that in real life there's rarely happily ever afters, in real life there's barely after,, never after, since after but rarely if never ever after  :s


the realization: 
there's no fairy tales in real life ,its just useless stories that have been stuffed into our brains, so just believe me and move over it because noone will come in a shining armer and a white horse to save anyone, and none is gonna come back from the dead by a kiss from a handsome prince
in real life its dark , messy, and cruel.  


the thought
if you're waiting for the universe to pity you, you are wasting your time, because the universe spins and spins and don't give a damn about whom is whining or whom is laughing.!!


the conclusion:
life is not fair, but who said it's,
 shit happens all the time and there's nothing i can do about but accept it ..


the approach:
i wanna miraculously change myself into a cheerful person again, 
i have no idea how i'm gonna do it, but i really miss feeling
happy so much, 
i miss enjoying things like a good conversation on the phone with a friend 
without being disturbed by a recalled memory that once happened
 i miss enjoying an outing without thoughts spinning in my head
i miss fixing my hair, and looking all trendy and stylish
.....
the confession:
i am admitting the fact that i'm alone
 and i must love/like me now for me not for what i resemble , give or do for anyone   
i am free so i just have to stop imagining that i'm still living in that bubble 
it is over
and i am done here
me.

Just documenting my brilliant and amazing thoughts

in a short straight phrase" i'm just not a wedding guest material ". 

Plain and simple.

Not only did I always not like them, but also, it grows worse every wedding.

 Anyway, last Friday, I went to the wedding of a close friend of mine from my EX work. 

And although non-customary, I really wanted to go,

 AND I thought I looked nice. 

I went to the wedding, met my old co-workers (who are mostly guys) and some other people I know. 

So, on the scale of feeling out of place(which i always feel in weddings), this was the least intensive. 

Yet somehow, I felt too tall, too big and by far too old!

Oh, and need I mention how the night dresses keep getting shorter! LOL each to their own.

 Anyway, 

I'm not complaining really.

 These are facts of life that I need to deal with:

 growing older, fatter, girls getting younger and prettier, skirts/dresses getting shorter in a way that i can't follow up ...

and so on.

FYI

i always thought/said if I ever get married, I won't have a wedding.

deeply in my mind

voices in my head keep repeating this phrase "and then Pandora's box was opened"

confessions

most of the times i don’t get what i want, instead i get what i'm supposed to have by whatever you call it fate, destiny, God...
 the question is this Fair enough?
i was content and an acceptant person for the past 27 years to whatever i get to have and whatever i get depraved of 
yet this time i feel trapped !!
 stuck in a fragile bubble,
 numbed, unable to move backwards or forward
so  
last night i sat and pray for destiny, fate ,God to leave me alone, and  just for once let me have what i desire to have..

FYI

i cross my heart and hope to die if i ever let anybody into my life or fall in love ever again..

a quote from today!!

"My task, which I am trying to achieve is, by the power of the written word, to make you hear, to make you feel--it is, before all, to make you see."
— Joseph Conrad (Lord Jim)

posting secrets

today's secret isn't a picture that i related to from post secrets website, today's secret is a personal mail that i received from one of my friends and after calling her and asking for her permission to share her mail here in my blog she said ok.
the mail really deserve sharing
somehow i saw me in her words, i saw lots of people i know too
 maybe these words can make us reevaluate lots of priorities in our lives
here it goes:
the subject is "i was dying"

First i was dying to finish my high school and start college
and then i was dying to finish college and start working
then i was dying to marry and have children
and then i was dying for my children to grow old enough so i could go back to work
But then i was dying to retire
and now i'm dying
and suddenly i realized i forgot to live



please don't let this happen to you
appreciate ur current situation
and enjoy each day

.... 

hope you got the massage !!.

heal me

As weird as it might seem
For it just seemed so real
Last night I had a dream
A dream that I could feel
But still it was a dream..

In the rain I saw you stand,
Smiling in the rain
I ran and held your hand
You took away my pain
I couldn't understand..

The only thing I knew
That I could really feel
The magic that you do
By touches that can heal,
I'm healed because of you..

You let me take your hand
And everything felt fine
Your skin was my own land
I'm yours and you are mine
A garden grew from sand..

My music was your voice
Your smile was my sunshine
My heaven was your eyes,
We reached a thousand skies..

I was in paradise

Yet still it was a dream..

confessions

I'd like to think I'm not a high-tempered neurotic person nor am I a calm and quiet one either.
 Pretty much a normal girl who tries hard to keep my emotional outbursts to the minimum in public.

I don't know how long has this been happening, but it's a recently, probably a couple of months or so. 

It's like because so many feelings and emotions are kept inside, I sort of get those emotional bursts.

 If it were a movie, you'd see my hair big and messy, dark makeup melting off my eyes, shouting , insulting and cursing.

 Yelling at the top of my lungs like a crazy person.

 Then in a few seconds, I push some of it out and go back to calmness.

 In the movie version, I straighten my hair, wash my face, put on some lip gloss and smile my way back into whatever I was doing.

sometimes , I really wish I can just tell it to the face of the people who deserve it. 

But really, the responsibility of this actions is not the kind that I can deal with.

It's odd. but it does happen! Only for a few seconds like I said. And thank God, only inside my head. 

** i have been suffering from this odd syndrome lately, which includes mixed feelings of anger, anxiousness, super hyper, feeling like crying and telling jokes at the same time

but the feeling that mostly makes me uncomfortable is this strange feeling of not belonging anywhere, i can't stand staying in any place anymore..

 when i'm i'm at work or at home or out with my friends there's this continues feeling inside that is not justified at all that i need to be somewhere else now!! 

 that's it for now.

FYI

now i come with a warning label:

"If you don't want to stick around in my life then, don't even bother introducing yourself. I can't get hurt anymore."

FYI

 I’m intimidated by the fear of being average..!!

born in the eighties

I was born in the 80s, this song is one of my favorite songs.

 It's about someone's journey in life that might be similar to many others.

 Can you tell why people look for things to control? Does this make them feel they are having a better or a more secure life?

 Does not controlling something make them feel they're inferior?

Is it a human nature to control things?

 Do you want to control something?

 What would it be?

 Would it be a job? 

A hobby? 

A skill?

 Do you think you're actually controlling something? 

Are you happy with it?

 Does it really matter?

"The trick to forget the bigger picture is when

You look at everything in close-up as often as you can"

--

I grew up in the 90's at least that's what I tried

Looking for ways to be satisfied

I went to San Diego to try out my luck

Came back 12 months later and again I was stuck

I felt like a goldfish stuck in a bowl

I was waiting for something that I could control

After 2000 no longer a kid

The world didn't end but something else did

When my father takes off I'm already 19

He wasn't as happy as I thought he seemed

If this is my screenplay I don't like my role

These are the things that you just can't control

Although I feel a lot older I'm just 23

If you're looking for answers don't come to me

Instead of a future I've got a guitar

But dreaming out loud won't get me far

Still I feel I'm ready for rock'n roll

There might be something that I can control

By the time I hit 30 I'll have enough

Of being a twentysomething in love

My friends will all be married or they will be gone

Me, I'll still be wondering what's going on

If that's what it takes then I'll sell my soul

As long as there's something that I can control

One day I'll wake up and I'll be 38

Doing the things I used to hate

The trick to forget the bigger picture is when

You look at everything in close-up as often as you can

Our revolution is covered in mold

There's only so much you can control

This is no anthem because anthems are proud

And pride isn't something that this is about

I shouldn't care shouldn't care

But I do and that's sometimes too hard to bear

Still walking the same road with my shoes full of holes

Just waiting for something that we can control

If I ever reach 50 or 65

Too early to tell if I'll still be alive

We were born in the 80's and now we are here

My generation's dream will disappear

I'm at a graveyard passing the rows

A silent surrender we'll never get close

This is my story you swallowed it whole

About us feeling the need to be in contr

P.S

never use the words magic/magical/magically unless you're talking to a kid
and most adult are mature enough to know that there's no such thing called magic
and the few who believe in it could get torn just by believing that magical stuff happens 

FYI

if  two lovers become best friends its either they never really were in love or they are still deeply in love.!! 

FYI

Sometimes we forgive people and bear with them, only because we want them in our lives.

FYI, P.S

It always amazes me how misunderstandings start like a small snowball, taking the concerned people in it and gaining size and momentum while rolling downhill, then end up crashing in a totally unexpected and undesired manner!

 Sad!

BTW

when it comes to managing  tough-shit situations you have two options

• option one: fuck it up and run.
• option two: face it and relax.

FYI

i've already gone crazy once,so now I know very well what my limits are..!!!

tell me when you feel something

a note

I erased you, and my pen broke.....

The world is flat!

when i saw this book  at Diwan, i thought it was a fiction book..
 sort of like the Pratchett/Gaiman things i read :D..
 turns out its a collection of political essays! 
Anyway, this reminds me of a Suzanne Vega song called "The World before Columbus".

about this song, Vega said "The idea of the world before Columbus came because I have a cat at home, and this cat scratched my eye -just playing, and it became infected and I had to wear an eye-patch for about a week. The thing I noticed was that the world was really flat seeing the world that way. 
It struck me as funny and I was writing it down and I said the world was as flat as the world before Columbus."


read thru... and enjoy :)

If your love were taken from me
Every color would be black and white
It would be as flat as the world before Columbus
That's the day that I lose half my sight

If your life were taken from me
All the trees would freeze in this cold ground
It would be as cruel as the world before Columbus
Sail to the edge and I'd be there looking down

Those men who lust for land
And for riches strange and new
Who love those trinkets of desire
Oh they never will have you
And they'll never know the gold
Or the copper in your hair
How could they weigh
the worth of you so rare

If your love were taken from me
Every light that's bright would soon go dim
It would be as dark as the world before Columbus
Down the waterfall and I'd swim over the brim

Those men who lust for land
And for riches strange and new
Who love those trinkets of desire
Oh they will never have you
And they'll never know the gold
Or the copper in your hair
How could they weigh
the worth of you so rare