انا لست من مرمر ودانتيل

I have always had a problem with Nizar qabany poetry. There is something that bothered me about It but i just could not point it.

i mean the man loves women, to the point of adoration even!!
 what's MY problem with that exactly?


I cannot deny I liked some of his poetry. I would not seek it though, I would only read what comes in my way -whether by chance or recommendation-.

yet lately and with a couple of unpleasant incedent that accord to me i realized why i have problems with nizar 

my problem is "When someone refers me to Nizar", that is my issue.

 I do not want the "woman/muse" model.

 I do not have an issue with being an inspiration or a muse, in fact who wouldn't want to!

 But I do have an issue with this being what defines me.

 I have an issue with this forming a screen between "who I am" and "how you perceive me to be". 

Because I must stay young, and lovely, and sweet, and happy. I _must_ stay this person.

I must not worry or doubt or question. I must not feel insecure. Even when you like my imperfections, you like them as part of my muse-being, just like you would admire a chip in the body of a lovely sculpture, just like you admire Venus without arms.

the less walked road

i live by the clock that needs new batteries;

but i never buy them.

i like to live when the time does not move,

i like to believe that i dont have to rush through.

for every instance that i look around,

for every detail that i ponder over,

i take away a so called moment

from the so called definition of life.

time ticks by or it doesn't,

i atleast know that i am a bit closer to reality;

the one that illusion creates

runs farther with every piece of it.

the dust that i clear

when i revisit my life

chooses not to settle back ever,

because i promise to construct with them

the path that i have begun to tread upon

for life is not a multiple construction story

but the same one,one above the other.

provoking a feeling within me

sitting in my bubble now,listening to music as i am writing this

in spite of the fact that i prefer silence at such times

music always distracts.

but today it is behaving differently;

it is forcing me to write by provoking a feeling within me.

as is mostly the case, i leave the feeling unnamed.

they seem beyond the grasp of words like nostalgic and reminiscent,

the words dont describe the tears that my heart bleeds

when it gets in touch with sudden peace

And not just that-it is fulfillment.

it comes with knowing the fact that i am living:

honestly and in my true definition-

living with uncertainity and in the moment-

the secret of all risks, and success.

لكن فالقلب شئ ما

وضعت فالقلب صخوراً
مابين الصخرة والصخرة
جبل
كتبت عليه:ليس للحب أملٌ
أنطقت الصخر بكلمات
لا أسمح للقلب بسخرة
وكتبت نهاية كلماتى
قد ترك الحب على اعتاب القلبِ
جراحاً تنزف عبر الدهر قروناً
قد ترك الحب بعد الهجر عيوناً
تذرف من جرح القلب دموعاً
علّك تزداد بالحب جحوداً
يا قلبى
فلهذا ملأتك قلبى صخوراً
ما بين الصخرة والصخرة
جبل
أسميته
لا أقبل للقلب قيوداً
فالرجل لا يقضى وعوداً

i seriously mean it... BE CAREFUL

be careful what you wish for as it might actually come true, I learned it the hard way

nobody dies from too much sleep

the alarm starts, with it starts the usual morning story,
 i gaze at the ceiling for a while,then i press snooze a couple of times,
and i stay like this for an a hour or more, 
and i became very creative regarding coming up with excuses,sometimes i say to myself weather is horrible out there, I'll stay in bed for some more.
other times i say what's wrong in being late to work today?!
 and many times i get out of bed, and open my closet, then get back 
into bed to think what am i gonna wear today.


anyway it takes me around an hour and a something, 
to get myself out of bed,take my shower, get dressed and then i take my first courage pill
i look at the mirror
 and say to myself"اجمد يا وحش كده واتوكل عالله وانزل شوف اكل عيشك"
and i arrive at work feeling like a heroine, freezing my emotions,
 acting all reckless as if i were the strongest girl alive,
then around 12 pm the courage pill effect start to feed away
so i take another courage pill
go to the bathroom, look myself at the mirror


 and say" هانت يا جميل مش فاضل كتير خلاص"


the second part of the day is the slowest part on me,
 because thats when the all alone feeling start to hit me, and since i lately somehow lost my will to argue or fight inside or outside work 
so i have no other solution but feeling bothered and annoyed, 
because for some cosmic reason something has to go wrong everyday


then i start my trip back home in traffic jams, 
and crowded sunny streets, thats when i start cursing the day and life 
and people, can't stand this any more, 
and thats when all the bad memories and stupid troubles in my
life, and all the unhandled issues starts to roll-on my head
 and i feel so tensed,
 that i almost want  to cry
then again i take another courage pill
i look at my reflection on the Wind shield 
and say to myself
" معقول كده يا ساسو يا قمر انتى نروح البيت معيطين نستحمل شويه كمان يا قطة كلها شوية ونكون مع الحبيب الغالى"
i usually arrive home to find every thing too quiet , too empty except for my dog that run at me the moment i enter the door
so i either surrender to the pressure and crash into my negative feelings of loneliness, failure,whine 
and start crying my guts out
or i just take another courage pill and go do anything positive surf the net, 
or flip channels or call somebody
and in both scenarios i become out of energy,
 and the emptiness feeling starts to increase
and i feel like missing it
so i look at it in longing
it looks back at me with tenderness 
i remember its fuzzy comforting hug and i just miss it more and more
so i just say to myself whats the hell,  nobody dies from too much sleep
so i throw myself in its cozy hug ,and I stay awake for like 2 hours thinking about my day,
 hmm. 
such a boring  ordinary day like all other days 
and i say: oh shit, what if all days continued to be like this 
and before i start hallucinating and thinking about this concern 
I jump out of bed to take my last courage pill
I look at the mirror
 and say to myself" ايه يا ساسو حتى النوم كمان حنحاف منه؟ نامى نامى و ان شاء الله بكرة حيكون احسن"

confession

I am a girl with abandoning issues I know I said that here before, my confession is that i have been abandoned too much in my life from too many people that I am always expecting people to leave, always preparing myself for that next moment of letting go/ abandoning /goodbye..

feeling fragile

been quite sometime now that i've been feeling i am made of glass, one careless mistake and i'm broken..
afraid of life and living, of people of their behaviours..