forever friends

Every so often, we meet people in this world who change our lives in a real way.
Or maybe, it's that you have friends who are with you during life-changing periods of your life and they forever remain tied to that person you were as you were becoming who you are.

I have several of these friends, people who stood by me, walked with me and held my hands during critical points of my life. 

They have my secrets in their hearts, they know my soul. 

Some of them are still my friends, some still flit at the edge of my friendship circle, while others have wandered out of my life entirely.

Moments like these makes me remember how fortunate I am in the realm of friendship. How lucky I am to have a host of friends who touch me, who love me tenderly and toughly, who simply know me. 

Thank you, my friends, far and wide, for loving me and all of my numerous imperfections.

Thank you for standing by me, for holding my hand, listening to my words, hearing me.
 It has been a privilege walking this journey of life, sharing my joys.

Thank you.

silly tricks of time

you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack, you may find yourself in 

another part of the world, you may find yourself behind the wheel of a 

large car, you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife

And you may find yourself like saying "Well...How did I get here?"

فيه شخبطة فى دماغى

been thinking about that phrase for sometime now.. its funny.. no one reads directions on a shampoo bottle anymore.. you just know you're supposed to "lather, rinse, repeat".. If product gets into eyes, wash them immediately with water. If problem persists, consult your physician. For external use only (who would ever drink shampoo!)

It's funny.. just becomes a background process keda.. you never stop to wonder or think, is there a better way to do things? Maybe i shouldnt repeat lest my hair gets too dry.. Do i need to change my shampoo? What about conditioner? it just becomes part of your routine..
(note to self -and to readers-: i sound too much like who moved my cheese!)


I am questioning my shampoo big time.. maybe i need to wash my hair with soap instead.. maybe i need to switch to a more fancy brand... i dont know YET, but what i do know is, its time to throw away that bottle and requestion my hair washing techniques!


(As my best friend he'll: ely fahem 7aga yerfa3 2eedo!) All in favor say "Aye"..


bahayes no? "feh sha5bata fe demaghy", saraseer and spiders too..


Anyway, to rap up, here is a part of a song from my childhood that i relate to....
read it thru, its deeper than it seems..


would you like to swing on a star
carry moonbeams home in a jar
and be better off than you are
or would you rather be a fish


A fish won't do anything but swim in a brook
he can't write his name or read a book
to fool the people is his only thought
and though he's slippery he still gets caught
but if then that sort of life is what you wish
you may grow up to be a fish
a new kind of jumped up slippery fish


And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo
everyday you see quite a few
so you see it's all up to you,
you could be better than you are
you could be swinging on a star




p.s. would you please say a little prayer for me..

How to grieve

"After the first death, there is no other," wrote Dylan Thomas. 

That doesn't mean the ones that come after won't break your heart, but it's the first that punches your soul's passport.

 Welcome, fellow human, to a different country than the one you woke up to this morning.

 The air's different here; so is the scenery.

 Your knees don't work so well; in fact, you may want to fall to them.

For a precious little while, you are allowed to be stunned into silence, or to shriek, or to talk—recounting stories of who he was, what she meant to you, and how it all came to an end. 

Tell those stories. Some people may try to enforce "The Rules," to wit: Enough of This Drama Is Enough.

 Ignore them. 

Besides, if you treat yourself gently and take the time you need, someday soon you'll hear the faint but steady voice of your own good sense.

Play music you love, sit in the sunshine if you can find some, and if anyone offers you a hand, hold it.

 Let them feed the cat, too, because they want to be useful.

 If your good sense does not kick in on its own, help it along: scramble some eggs.

 It will feel strange at first.

 But if you pretend that scrambling eggs is normal, eventually it will become normal.

 Soon you can squeeze some orange juice, too. 

 For some of us the stay in this new country seems endless.

 But time passes, seasons change, and, truly, would those we grieve for want us to mope? Come with me, back into the world. 

We'll return to this land someday, all too soon, but in the meantime the garden needs weeding, the bills need paying.

 Your other loved ones need you.

 And you, my sweet friend, you could use a shampoo. —Larkin Warren

a thought from today 10-11-2011

For some people and I'm one of them it isn't enough to see a beautiful garden, people like me enjoy it more if they think it has fairies at its bottom 
For people like me life isn't nice when its white, it must be in techno colour to be nice, for people like me rain is chilling but we want rainbows too, people like me enjoy spring mornings but with our eyes wondering around for butterflies. 
People like me want that extra thing that makes it all complete.

of icecream and stuff that brings happiness

Like how a lot of people crave for the sweetness of ice cream, a lot of people desire the sweetness of happiness. 
Some, however, detest happiness, not unlike people with sensitive teeth detest ice cream.


Ice cream are like happiness. Some like to add toppings and dried food on top of it. People like me prefer plain ice cream without toppings.


Happy things that are significant are like huge oversized ice cream. It is better to be shared rather than gobbling it down alone.
 Finishing an oversized ice cream alone doesn’t give you scalable satisfaction.
 It might just give you stomach ache.

Do you relate at all to being sensitive or antisocial or introvert?

though I enjoy the balance of having a social life, I going shopping with the girls from work, spending time wondering at night with my car, and spend time with family and the remains few friends i still have.

yet, I always need time alone to counterbalance the time with others or outside of the confines of my bubble.

 I also enjoy being my own best friend. I never let myself down, you know?

i admit that I’m a pretty sensitive person.. Large crowds deplete me.

 I will feel tired even after eating at a restaurant, especially if people are loud. (On a side note: I can’t believe how loud some people are in restaurants! Do you really have to shout or talk on your phone in public?)

I laugh when people say that sensitivity is a gift. I relate to that a bit, but I have known so many gifted, talented, but sensitive creative people. We talk about how it’s our sensitivity that helps us get in touch with our creative sides.  I’m not so sure any more about that gift aspect of it.

I like to be all by myself at times. Other times, I feel like it would be nice to be around others, but I am tired in advance , and i don't know why so I don’t!!. 

I have found navigating through friendships as an adult to be very challenging at times. I tend to screen my phone calls. I tend to prefer emails, chat as a form of communication. I like to shop at stores during the week when they are less busy.. I do the best I can as much as i can bear, yet it still get into me and bother me being judged for being sensitive, antisocial or introvert..

that's when real life begins

When a couple first 'fall in love', they usually do not talks about what it means to be together, or what either are prepared to do or not do,

 or what is expected. 

Both parties are just feeling so good being around each other,neither stop to think about it.

 But then when the 'honeymoon' is over, there can be misunderstandings, hurts, resentments and unspoken rules broken.

and that's when real life begins..!!!

انا لست من مرمر ودانتيل

I have always had a problem with Nizar qabany poetry. There is something that bothered me about It but i just could not point it.

i mean the man loves women, to the point of adoration even!!
 what's MY problem with that exactly?


I cannot deny I liked some of his poetry. I would not seek it though, I would only read what comes in my way -whether by chance or recommendation-.

yet lately and with a couple of unpleasant incedent that accord to me i realized why i have problems with nizar 

my problem is "When someone refers me to Nizar", that is my issue.

 I do not want the "woman/muse" model.

 I do not have an issue with being an inspiration or a muse, in fact who wouldn't want to!

 But I do have an issue with this being what defines me.

 I have an issue with this forming a screen between "who I am" and "how you perceive me to be". 

Because I must stay young, and lovely, and sweet, and happy. I _must_ stay this person.

I must not worry or doubt or question. I must not feel insecure. Even when you like my imperfections, you like them as part of my muse-being, just like you would admire a chip in the body of a lovely sculpture, just like you admire Venus without arms.

the less walked road

i live by the clock that needs new batteries;

but i never buy them.

i like to live when the time does not move,

i like to believe that i dont have to rush through.

for every instance that i look around,

for every detail that i ponder over,

i take away a so called moment

from the so called definition of life.

time ticks by or it doesn't,

i atleast know that i am a bit closer to reality;

the one that illusion creates

runs farther with every piece of it.

the dust that i clear

when i revisit my life

chooses not to settle back ever,

because i promise to construct with them

the path that i have begun to tread upon

for life is not a multiple construction story

but the same one,one above the other.

provoking a feeling within me

sitting in my bubble now,listening to music as i am writing this

in spite of the fact that i prefer silence at such times

music always distracts.

but today it is behaving differently;

it is forcing me to write by provoking a feeling within me.

as is mostly the case, i leave the feeling unnamed.

they seem beyond the grasp of words like nostalgic and reminiscent,

the words dont describe the tears that my heart bleeds

when it gets in touch with sudden peace

And not just that-it is fulfillment.

it comes with knowing the fact that i am living:

honestly and in my true definition-

living with uncertainity and in the moment-

the secret of all risks, and success.

لكن فالقلب شئ ما

وضعت فالقلب صخوراً
مابين الصخرة والصخرة
جبل
كتبت عليه:ليس للحب أملٌ
أنطقت الصخر بكلمات
لا أسمح للقلب بسخرة
وكتبت نهاية كلماتى
قد ترك الحب على اعتاب القلبِ
جراحاً تنزف عبر الدهر قروناً
قد ترك الحب بعد الهجر عيوناً
تذرف من جرح القلب دموعاً
علّك تزداد بالحب جحوداً
يا قلبى
فلهذا ملأتك قلبى صخوراً
ما بين الصخرة والصخرة
جبل
أسميته
لا أقبل للقلب قيوداً
فالرجل لا يقضى وعوداً

i seriously mean it... BE CAREFUL

be careful what you wish for as it might actually come true, I learned it the hard way

nobody dies from too much sleep

the alarm starts, with it starts the usual morning story,
 i gaze at the ceiling for a while,then i press snooze a couple of times,
and i stay like this for an a hour or more, 
and i became very creative regarding coming up with excuses,sometimes i say to myself weather is horrible out there, I'll stay in bed for some more.
other times i say what's wrong in being late to work today?!
 and many times i get out of bed, and open my closet, then get back 
into bed to think what am i gonna wear today.


anyway it takes me around an hour and a something, 
to get myself out of bed,take my shower, get dressed and then i take my first courage pill
i look at the mirror
 and say to myself"اجمد يا وحش كده واتوكل عالله وانزل شوف اكل عيشك"
and i arrive at work feeling like a heroine, freezing my emotions,
 acting all reckless as if i were the strongest girl alive,
then around 12 pm the courage pill effect start to feed away
so i take another courage pill
go to the bathroom, look myself at the mirror


 and say" هانت يا جميل مش فاضل كتير خلاص"


the second part of the day is the slowest part on me,
 because thats when the all alone feeling start to hit me, and since i lately somehow lost my will to argue or fight inside or outside work 
so i have no other solution but feeling bothered and annoyed, 
because for some cosmic reason something has to go wrong everyday


then i start my trip back home in traffic jams, 
and crowded sunny streets, thats when i start cursing the day and life 
and people, can't stand this any more, 
and thats when all the bad memories and stupid troubles in my
life, and all the unhandled issues starts to roll-on my head
 and i feel so tensed,
 that i almost want  to cry
then again i take another courage pill
i look at my reflection on the Wind shield 
and say to myself
" معقول كده يا ساسو يا قمر انتى نروح البيت معيطين نستحمل شويه كمان يا قطة كلها شوية ونكون مع الحبيب الغالى"
i usually arrive home to find every thing too quiet , too empty except for my dog that run at me the moment i enter the door
so i either surrender to the pressure and crash into my negative feelings of loneliness, failure,whine 
and start crying my guts out
or i just take another courage pill and go do anything positive surf the net, 
or flip channels or call somebody
and in both scenarios i become out of energy,
 and the emptiness feeling starts to increase
and i feel like missing it
so i look at it in longing
it looks back at me with tenderness 
i remember its fuzzy comforting hug and i just miss it more and more
so i just say to myself whats the hell,  nobody dies from too much sleep
so i throw myself in its cozy hug ,and I stay awake for like 2 hours thinking about my day,
 hmm. 
such a boring  ordinary day like all other days 
and i say: oh shit, what if all days continued to be like this 
and before i start hallucinating and thinking about this concern 
I jump out of bed to take my last courage pill
I look at the mirror
 and say to myself" ايه يا ساسو حتى النوم كمان حنحاف منه؟ نامى نامى و ان شاء الله بكرة حيكون احسن"

confession

I am a girl with abandoning issues I know I said that here before, my confession is that i have been abandoned too much in my life from too many people that I am always expecting people to leave, always preparing myself for that next moment of letting go/ abandoning /goodbye..

feeling fragile

been quite sometime now that i've been feeling i am made of glass, one careless mistake and i'm broken..
afraid of life and living, of people of their behaviours..

saturday secret 30-7-2011

طاب لو كده be yourself وله ايه

today i was having a talk with a very introvert friend of mine about personal privacy, crossing lines, how much interfering is annoying or even considered interfering to such an introvert  person,
then a the whole cyber, virtual, internet, chatting, social media is about crossing lines, if not all line without actually crossing any line

its me, but i'm somebody else, its my picture but i'm hiding behind an avatar from real life, real people, we are all people here and we are all real but we are all someone's else virtual dude..

i can be anything, anyone, talk any talk, with whom ever i want here, but in real life i am that person sitting in a cafe staring at the ipad or laptop or even mobile and smiling at the screen, though there's nothing to laugh about around, or that person who sleeps with his blackberry over his head or that girl who is walking around with her phone texting.

we are all one of those people or even all those people,trapped in another world by choice, we are all weirdo to someone out there in real life with our geeky talk and our un-separate-able  communication methods..

the best friend role in somebody's else's movie

saturday secret 16-7-2011

time to go back

i live in a bubble, that i created to isolate myself from life, relatives, even family from annoying undesired news,events and irritating stupid people..

and sometimes though i am old enough and know better i take a chance on life, and Get out of my bubble.. 

have a look at the real world as it is and when someone/something shocks the hell out of me, screwed up my mind i know its time for me to gather the remains and go back into my bubble.

الحلاج عجبت منك ومنى

عجبتُ منك و منـّـي	يا مُنـْيـَةَ المُتـَمَنّـِي
أدنيتـَني منك حتـّـى	ظننتُ أنـّك أنـّــي
وغبتُ في الوجد حتـّى	أفنيتنـَي بك عنـّــي
يا نعمتي في حياتــي	و راحتي بعد دفنـــي
ما لي بغيرك أُنــسٌ	من حيث خوفي وأمنـي
يا من رياض معانيـهْ	قد حّويْـت كل فنـّـي
وإن تمنيْت شيْــــاً	فأنت كل التمنـّـــي

first time to blog nonsenses

غريب الحلم لمّا يواعد النعسان و ما يطولّش


~~
i blocked you, deleted you so that you keep wondering whether i am happy or not


~~
today i came to the conclusion that  I'm not bipolar, my mood is just on shuffle mode 
~~
giving up.it's the fastest road 2 heal, even if it isn't exactly the smartest.


dear blog: excuse my nonsense post/thoughts i'm feel so damn lonely today and you are the only one available to talk to though i didn't really say whats deeply in my mind.!!

saturday secret 9-7-2011

even more i don't stand being in the same room with them

of the romantic comedy 10 things i hate about you and its famous poem

So I'm sitting here and  because my life is my life, I found myself watching a YouTube video of the climactic poem from the movie "10 Things I Hate About You".

And again, because my life is my life, I started counting all of the things that Julia Stiles' character, Kat, hates about Heath Ledger's character, Patrick.

In the poem, Kat specifically lists 14 different things she hates. She combines some of them (and starts 10 lines with "I hate", which is how the people behind the movie arrived at 10).

Here's the poem; I've thrown in bolded numbers to show the 10 count, as I believe the people who made the movie saw it:

[1] I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. [2] I hate the way you drive my car; [3] I hate it when you stare.
 [4] I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
 [5] I hate you so much it makes me sick. It even makes me rhyme. [6] I hate it -- I hate the way you're always right;
 [7] I hate it when you lie. [8] I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. [9] I hate it when you're not around and the fact that you didn't call. [10] But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you -- not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Now here's the poem with all 14 things she hates annotated:

[1] I hate the way you talk to me,
 [2] and the way you cut your hair. [3] I hate the way you drive my car; [4] I hate it when you stare. [5] I hate your big dumb combat boots [6] and the way you read my mind.
 [7] I hate you so much it makes me sick. It even makes me rhyme. [8] I hate it -- I hate the way you're always right; [9] I hate it when you lie.
 [10] I hate it when you make me laugh,
 [11] even worse when you make me cry.
 [12] I hate it when you're not around [13] and the fact that you didn't call.
 [14] But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you -- not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

BUT... looking at it as I did, three of the 14 things she hates in this poem are not specificallyabout Patrick. 

They are statements of hate toward specific actions, or general feelings of hate.

The three "hate" lines from the poem are not things she hates about him:

- "I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme"... which I am calling NOT something she hates about him.

- "And the fact that you didn't call"... that's not something she hates about him, it's a specific event involving him that she happened to hate.

- "But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you -- not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all"... which, again, is not something she hates about him, it's something she hates about herself.

And thus concludes more academic analysis into the poem "10 Things I Hate About You" than anyone EVER should've done. 

is there someone up there how sees the world the way i see it

so far this is the oldest i have been

دعاء كميل

للَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ بِرَحْمَتِكَ الَّتِي وَسِعَتْ كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِقُوَّتِكَ الَّتِي قَهَرْتَ بِهَا كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ خَضَعَ لَهَا كُلُّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ ذَلَّ لَهَا كُلُّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِجَبَرُوتِكَ الَّتِي غَلَبْتَ بِهَا كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِعِزَّتِكَ الَّتِي لا يَقُومُ لَهَا شَيْ‏ءٌ وَ بِعَظَمَتِكَ الَّتِي مَلَأَتْ كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِسُلْطَانِكَ الَّذِي عَلا كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِوَجْهِكَ الْبَاقِي بَعْدَ فَنَاءِ كُلِّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِأَسْمَائِكَ الَّتِي مَلَأَتْ [غَلَبَتْ‏] أَرْكَانَ كُلِّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِعِلْمِكَ الَّذِي أَحَاطَ بِكُلِّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِنُورِ وَجْهِكَ الَّذِي أَضَاءَ لَهُ كُلُّ شَيْ‏ءٍ يَا نُورُ يَا قُدُّوسُ يَا أَوَّلَ الْأَوَّلِينَ وَ يَا آخِرَ الْآخِرِينَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تَهْتِكُ الْعِصَمَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تُنْزِلُ النِّقَمَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تُغَيِّرُ النِّعَمَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تَحْبِسُ الدُّعَاءَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تُنْزِلُ الْبَلاءَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِي كُلَّ ذَنْبٍ أَذْنَبْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ خَطِيئَةٍ أَخْطَأْتُهَا اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَتَقَرَّبُ إِلَيْكَ بِذِكْرِكَ وَ أَسْتَشْفِعُ بِكَ إِلَى نَفْسِكَ وَ أَسْأَلُكَ بِجُودِكَ أَنْ تُدْنِيَنِي مِنْ قُرْبِكَ وَ أَنْ تُوزِعَنِي شُكْرَكَ وَ أَنْ تُلْهِمَنِي ذِكْرَكَ اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ سُؤَالَ خَاضِعٍ مُتَذَلِّلٍ خَاشِعٍ أَنْ تُسَامِحَنِي وَ تَرْحَمَنِي وَ تَجْعَلَنِي بِقِسْمِكَ رَاضِيا قَانِعا وَ فِي جَمِيعِ الْأَحْوَالِ مُتَوَاضِعا اللَّهُمَّ وَ أَسْأَلُكَ سُؤَالَ مَنِ اشْتَدَّتْ فَاقَتُهُ وَ أَنْزَلَ بِكَ عِنْدَ الشَّدَائِدِ حَاجَتَهُ وَ عَظُمَ فِيمَا عِنْدَكَ رَغْبَتُهُ اللَّهُمَّ عَظُمَ سُلْطَانُكَ وَ عَلا مَكَانُكَ وَ خَفِيَ مَكْرُكَ وَ ظَهَرَ أَمْرُكَ وَ غَلَبَ قَهْرُكَ وَ جَرَتْ قُدْرَتُكَ وَ لا يُمْكِنُ الْفِرَارُ مِنْ حُكُومَتِكَ اللَّهُمَّ لا أَجِدُ لِذُنُوبِي غَافِرا وَ لا لِقَبَائِحِي سَاتِرا وَ لا لِشَيْ‏ءٍ مِنْ عَمَلِيَ الْقَبِيحِ بِالْحَسَنِ مُبَدِّلا غَيْرَكَ لا إِلَهَ إِلا أَنْتَ سُبْحَانَكَ وَ بِحَمْدِكَ ظَلَمْتُ نَفْسِي وَ تَجَرَّأْتُ بِجَهْلِي وَ سَكَنْتُ إِلَى قَدِيمِ ذِكْرِكَ لِي وَ مَنِّكَ عَلَيَّ اللَّهُمَّ مَوْلايَ كَمْ مِنْ قَبِيحٍ سَتَرْتَهُ وَ كَمْ مِنْ فَادِحٍ مِنَ الْبَلاءِ أَقَلْتَهُ [أَمَلْتَهُ‏] وَ كَمْ مِنْ عِثَارٍ وَقَيْتَهُ وَ كَمْ مِنْ مَكْرُوهٍ دَفَعْتَهُ وَ كَمْ مِنْ ثَنَاءٍ جَمِيلٍ لَسْتُ أَهْلا لَهُ نَشَرْتَهُ اللَّهُمَّ عَظُمَ بَلائِي وَ أَفْرَطَ بِي سُوءُ حَالِي وَ قَصُرَتْ [قَصَّرَتْ‏] بِي أَعْمَالِي وَ قَعَدَتْ بِي أَغْلالِي وَ حَبَسَنِي عَنْ نَفْعِي بُعْدُ أَمَلِي [آمَالِي‏] وَ خَدَعَتْنِي الدُّنْيَا بِغُرُورِهَا وَ نَفْسِي بِجِنَايَتِهَا [بِخِيَانَتِهَا] وَ مِطَالِي يَا سَيِّدِي فَأَسْأَلُكَ بِعِزَّتِكَ أَنْ لا يَحْجُبَ عَنْكَ دُعَائِي سُوءُ عَمَلِي وَ فِعَالِي وَ لا تَفْضَحْنِي بِخَفِيِّ مَا اطَّلَعْتَ عَلَيْهِ مِنْ سِرِّي وَ لا تُعَاجِلْنِي بِالْعُقُوبَةِ عَلَى مَا عَمِلْتُهُ فِي خَلَوَاتِي مِنْ سُوءِ فِعْلِي وَ إِسَاءَتِي وَ دَوَامِ تَفْرِيطِي وَ جَهَالَتِي وَ كَثْرَةِ شَهَوَاتِي وَ غَفْلَتِي وَ كُنِ اللَّهُمَّ بِعِزَّتِكَ لِي فِي كُلِّ الْأَحْوَالِ [فِي الْأَحْوَالِ كُلِّهَا] رَءُوفا وَ عَلَيَّ فِي جَمِيعِ الْأُمُورِ عَطُوفا إِلَهِي وَ رَبِّي مَنْ لِي غَيْرُكَ أَسْأَلُهُ كَشْفَ ضُرِّي وَ النَّظَرَ فِي أَمْرِي إِلَهِي وَ مَوْلايَ أَجْرَيْتَ عَلَيَّ حُكْما اتَّبَعْتُ فِيهِ هَوَى نَفْسِي وَ لَمْ أَحْتَرِسْ فِيهِ مِنْ تَزْيِينِ عَدُوِّي فَغَرَّنِي بِمَا أَهْوَى وَ أَسْعَدَهُ عَلَى ذَلِكَ الْقَضَاءُ فَتَجَاوَزْتُ بِمَا جَرَى عَلَيَّ مِنْ ذَلِكَ بَعْضَ [مِنْ نَقْضِ‏] حُدُودِكَ وَ خَالَفْتُ بَعْضَ أَوَامِرِكَ فَلَكَ الْحَمْدُ [الْحُجَّةُ] عَلَيَّ فِي جَمِيعِ ذَلِكَ وَ لا حُجَّةَ لِي فِيمَا جَرَى عَلَيَّ فِيهِ قَضَاؤُكَ وَ أَلْزَمَنِي حُكْمُكَ وَ بَلاؤُكَ وَ قَدْ أَتَيْتُكَ يَا إِلَهِي بَعْدَ تَقْصِيرِي وَ إِسْرَافِي عَلَى نَفْسِي مُعْتَذِرا نَادِما مُنْكَسِرا مُسْتَقِيلا مُسْتَغْفِرا مُنِيبا مُقِرّا مُذْعِنا مُعْتَرِفا لا أَجِدُ مَفَرّا مِمَّا كَانَ مِنِّي وَ لا مَفْزَعا أَتَوَجَّهُ إِلَيْهِ فِي أَمْرِي غَيْرَ قَبُولِكَ عُذْرِي وَ إِدْخَالِكَ إِيَّايَ فِي سَعَةِ [سَعَةٍ مِنْ‏] رَحْمَتِكَ اللَّهُمَّ [إِلَهِي‏] فَاقْبَلْ عُذْرِي وَ ارْحَمْ شِدَّةَ ضُرِّي وَ فُكَّنِي مِنْ شَدِّ وَثَاقِي يَا رَبِّ ارْحَمْ ضَعْفَ بَدَنِي وَ رِقَّةَ جِلْدِي وَ دِقَّةَ عَظْمِي يَا مَنْ بَدَأَ خَلْقِي وَ ذِكْرِي وَ تَرْبِيَتِي وَ بِرِّي وَ تَغْذِيَتِي هَبْنِي لابْتِدَاءِ كَرَمِكَ وَ سَالِفِ بِرِّكَ بِي يَا إِلَهِي وَ سَيِّدِي وَ رَبِّي أَ تُرَاكَ مُعَذِّبِي بِنَارِكَ بَعْدَ تَوْحِيدِكَ وَ بَعْدَ مَا انْطَوَى عَلَيْهِ قَلْبِي مِنْ مَعْرِفَتِكَ وَ لَهِجَ بِهِ لِسَانِي مِنْ ذِكْرِكَ وَ اعْتَقَدَهُ ضَمِيرِي مِنْ حُبِّكَ وَ بَعْدَ صِدْقِ اعْتِرَافِي وَ دُعَائِي خَاضِعا لِرُبُوبِيَّتِكَ هَيْهَاتَ أَنْتَ أَكْرَمُ مِنْ أَنْ تُضَيِّعَ مَنْ رَبَّيْتَهُ أَوْ تُبْعِدَ [تُبَعِّدَ] مَنْ أَدْنَيْتَهُ أَوْ تُشَرِّدَ مَنْ آوَيْتَهُ أَوْ تُسَلِّمَ إِلَى الْبَلاءِ مَنْ كَفَيْتَهُ وَ رَحِمْتَهُ وَ لَيْتَ شِعْرِي يَا سَيِّدِي وَ إِلَهِي وَ مَوْلايَ أَ تُسَلِّطُ النَّارَ عَلَى وُجُوهٍ خَرَّتْ لِعَظَمَتِكَ سَاجِدَةً وَ عَلَى أَلْسُنٍ نَطَقَتْ بِتَوْحِيدِكَ صَادِقَةً وَ بِشُكْرِكَ مَادِحَةً وَ عَلَى قُلُوبٍ اعْتَرَفَتْ بِإِلَهِيَّتِكَ مُحَقِّقَةً وَ عَلَى ضَمَائِرَ حَوَتْ مِنَ الْعِلْمِ بِكَ حَتَّى صَارَتْ خَاشِعَةً وَ عَلَى جَوَارِحَ سَعَتْ إِلَى أَوْطَانِ تَعَبُّدِكَ طَائِعَةً وَ أَشَارَتْ بِاسْتِغْفَارِكَ مُذْعِنَةً مَا هَكَذَا الظَّنُّ بِكَ وَ لا أُخْبِرْنَا بِفَضْلِكَ عَنْكَ يَا كَرِيمُ يَا رَبِّ وَ أَنْتَ تَعْلَمُ ضَعْفِي عَنْ قَلِيلٍ مِنْ بَلاءِ الدُّنْيَا وَ عُقُوبَاتِهَا وَ مَا يَجْرِي فِيهَا مِنَ الْمَكَارِهِ عَلَى أَهْلِهَا عَلَى أَنَّ ذَلِكَ بَلاءٌ وَ مَكْرُوهٌ قَلِيلٌ مَكْثُهُ يَسِيرٌ بَقَاؤُهُ قَصِيرٌ مُدَّتُهُ فَكَيْفَ احْتِمَالِي لِبَلاءِ الْآخِرَةِ وَ جَلِيلِ [حُلُولِ‏] وُقُوعِ الْمَكَارِهِ فِيهَا وَ هُوَ بَلاءٌ تَطُولُ مُدَّتُهُ وَ يَدُومُ مَقَامُهُ وَ لا يُخَفَّفُ عَنْ أَهْلِهِ لِأَنَّهُ لا يَكُونُ إِلا عَنْ غَضَبِكَ وَ انْتِقَامِكَ وَ سَخَطِكَ وَ هَذَا مَا لا تَقُومُ لَهُ السَّمَاوَاتُ وَ الْأَرْضُ يَا سَيِّدِي فَكَيْفَ لِي [بِي‏] وَ أَنَا عَبْدُكَ الضَّعِيفُ الذَّلِيلُ الْحَقِيرُ الْمِسْكِينُ الْمُسْتَكِينُ يَا إِلَهِي وَ رَبِّي وَ سَيِّدِي وَ مَوْلايَ لِأَيِّ الْأُمُورِ إِلَيْكَ أَشْكُو وَ لِمَا مِنْهَا أَضِجُّ وَ أَبْكِي لِأَلِيمِ الْعَذَابِ وَ شِدَّتِهِ أَمْ لِطُولِ الْبَلاءِ وَ مُدَّتِهِ فَلَئِنْ صَيَّرْتَنِي لِلْعُقُوبَاتِ مَعَ أَعْدَائِكَ وَ جَمَعْتَ بَيْنِي وَ بَيْنَ أَهْلِ بَلائِكَ وَ فَرَّقْتَ بَيْنِي وَ بَيْنَ أَحِبَّائِكَ وَ أَوْلِيَائِكَ فَهَبْنِي يَا إِلَهِي وَ سَيِّدِي وَ مَوْلايَ وَ رَبِّي صَبَرْتُ عَلَى عَذَابِكَ فَكَيْفَ أَصْبِرُ عَلَى فِرَاقِكَ وَ هَبْنِي [يَا إِلَهِي‏] صَبَرْتُ عَلَى حَرِّ نَارِكَ فَكَيْفَ أَصْبِرُ عَنِ النَّظَرِ إِلَى كَرَامَتِكَ أَمْ كَيْفَ أَسْكُنُ فِي النَّارِ وَ رَجَائِي عَفْوُكَ فَبِعِزَّتِكَ يَا سَيِّدِي وَ مَوْلايَ أُقْسِمُ صَادِقا لَئِنْ تَرَكْتَنِي نَاطِقا لَأَضِجَّنَّ إِلَيْكَ بَيْنَ أَهْلِهَا ضَجِيجَ الْآمِلِينَ [الْآلِمِينَ‏] وَ لَأَصْرُخَنَّ إِلَيْكَ صُرَاخَ الْمُسْتَصْرِخِينَ وَ لَأَبْكِيَنَّ عَلَيْكَ بُكَاءَ الْفَاقِدِينَ وَ لَأُنَادِيَنَّكَ أَيْنَ كُنْتَ يَا وَلِيَّ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَا غَايَةَ آمَالِ الْعَارِفِينَ يَا غِيَاثَ الْمُسْتَغِيثِينَ يَا حَبِيبَ قُلُوبِ الصَّادِقِينَ وَ يَا إِلَهَ الْعَالَمِينَ أَ فَتُرَاكَ سُبْحَانَكَ يَا إِلَهِي وَ بِحَمْدِكَ تَسْمَعُ فِيهَا صَوْتَ عَبْدٍ مُسْلِمٍ سُجِنَ [يُسْجَنُ‏] فِيهَا بِمُخَالَفَتِهِ وَ ذَاقَ طَعْمَ عَذَابِهَا بِمَعْصِيَتِهِ وَ حُبِسَ بَيْنَ أَطْبَاقِهَا بِجُرْمِهِ وَ جَرِيرَتِهِ وَ هُوَ يَضِجُّ إِلَيْكَ ضَجِيجَ مُؤَمِّلٍ لِرَحْمَتِكَ وَ يُنَادِيكَ بِلِسَانِ أَهْلِ تَوْحِيدِكَ وَ يَتَوَسَّلُ إِلَيْكَ بِرُبُوبِيَّتِكَ يَا مَوْلايَ فَكَيْفَ يَبْقَى فِي الْعَذَابِ وَ هُوَ يَرْجُو مَا سَلَفَ مِنْ حِلْمِكَ أَمْ كَيْفَ تُؤْلِمُهُ النَّارُ وَ هُوَ يَأْمُلُ فَضْلَكَ وَ رَحْمَتَكَ أَمْ كَيْفَ يُحْرِقُهُ لَهِيبُهَا وَ أَنْتَ تَسْمَعُ صَوْتَهُ وَ تَرَى مَكَانَهُ أَمْ كَيْفَ يَشْتَمِلُ عَلَيْهِ زَفِيرُهَا وَ أَنْتَ تَعْلَمُ ضَعْفَهُ أَمْ كَيْفَ يَتَقَلْقَلُ بَيْنَ أَطْبَاقِهَا وَ أَنْتَ تَعْلَمُ صِدْقَهُ أَمْ كَيْفَ تَزْجُرُهُ زَبَانِيَتُهَا وَ هُوَ يُنَادِيكَ يَا رَبَّهْ أَمْ كَيْفَ يَرْجُو فَضْلَكَ فِي عِتْقِهِ مِنْهَا فَتَتْرُكُهُ [فَتَتْرُكَهُ‏] فِيهَا هَيْهَاتَ مَا ذَلِكَ الظَّنُّ بِكَ وَ لا الْمَعْرُوفُ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ وَ لا مُشْبِهٌ لِمَا عَامَلْتَ بِهِ الْمُوَحِّدِينَ مِنْ بِرِّكَ وَ إِحْسَانِكَ فَبِالْيَقِينِ أَقْطَعُ لَوْ لا مَا حَكَمْتَ بِهِ مِنْ تَعْذِيبِ جَاحِدِيكَ وَ قَضَيْتَ بِهِ مِنْ إِخْلادِ مُعَانِدِيكَ لَجَعَلْتَ النَّارَ كُلَّهَا بَرْدا وَ سَلاما وَ مَا كَانَ [كَانَتْ‏] لِأَحَدٍ فِيهَا مَقَرّا وَ لا مُقَاما [مَقَاما] لَكِنَّكَ تَقَدَّسَتْ أَسْمَاؤُكَ أَقْسَمْتَ أَنْ تَمْلَأَهَا مِنَ الْكَافِرِينَ مِنَ الْجِنَّةِ وَ النَّاسِ أَجْمَعِينَ وَ أَنْ تُخَلِّدَ فِيهَا الْمُعَانِدِينَ وَ أَنْتَ جَلَّ ثَنَاؤُكَ قُلْتَ مُبْتَدِئا وَ تَطَوَّلْتَ بِالْإِنْعَامِ مُتَكَرِّما أَ فَمَنْ كَانَ مُؤْمِنا كَمَنْ كَانَ فَاسِقا لا يَسْتَوُونَ إِلَهِي وَ سَيِّدِي فَأَسْأَلُكَ بِالْقُدْرَةِ الَّتِي قَدَّرْتَهَا وَ بِالْقَضِيَّةِ الَّتِي حَتَمْتَهَا وَ حَكَمْتَهَا وَ غَلَبْتَ مَنْ عَلَيْهِ أَجْرَيْتَهَا أَنْ تَهَبَ لِي فِي هَذِهِ اللَّيْلَةِ وَ فِي هَذِهِ السَّاعَةِ كُلَّ جُرْمٍ أَجْرَمْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ ذَنْبٍ أَذْنَبْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ قَبِيحٍ أَسْرَرْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ جَهْلٍ عَمِلْتُهُ كَتَمْتُهُ أَوْ أَعْلَنْتُهُ أَخْفَيْتُهُ أَوْ أَظْهَرْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ سَيِّئَةٍ أَمَرْتَ بِإِثْبَاتِهَا الْكِرَامَ الْكَاتِبِينَ الَّذِينَ وَكَّلْتَهُمْ بِحِفْظِ مَا يَكُونُ مِنِّي وَ جَعَلْتَهُمْ شُهُودا عَلَيَّ مَعَ جَوَارِحِي وَ كُنْتَ أَنْتَ الرَّقِيبَ عَلَيَّ مِنْ وَرَائِهِمْ وَ الشَّاهِدَ لِمَا خَفِيَ عَنْهُمْ وَ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَخْفَيْتَهُ وَ بِفَضْلِكَ سَتَرْتَهُ وَ أَنْ تُوَفِّرَ حَظِّي مِنْ كُلِّ خَيْرٍ أَنْزَلْتَهُ [تُنْزِلُهُ‏] أَوْ إِحْسَانٍ فَضَّلْتَهُ [تُفَضِّلُهُ‏] أَوْ بِرٍّ نَشَرْتَهُ [تَنْشُرُهُ‏] أَوْ رِزْقٍ بَسَطْتَهُ [تَبْسُطُهُ‏] أَوْ ذَنْبٍ تَغْفِرُهُ أَوْ خَطَإٍ تَسْتُرُهُ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ يَا إِلَهِي وَ سَيِّدِي وَ مَوْلايَ وَ مَالِكَ رِقِّي يَا مَنْ بِيَدِهِ نَاصِيَتِي يَا عَلِيما بِضُرِّي [بِفَقْرِي‏] وَ مَسْكَنَتِي يَا خَبِيرا بِفَقْرِي وَ فَاقَتِي يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ أَسْأَلُكَ بِحَقِّكَ وَ قُدْسِكَ وَ أَعْظَمِ صِفَاتِكَ وَ أَسْمَائِكَ أَنْ تَجْعَلَ أَوْقَاتِي مِنَ [فِي‏] اللَّيْلِ وَ النَّهَارِ بِذِكْرِكَ مَعْمُورَةً وَ بِخِدْمَتِكَ مَوْصُولَةً وَ أَعْمَالِي عِنْدَكَ مَقْبُولَةً حَتَّى تَكُونَ أَعْمَالِي وَ أَوْرَادِي [إِرَادَتِي‏] كُلُّهَا وِرْدا وَاحِدا وَ حَالِي فِي خِدْمَتِكَ سَرْمَدا يَا سَيِّدِي يَا مَنْ عَلَيْهِ مُعَوَّلِي يَا مَنْ إِلَيْهِ شَكَوْتُ أَحْوَالِي يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ قَوِّ عَلَى خِدْمَتِكَ جَوَارِحِي وَ اشْدُدْ عَلَى الْعَزِيمَةِ جَوَانِحِي وَ هَبْ لِيَ الْجِدَّ فِي خَشْيَتِكَ وَ الدَّوَامَ فِي الاتِّصَالِ بِخِدْمَتِكَ حَتَّى أَسْرَحَ إِلَيْكَ فِي مَيَادِينِ السَّابِقِينَ وَ أُسْرِعَ إِلَيْكَ فِي الْبَارِزِينَ [الْمُبَادِرِينَ‏] وَ أَشْتَاقَ إِلَى قُرْبِكَ فِي الْمُشْتَاقِينَ وَ أَدْنُوَ مِنْكَ دُنُوَّ الْمُخْلِصِينَ وَ أَخَافَكَ مَخَافَةَ الْمُوقِنِينَ وَ أَجْتَمِعَ فِي جِوَارِكَ مَعَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ اللَّهُمَّ وَ مَنْ أَرَادَنِي بِسُوءٍ فَأَرِدْهُ وَ مَنْ كَادَنِي فَكِدْهُ وَ اجْعَلْنِي مِنْ أَحْسَنِ عَبِيدِكَ نَصِيبا عِنْدَكَ وَ أَقْرَبِهِمْ مَنْزِلَةً مِنْكَ وَ أَخَصِّهِمْ زُلْفَةً لَدَيْكَ فَإِنَّهُ لا يُنَالُ ذَلِكَ إِلا بِفَضْلِكَ وَ جُدْ لِي بِجُودِكَ وَ اعْطِفْ عَلَيَّ بِمَجْدِكَ وَ احْفَظْنِي بِرَحْمَتِكَ وَ اجْعَلْ لِسَانِي بِذِكْرِكَ لَهِجا وَ قَلْبِي بِحُبِّكَ مُتَيَّما وَ مُنَّ عَلَيَّ بِحُسْنِ إِجَابَتِكَ وَ أَقِلْنِي عَثْرَتِي وَ اغْفِرْ زَلَّتِي فَإِنَّكَ قَضَيْتَ عَلَى عِبَادِكَ بِعِبَادَتِكَ وَ أَمَرْتَهُمْ بِدُعَائِكَ وَ ضَمِنْتَ لَهُمُ الْإِجَابَةَ فَإِلَيْكَ يَا رَبِّ نَصَبْتُ وَجْهِي وَ إِلَيْكَ يَا رَبِّ مَدَدْتُ يَدِي فَبِعِزَّتِكَ اسْتَجِبْ لِي دُعَائِي وَ بَلِّغْنِي مُنَايَ وَ لا تَقْطَعْ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ رَجَائِي وَ اكْفِنِي شَرَّ الْجِنِّ وَ الْإِنْسِ مِنْ أَعْدَائِي يَا سَرِيعَ الرِّضَا اغْفِرْ لِمَنْ لا يَمْلِكُ إِلا الدُّعَاءَ فَإِنَّكَ فَعَّالٌ لِمَا تَشَاءُ يَا مَنِ اسْمُهُ دَوَاءٌ وَ ذِكْرُهُ شِفَاءٌ وَ طَاعَتُهُ غِنًى ارْحَمْ مَنْ رَأْسُ مَالِهِ الرَّجَاءُ وَ سِلاحُهُ الْبُكَاءُ يَا سَابِغَ النِّعَمِ يَا دَافِعَ النِّقَمِ يَا نُورَ الْمُسْتَوْحِشِينَ فِي الظُّلَمِ يَا عَالِما لا يُعَلَّمُ صَلِّ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ وَ آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ وَ افْعَلْ بِي مَا أَنْتَ أَهْلُهُ وَ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَى رَسُولِهِ وَ الْأَئِمَّةِ الْمَيَامِينِ مِنْ آلِهِ [أَهْلِهِ‏] وَ سَلَّمَ تَسْلِيما [كَثِيرا] 

for some people there is no choice possible.

I always stood up for my belief that happiness is a choice, people quote me for this say 
recently someone quoted "happiness is a choice" while i was around. 
and actually i was board so i gazed into the unknown thinking of my saying

IT has the feel of truth at least to me.
 I know when I'm normal happiness IS a choice.
 It's something I choose to be. I don't let all the little buggy boos in life get me down.
 I choose to be happy and thus I am.

But there are times when that's just impossible.
 When I am deeply depressed, way down there, I am incapable of choosing happiness and even if I could choose it it would mean nothing.
 When I'm way down like that my attention must always be focused on survival. I must keep my attention on making it through.
 I cannot let my focus wonder lest I lose the battle and potentially lose my life.

It's times like this that happiness becomes an unreachable goal. 
For whatever reason, be it situational, a chemical imbalance in my head, or whatever, I am way too far down in the dumps to be able to choose happiness. It's all I can do to survive.
 As much as I long to choose happiness, as much as I try, I find it to be an unreachable goal many times lately.
 The sadness, the darkness, is overwhelming and leaves no room for happiness.


lately i have a feeling that there's something that sucks all the light and life out of me and leaves me unable to make the choice to be happy. 

I just wanted to clarify that. Someone suffering from  depression is simply unable to choose happiness.
 While for the vast majority of us happiness IS a choice, 
for some people there is no choice possible.
 They are not to be faulted for not choosing happiness.
 They would make that choice if at all possible. 
i realized that It just isn't an option for everyone to chose happiness.

being bipolar such an eye opening experience

I am a person who live in the moment but always looking towards the future. 
Sometimes when I'm way down or when I'm running strongly manic the present moment is all I can handle. 
Yet to stay sane I have to look forward to the time when the depression will pass. 
That's not always an easy thing to do. 
When you're up to your neck in alligators it's hard to remember that the initial objective was to drain the swamp. 

It's given me a real respect for life. 
When you so often get lost and don't know where to turn you really grow to value those moments of sanity that may come your way.
 When it seems that you live lost in a sea of insanity, each moment of sanity becomes a precious gift. 
I've learned to value those gifts, those times of sanity, and never to waste them. 
When I can I live life to the fullest because all too often I simply cannot. 

It has indelibly taught me that this too will pass.
 No matter how insane I get, no matter how far down or how wildly manic I get it's only a matter of time until it passes.
 I need only hold on until that time and things will be OK.
 At the time it may seem that I'll never make it but deep inside me I know that if I can just hold on it will pass. 

I've learned not to sweat the moment. 
While at the time it may seem as though my whole life revolves around this one moment, as if my life depends on it, this moment too will pass and the sun will shine once again. Thus I've learned to look beyond the moment to the next, and the one after that, always knowing that if I can just make it until then things will be better. 

It has taught me that no matter how dark things seem there's a future that is so much brighter.
 All you have to do is hang on until that future becomes the present. Sometimes that's a very difficult thing to do but the knowledge that the future is out there, bright and shining, helps me to hole on tight. 

I've learned to recognize and empathize with other's pain.
 I can connect to it, feel it, know it at a gut level. 
As such I am more understanding of others, more patient with them. 
I know their pain and how terrible it is and want to do what I can to alleviate it. 

I has given me a real respect for other's and their pain.
 I can see most of what drives others to live the way they do. 
I find I have a greater understanding of what drives them, what makes them do or say the things they do. It's almost like I can look into their souls and see myself shining back. 

Being bipolar has made me a stronger person. Sure, when I'm way down in the pit I feel weak and all alone. But it's that very feeling that lends me strength.


 I've learned to hold on, to take it one moment at a time, to make it through this moment to the next. If I can just make it through this moment then I can look forward to the time when it'll get better. 
My strength of will has grown, sometimes it's all that holds me together.
 When I'm sane my self respect has grown too.
 How can I fail to respect someone who has successfully made it through the plains of hell? Only I know the torment and pain it has cost me to cross those plains. 

So all in all I think I've been blessed by being cursed with Bipolar. 
It has taught me far more then it's cost me.
 It has made me a better, more understanding, more empathic person. 
It has opened my heart to other's suffering where others will turned their backs. 
It has shown me that we all experience pain and that no matter how "bad" a person you may be you deserve an understanding ear. It has connected me more solidly to my fellow humans. It's through the bipolar that I can feel another's pain, that I can offer a shoulder to lean on and an ear to hear. It has made me a better person.