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مابين الصخرة والصخرة
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أسميته
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دعاء كميل

للَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ بِرَحْمَتِكَ الَّتِي وَسِعَتْ كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِقُوَّتِكَ الَّتِي قَهَرْتَ بِهَا كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ خَضَعَ لَهَا كُلُّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ ذَلَّ لَهَا كُلُّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِجَبَرُوتِكَ الَّتِي غَلَبْتَ بِهَا كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِعِزَّتِكَ الَّتِي لا يَقُومُ لَهَا شَيْ‏ءٌ وَ بِعَظَمَتِكَ الَّتِي مَلَأَتْ كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِسُلْطَانِكَ الَّذِي عَلا كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِوَجْهِكَ الْبَاقِي بَعْدَ فَنَاءِ كُلِّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِأَسْمَائِكَ الَّتِي مَلَأَتْ [غَلَبَتْ‏] أَرْكَانَ كُلِّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِعِلْمِكَ الَّذِي أَحَاطَ بِكُلِّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِنُورِ وَجْهِكَ الَّذِي أَضَاءَ لَهُ كُلُّ شَيْ‏ءٍ يَا نُورُ يَا قُدُّوسُ يَا أَوَّلَ الْأَوَّلِينَ وَ يَا آخِرَ الْآخِرِينَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تَهْتِكُ الْعِصَمَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تُنْزِلُ النِّقَمَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تُغَيِّرُ النِّعَمَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تَحْبِسُ الدُّعَاءَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تُنْزِلُ الْبَلاءَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِي كُلَّ ذَنْبٍ أَذْنَبْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ خَطِيئَةٍ أَخْطَأْتُهَا اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَتَقَرَّبُ إِلَيْكَ بِذِكْرِكَ وَ أَسْتَشْفِعُ بِكَ إِلَى نَفْسِكَ وَ أَسْأَلُكَ بِجُودِكَ أَنْ تُدْنِيَنِي مِنْ قُرْبِكَ وَ أَنْ تُوزِعَنِي شُكْرَكَ وَ أَنْ تُلْهِمَنِي ذِكْرَكَ اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ سُؤَالَ خَاضِعٍ مُتَذَلِّلٍ خَاشِعٍ أَنْ تُسَامِحَنِي وَ تَرْحَمَنِي وَ تَجْعَلَنِي بِقِسْمِكَ رَاضِيا قَانِعا وَ فِي جَمِيعِ الْأَحْوَالِ مُتَوَاضِعا اللَّهُمَّ وَ أَسْأَلُكَ سُؤَالَ مَنِ اشْتَدَّتْ فَاقَتُهُ وَ أَنْزَلَ بِكَ عِنْدَ الشَّدَائِدِ حَاجَتَهُ وَ عَظُمَ فِيمَا عِنْدَكَ رَغْبَتُهُ اللَّهُمَّ عَظُمَ سُلْطَانُكَ وَ عَلا مَكَانُكَ وَ خَفِيَ مَكْرُكَ وَ ظَهَرَ أَمْرُكَ وَ غَلَبَ قَهْرُكَ وَ جَرَتْ قُدْرَتُكَ وَ لا يُمْكِنُ الْفِرَارُ مِنْ حُكُومَتِكَ اللَّهُمَّ لا أَجِدُ لِذُنُوبِي غَافِرا وَ لا لِقَبَائِحِي سَاتِرا وَ لا لِشَيْ‏ءٍ مِنْ عَمَلِيَ الْقَبِيحِ بِالْحَسَنِ مُبَدِّلا غَيْرَكَ لا إِلَهَ إِلا أَنْتَ سُبْحَانَكَ وَ بِحَمْدِكَ ظَلَمْتُ نَفْسِي وَ تَجَرَّأْتُ بِجَهْلِي وَ سَكَنْتُ إِلَى قَدِيمِ ذِكْرِكَ لِي وَ مَنِّكَ عَلَيَّ اللَّهُمَّ مَوْلايَ كَمْ مِنْ قَبِيحٍ سَتَرْتَهُ وَ كَمْ مِنْ فَادِحٍ مِنَ الْبَلاءِ أَقَلْتَهُ [أَمَلْتَهُ‏] وَ كَمْ مِنْ عِثَارٍ وَقَيْتَهُ وَ كَمْ مِنْ مَكْرُوهٍ دَفَعْتَهُ وَ كَمْ مِنْ ثَنَاءٍ جَمِيلٍ لَسْتُ أَهْلا لَهُ نَشَرْتَهُ اللَّهُمَّ عَظُمَ بَلائِي وَ أَفْرَطَ بِي سُوءُ حَالِي وَ قَصُرَتْ [قَصَّرَتْ‏] بِي أَعْمَالِي وَ قَعَدَتْ بِي أَغْلالِي وَ حَبَسَنِي عَنْ نَفْعِي بُعْدُ أَمَلِي [آمَالِي‏] وَ خَدَعَتْنِي الدُّنْيَا بِغُرُورِهَا وَ نَفْسِي بِجِنَايَتِهَا [بِخِيَانَتِهَا] وَ مِطَالِي يَا سَيِّدِي فَأَسْأَلُكَ بِعِزَّتِكَ أَنْ لا يَحْجُبَ عَنْكَ دُعَائِي سُوءُ عَمَلِي وَ فِعَالِي وَ لا تَفْضَحْنِي بِخَفِيِّ مَا اطَّلَعْتَ عَلَيْهِ مِنْ سِرِّي وَ لا تُعَاجِلْنِي بِالْعُقُوبَةِ عَلَى مَا عَمِلْتُهُ فِي خَلَوَاتِي مِنْ سُوءِ فِعْلِي وَ إِسَاءَتِي وَ دَوَامِ تَفْرِيطِي وَ جَهَالَتِي وَ كَثْرَةِ شَهَوَاتِي وَ غَفْلَتِي وَ كُنِ اللَّهُمَّ بِعِزَّتِكَ لِي فِي كُلِّ الْأَحْوَالِ [فِي الْأَحْوَالِ كُلِّهَا] رَءُوفا وَ عَلَيَّ فِي جَمِيعِ الْأُمُورِ عَطُوفا إِلَهِي وَ رَبِّي مَنْ لِي غَيْرُكَ أَسْأَلُهُ كَشْفَ ضُرِّي وَ النَّظَرَ فِي أَمْرِي إِلَهِي وَ مَوْلايَ أَجْرَيْتَ عَلَيَّ حُكْما اتَّبَعْتُ فِيهِ هَوَى نَفْسِي وَ لَمْ أَحْتَرِسْ فِيهِ مِنْ تَزْيِينِ عَدُوِّي فَغَرَّنِي بِمَا أَهْوَى وَ أَسْعَدَهُ عَلَى ذَلِكَ الْقَضَاءُ فَتَجَاوَزْتُ بِمَا جَرَى عَلَيَّ مِنْ ذَلِكَ بَعْضَ [مِنْ نَقْضِ‏] حُدُودِكَ وَ خَالَفْتُ بَعْضَ أَوَامِرِكَ فَلَكَ الْحَمْدُ [الْحُجَّةُ] عَلَيَّ فِي جَمِيعِ ذَلِكَ وَ لا حُجَّةَ لِي فِيمَا جَرَى عَلَيَّ فِيهِ قَضَاؤُكَ وَ أَلْزَمَنِي حُكْمُكَ وَ بَلاؤُكَ وَ قَدْ أَتَيْتُكَ يَا إِلَهِي بَعْدَ تَقْصِيرِي وَ إِسْرَافِي عَلَى نَفْسِي مُعْتَذِرا نَادِما مُنْكَسِرا مُسْتَقِيلا مُسْتَغْفِرا مُنِيبا مُقِرّا مُذْعِنا مُعْتَرِفا لا أَجِدُ مَفَرّا مِمَّا كَانَ مِنِّي وَ لا مَفْزَعا أَتَوَجَّهُ إِلَيْهِ فِي أَمْرِي غَيْرَ قَبُولِكَ عُذْرِي وَ إِدْخَالِكَ إِيَّايَ فِي سَعَةِ [سَعَةٍ مِنْ‏] رَحْمَتِكَ اللَّهُمَّ [إِلَهِي‏] فَاقْبَلْ عُذْرِي وَ ارْحَمْ شِدَّةَ ضُرِّي وَ فُكَّنِي مِنْ شَدِّ وَثَاقِي يَا رَبِّ ارْحَمْ ضَعْفَ بَدَنِي وَ رِقَّةَ جِلْدِي وَ دِقَّةَ عَظْمِي يَا مَنْ بَدَأَ خَلْقِي وَ ذِكْرِي وَ تَرْبِيَتِي وَ بِرِّي وَ تَغْذِيَتِي هَبْنِي لابْتِدَاءِ كَرَمِكَ وَ سَالِفِ بِرِّكَ بِي يَا إِلَهِي وَ سَيِّدِي وَ رَبِّي أَ تُرَاكَ مُعَذِّبِي بِنَارِكَ بَعْدَ تَوْحِيدِكَ وَ بَعْدَ مَا انْطَوَى عَلَيْهِ قَلْبِي مِنْ مَعْرِفَتِكَ وَ لَهِجَ بِهِ لِسَانِي مِنْ ذِكْرِكَ وَ اعْتَقَدَهُ ضَمِيرِي مِنْ حُبِّكَ وَ بَعْدَ صِدْقِ اعْتِرَافِي وَ دُعَائِي خَاضِعا لِرُبُوبِيَّتِكَ هَيْهَاتَ أَنْتَ أَكْرَمُ مِنْ أَنْ تُضَيِّعَ مَنْ رَبَّيْتَهُ أَوْ تُبْعِدَ [تُبَعِّدَ] مَنْ أَدْنَيْتَهُ أَوْ تُشَرِّدَ مَنْ آوَيْتَهُ أَوْ تُسَلِّمَ إِلَى الْبَلاءِ مَنْ كَفَيْتَهُ وَ رَحِمْتَهُ وَ لَيْتَ شِعْرِي يَا سَيِّدِي وَ إِلَهِي وَ مَوْلايَ أَ تُسَلِّطُ النَّارَ عَلَى وُجُوهٍ خَرَّتْ لِعَظَمَتِكَ سَاجِدَةً وَ عَلَى أَلْسُنٍ نَطَقَتْ بِتَوْحِيدِكَ صَادِقَةً وَ بِشُكْرِكَ مَادِحَةً وَ عَلَى قُلُوبٍ اعْتَرَفَتْ بِإِلَهِيَّتِكَ مُحَقِّقَةً وَ عَلَى ضَمَائِرَ حَوَتْ مِنَ الْعِلْمِ بِكَ حَتَّى صَارَتْ خَاشِعَةً وَ عَلَى جَوَارِحَ سَعَتْ إِلَى أَوْطَانِ تَعَبُّدِكَ طَائِعَةً وَ أَشَارَتْ بِاسْتِغْفَارِكَ مُذْعِنَةً مَا هَكَذَا الظَّنُّ بِكَ وَ لا أُخْبِرْنَا بِفَضْلِكَ عَنْكَ يَا كَرِيمُ يَا رَبِّ وَ أَنْتَ تَعْلَمُ ضَعْفِي عَنْ قَلِيلٍ مِنْ بَلاءِ الدُّنْيَا وَ عُقُوبَاتِهَا وَ مَا يَجْرِي فِيهَا مِنَ الْمَكَارِهِ عَلَى أَهْلِهَا عَلَى أَنَّ ذَلِكَ بَلاءٌ وَ مَكْرُوهٌ قَلِيلٌ مَكْثُهُ يَسِيرٌ بَقَاؤُهُ قَصِيرٌ مُدَّتُهُ فَكَيْفَ احْتِمَالِي لِبَلاءِ الْآخِرَةِ وَ جَلِيلِ [حُلُولِ‏] وُقُوعِ الْمَكَارِهِ فِيهَا وَ هُوَ بَلاءٌ تَطُولُ مُدَّتُهُ وَ يَدُومُ مَقَامُهُ وَ لا يُخَفَّفُ عَنْ أَهْلِهِ لِأَنَّهُ لا يَكُونُ إِلا عَنْ غَضَبِكَ وَ انْتِقَامِكَ وَ سَخَطِكَ وَ هَذَا مَا لا تَقُومُ لَهُ السَّمَاوَاتُ وَ الْأَرْضُ يَا سَيِّدِي فَكَيْفَ لِي [بِي‏] وَ أَنَا عَبْدُكَ الضَّعِيفُ الذَّلِيلُ الْحَقِيرُ الْمِسْكِينُ الْمُسْتَكِينُ يَا إِلَهِي وَ رَبِّي وَ سَيِّدِي وَ مَوْلايَ لِأَيِّ الْأُمُورِ إِلَيْكَ أَشْكُو وَ لِمَا مِنْهَا أَضِجُّ وَ أَبْكِي لِأَلِيمِ الْعَذَابِ وَ شِدَّتِهِ أَمْ لِطُولِ الْبَلاءِ وَ مُدَّتِهِ فَلَئِنْ صَيَّرْتَنِي لِلْعُقُوبَاتِ مَعَ أَعْدَائِكَ وَ جَمَعْتَ بَيْنِي وَ بَيْنَ أَهْلِ بَلائِكَ وَ فَرَّقْتَ بَيْنِي وَ بَيْنَ أَحِبَّائِكَ وَ أَوْلِيَائِكَ فَهَبْنِي يَا إِلَهِي وَ سَيِّدِي وَ مَوْلايَ وَ رَبِّي صَبَرْتُ عَلَى عَذَابِكَ فَكَيْفَ أَصْبِرُ عَلَى فِرَاقِكَ وَ هَبْنِي [يَا إِلَهِي‏] صَبَرْتُ عَلَى حَرِّ نَارِكَ فَكَيْفَ أَصْبِرُ عَنِ النَّظَرِ إِلَى كَرَامَتِكَ أَمْ كَيْفَ أَسْكُنُ فِي النَّارِ وَ رَجَائِي عَفْوُكَ فَبِعِزَّتِكَ يَا سَيِّدِي وَ مَوْلايَ أُقْسِمُ صَادِقا لَئِنْ تَرَكْتَنِي نَاطِقا لَأَضِجَّنَّ إِلَيْكَ بَيْنَ أَهْلِهَا ضَجِيجَ الْآمِلِينَ [الْآلِمِينَ‏] وَ لَأَصْرُخَنَّ إِلَيْكَ صُرَاخَ الْمُسْتَصْرِخِينَ وَ لَأَبْكِيَنَّ عَلَيْكَ بُكَاءَ الْفَاقِدِينَ وَ لَأُنَادِيَنَّكَ أَيْنَ كُنْتَ يَا وَلِيَّ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَا غَايَةَ آمَالِ الْعَارِفِينَ يَا غِيَاثَ الْمُسْتَغِيثِينَ يَا حَبِيبَ قُلُوبِ الصَّادِقِينَ وَ يَا إِلَهَ الْعَالَمِينَ أَ فَتُرَاكَ سُبْحَانَكَ يَا إِلَهِي وَ بِحَمْدِكَ تَسْمَعُ فِيهَا صَوْتَ عَبْدٍ مُسْلِمٍ سُجِنَ [يُسْجَنُ‏] فِيهَا بِمُخَالَفَتِهِ وَ ذَاقَ طَعْمَ عَذَابِهَا بِمَعْصِيَتِهِ وَ حُبِسَ بَيْنَ أَطْبَاقِهَا بِجُرْمِهِ وَ جَرِيرَتِهِ وَ هُوَ يَضِجُّ إِلَيْكَ ضَجِيجَ مُؤَمِّلٍ لِرَحْمَتِكَ وَ يُنَادِيكَ بِلِسَانِ أَهْلِ تَوْحِيدِكَ وَ يَتَوَسَّلُ إِلَيْكَ بِرُبُوبِيَّتِكَ يَا مَوْلايَ فَكَيْفَ يَبْقَى فِي الْعَذَابِ وَ هُوَ يَرْجُو مَا سَلَفَ مِنْ حِلْمِكَ أَمْ كَيْفَ تُؤْلِمُهُ النَّارُ وَ هُوَ يَأْمُلُ فَضْلَكَ وَ رَحْمَتَكَ أَمْ كَيْفَ يُحْرِقُهُ لَهِيبُهَا وَ أَنْتَ تَسْمَعُ صَوْتَهُ وَ تَرَى مَكَانَهُ أَمْ كَيْفَ يَشْتَمِلُ عَلَيْهِ زَفِيرُهَا وَ أَنْتَ تَعْلَمُ ضَعْفَهُ أَمْ كَيْفَ يَتَقَلْقَلُ بَيْنَ أَطْبَاقِهَا وَ أَنْتَ تَعْلَمُ صِدْقَهُ أَمْ كَيْفَ تَزْجُرُهُ زَبَانِيَتُهَا وَ هُوَ يُنَادِيكَ يَا رَبَّهْ أَمْ كَيْفَ يَرْجُو فَضْلَكَ فِي عِتْقِهِ مِنْهَا فَتَتْرُكُهُ [فَتَتْرُكَهُ‏] فِيهَا هَيْهَاتَ مَا ذَلِكَ الظَّنُّ بِكَ وَ لا الْمَعْرُوفُ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ وَ لا مُشْبِهٌ لِمَا عَامَلْتَ بِهِ الْمُوَحِّدِينَ مِنْ بِرِّكَ وَ إِحْسَانِكَ فَبِالْيَقِينِ أَقْطَعُ لَوْ لا مَا حَكَمْتَ بِهِ مِنْ تَعْذِيبِ جَاحِدِيكَ وَ قَضَيْتَ بِهِ مِنْ إِخْلادِ مُعَانِدِيكَ لَجَعَلْتَ النَّارَ كُلَّهَا بَرْدا وَ سَلاما وَ مَا كَانَ [كَانَتْ‏] لِأَحَدٍ فِيهَا مَقَرّا وَ لا مُقَاما [مَقَاما] لَكِنَّكَ تَقَدَّسَتْ أَسْمَاؤُكَ أَقْسَمْتَ أَنْ تَمْلَأَهَا مِنَ الْكَافِرِينَ مِنَ الْجِنَّةِ وَ النَّاسِ أَجْمَعِينَ وَ أَنْ تُخَلِّدَ فِيهَا الْمُعَانِدِينَ وَ أَنْتَ جَلَّ ثَنَاؤُكَ قُلْتَ مُبْتَدِئا وَ تَطَوَّلْتَ بِالْإِنْعَامِ مُتَكَرِّما أَ فَمَنْ كَانَ مُؤْمِنا كَمَنْ كَانَ فَاسِقا لا يَسْتَوُونَ إِلَهِي وَ سَيِّدِي فَأَسْأَلُكَ بِالْقُدْرَةِ الَّتِي قَدَّرْتَهَا وَ بِالْقَضِيَّةِ الَّتِي حَتَمْتَهَا وَ حَكَمْتَهَا وَ غَلَبْتَ مَنْ عَلَيْهِ أَجْرَيْتَهَا أَنْ تَهَبَ لِي فِي هَذِهِ اللَّيْلَةِ وَ فِي هَذِهِ السَّاعَةِ كُلَّ جُرْمٍ أَجْرَمْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ ذَنْبٍ أَذْنَبْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ قَبِيحٍ أَسْرَرْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ جَهْلٍ عَمِلْتُهُ كَتَمْتُهُ أَوْ أَعْلَنْتُهُ أَخْفَيْتُهُ أَوْ أَظْهَرْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ سَيِّئَةٍ أَمَرْتَ بِإِثْبَاتِهَا الْكِرَامَ الْكَاتِبِينَ الَّذِينَ وَكَّلْتَهُمْ بِحِفْظِ مَا يَكُونُ مِنِّي وَ جَعَلْتَهُمْ شُهُودا عَلَيَّ مَعَ جَوَارِحِي وَ كُنْتَ أَنْتَ الرَّقِيبَ عَلَيَّ مِنْ وَرَائِهِمْ وَ الشَّاهِدَ لِمَا خَفِيَ عَنْهُمْ وَ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَخْفَيْتَهُ وَ بِفَضْلِكَ سَتَرْتَهُ وَ أَنْ تُوَفِّرَ حَظِّي مِنْ كُلِّ خَيْرٍ أَنْزَلْتَهُ [تُنْزِلُهُ‏] أَوْ إِحْسَانٍ فَضَّلْتَهُ [تُفَضِّلُهُ‏] أَوْ بِرٍّ نَشَرْتَهُ [تَنْشُرُهُ‏] أَوْ رِزْقٍ بَسَطْتَهُ [تَبْسُطُهُ‏] أَوْ ذَنْبٍ تَغْفِرُهُ أَوْ خَطَإٍ تَسْتُرُهُ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ يَا إِلَهِي وَ سَيِّدِي وَ مَوْلايَ وَ مَالِكَ رِقِّي يَا مَنْ بِيَدِهِ نَاصِيَتِي يَا عَلِيما بِضُرِّي [بِفَقْرِي‏] وَ مَسْكَنَتِي يَا خَبِيرا بِفَقْرِي وَ فَاقَتِي يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ أَسْأَلُكَ بِحَقِّكَ وَ قُدْسِكَ وَ أَعْظَمِ صِفَاتِكَ وَ أَسْمَائِكَ أَنْ تَجْعَلَ أَوْقَاتِي مِنَ [فِي‏] اللَّيْلِ وَ النَّهَارِ بِذِكْرِكَ مَعْمُورَةً وَ بِخِدْمَتِكَ مَوْصُولَةً وَ أَعْمَالِي عِنْدَكَ مَقْبُولَةً حَتَّى تَكُونَ أَعْمَالِي وَ أَوْرَادِي [إِرَادَتِي‏] كُلُّهَا وِرْدا وَاحِدا وَ حَالِي فِي خِدْمَتِكَ سَرْمَدا يَا سَيِّدِي يَا مَنْ عَلَيْهِ مُعَوَّلِي يَا مَنْ إِلَيْهِ شَكَوْتُ أَحْوَالِي يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ قَوِّ عَلَى خِدْمَتِكَ جَوَارِحِي وَ اشْدُدْ عَلَى الْعَزِيمَةِ جَوَانِحِي وَ هَبْ لِيَ الْجِدَّ فِي خَشْيَتِكَ وَ الدَّوَامَ فِي الاتِّصَالِ بِخِدْمَتِكَ حَتَّى أَسْرَحَ إِلَيْكَ فِي مَيَادِينِ السَّابِقِينَ وَ أُسْرِعَ إِلَيْكَ فِي الْبَارِزِينَ [الْمُبَادِرِينَ‏] وَ أَشْتَاقَ إِلَى قُرْبِكَ فِي الْمُشْتَاقِينَ وَ أَدْنُوَ مِنْكَ دُنُوَّ الْمُخْلِصِينَ وَ أَخَافَكَ مَخَافَةَ الْمُوقِنِينَ وَ أَجْتَمِعَ فِي جِوَارِكَ مَعَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ اللَّهُمَّ وَ مَنْ أَرَادَنِي بِسُوءٍ فَأَرِدْهُ وَ مَنْ كَادَنِي فَكِدْهُ وَ اجْعَلْنِي مِنْ أَحْسَنِ عَبِيدِكَ نَصِيبا عِنْدَكَ وَ أَقْرَبِهِمْ مَنْزِلَةً مِنْكَ وَ أَخَصِّهِمْ زُلْفَةً لَدَيْكَ فَإِنَّهُ لا يُنَالُ ذَلِكَ إِلا بِفَضْلِكَ وَ جُدْ لِي بِجُودِكَ وَ اعْطِفْ عَلَيَّ بِمَجْدِكَ وَ احْفَظْنِي بِرَحْمَتِكَ وَ اجْعَلْ لِسَانِي بِذِكْرِكَ لَهِجا وَ قَلْبِي بِحُبِّكَ مُتَيَّما وَ مُنَّ عَلَيَّ بِحُسْنِ إِجَابَتِكَ وَ أَقِلْنِي عَثْرَتِي وَ اغْفِرْ زَلَّتِي فَإِنَّكَ قَضَيْتَ عَلَى عِبَادِكَ بِعِبَادَتِكَ وَ أَمَرْتَهُمْ بِدُعَائِكَ وَ ضَمِنْتَ لَهُمُ الْإِجَابَةَ فَإِلَيْكَ يَا رَبِّ نَصَبْتُ وَجْهِي وَ إِلَيْكَ يَا رَبِّ مَدَدْتُ يَدِي فَبِعِزَّتِكَ اسْتَجِبْ لِي دُعَائِي وَ بَلِّغْنِي مُنَايَ وَ لا تَقْطَعْ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ رَجَائِي وَ اكْفِنِي شَرَّ الْجِنِّ وَ الْإِنْسِ مِنْ أَعْدَائِي يَا سَرِيعَ الرِّضَا اغْفِرْ لِمَنْ لا يَمْلِكُ إِلا الدُّعَاءَ فَإِنَّكَ فَعَّالٌ لِمَا تَشَاءُ يَا مَنِ اسْمُهُ دَوَاءٌ وَ ذِكْرُهُ شِفَاءٌ وَ طَاعَتُهُ غِنًى ارْحَمْ مَنْ رَأْسُ مَالِهِ الرَّجَاءُ وَ سِلاحُهُ الْبُكَاءُ يَا سَابِغَ النِّعَمِ يَا دَافِعَ النِّقَمِ يَا نُورَ الْمُسْتَوْحِشِينَ فِي الظُّلَمِ يَا عَالِما لا يُعَلَّمُ صَلِّ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ وَ آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ وَ افْعَلْ بِي مَا أَنْتَ أَهْلُهُ وَ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَى رَسُولِهِ وَ الْأَئِمَّةِ الْمَيَامِينِ مِنْ آلِهِ [أَهْلِهِ‏] وَ سَلَّمَ تَسْلِيما [كَثِيرا] 

wuthering heights

this line from the great novel wuthering heights keeps pumping in my head today:- 

"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger."

-----

sigh

to the son i never had with love

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now --
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.


~ ~Langston Hughes ~ ~

of a piece of me that no longer lives and mutual memories

it has been 2 years I think since the "mozy" story, we haven't seen each other since September eleven 2010

That's totally fine with me, or at least that what I think.!!

I have met a couple new good, caring great friends, I have gone into a new career, meet new people, different mentalities, discovered new places that totally took my mind of, my health has never been better, anybody that sees me talks about how shiny and comforted my face look, and last year I actually achieved all the plans I planed to do in 2010 and I am grateful for all this, I seriously am

So what's wrong with me?

 Since two years I have never felt so happy, kind of happy like feeling you are flying, kind of happy like waiting for tomorrow to come this kind of happy that disappeared from my life

No longer excited about anything, I'm living like a shadow of me,

a heartless, mindless shadow of me

That didn't favorite a song, liked a piece of music, give a thumb up for a good romantic comedy , came up with one of those thoughts that used to keep people thinking and sleepless for days, write a post in this blog

With half the depth, the me type of posts as I used to write

Only thing I wrote lately was comments on books that I read, and for unknown reason reading is all I have been doing, well I have been watching too, just standing unnoticed in the background of life looking at people, at things, taking notes

Yet I don't have any clue why am I doing so, I feel I am hiding but I don't know from what, I feel I am lonely but its my doing only and it doesn't matter anymore.

I feel empty, and its rally frustrating , there's this thing that’s missing within me, the thing that gives meaning for life and living and I don't know what it is that I lost!?

Reason why I mentioned "mozy" in the beginning of this post is a saying I don't remember where I heard it or whom I heard it from, but I remember it says:

 "when you truly love someone you gave them a piece of you".

 so I loved him and I gave him a piece of me and he took it away and now something in me is missing, that’s the only explanation I have and no I don't feel the same way about him as I did before, actually I don't feel anything towards him right now, not love nor hate.!!

 Am I trapped in the past refusing to move into new expectations, new stories?

Hell no I'm not, I moved on, I am sure I did,

 yet to be completely honest there are things that still his, words, places, actions, stuff ,ect

Is it hunting me?

No its not, its just mutual memories that’s all

I am not getting anywhere from this post, why do all I say/think seems fuzzy, meaningless tough shit???!!!

 no ending 

prayer from today

ربي إن كآنت آلدنيآ متعبة لي فألهمني آلصبر حتى أغآدرها إليك . . وآجعل خآتمتي من أفضل أعمآلي . . وآقضني إليك وأنت قد طهرتني من ذنوبي

stolen thoughts

"The sense of unhappiness is so much easier to convey than that of happiness. In misery we seem aware of our own existence, even though it may be in the form of a monstrous egotism: this pain of mine is individual, this nerve that winces belong to me and to no other. But happiness annihilates us: we lose our identity."

~ Graham Greene, The End of the Affair

al bo7tory says

أُلامُ على هواكِ وليس عدلاً إذا أحببْتُ مثلَكِ أنْ أُلامَا

al motanaby says

فليتَ هوى الأحبة كان عدلاً فحمّلَ كلَّ قلبٍ ما أطاقا

prayer from today

الهي ان اعطيتني قبلت وان منعتني رضيت وان تركتني دعوت وان دعوتني اجبت فاعطني الهي ما اريد فان لم تعطني ما اريد فارزقني القناعه بم تريد

just a prayer

Dear God,

would you please show me a sign to make me believe that this nostalgia will fade away one day,

and if not would you please consider blessing me with the blessing of forgetting, 

and if not would you please take away my heart from me i don't wanna feel anymore.!!

thanks in advanced

me 

About a scarred heart..

they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

but they never mentioned that to get stronger, you have to be killed inside..!

A heart always heals.. 

so it can get hurt again.

Hurts that leave scars.
Scars to remind you ! 

Remind you of what you can never forget.
Scars to let you know how strong you've become !!

And when you finally feel strong enough,You realize that you never actually needed strength !

All you need is a living memory to remind you that you are still alive in the times you feel so dead !

Souls trapped in dead selves,chased by memories..

When the world goes around and only your clock stops,You find yourself frozen in time,alone.

You try to escape to never land...

Walking in passages surrounded by smoke ,

everything is so clear,you look, you see, you smile,it's dark..

but it's your picture perfect !

You reach for your voice ,but talking is too painful, listening to your own voice aches !
Aching inside with every echo..!

You are never sober ,but always awake, always aware..

 You die in the most times you are living

Fight for a breath when all you inhale is smoke.
 

You listen to songs in your head, The lyrics all make sense now,you're seeing what you've never seen before !
You're looking at yourself,a stranger !
Someone you don't know.. 

 "HI,have we met? 

why do you look so familiar to me?"
 

In times you can never recognize your own self anymore..
 

Everything seems so horrible, 

so meaningless so you search for ways to lose yourself even more
in order to not be able to realize the fact of losing it long ago..

shattered away..in million pieces of me !

this is my religion

i believe in the sun 
even if its not shining,
i believe in the light
even when i'm pulled  into darkness,
i believe in love
even if i were alone
i believe 
i believe in God
even when he put me in a situation
that i don't get the reason
for putting me in 
with my limited knowledge,
and lastly 
and above all the previous things that i mentioned 
i believe in God even when he's silent, 
even when i'm too destructed to listen.

Life goes on... and so will mine!

this quote has been lately moving around facebook "Life in three words; it goes on"

well, i already know that.

 I always did. In fact, I've always depended on that fact; knowing that eventually life goes on, as in not wait for me, as in, time will pass regardless of me doing or not doing anything with it.

yet as much as this fact is comforting in itself, people like myself , control-freaks, and analyzers find it hard to accept in some ways.

 Meaning, life will go on without my intervention, oh my God!

 What will it turn out like? 

What can I do about that?

 How can I make sure that it goes on in the direction I want?

 All these questions are basically answered negatively. This for a person like myself, kills me!

I faced my demons last night, how much I need to let go of the illusion of control that I give myself. 

I've been holding on to the past so hard, refusing to give life a chance to go on.

 I thought I couldn't let go.

 This whole letting go issue is really difficult for me.

 Really.

 You know those trust games where you're supposed to close your eyes and let yourself fall, knowing that your partner will catch you? I'd never do it, never did, never will! 

I can't consciously let go.

 I'm trying though, which brings us to the point I was trying to say.

 After all the events that I have been through lately I've been torn between wanting to let go and wanting to hold on to the memories, I took some physical steps but didn't take any emotional ones.

 Then I realized, everyone else's life goes on, perhaps except mine, cause I'm not letting it.

 My friend's lives are going out according to their plan/preferences, my family are having their life according to their carefully calculated plan, prince charming has his life going in the direction he wants,

 God, even the enemy's life is getting better.

 It's only my life that's not, or at least doesn't seem to be.

 Maybe because I am holding on to the past since I don't have a plan for the future. 

Again I get side-tracked.

 The point is, I am trying to let go of the past, trying to give life a chance to go on, trying to be optimistic about the future and be the sunshine person I used to be.

 It won't be easy, as my nostalgia struck and my brain dumb moments will come between me and letting go, but one thing for sure life goes on and its time for mine to goon too

yes i can post bla bla blahs here, its my blog !!

the intro:
you know that in real life there's rarely happily ever afters, in real life there's barely after,, never after, since after but rarely if never ever after  :s


the realization: 
there's no fairy tales in real life ,its just useless stories that have been stuffed into our brains, so just believe me and move over it because noone will come in a shining armer and a white horse to save anyone, and none is gonna come back from the dead by a kiss from a handsome prince
in real life its dark , messy, and cruel.  


the thought
if you're waiting for the universe to pity you, you are wasting your time, because the universe spins and spins and don't give a damn about whom is whining or whom is laughing.!!


the conclusion:
life is not fair, but who said it's,
 shit happens all the time and there's nothing i can do about but accept it ..


the approach:
i wanna miraculously change myself into a cheerful person again, 
i have no idea how i'm gonna do it, but i really miss feeling
happy so much, 
i miss enjoying things like a good conversation on the phone with a friend 
without being disturbed by a recalled memory that once happened
 i miss enjoying an outing without thoughts spinning in my head
i miss fixing my hair, and looking all trendy and stylish
.....
the confession:
i am admitting the fact that i'm alone
 and i must love/like me now for me not for what i resemble , give or do for anyone   
i am free so i just have to stop imagining that i'm still living in that bubble 
it is over
and i am done here
me.

confessions

most of the times i don’t get what i want, instead i get what i'm supposed to have by whatever you call it fate, destiny, God...
 the question is this Fair enough?
i was content and an acceptant person for the past 27 years to whatever i get to have and whatever i get depraved of 
yet this time i feel trapped !!
 stuck in a fragile bubble,
 numbed, unable to move backwards or forward
so  
last night i sat and pray for destiny, fate ,God to leave me alone, and  just for once let me have what i desire to have..

FYI

i cross my heart and hope to die if i ever let anybody into my life or fall in love ever again..

Neil Gaiman knocks me out again in

(to listen to this beauty go to http://www.myspace.com/perilyons) I Google you late at night when I don’t know what to do I find photos you’ve forgotten you were in put up by your friends I Google you when the day is done and everything is through I read your journal that you kept that month in France I’ve watched you dance And I’m pleased your name is practically unique it’s only you and a would-be PhD in Chesapeake who writes papers on the structure of the sun I’ve read each one I know that I should let you fade but there’s that box and there’s your name somehow it never makes the pain grow less or fade or disappear I think that I should save my soul and I should crawl back in my hole But it’s too easy just to fold and type your name again I fear I google you Whenever I’m alone and feeling blue And each scrap of information That I gather says you’ve got somebody new And it really shouldn’t matter ought to blow up my computer but instead…. I google you

back then Love was not a sin

back then Love was not a sin Now I still don't know Things that might have been If I told you so If I could begin But only instead of words Was my useless grin On the moment that I saw you Love was in the air In your eyes And in your hair You're my "opium of the masses" Chasing me everywhere Any day without you Was just a long nightmare Was I too tall for you? Or maybe too thin? In my dreams I fought the world For the heart I'd hoped to win For a look into your eyes For a kiss on your lovely skin a Year have passed and I'm still thinking Of all what could have been I'd fight the world for you And I know I'll win the fight My reward would be a smile That makes my life so bright What might have been I'll know Now it must be, not just might back then Love was not a sin...

A quote from the Bible

(no, am not Christian, but noone said i had to be Christian to quote it! I just love this wisdom i will paste For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal a time to break down, and a time to build up a time to weep, and a time to laugh a time to mourn, and a time to dance a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing a time to seek, and a time to lose a time to keep, and a time to cast away a time to tear, and a time to sew a time to keep silence and a time to speak a time to love, and a time to hate a time for war, and a time for peace. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8