دعاء كميل

للَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ بِرَحْمَتِكَ الَّتِي وَسِعَتْ كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِقُوَّتِكَ الَّتِي قَهَرْتَ بِهَا كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ خَضَعَ لَهَا كُلُّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ ذَلَّ لَهَا كُلُّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِجَبَرُوتِكَ الَّتِي غَلَبْتَ بِهَا كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِعِزَّتِكَ الَّتِي لا يَقُومُ لَهَا شَيْ‏ءٌ وَ بِعَظَمَتِكَ الَّتِي مَلَأَتْ كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِسُلْطَانِكَ الَّذِي عَلا كُلَّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِوَجْهِكَ الْبَاقِي بَعْدَ فَنَاءِ كُلِّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِأَسْمَائِكَ الَّتِي مَلَأَتْ [غَلَبَتْ‏] أَرْكَانَ كُلِّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِعِلْمِكَ الَّذِي أَحَاطَ بِكُلِّ شَيْ‏ءٍ وَ بِنُورِ وَجْهِكَ الَّذِي أَضَاءَ لَهُ كُلُّ شَيْ‏ءٍ يَا نُورُ يَا قُدُّوسُ يَا أَوَّلَ الْأَوَّلِينَ وَ يَا آخِرَ الْآخِرِينَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تَهْتِكُ الْعِصَمَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تُنْزِلُ النِّقَمَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تُغَيِّرُ النِّعَمَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تَحْبِسُ الدُّعَاءَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيَ الذُّنُوبَ الَّتِي تُنْزِلُ الْبَلاءَ اللَّهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِي كُلَّ ذَنْبٍ أَذْنَبْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ خَطِيئَةٍ أَخْطَأْتُهَا اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَتَقَرَّبُ إِلَيْكَ بِذِكْرِكَ وَ أَسْتَشْفِعُ بِكَ إِلَى نَفْسِكَ وَ أَسْأَلُكَ بِجُودِكَ أَنْ تُدْنِيَنِي مِنْ قُرْبِكَ وَ أَنْ تُوزِعَنِي شُكْرَكَ وَ أَنْ تُلْهِمَنِي ذِكْرَكَ اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ سُؤَالَ خَاضِعٍ مُتَذَلِّلٍ خَاشِعٍ أَنْ تُسَامِحَنِي وَ تَرْحَمَنِي وَ تَجْعَلَنِي بِقِسْمِكَ رَاضِيا قَانِعا وَ فِي جَمِيعِ الْأَحْوَالِ مُتَوَاضِعا اللَّهُمَّ وَ أَسْأَلُكَ سُؤَالَ مَنِ اشْتَدَّتْ فَاقَتُهُ وَ أَنْزَلَ بِكَ عِنْدَ الشَّدَائِدِ حَاجَتَهُ وَ عَظُمَ فِيمَا عِنْدَكَ رَغْبَتُهُ اللَّهُمَّ عَظُمَ سُلْطَانُكَ وَ عَلا مَكَانُكَ وَ خَفِيَ مَكْرُكَ وَ ظَهَرَ أَمْرُكَ وَ غَلَبَ قَهْرُكَ وَ جَرَتْ قُدْرَتُكَ وَ لا يُمْكِنُ الْفِرَارُ مِنْ حُكُومَتِكَ اللَّهُمَّ لا أَجِدُ لِذُنُوبِي غَافِرا وَ لا لِقَبَائِحِي سَاتِرا وَ لا لِشَيْ‏ءٍ مِنْ عَمَلِيَ الْقَبِيحِ بِالْحَسَنِ مُبَدِّلا غَيْرَكَ لا إِلَهَ إِلا أَنْتَ سُبْحَانَكَ وَ بِحَمْدِكَ ظَلَمْتُ نَفْسِي وَ تَجَرَّأْتُ بِجَهْلِي وَ سَكَنْتُ إِلَى قَدِيمِ ذِكْرِكَ لِي وَ مَنِّكَ عَلَيَّ اللَّهُمَّ مَوْلايَ كَمْ مِنْ قَبِيحٍ سَتَرْتَهُ وَ كَمْ مِنْ فَادِحٍ مِنَ الْبَلاءِ أَقَلْتَهُ [أَمَلْتَهُ‏] وَ كَمْ مِنْ عِثَارٍ وَقَيْتَهُ وَ كَمْ مِنْ مَكْرُوهٍ دَفَعْتَهُ وَ كَمْ مِنْ ثَنَاءٍ جَمِيلٍ لَسْتُ أَهْلا لَهُ نَشَرْتَهُ اللَّهُمَّ عَظُمَ بَلائِي وَ أَفْرَطَ بِي سُوءُ حَالِي وَ قَصُرَتْ [قَصَّرَتْ‏] بِي أَعْمَالِي وَ قَعَدَتْ بِي أَغْلالِي وَ حَبَسَنِي عَنْ نَفْعِي بُعْدُ أَمَلِي [آمَالِي‏] وَ خَدَعَتْنِي الدُّنْيَا بِغُرُورِهَا وَ نَفْسِي بِجِنَايَتِهَا [بِخِيَانَتِهَا] وَ مِطَالِي يَا سَيِّدِي فَأَسْأَلُكَ بِعِزَّتِكَ أَنْ لا يَحْجُبَ عَنْكَ دُعَائِي سُوءُ عَمَلِي وَ فِعَالِي وَ لا تَفْضَحْنِي بِخَفِيِّ مَا اطَّلَعْتَ عَلَيْهِ مِنْ سِرِّي وَ لا تُعَاجِلْنِي بِالْعُقُوبَةِ عَلَى مَا عَمِلْتُهُ فِي خَلَوَاتِي مِنْ سُوءِ فِعْلِي وَ إِسَاءَتِي وَ دَوَامِ تَفْرِيطِي وَ جَهَالَتِي وَ كَثْرَةِ شَهَوَاتِي وَ غَفْلَتِي وَ كُنِ اللَّهُمَّ بِعِزَّتِكَ لِي فِي كُلِّ الْأَحْوَالِ [فِي الْأَحْوَالِ كُلِّهَا] رَءُوفا وَ عَلَيَّ فِي جَمِيعِ الْأُمُورِ عَطُوفا إِلَهِي وَ رَبِّي مَنْ لِي غَيْرُكَ أَسْأَلُهُ كَشْفَ ضُرِّي وَ النَّظَرَ فِي أَمْرِي إِلَهِي وَ مَوْلايَ أَجْرَيْتَ عَلَيَّ حُكْما اتَّبَعْتُ فِيهِ هَوَى نَفْسِي وَ لَمْ أَحْتَرِسْ فِيهِ مِنْ تَزْيِينِ عَدُوِّي فَغَرَّنِي بِمَا أَهْوَى وَ أَسْعَدَهُ عَلَى ذَلِكَ الْقَضَاءُ فَتَجَاوَزْتُ بِمَا جَرَى عَلَيَّ مِنْ ذَلِكَ بَعْضَ [مِنْ نَقْضِ‏] حُدُودِكَ وَ خَالَفْتُ بَعْضَ أَوَامِرِكَ فَلَكَ الْحَمْدُ [الْحُجَّةُ] عَلَيَّ فِي جَمِيعِ ذَلِكَ وَ لا حُجَّةَ لِي فِيمَا جَرَى عَلَيَّ فِيهِ قَضَاؤُكَ وَ أَلْزَمَنِي حُكْمُكَ وَ بَلاؤُكَ وَ قَدْ أَتَيْتُكَ يَا إِلَهِي بَعْدَ تَقْصِيرِي وَ إِسْرَافِي عَلَى نَفْسِي مُعْتَذِرا نَادِما مُنْكَسِرا مُسْتَقِيلا مُسْتَغْفِرا مُنِيبا مُقِرّا مُذْعِنا مُعْتَرِفا لا أَجِدُ مَفَرّا مِمَّا كَانَ مِنِّي وَ لا مَفْزَعا أَتَوَجَّهُ إِلَيْهِ فِي أَمْرِي غَيْرَ قَبُولِكَ عُذْرِي وَ إِدْخَالِكَ إِيَّايَ فِي سَعَةِ [سَعَةٍ مِنْ‏] رَحْمَتِكَ اللَّهُمَّ [إِلَهِي‏] فَاقْبَلْ عُذْرِي وَ ارْحَمْ شِدَّةَ ضُرِّي وَ فُكَّنِي مِنْ شَدِّ وَثَاقِي يَا رَبِّ ارْحَمْ ضَعْفَ بَدَنِي وَ رِقَّةَ جِلْدِي وَ دِقَّةَ عَظْمِي يَا مَنْ بَدَأَ خَلْقِي وَ ذِكْرِي وَ تَرْبِيَتِي وَ بِرِّي وَ تَغْذِيَتِي هَبْنِي لابْتِدَاءِ كَرَمِكَ وَ سَالِفِ بِرِّكَ بِي يَا إِلَهِي وَ سَيِّدِي وَ رَبِّي أَ تُرَاكَ مُعَذِّبِي بِنَارِكَ بَعْدَ تَوْحِيدِكَ وَ بَعْدَ مَا انْطَوَى عَلَيْهِ قَلْبِي مِنْ مَعْرِفَتِكَ وَ لَهِجَ بِهِ لِسَانِي مِنْ ذِكْرِكَ وَ اعْتَقَدَهُ ضَمِيرِي مِنْ حُبِّكَ وَ بَعْدَ صِدْقِ اعْتِرَافِي وَ دُعَائِي خَاضِعا لِرُبُوبِيَّتِكَ هَيْهَاتَ أَنْتَ أَكْرَمُ مِنْ أَنْ تُضَيِّعَ مَنْ رَبَّيْتَهُ أَوْ تُبْعِدَ [تُبَعِّدَ] مَنْ أَدْنَيْتَهُ أَوْ تُشَرِّدَ مَنْ آوَيْتَهُ أَوْ تُسَلِّمَ إِلَى الْبَلاءِ مَنْ كَفَيْتَهُ وَ رَحِمْتَهُ وَ لَيْتَ شِعْرِي يَا سَيِّدِي وَ إِلَهِي وَ مَوْلايَ أَ تُسَلِّطُ النَّارَ عَلَى وُجُوهٍ خَرَّتْ لِعَظَمَتِكَ سَاجِدَةً وَ عَلَى أَلْسُنٍ نَطَقَتْ بِتَوْحِيدِكَ صَادِقَةً وَ بِشُكْرِكَ مَادِحَةً وَ عَلَى قُلُوبٍ اعْتَرَفَتْ بِإِلَهِيَّتِكَ مُحَقِّقَةً وَ عَلَى ضَمَائِرَ حَوَتْ مِنَ الْعِلْمِ بِكَ حَتَّى صَارَتْ خَاشِعَةً وَ عَلَى جَوَارِحَ سَعَتْ إِلَى أَوْطَانِ تَعَبُّدِكَ طَائِعَةً وَ أَشَارَتْ بِاسْتِغْفَارِكَ مُذْعِنَةً مَا هَكَذَا الظَّنُّ بِكَ وَ لا أُخْبِرْنَا بِفَضْلِكَ عَنْكَ يَا كَرِيمُ يَا رَبِّ وَ أَنْتَ تَعْلَمُ ضَعْفِي عَنْ قَلِيلٍ مِنْ بَلاءِ الدُّنْيَا وَ عُقُوبَاتِهَا وَ مَا يَجْرِي فِيهَا مِنَ الْمَكَارِهِ عَلَى أَهْلِهَا عَلَى أَنَّ ذَلِكَ بَلاءٌ وَ مَكْرُوهٌ قَلِيلٌ مَكْثُهُ يَسِيرٌ بَقَاؤُهُ قَصِيرٌ مُدَّتُهُ فَكَيْفَ احْتِمَالِي لِبَلاءِ الْآخِرَةِ وَ جَلِيلِ [حُلُولِ‏] وُقُوعِ الْمَكَارِهِ فِيهَا وَ هُوَ بَلاءٌ تَطُولُ مُدَّتُهُ وَ يَدُومُ مَقَامُهُ وَ لا يُخَفَّفُ عَنْ أَهْلِهِ لِأَنَّهُ لا يَكُونُ إِلا عَنْ غَضَبِكَ وَ انْتِقَامِكَ وَ سَخَطِكَ وَ هَذَا مَا لا تَقُومُ لَهُ السَّمَاوَاتُ وَ الْأَرْضُ يَا سَيِّدِي فَكَيْفَ لِي [بِي‏] وَ أَنَا عَبْدُكَ الضَّعِيفُ الذَّلِيلُ الْحَقِيرُ الْمِسْكِينُ الْمُسْتَكِينُ يَا إِلَهِي وَ رَبِّي وَ سَيِّدِي وَ مَوْلايَ لِأَيِّ الْأُمُورِ إِلَيْكَ أَشْكُو وَ لِمَا مِنْهَا أَضِجُّ وَ أَبْكِي لِأَلِيمِ الْعَذَابِ وَ شِدَّتِهِ أَمْ لِطُولِ الْبَلاءِ وَ مُدَّتِهِ فَلَئِنْ صَيَّرْتَنِي لِلْعُقُوبَاتِ مَعَ أَعْدَائِكَ وَ جَمَعْتَ بَيْنِي وَ بَيْنَ أَهْلِ بَلائِكَ وَ فَرَّقْتَ بَيْنِي وَ بَيْنَ أَحِبَّائِكَ وَ أَوْلِيَائِكَ فَهَبْنِي يَا إِلَهِي وَ سَيِّدِي وَ مَوْلايَ وَ رَبِّي صَبَرْتُ عَلَى عَذَابِكَ فَكَيْفَ أَصْبِرُ عَلَى فِرَاقِكَ وَ هَبْنِي [يَا إِلَهِي‏] صَبَرْتُ عَلَى حَرِّ نَارِكَ فَكَيْفَ أَصْبِرُ عَنِ النَّظَرِ إِلَى كَرَامَتِكَ أَمْ كَيْفَ أَسْكُنُ فِي النَّارِ وَ رَجَائِي عَفْوُكَ فَبِعِزَّتِكَ يَا سَيِّدِي وَ مَوْلايَ أُقْسِمُ صَادِقا لَئِنْ تَرَكْتَنِي نَاطِقا لَأَضِجَّنَّ إِلَيْكَ بَيْنَ أَهْلِهَا ضَجِيجَ الْآمِلِينَ [الْآلِمِينَ‏] وَ لَأَصْرُخَنَّ إِلَيْكَ صُرَاخَ الْمُسْتَصْرِخِينَ وَ لَأَبْكِيَنَّ عَلَيْكَ بُكَاءَ الْفَاقِدِينَ وَ لَأُنَادِيَنَّكَ أَيْنَ كُنْتَ يَا وَلِيَّ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَا غَايَةَ آمَالِ الْعَارِفِينَ يَا غِيَاثَ الْمُسْتَغِيثِينَ يَا حَبِيبَ قُلُوبِ الصَّادِقِينَ وَ يَا إِلَهَ الْعَالَمِينَ أَ فَتُرَاكَ سُبْحَانَكَ يَا إِلَهِي وَ بِحَمْدِكَ تَسْمَعُ فِيهَا صَوْتَ عَبْدٍ مُسْلِمٍ سُجِنَ [يُسْجَنُ‏] فِيهَا بِمُخَالَفَتِهِ وَ ذَاقَ طَعْمَ عَذَابِهَا بِمَعْصِيَتِهِ وَ حُبِسَ بَيْنَ أَطْبَاقِهَا بِجُرْمِهِ وَ جَرِيرَتِهِ وَ هُوَ يَضِجُّ إِلَيْكَ ضَجِيجَ مُؤَمِّلٍ لِرَحْمَتِكَ وَ يُنَادِيكَ بِلِسَانِ أَهْلِ تَوْحِيدِكَ وَ يَتَوَسَّلُ إِلَيْكَ بِرُبُوبِيَّتِكَ يَا مَوْلايَ فَكَيْفَ يَبْقَى فِي الْعَذَابِ وَ هُوَ يَرْجُو مَا سَلَفَ مِنْ حِلْمِكَ أَمْ كَيْفَ تُؤْلِمُهُ النَّارُ وَ هُوَ يَأْمُلُ فَضْلَكَ وَ رَحْمَتَكَ أَمْ كَيْفَ يُحْرِقُهُ لَهِيبُهَا وَ أَنْتَ تَسْمَعُ صَوْتَهُ وَ تَرَى مَكَانَهُ أَمْ كَيْفَ يَشْتَمِلُ عَلَيْهِ زَفِيرُهَا وَ أَنْتَ تَعْلَمُ ضَعْفَهُ أَمْ كَيْفَ يَتَقَلْقَلُ بَيْنَ أَطْبَاقِهَا وَ أَنْتَ تَعْلَمُ صِدْقَهُ أَمْ كَيْفَ تَزْجُرُهُ زَبَانِيَتُهَا وَ هُوَ يُنَادِيكَ يَا رَبَّهْ أَمْ كَيْفَ يَرْجُو فَضْلَكَ فِي عِتْقِهِ مِنْهَا فَتَتْرُكُهُ [فَتَتْرُكَهُ‏] فِيهَا هَيْهَاتَ مَا ذَلِكَ الظَّنُّ بِكَ وَ لا الْمَعْرُوفُ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ وَ لا مُشْبِهٌ لِمَا عَامَلْتَ بِهِ الْمُوَحِّدِينَ مِنْ بِرِّكَ وَ إِحْسَانِكَ فَبِالْيَقِينِ أَقْطَعُ لَوْ لا مَا حَكَمْتَ بِهِ مِنْ تَعْذِيبِ جَاحِدِيكَ وَ قَضَيْتَ بِهِ مِنْ إِخْلادِ مُعَانِدِيكَ لَجَعَلْتَ النَّارَ كُلَّهَا بَرْدا وَ سَلاما وَ مَا كَانَ [كَانَتْ‏] لِأَحَدٍ فِيهَا مَقَرّا وَ لا مُقَاما [مَقَاما] لَكِنَّكَ تَقَدَّسَتْ أَسْمَاؤُكَ أَقْسَمْتَ أَنْ تَمْلَأَهَا مِنَ الْكَافِرِينَ مِنَ الْجِنَّةِ وَ النَّاسِ أَجْمَعِينَ وَ أَنْ تُخَلِّدَ فِيهَا الْمُعَانِدِينَ وَ أَنْتَ جَلَّ ثَنَاؤُكَ قُلْتَ مُبْتَدِئا وَ تَطَوَّلْتَ بِالْإِنْعَامِ مُتَكَرِّما أَ فَمَنْ كَانَ مُؤْمِنا كَمَنْ كَانَ فَاسِقا لا يَسْتَوُونَ إِلَهِي وَ سَيِّدِي فَأَسْأَلُكَ بِالْقُدْرَةِ الَّتِي قَدَّرْتَهَا وَ بِالْقَضِيَّةِ الَّتِي حَتَمْتَهَا وَ حَكَمْتَهَا وَ غَلَبْتَ مَنْ عَلَيْهِ أَجْرَيْتَهَا أَنْ تَهَبَ لِي فِي هَذِهِ اللَّيْلَةِ وَ فِي هَذِهِ السَّاعَةِ كُلَّ جُرْمٍ أَجْرَمْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ ذَنْبٍ أَذْنَبْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ قَبِيحٍ أَسْرَرْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ جَهْلٍ عَمِلْتُهُ كَتَمْتُهُ أَوْ أَعْلَنْتُهُ أَخْفَيْتُهُ أَوْ أَظْهَرْتُهُ وَ كُلَّ سَيِّئَةٍ أَمَرْتَ بِإِثْبَاتِهَا الْكِرَامَ الْكَاتِبِينَ الَّذِينَ وَكَّلْتَهُمْ بِحِفْظِ مَا يَكُونُ مِنِّي وَ جَعَلْتَهُمْ شُهُودا عَلَيَّ مَعَ جَوَارِحِي وَ كُنْتَ أَنْتَ الرَّقِيبَ عَلَيَّ مِنْ وَرَائِهِمْ وَ الشَّاهِدَ لِمَا خَفِيَ عَنْهُمْ وَ بِرَحْمَتِكَ أَخْفَيْتَهُ وَ بِفَضْلِكَ سَتَرْتَهُ وَ أَنْ تُوَفِّرَ حَظِّي مِنْ كُلِّ خَيْرٍ أَنْزَلْتَهُ [تُنْزِلُهُ‏] أَوْ إِحْسَانٍ فَضَّلْتَهُ [تُفَضِّلُهُ‏] أَوْ بِرٍّ نَشَرْتَهُ [تَنْشُرُهُ‏] أَوْ رِزْقٍ بَسَطْتَهُ [تَبْسُطُهُ‏] أَوْ ذَنْبٍ تَغْفِرُهُ أَوْ خَطَإٍ تَسْتُرُهُ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ يَا إِلَهِي وَ سَيِّدِي وَ مَوْلايَ وَ مَالِكَ رِقِّي يَا مَنْ بِيَدِهِ نَاصِيَتِي يَا عَلِيما بِضُرِّي [بِفَقْرِي‏] وَ مَسْكَنَتِي يَا خَبِيرا بِفَقْرِي وَ فَاقَتِي يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ أَسْأَلُكَ بِحَقِّكَ وَ قُدْسِكَ وَ أَعْظَمِ صِفَاتِكَ وَ أَسْمَائِكَ أَنْ تَجْعَلَ أَوْقَاتِي مِنَ [فِي‏] اللَّيْلِ وَ النَّهَارِ بِذِكْرِكَ مَعْمُورَةً وَ بِخِدْمَتِكَ مَوْصُولَةً وَ أَعْمَالِي عِنْدَكَ مَقْبُولَةً حَتَّى تَكُونَ أَعْمَالِي وَ أَوْرَادِي [إِرَادَتِي‏] كُلُّهَا وِرْدا وَاحِدا وَ حَالِي فِي خِدْمَتِكَ سَرْمَدا يَا سَيِّدِي يَا مَنْ عَلَيْهِ مُعَوَّلِي يَا مَنْ إِلَيْهِ شَكَوْتُ أَحْوَالِي يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ يَا رَبِّ قَوِّ عَلَى خِدْمَتِكَ جَوَارِحِي وَ اشْدُدْ عَلَى الْعَزِيمَةِ جَوَانِحِي وَ هَبْ لِيَ الْجِدَّ فِي خَشْيَتِكَ وَ الدَّوَامَ فِي الاتِّصَالِ بِخِدْمَتِكَ حَتَّى أَسْرَحَ إِلَيْكَ فِي مَيَادِينِ السَّابِقِينَ وَ أُسْرِعَ إِلَيْكَ فِي الْبَارِزِينَ [الْمُبَادِرِينَ‏] وَ أَشْتَاقَ إِلَى قُرْبِكَ فِي الْمُشْتَاقِينَ وَ أَدْنُوَ مِنْكَ دُنُوَّ الْمُخْلِصِينَ وَ أَخَافَكَ مَخَافَةَ الْمُوقِنِينَ وَ أَجْتَمِعَ فِي جِوَارِكَ مَعَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ اللَّهُمَّ وَ مَنْ أَرَادَنِي بِسُوءٍ فَأَرِدْهُ وَ مَنْ كَادَنِي فَكِدْهُ وَ اجْعَلْنِي مِنْ أَحْسَنِ عَبِيدِكَ نَصِيبا عِنْدَكَ وَ أَقْرَبِهِمْ مَنْزِلَةً مِنْكَ وَ أَخَصِّهِمْ زُلْفَةً لَدَيْكَ فَإِنَّهُ لا يُنَالُ ذَلِكَ إِلا بِفَضْلِكَ وَ جُدْ لِي بِجُودِكَ وَ اعْطِفْ عَلَيَّ بِمَجْدِكَ وَ احْفَظْنِي بِرَحْمَتِكَ وَ اجْعَلْ لِسَانِي بِذِكْرِكَ لَهِجا وَ قَلْبِي بِحُبِّكَ مُتَيَّما وَ مُنَّ عَلَيَّ بِحُسْنِ إِجَابَتِكَ وَ أَقِلْنِي عَثْرَتِي وَ اغْفِرْ زَلَّتِي فَإِنَّكَ قَضَيْتَ عَلَى عِبَادِكَ بِعِبَادَتِكَ وَ أَمَرْتَهُمْ بِدُعَائِكَ وَ ضَمِنْتَ لَهُمُ الْإِجَابَةَ فَإِلَيْكَ يَا رَبِّ نَصَبْتُ وَجْهِي وَ إِلَيْكَ يَا رَبِّ مَدَدْتُ يَدِي فَبِعِزَّتِكَ اسْتَجِبْ لِي دُعَائِي وَ بَلِّغْنِي مُنَايَ وَ لا تَقْطَعْ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ رَجَائِي وَ اكْفِنِي شَرَّ الْجِنِّ وَ الْإِنْسِ مِنْ أَعْدَائِي يَا سَرِيعَ الرِّضَا اغْفِرْ لِمَنْ لا يَمْلِكُ إِلا الدُّعَاءَ فَإِنَّكَ فَعَّالٌ لِمَا تَشَاءُ يَا مَنِ اسْمُهُ دَوَاءٌ وَ ذِكْرُهُ شِفَاءٌ وَ طَاعَتُهُ غِنًى ارْحَمْ مَنْ رَأْسُ مَالِهِ الرَّجَاءُ وَ سِلاحُهُ الْبُكَاءُ يَا سَابِغَ النِّعَمِ يَا دَافِعَ النِّقَمِ يَا نُورَ الْمُسْتَوْحِشِينَ فِي الظُّلَمِ يَا عَالِما لا يُعَلَّمُ صَلِّ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ وَ آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ وَ افْعَلْ بِي مَا أَنْتَ أَهْلُهُ وَ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَى رَسُولِهِ وَ الْأَئِمَّةِ الْمَيَامِينِ مِنْ آلِهِ [أَهْلِهِ‏] وَ سَلَّمَ تَسْلِيما [كَثِيرا] 

for some people there is no choice possible.

I always stood up for my belief that happiness is a choice, people quote me for this say 
recently someone quoted "happiness is a choice" while i was around. 
and actually i was board so i gazed into the unknown thinking of my saying

IT has the feel of truth at least to me.
 I know when I'm normal happiness IS a choice.
 It's something I choose to be. I don't let all the little buggy boos in life get me down.
 I choose to be happy and thus I am.

But there are times when that's just impossible.
 When I am deeply depressed, way down there, I am incapable of choosing happiness and even if I could choose it it would mean nothing.
 When I'm way down like that my attention must always be focused on survival. I must keep my attention on making it through.
 I cannot let my focus wonder lest I lose the battle and potentially lose my life.

It's times like this that happiness becomes an unreachable goal. 
For whatever reason, be it situational, a chemical imbalance in my head, or whatever, I am way too far down in the dumps to be able to choose happiness. It's all I can do to survive.
 As much as I long to choose happiness, as much as I try, I find it to be an unreachable goal many times lately.
 The sadness, the darkness, is overwhelming and leaves no room for happiness.


lately i have a feeling that there's something that sucks all the light and life out of me and leaves me unable to make the choice to be happy. 

I just wanted to clarify that. Someone suffering from  depression is simply unable to choose happiness.
 While for the vast majority of us happiness IS a choice, 
for some people there is no choice possible.
 They are not to be faulted for not choosing happiness.
 They would make that choice if at all possible. 
i realized that It just isn't an option for everyone to chose happiness.

being bipolar such an eye opening experience

I am a person who live in the moment but always looking towards the future. 
Sometimes when I'm way down or when I'm running strongly manic the present moment is all I can handle. 
Yet to stay sane I have to look forward to the time when the depression will pass. 
That's not always an easy thing to do. 
When you're up to your neck in alligators it's hard to remember that the initial objective was to drain the swamp. 

It's given me a real respect for life. 
When you so often get lost and don't know where to turn you really grow to value those moments of sanity that may come your way.
 When it seems that you live lost in a sea of insanity, each moment of sanity becomes a precious gift. 
I've learned to value those gifts, those times of sanity, and never to waste them. 
When I can I live life to the fullest because all too often I simply cannot. 

It has indelibly taught me that this too will pass.
 No matter how insane I get, no matter how far down or how wildly manic I get it's only a matter of time until it passes.
 I need only hold on until that time and things will be OK.
 At the time it may seem that I'll never make it but deep inside me I know that if I can just hold on it will pass. 

I've learned not to sweat the moment. 
While at the time it may seem as though my whole life revolves around this one moment, as if my life depends on it, this moment too will pass and the sun will shine once again. Thus I've learned to look beyond the moment to the next, and the one after that, always knowing that if I can just make it until then things will be better. 

It has taught me that no matter how dark things seem there's a future that is so much brighter.
 All you have to do is hang on until that future becomes the present. Sometimes that's a very difficult thing to do but the knowledge that the future is out there, bright and shining, helps me to hole on tight. 

I've learned to recognize and empathize with other's pain.
 I can connect to it, feel it, know it at a gut level. 
As such I am more understanding of others, more patient with them. 
I know their pain and how terrible it is and want to do what I can to alleviate it. 

I has given me a real respect for other's and their pain.
 I can see most of what drives others to live the way they do. 
I find I have a greater understanding of what drives them, what makes them do or say the things they do. It's almost like I can look into their souls and see myself shining back. 

Being bipolar has made me a stronger person. Sure, when I'm way down in the pit I feel weak and all alone. But it's that very feeling that lends me strength.


 I've learned to hold on, to take it one moment at a time, to make it through this moment to the next. If I can just make it through this moment then I can look forward to the time when it'll get better. 
My strength of will has grown, sometimes it's all that holds me together.
 When I'm sane my self respect has grown too.
 How can I fail to respect someone who has successfully made it through the plains of hell? Only I know the torment and pain it has cost me to cross those plains. 

So all in all I think I've been blessed by being cursed with Bipolar. 
It has taught me far more then it's cost me.
 It has made me a better, more understanding, more empathic person. 
It has opened my heart to other's suffering where others will turned their backs. 
It has shown me that we all experience pain and that no matter how "bad" a person you may be you deserve an understanding ear. It has connected me more solidly to my fellow humans. It's through the bipolar that I can feel another's pain, that I can offer a shoulder to lean on and an ear to hear. It has made me a better person.

Definitions VI.

Sabbatical: any extended absence in the career of an individual in order to achieve something. In the modern sense, one takes sabbatical typically to fulfill some goal, e.g., writing a book or travelling..

frustration struck

I had to talk myself out of bed this morning..
--

wuthering heights

this line from the great novel wuthering heights keeps pumping in my head today:- 

"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger."

-----

sigh

to the son i never had with love

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now --
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.


~ ~Langston Hughes ~ ~

bipolar me

على بالى

يبكى ويضحك لا حزنآ ولا فرحآ
كعاشق خط سطر فالهوا ومحاه
من بسمة النجم همس فى قصائده
ومن مخالسة الظبى الذى سنح
قلب تمرس باللذات وهو فتى
كبرعم لمستة الريح فإنفتح
--

i demand my rights for a magician stick

do you remember that post? well i am still hunted with that question whats missing? what changed?
the closest conclusion that i came to is the following:-


* i am sort of, kindda of happy. yeah i am not sad,i am actually content, come to think about it this sort of career life and this way of living was a thought that i once thought about for myself maybe with some changes
but come on, i get what i wanted so i am happy..


*i feel different, even different than the weirdo scary me, (thats what people say at least) but personally i think i have been getting those blank mind condition more often, i started having no reaction in situations that people who know me expect me to yell and get in a rage, i stopped having reaction to things i can't change, i am growing up (this phrase just jumped into my mind though i didn't thought of it at all !!)


 I feel I need a magical formula,  that can help me cast a spell on me to be more assured of what i feel and think, to answer all the what(s) and why(s), and which(s)  maybe something like a magician's stick, and get a rabbit out!
 And you know what the sad thing is.. I don't have any clue what *that* rabbit might be like or even if its a rabbit or not!

i'm who i'm

Feels like you've built a wall around me
You've tried your best to ground me
Let me explain that I don't play by any other rules
I won't be nobody's fool - I won't lose this game
There is no way
I can love you with half of my heart
It would tear me apart
I am who I am
What else could I be
And I'll stand where I stand
I chose to be me
When you look in my eyes
You get what you see
Understand if you can
That I am who I am who I am
Think twice before you try to read me
Before you try to lead me into your trap
You've got no right to play with my emotion
'Cause you should know that I'm much deeper than that
There is no way
I can love you with half of my heart
It would tear me apart
There is no way
I can love you with half of my heart
It would tear me apart

you have got mail

all i need was an aimless,meaningless, pointless,harmless conversation with a stranger,
a conversation with no reason. with no expectations
a conversation with no when our next conversation will be, or what's next, or what then
a conversation without having to break my walls, or get too involved, or get out of my shell or comfort zone
a conversation that can get too personal yet its not because there's roads and seas and miles and time difference in it to allow it to be personal
a conversation thats real but too good to be real,
a virtual conversation!!!


i didn't plan it, i didn't seek it and i wasn't even waiting for it 
it was just a crazy thought, and i got what i wanted
kindda of , no not kindda of exactly like you have got mail movie, without the first and the end, just the mailing stranger part
a talk about many nothings that means a lot than many other things
a truth or dare game
a random thoughts talk
an open up talk


thats what's happening in my life nowadays am having a conversation a really good one matter fact..


and if thats me but i'm not showing you me happened to be an unintentional massage sent by me 
its not true....

random thoughts about goodbyes

i am a girl who is permanently feeling insecure, who gets worried for anything and about everything

i am someone with abandoning issues

but most of all i am a girl who doesn't do goodbyes, i never see someone off, i never totally break up or end my relation with anybody, theres always a half closed door, a window somewhere for entering back

i hate goodbyes and i don't do them and even if i wanted i don't know how..

isn't goodbye the saddest word that anybody can hear, i mean its a powerful word like goodbye here i said it i won't be around any more, i said goodbye so i won't hold you again..i said goodbye so all my promises is automatically broken.

i hate goodbyes

about broken dreams and unfulfilled promises...

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

~ Dido, "Life for Rent"

So, it all starts at "I have no idea what's happened to that dream".. and i keep thinking what happened to a lot of dreams i had... i always wanted to travel abroad (to London and Paris)   for work or study for a year or two.. 
i wanted to take up the academic career path (still not late for that)..
 hmmmm i wanted to maintain a healthy lifestyle (sleep early, wake up early, walk a lot, eat healthy, see a lot of fresh air.. i do all these but the eat healthy one, its not that i don't like healthy food but its that i eat healthy _and_ unhealthy :))
so, the title of this post refers to this.. to all the what if's in my life.. 
all the other options and how my life would've been similar/different...

stupid morning

stupid Saturday summer morning..morning breathe came carrying your stupid smell and the smell of your stupid morning coffee and the sound of your stupid morning music..

Unnamed/Untamed feelings

recently, and by recently i mean for 5 or 7 month, i feel the slightest hints of the weirdest feelings.. you know.. like when something can just make you gloomy.. or you can feel your heart contract for a split second from the weirdest of events.. I thought i grew out of this phase.. apparently not.. 

I am very stressed out because of work.. 

i feel like my world is foggy.... but that shouldn't be it... i don't know.. 

maybe i shouldnt have written that down when am in this state.. i'd rather blog some lyrics that say it all... (but i won't :))

La fatalite... though

I promise to give what is to Caesar to Caesar, what is to God to God...

i promise to be a background musical theme...
Don't know when it will fade out though, to be replaced by a main theme...

I promise to divert from my route, with the intention of joining back my path...
Don't know whether life's tenderness will bring back the two ends together soon or late though...

I promise I won't regret anything... I don't do regrets... at least Not anymore...
I don't know whether there would be things worth regretting though...


I promise what I have in hand...
But I don't promise on behalf of destiny... 

lights at night

Did you ever  notice lights at night? 
What is about lights? 
While strolling in the night time, watching the lights surrounding you.
 The hazy yellow light from a distance street lamp, dull white light from a near by shop, the head light and tail light of a passing by cars. Some funky bikes have fancy colored led lights, bright blue, green, red blinking together.
 Then the faithful traffic lights, mercury lamps, stadium lights, lights, lights and more lights.

One of the interesting facts about these lights is the way they kindle one's past life.
 Some of the lights brings me strange feelings inside me. 
They transport to a distance past, to a distance place.
 A place where i had been on a night, where there was a similar light glowing as a witness.
 A dim light from a distance carries a dimness, sadness of its own - just as a dying star emitting out its last portion of energy.
ok, let me save (deeply in my mind)  before the lights goes off due to frequent power cuts.


BTW did i ever mentioned that being a lone at a street at night is one of my life nightmares/ fobia

(the) june the first

somehow i feel my day was awful and miserable and now am feeling the
same and having this urge to cry
i feel lonely
the answer to your question "why i mailed him"
i guess because sometimes when you see yourself having no present to
talk about, no future to make your loved ones/ friends share it with
you, you tend to dig up the past to prove to yourself and to those people in your present that
you once were loved, that your life wasn't always dry and empty.!!

being what i am a person who hate my past and everything in it, a
person who's allergic to memories i must say at the end of the day i
find myself/what i did today (mailing him) pathetic. 
thats the word i
was trying to find all day.