an annoying night out..

Warning: Angry post ahead.. read at your own risk. today, I had dinner with a few colleagues. We went to this traditional kebab place in Agouza called El-Me3'arbel (food is really good by the way) but the evening was ruined for me. 3 of us entered slightly later than the rest of the group; we sat at the end of a long table. It was a crowded little place so all the tables where sort of crammed together in a small area. By now you'd say.. so what's new.. it's not like you haven't been to such a place before, why was the evening ruined. Well, from the moment we walked in , a young guy with his friend on the table on my left and a complete moron who was sitting alone on a table on my right decided that somehow I would be the entertainment of the evening. At first I tried the, Saso-it's-just-in-your-head but then who was I kidding. Then I tried the ignore-it-and-it-will-go-away approach/ if you don't make eye contact they will get bored and stop it, but that didn't work neither. Then , I went to give-them-a-dirty-look approach, which I hardly ever need to use, but that didn't work either. Well, the young dude with his friends was a bit taken off.. so he'd be staring until I give him the look so he looks away... but that went on all night.. what the #$%^! However, the disgusting older guy, with a big zebeebet sala, was just pure rude. He was just watching me.. nothing, no dirty-look or what-the-hell-do-you-think-you're-looking-at look would take his eyes off me. And it was so humiliating.. I really felt naked and venerable. I mean.. I wasn't wearing anything attractive at all, really! My jeans with a LONG plain top that goes to my knees, no make -up, nothing.. I swear... It was really so uncomfortable. I was sitting with 7 gentlemen on the table , one of which noticed and gave him a good share of lemm-nafsak/behave look and he was just rude enough to keep staring. I was so tense, I felt like crying, and I could feel myself getting more tense by the second. With the first person going out for a smoke, I left the table and went for some fresh air. The guys eyes followed me out the door.. it was insane .. he wasn't embarrassed, he wasn't even trying to hide it. Then we go back in , and he still follows me to the table. I was so self conscious that I kept watching the way I ate, the way I walked, the way I breathed... what was I doing wrong. And the situation isn't an easy one to escape; do I become the party-pooper and just leave what otherwise could have been a lovely evening, at least for other people!? Do I mention it to my colleagues and make a scene? What about leaving; will he follow? I mean the guy was there before we arrived and paid his check just as we ordered our own. It's terrible when you actually feel scared and unsafe , which I shouldn't feel since I have like I said 7 of my male friends with me. But then again, I can't go playing the damsel in distress with people I work with, right? Plus, we're not in high school anymore where girls always ran to guys for help from the ugly world out there. On the other hand, I couldn't, while the guys sitting there, go and argue with the guy, right?! Just one of those evenings! If any of you fine readers have a suggestion as to what I should have done in such a situation, seriously, please share!

only time

Who can say where the road goes, Where the day flows, only time? And who can say if your love grows, As your hearth chose, only time? Who can say why your heart sights, As your live flies, only time? And who can say why your heart cries when your love lies, only time? Who can say when the roads meet, That love might be ,in your heart? and who can say when the day sleeps, and the night keeps all your heart? Night keeps all your heart..... Who can say if your love groves, As your heart chose, only time? And who can say where the road goes Where the day flows, only time who knows?only time..

Self-obsessed Introspection

another day

I am possessed since this morning by a thought; how we always say "well, tomorrow is another day". But then this tomorrow never comes, and I am haunted by a recurring today, over and over and over again. So, as of now, I hereby declare TODAY as another day. This IS my another day and I am choosing to live it. And, as a friend of mine so nicely put it, "Hello Mr. Letting Go, this is me,Saso . I know we've been quite out of touch lately but I am glad to have finally made your acquaintance." life seems to be sucking life out of me...

definitions 9

Relationship: we get together, you hurt me, and then its bad.

fuzzy thoughts

poor , naive, silly me still manages to imagine corny stuff. How many times do I need to break my own heart to get past it! After not being able to be with any guy for so long, I thought I was past all the fluff and into the hardcore part. I thought I didnt care about the long walks, the whole day togeathe, the lunches and the nightly phone calls till the break of dawn. I honestly thought so. But it shocked me that a part of me is still looking for this stuff. Well, a nice kind of shock, I proved I am human, not made of stone. (though on second thoughts, I would have rather been made of stone than break my heart one more time. That's a different story for a different day). It's nice to have oneself spoiled by someone, even if this spoiling is just in one's head, no?

cursed

Let the show go on and on Let your hell burn me alone Let me die here on my own Let my blood be your wine I’m all yours, but you’re not mine Life is perfect, life is fine Let your curse be my life I’m the slain and you’re my knife Be my widow, not my life Let me get back to my world to The Resting place of a restless love slave

note to self

I don’t believe in what I say Nor in what’s written on my resume I’m just trying to find myself A nice place in hell like everyone else I can’t believe this is really me Another image of hypocrisy There’s no choice, i gotta go that way And hope that life would smile some day Everything and everyone are getting worse This ain’t my life, this is my curse Yet I’m still going down & down guess They lied when they said hell is under ground Damn you people and damn this land if that's life then Death please come and lend me a hand..

God forbid it might lead to dancing

Disclaimer: This theory is not entirely about me or the other, for that alone would not make a "theory". It is more or less a collection of learning's. A (quite long) Preamble There is an old joke I read while in my first year in university.. back then when I read it, it was about Jews, and then later on I found out the same joke is told about baptists, Muslims, etc. It doesn't make fun of the religions themselves as much as of our -sometimes narrow-minded- interpretations of the learning's. So to cut it short, the story goes that there was a couple who were preparing for their marriage, and they're meeting with the rabbi.. he goes on to explain how it's forbidden that men and women dance together in the ceremony, and then -going into more intimate details- they ask him about allowed sex positions, so they keep asking and he says yes it's allowed, and then the husband asks "how about doing it when standing?", to which the rabbi replies "OF COURSE NOT! THAT COULD LEAD TO DANCING!" This joke has stuck with me ever since as an example of our contradictory double messages, and so whenever a situation calls for it, I find me saying to myself, "Oh but of course not, it could lead to dancing" The Relationship Dilemma So, the relationship dilemma here starts actually AFTER there is no relation. In that hazy crazy phase when you're not together but you're not exactly not together either, because one (or both) parties of the relationship still harbors feelings and doubts. So you are in a phase where you are still deciding how to define the boundaries of the relationship and what should/shouldn't happen under this new status, which is not an easy task at all... And amongst all this, you find the weirdest requests and awkwardest moments between these two used-to-be lovers, wanna-be friends. Can we flirt casually, can we go out to dinners/coffees, can I call him, is it okay if he calls me late... etc etc.. Now I am not here to judge or be judged.. It is up to one entirely to define the boundaries they accept or demand for such a relation, and it is more or less a function of how you deal with friends of the opposite sex AND also how your relation with this ex was like... So, again, no judging here.. However, the dating dilemma I am referring to starts when one of the two parties decides that they know what's better for the other (i.e. moving on), but at the same time they don't totally let go.. And you find yourself oscillating between wanting to let go yet feeling "trapped" in the relation (even if you're the one trapping yourself!).. and the one party who wants to stay knows that the one party more inclined to let go is ready to move on, just waiting for the right time or the right signal.. and then you find the weirdest behaviors coming up from you or the other, defining what should and should not be done under the context of the new connection. And it never makes any sense, so I would ask him to lunch but I would not go movies with him, because that would look like dating, and he would hug me, but he wouldn't call me when I am upset, because that would send me the wrong signal.. and so on.. So what is the solution to this? Should all breakups be done "cold turkey" as they say? or should we just "man up" to our decisions and do what our feelings/brains/impulses/morals (or whatever dictates your behavior) tells us to do? So, I can flirt with you, I can talk to you, you can joke liberally with me, we can go out, and who knows maybe we'd even make out.... ...But be careful not to do it standing, because -God forbid- it might lead to dancing!

FOR THE BUTTERFLIE

I apologize For being unable To read those letters I apologize For breaking all the rules Ignoring all the signs For deliberately refusing To realize That I am just another one Of "these girls" Who gather, who get closer Then get burn with fire Like butterflies Was it a dream? I don't know If it was so It would have been A dream that grew By feeding on mere lies A fantasy That brought me back to life That gave me a thousand souls Sent me to a thousand skies Even though it was a lie That came in a gigantic size And I don't regret Being left in the dark With nothing but my scars I don't regret being called The girl who always cries And I won't forget The hope that blinked For only a few moments Like a shooting star Just before it dies Once again, I apologize They gather, they get closer Then burn in your fire Like butterflies .....

darker shade of black

Not very long ago, I used to know him And now I know he's back Maybe older, maybe wiser but With a darker shade of black * * * I'm his sleepless nights For no apparent reason I'm his endless fights Between faithfulness and treason I'm his depressive words That scare the girls away Like useless chirping birds In the dawn of a new day I'm his false high hopes Of words written in vain I'm everything he wrote Causing nothing but pain I'm his tired eyes Waiting for the tears of rain And his stupid goodbyes that he never says I'm his funny looks And words that make me smile Sitting between his web world Hidden behind a pile I'm his betraying heart That never wants to learn From the battles that start And end in a bleeding burn I'm his few nightmares And fewer happy dreams And his long empty stares At nothing as it seems I'm his eternal gaze At the facts of hateful life And his long walks in the maze Explaining the word "strife" I'm his unborn child That he will never see Even though he's still convinced That all is meant to be I'm his endless story Of a heart with a broken man With no blood and no glory So forget me if you can

TO-DO LIST

Things i Did Today: 1)i Got up 2)i Survived through the day 3)now I'll Go back to bed.. wasn't that easy, easy as a life

to the one who took away my soul..

One day I woke up Not knowing what's missing from me But After thorough searching I knew its my soul I can't tell where it's hidden And why it's was taken away Maybe it's inside the pyramid Or in a distant black hole Maybe buried deep in the ocean Or under the China Wall I'll search the world for it From the south to the north pole No matter where it is No matter how far away You can't escape for long I'll get it back someday While searching I'll decide The price that the one who took it have to pay Or the reward he should be given For making me a stowaway Of this I'm quite sure You took my soul, it's true But tell me, how you take it? And why?

back then Love was not a sin

back then Love was not a sin Now I still don't know Things that might have been If I told you so If I could begin But only instead of words Was my useless grin On the moment that I saw you Love was in the air In your eyes And in your hair You're my "opium of the masses" Chasing me everywhere Any day without you Was just a long nightmare Was I too tall for you? Or maybe too thin? In my dreams I fought the world For the heart I'd hoped to win For a look into your eyes For a kiss on your lovely skin a Year have passed and I'm still thinking Of all what could have been I'd fight the world for you And I know I'll win the fight My reward would be a smile That makes my life so bright What might have been I'll know Now it must be, not just might back then Love was not a sin...

What do you want…

You hate me when I'm happy,
You hate me when I'm sad,
You hate me when I'm calm And also when I get mad,
You hate me when I'm gloomy You hate me when I'm joking,
You hate the girls who smoke And you hate me for not smoking
You hate me when I'm silent You hate me when I talk Even before I speak You act as if I spoke
You hate the way I drive
You hate the way I walk
You hate me when I'm rich You hate me when I'm broke
You hate me when I laugh You hate me when I cry
Now you hate that I'm alive You'll hate me when I die
You hate when I appear You hate it when I hide
You hate me when I'm near Yet you want me by your side
You hate me because I'm thin And you hate me when I was fat For you think I'm made of tin I'm your worthless doormat
I CHANGED ALL MY COLORS FOR YOU And Still i'll never be good enough for you Well, let me tell you A fact that may seem new I feel, I breathe, I love i happened to be human too...

how/question mark

How does it feel When you still have the pain Of wounds that will never heal?? When you still can taste the sweetness Of the moments you have stolen from life? How does it feel When you never can tell What was fake from what was real? How could you know That you'll have a different ending For your show That what was meant to be Was to let go How could you know That you'll never stop swimming against the flow How long did it last? And how sweet did it taste? And if the future is the past How many lives you'll waste?

stating facts

past few months my life with a total mess, will its not so better now but i think i've learned my lessons i learned the subtle difference between holding a hand & changing a soul. i learned that love doesn't mean leaning & company doesn't mean security. i learned that kisses aren't contracts & promises aren't always kept. i learned to accept my defeats with my head up & my eyes ahead... i learned to build all my roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans & futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. i learned to plant my own garden now instead of waiting for someone to bring me flowers. And i learned that i really can endure, that i'm really strong & that i really do worth... and with every goodbye, i learn...

the crow who just said "no"… part 4

he stood there all alone Thinking of what to say I flew above his throne Taking his breath away he said: "You're just a crow, That I will soon forget A mere part of the show Of the million birds I've met". I smiled, and I said: "No, It's your turn now to regret I'm the poem you'll never write And the book you'll never read I'm your motherhood delight I'm the child you wish to feed In the dark I'm a ray of light In your land I'm the only seed You'll soon know, when I'm out of sight That I'm everything you need I'm the law you never wrote I'm the queen of your lost kingdom I'm your every happy thought And your final words of wisdom I am nothing but a treasure That you don't want to discover So now you can't have the pleasure Of calling me your lover".

the crow who decided to let go... part 3

So here you are below Still looking up at me Waiting to shoot the crow Or to cut down her tree I'm really sorry to disappoint you For I was born to be free Before you aim your gun Or throw your first stone You'll find that I'm long gone And you're still standing alone I'll fly towards the sun And leave you on your own For I could end the curse And break the eternal spell Destiny is in my hands And you know that very well Forever you've lost the chance Of a story you'll never tell I will fly and hear you moan And cry of your own pain I'm a phoenix in the sun And an eagle in the rain From the ashes I will rise And you'll never see me again

Of the crow who wasn't so.. part 2

The sun is shining But I'm still whining And you're waiting below Under my tree Where I can see The stones you want to throw My eyes are burning From the tears I'm learning That I'm nothing but a crow I know you're ready to kill So I'll read you my will A story you don't know * * * In a kingdom that's so old he used to be the king His crown was made of gold His gown was emerald brown brown emeralds were his eyes Same as his royal gown I was a crown that shines Above his black shiny hair Being that close to him I didn't feel so cold His hands brought me to life Though I was made of gold Till one day I fell down he threw me off his head It hurt-ed when I touched the ground As he climbed his royal bed "You're not a part of me!" he said, throwing a spell "A black crow you'll be or I'll burn you in my hell" If I were to have the choice I wouldn't have fallen down Yet still he was a king Even without his crown The gems became my wings The gold has turned to black And as he closed his eyes I flew, never looking back In a kingdom that's so old As old as the sun and sky I was his crown of gold Now a crow trying to fly * * * Alone I stand on my tree You're eagerly waiting below So if it is meant to be I'll be another dead crow It's not the first time I faced it But maybe the last deadly blow

a crow wanted you to know...part 1

I'm the one who fled the flock, who flew against the flow.. Not Milton, not Shakespeare Nor Edgar Allan Poe In your mirrors I appear A gloomy lonesome crow So sad, that's what you think I pity you nonetheless You, standing on the brink Unable to confess I'm sorry for how you were And for all what you've become I can tell from the empty stare In your eyes that turned so numb There's nothing more to tell For a heart that's painted black Maybe that's my last farewell Who knows, I might be back I'm the one who fled the flock Who flew against the flow My words have stopped the clock All this by now you know I'm the dream of every bird Wishing for a distant star While you're within your herd In chains anywhere you are The book under the cover Is what matters the most So in my sky I'll hover For you I'm another ghost

random thoughts during the afternoon

- I haven't enjoyed a cozy night with someone i like in a very long time. -I went to bed at dawn and I woke up after four hours feeling fresh. - Throughout my whole life I felt I am destined to wait. Wait for everything. Wait for people, for transportation, for things to happen, for events that change my life and so on... things happen, people come and go and I'm still waiting.. - I'm glad I'm writing my thoughts like that. Better than writing a diary. Sometimes when I want to write a diary I find nothing at all to write down. Just a blank page. - Sometimes I wonder if I literally have a heart. I touch my chest and I feel the heartbeats, yet I still imagine a hollow dark space inside. "I'm in the dark here, you understand? I'm in the dark!". Al Pacino as Colonel Frank Slade - Scent of a woman - I still can't believe I have to travel again, and I wonder how it will be when I leave behind everyone and everything again. :( - There is nothing in the world like taking a walk in Alexandria and feeling the cool air caressing your face. even if it will make you sick later :) - I keep listening to Chicago songs over and over again. Chicago the band not the musical nor the movie. Every word touches a scar hidden deep inside. "There is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit. There is no prosthetic for that". Also Al Pacino as Colonel Frank Slade - Scent of a woman - I'm grateful for everything in my life.

wisdom from today

The longest journey everyone must take is the eighteen inches from his head to his heart..

A quote from the Bible

(no, am not Christian, but noone said i had to be Christian to quote it! I just love this wisdom i will paste For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal a time to break down, and a time to build up a time to weep, and a time to laugh a time to mourn, and a time to dance a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing a time to seek, and a time to lose a time to keep, and a time to cast away a time to tear, and a time to sew a time to keep silence and a time to speak a time to love, and a time to hate a time for war, and a time for peace. ~Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

question mark

some people say they love you , but they keep trying to change you.!! So what is it that you love about me, if you want to turn me into someone else??

about love and war

they claim that all is fair in love and war, but I need an answer to this: In affairs of love (and war), when is letting go a strength?? and when is it a weakness?? Does hanging on mean that one is too weak to let go and move on?? or that one is strong enough to admit one's feelings and to hang on to a (non-existent) glimpse of a hope??? Or is it -just like most things- another gray area??

randam thoughts

I realized that most of the time it's becoming easier for me not to talk stuff. I'd feel this huge load on my chest, keep thinking about it for hours, days and sometimes weeks, perhaps giving some main headlines to close friends, but not talk it off like I used to do in the past. I don't know if I lost the will to talk or just the talent to express. !! That is one of many changes that I am realizing about myself that make me very uncomfortable. so I am actually writing now to Get it out in the open, no matter how long or short this post becomes. I used to be a control freak; I can't say I liked it , but it was the way I knew how to handle things, the way my life went on. Now, I'm becoming so passive, always on the wait-and-see mood. And no, not the patience wait-and-see rather the passive, i-hope-things-work-out-without-me-needing-to-change-anything. It's bringing me down really, but I'm too tired to do anything about it. I think it's rather sad, that at the age of 27, I realized that life is going in a direction that I neither like nor enjoy yet I don't have the strength nor willpower to change that. Not that I know what *exactly* I want to do with my life, but at least I know what I don't want; and that's what I have now. I've always had that problem, it's easier for me to find what I don't want and use elimination to reach what I want. That's what I did for choosing university; I knew I didn't want medicine, economics, politics, ...etc. I'm not sure I did the right thing by choosing law, I keep thinking what would have my life turned out to be if I didn't! Anyway, I can't even organize my thoughts. Back to the present, there's no use dwelling over the past, when we have a whole present to whine about. So, my life, directions, ...etc. Note to self: I must stop trying to make a joke of every serious thing I say. So what if people take me seriously and think I'm emotional. Since when did I become funny anyway. That's one of the things I'm hating about me, I always crack a joke at the end of a statement which I think will cause sympathy, I have no idea why!!!. It may be a way of saving pride, but then again, since when did pride become a factor in my evaluation of things. A good friend told me "you're only hurting yourself", but don't I always!? Back to the direction, I'm as furthest as I've been with God, and this is causing me great distress. I tried so many approaches either advised by friends and family or written in books, but I'm always preoccupied with something else. Or I do something good and then follow it with a catastrophe the following day ,my thoughts and ideas are messed up. I know and believe in particular things but I keep doubting myself. It's driving me mad. Love life isn't any better than religious life, I'm desperately in love with someone who happened to stop love me or still love me but can't marry me or whatever... I know life is supposed to move on and that maybe God is saving someone better for me , or that maybe simply this one is not meant to be. I know I dragged myself into this mess and it's only me that can get myself out. I know that you're gonna say he's not worth my tears. And that if really knew my "worth", he'd be with me and all that. I know it by heart, but at the end of the day, there are two types of people; people who you leave the world behind to be with them and people who you leave behind to be with the world. Life and experience proved that I'm the second type, he's the first. End of story. Work, work is shit! I don't think I ever had a job that caused me that much anxiety and lack of sleep. I have mixed and contradicting feelings about my new job. For many, this may be the dream job, but for me, it's still on the wait-and-see list. It'd be good if things got better, but if they don't that means I'd have to face myself with the scariest question; so, what else do you want to do? I really don't know. Questions I keep asking myself are; should one just take the first opportunity that life threw on my way (taking the its a sign approach), adapt and move on, Or should I keep looking for the next best thing? Friends?! still i am not over the death of A.S. I don't need to seek other friends, now . You know the i-need-a-hug feeling? I can't always be the whiner when everyone has much problems as I do. And the other friends who I don't see often? I keep saying, meet them and then what? they'll ask so what's new and I'd say what? same old same old? Oh I can't do that. Family, is almost ok, besides the constant arguments regarding them wanting me to get married to the first bozo that proposes because I'm getting older. Actually, all the arguments with my mum is about this issue, she was not only provocative but also insulting. Thinking about it, as for my dad he always say he treats me as a friend not as a daughter and matter fact thats how i feel, yet there's always something bothering him about me, my chooses, my life style, my friends, my work.. he's this kind of person who believe there's two ways to do things his way and the wrong way !!! Here? I #$%^$ hate it. Khalas, I can't stand it. I really need to get out of this country. I can't stand the traffic, the people, the garbage problem, the hypocrisy, the rudeness, the misinterpretation of religion and most of all, I can't stand living in a place where I feel there is no hope. But I have to again be passive, wait-and-see, because this point highly depends on family, love life and work (see above), so we go back to square zero. I keep thinking about the above points in random order all the time , ALL THE TIME. It tires me and puts a huge load on my chest. And being a grown up who knows that Santa doesn't exist and that no sweet fairy-god-mother of mine will magically make all worries and troubles disappear, I find myself thinking, that if life will keep getting worse (which it will), and if there is nothing in my hand to make it better (which is becoming increasingly true with time), then we might as well, excuse ourselves, put on our hats and just leave!? So I'm not suicidal enough to put an end to it, nor am I religious enough to decide to dedicate the rest of my life to well-doing. So? What next, spend the next few days(or weeks, or months) staring at the ceiling and hoping for some positive winds of change? And that's the point when I realized, oh, well, clearly I am depressed. Hence, I decided, for lack of anything positive I can do about it, I'll just wait-and-see

i would like to share this

Out of the blue and without any introductions, I just want to share with you the most optimistic ayah in the Quraan. "قُلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَى أَنفُسِهِمْ لا تَقْنَطُوا مِن رَّحْمَةِ اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ" ""O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of God: for God forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."

Something Dead Inside

My face will never show The fact that I want to hide But I already know There's something dead inside It's dead, has been for years No matter how I try Looking for smiles or tears Only to myself I lie You can never wake the dead I've learned it the hard way And what I got instead Was a curse that's meant to stay Don't look for my dark side Don't try to dig below Whether murder or suicide I think I'm ready to go Things could never get worse When trying to run away Chased by an eternal curse I'm forced to remain astray Nothing in front of me And nothing left behind My eyes can barely see There's something dead inside

note to self

stop when you can no longer remember why you started.

Definitions VIII

ينحني ظهر الإنسان عندما ينطر للأرض لا للسماء يعم الظلام قلبه عندما يغلق جميع حجراته تختفي لمعة عينيه عندما تطالب روحه بحقها في النور الأبدي فيسكب عليها حفنة من رماد الدنيا

الآن تندم

عزيزي فلان لعلك تدرك الآن أو بالتأكيد تعلم أنني لم أعد كما أردتني وأن كل شيء كل شيء لم يعد مثلما كان رغم أنك أنت بنفسك من غيرتني وجعلتني أقوى أنت من أغلقت بابك في وجهي لم أعد تلك التي تلاحقك كجرو يلهث وراءك مقتفياً أثرك لم أعد تلك الهرة المبتلة بالدموع في الظلام الحالك في ايامك العاصفة التى قالت يوما لا اريد سواك التى قالت يوما انت الدفء انت الأمان ممتنة أنا لك لأنك حررتني بعد أن سلبتني عمرا ودموعا وقلبا ولم يتبقى لك سوى هذه الزهور الدابلة التى جلست كل يوم تراه وهى تموت اما انا فساتنتظر ربيعاً يحيينى من جديد أو عاشقاً بدموعه يروينى في يوم عيد أما أنت فستبقى منكسراً وحيداً تعيش بين أوهامك تائهاً في سراب بعيد اليوم عدت أنا للحياة والآن تندم

exclamation mark

the intro why do we have high buildings and wide highways, but short temperaments and narrow points of view!! why do We spend more, but enjoy less! why do We have big houses, but small families! why do We have more compromises, but less time.! why do We have more knowledge, but less judgment! why do We have more medicines, but less health! why do We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values! why do We talk much! why do we love only a little! why do we hate too much! We reached the moon and came back, but we find it troublesome to cross our own street and meet our neighbors. We have conquered the outer space, but not our inner space. We have higher income, but less morals… we live in times with more liberty, but less joy… With much more food, but less nutrition… These are times of finer houses, but more broken homes. the conclusion do not keep anything for a special occasion, because every day that you live is a special occasion. Search for knowledge, read more, sit on your front porch and admire the view without paying attention to the needs. spend more time with your family, eat your favorite food, visit the place you love. Life is a chain of moments of enjoyment; it isn’t only survival. Use your crystal goblets. Do not save your best perfume… use it every time you feel you want it. Take out from your vocabulary phrases like, “one of these days” and “someday”. Let’s write that letter we thought of writing “one of these days…” tell your families and friends how much you love them. Never pass up a chance at adding laughter and joy to your life. Every day, hour, and minute are special… Because you never know if it will be your last… and trust me “one of these days” can be very far away, and you may not be there to see it…

just a wish

May the smile on your face Come straight from your heart

note to him

if one day you realized we haven't talked in awhile, remember you were the one who pushed me away when i wasn't ready to leave..

my humbled opinion about fairytales

i realized that i'm that kindda of girl who always thought that fairy-tales never come true and its just bullshit people fill young kids head with to put them to sleep i realized that i'm that kindda of girl who doesn't want a fairytale, i'd rather write my own realistic story...

best treat

When she walks away from you mad - [Follow her] When she stares at your lips - [Kiss her] When she pushes you or hit's you - [Grab her and don’t let go] When she start's cursing at you - [Kiss her and tell her you love her] When she's quiet - [Ask her what’s wrong] When she ignores you - [Give her your attention] When she pulls away - [Pull her back] When you see her at her worst - [Tell her she's beautiful] When you see her start crying - [Just hold her and don’t say a word] When you see her walking - [Sneak up and hug her waist from behind] When she's scared - [Protect her] When she lays her head on your shoulder - [Tilt her head up and kiss her] When she steals your favorite hat - [Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night] When she tease's you - [Tease her back and make her laugh] When she doesn’t answer for a long time - [reassure her that everything is okay] When she looks at you with doubt - [Back yourself up with the TRUTH] When she says that she likes you - [she really does more than you could understand] When she grabs at your hands - [Hold hers and play with her fingers] When she bumps into you - [bump into her back and make her laugh] When she tells you a secret - [keep it safe and untold] When she looks at you in your eyes - [don’t look away until she does] WHEN SHE MISSES YOU - [SHES HURTING INSIDE] When you break her heart - [the pain NEVER really goes away] When she says its over - [she STILL wants you to be hers] When she write something and post [she wants you to read it] Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything DON'T let her have the last word NEVER call her hot! Pretty and beautiful is so much better Say you love her more than she could ever love you - Argue that she is the best girl ever When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go When she says she's OK don’t believe it, talk with her When she says she's sorry, she truly means it Because 10 yrs later she'll remember you Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her Call her before you sleep and after you wake up Treat her like she's all that matters to you Stay up all night with her when she's sick Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid Give her the world Let her wear your clothes When she's bored and sad, hang out with her Let her know “she's important” Kiss her in the pouring rain IMPORTANT When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;"Who's butt am I kicking today baby? :)"

احاديث قدسيه

قال سبحانه وتعالى: ( يا ابن آدم جعلتك في بطن أمك.. و غشيت وجهك بغشاء لئلا تنفر من الرحم .. و جعلت وجهك إلى ظهر أمك لئلا تؤذيك رائحة الطعام .. و جعلت لك متكأ عن يمينك و متكأ عن شمالك فأما الذي عن يمينك فالكبد... و أما الذي عن شمالك فالطحال ... و علمتك القيام و القعود في بطن أمك .. فهل يقدر على ذلك غيري ؟؟ فلما أن تمّت مدتك.. و أوحيت إلى الملك بالأرحام أن يخرجك فأخرجك على ريشة من جناحه. لا لك سن تقطع .. و لا يد تبطش... ولا قدم تسعى .. فأنبعث لك عرقين رقيقين في صدر أمك يجريان لبنا خالصا.. حار في الشتاء و باردا في الصيف . و ألقيت محبتك في قلب أبويك. فلا يشبعان حتى تشبع ... و لا يرقدان حتى ترقد .. فلما قوي ظهرك و أشتد أزرك . بارزتني بالمعاصي في خلواتك و لم تستحي مني . و مع هذا إن دعوتني أجبتك (و إن سألتني أعطيتك .. و إن تبت إليّ قبلتك) ............................................................................................ ابن ادم عندك مايكفيك وانت تطلب مايطغيك لا بقليل تقنع ولا من كثير تشبع اذا اصبحت معافى فى جسدك آمنا فى سربك عندك قوت يومك فعلى الدنيا العفاء ......................................................................................... يقول رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم مامن يوم الا والبحر يستأذن ربه ان يغرق ابن ادم والملائكه تستأذنه ان تعاجله وتهلكه .والله تعالى يقول :دعوا عبدى فانا اعلم اذا انشأته من الارض .ان كان عبدكم فشأنكم به وان كان عبدى فمنى والي ......عبدى وعزتى وجلالى ان اتانى ليلا قبلته ...وان اتانى نهارا قبلته ...وان تقرب منى شبرا تقربت منه ذراعا وان تقرب منى ذراعا تقربت منه باعا وان مشى الي هرولت اليه ...وان استغفرنى غفرت له وان استقالنى اقلته وان تاب الي تبت عليه من اعظم منى جودا وكرما وانا الجواد الكريم ؟ عبيدى يبيتون يبادروننى بالعظائم وانا اكلؤهم فى مضاجعهم واحرسهم فى فرشهم من اقبل الى تلقيته من بعيد ومن ترك لاجلى اعطيته ومن تصرف بحولى وقوتى ألنت له الحديد ومن أراد مرادى اردت ما يريد اهل زكرى اهل مجالستى واهل شكرى اهل زيارتى واهل طاعتى اهل كرامتى واهل معصيتى لا اقنطهم من رحمتى انا تابوا الى فانا حبيبهم وان لم يتوبوا فانا طبيبهم ابتليتهم من المصائب لاطهرهم من المعائب ................................................................................................ ذكر وهب بن منبه ان الله اوحى الى داود فى الزبور: "ياداود انه سيأتى من بعدك نبى اسمه احمد ومحمدلا اغضب عليه ابدا ولا يغضبنى ابدا وقد غفرت له قبل ان يعصانى ما تقدم من ذنبه وما تأخر وأمته مرحومه اعطيتهم من النوافل مثل ما اعطيت الانبياء وفرضت عليهم الفرائض التى افترضت على الانبياء والرسل حتى يأتونى يوم القيامه ونورهم مثل نور الانبياء الى ان قال ياداود انى فضلت محــــــــمد وأمــــــــــته على الامم كلهـــــــــــــــــا ........................................................................................................... .قال صلى الله عليه وسلم عن رب العزة: قال الله عز وجل ((انى والانس والجن لفى نبا عظيم--اخلق ويعبد غيرى--ارزق ويشكر سواى خيرى الى العباد نازل وشرهم الى صاعد--اتحبب اليهم بالنعم وانا الغنى عنهم-- ويتبغضون الى بالمعاصى وهم احوج شئ الى. اهل ذكرى اهل مجالستى فمن اراد ان يجالسنى فليذكرنى--اهل طاعتى اهل محبتى واهل معصيتى لااقنطهم من رحمتى فان تابوا الى فانا حبيبهم وان لم يتوبوا الى فانا طبيبهم. ان اقبل الى واحد منهم تلقيته من بعيد-- وان اعرض عنى واحد منهم عاصيا ناديته من قريب قائلا:الى اين تذهب الك رب غيرى؟؟؟!!!!!! الحسنة عندى بعشر امثالها وازيد-- والسيئة عندى بمثلها وقد اعفو وعزتى وجلالى لان استغفرونى غفرتها لهم) ................................................................................................... قال رسول الله عليه الصلاة والسلام؛يقول الله عزوجل عبدي اذكرك وتنساني؛استرك ولا ترعاني....؛ وعزتي وجلالي لو امرت الارض لابتلعتك في بطنها...؛ ولو امرت البحار لاغرقتك في معينها.....؛ ولكن اجلتك لوقت قد وقته.....؛ واجل قد حددته....؛ فلا بد من الورود علي...؛ والوقوف بين يدي...؛ احصي لك اعمالك...؛ واذكر لك افعالك...؛ حتى اذا ايقنت بالبوار وظننت انك من اهل النار قلت لك:؛ عبدي لا تحزن.....؛ اني لاجلك سميت نفسي الغفار ......................................................................................... عن النبي صلى الله عليه وسلم ، فيما روى عن الله تبارك وتعالى أنه قال "يا عبادي ! إني حرمت الظلم على نفسي وجعلته بينكم محرما . فلا تظالموا . يا عبادي ! كلكم ضال إلا من هديته . فاستهدوني أهدكم . يا عبادي ! كلكم جائع إلا من أطعمته . فاستطعموني أطعمكم . يا عبادي ! كلكم عار إلا من **وته . فاست**وني أ**كم . يا عبادي ! إنكم تخطئون بالليل والنهار ، وأنا أغفر الذنوب جميعا . فاستغفروني أغفر لكم . يا عبادي ! إنكم لن تبلغوا ضري فتضروني . ولن تبلغوا نفعي فتنفعوني . يا عبادي ! لو أن أولكم وآخركم وإنسكم وجنكم . كانوا على أتقى قلب رجل واحد منكم . ما زاد ذلك في ملكي شيئا . يا عبادي ! لو أن أولكم وآخركم . وإنسكم وجنكم . كانوا على أفجر قلب رجل واحد . ما نقص ذلك من ملكي شيئا . يا عبادي ! لو أن أولكم وآخركم . وإنسكم وجنكم . قاموا في صعيد واحد فسألوني . فأعطيت كل إنسان مسألته . ما نقص ذلك مما عندي إلا كما ينقص المخيط إذا أدخل البحر . يا عبادي ! إنما هي أعمالكم أحصيها لكم . ثم أوفيكم إياها . فمن وجد خيرا فليحمد الله . ومن وجد غير ذلك فلا يلومن إلا نفسه" . وفي رواية : "إني حرمت على نفسي الظلم وعلى عبادي . فلا تظالموا" ........................................................................................... "يابن آدم : لا تخف من ذى سلطان مادام سلطاني وملكي لا يزول يابن آدم : لا تخف من فوات الرزق مادامت خزائني مملوءة لا تنفذ يابن آدم : خلقتُ الأشياء كلها من أجلك وخلقتُك من أجلي فسِر في طاعتي يُطِعك كل شئ يا بن آدم: لي عليك فريضة ولك علي رزق، فإن خالفتني في فريضتي لم أخالفك في رزقك يا بن آدم: إن رضيتَ بما قسمته لك أرحتُ قلبكَ و إن لم ترضي بم قسمته لك فوعزتي وجلالي لأسلّطنّ عليك الدنيا تركض فيها كركض الوحوش في البرية ولا ينالُك منها إلا ما قسمتُه لك وكنت عندي مذموماً ............................................................................................... “إنى والإنس والجن فى نبأ عظيم، أخلق ويعبد غيرى، أرزق ويشكر سواى، خيرى إلى العباد نازل وشرهم إلىّ صاعد، أتودد إليهم بالنعم وأنا الغنى عنهم! ويتبغضون إلىّ بالمعاصي وهم أفقر ما يكونون إلى. أهل ذكرى أهل مجالستى، من أراد أن يجالسنى فليذكرنى، أهل طاعتى أهل محبتى، أهل معصيتى لا أقنطهم من رحمتى، إن تابوا إلى فأنا حبيتهم وإن أبوا فأنا طبيبهم، أبتليهم بالمصائب لأطهرهم من المعايب ، من أتانى منهم تائباً تلقيته من بعيد، ومن أعرض عنى ناديته من قريب، أقول له : أين تذهب؟ ألك رب سواى، الحسنة عندى بعشرة أمثالها وأزيد، والسيئة عندى بمثلها وأعفو، وعزتى وجلالى لو استغفرونى منها لغفرتها لهم”.

that i would be good

Alains Morissette knocked me out with this song that I would be good even if I did nothing that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down that I would be good if I got and stayed sick that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth that I would be great if I was no longer queen that I would be grand if I was not all knowing that I would be loved even when I numb myself that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed that I would be loved even when I was fuming that I would be good even if I was clingy that I would be good even if I lost sanity that I would be good whether with or without you

Karma

--- Excerpts from Wikipedia --- ...is the concept of "action" or "deed" in Indian religions understood as that which causes the entire cycle of cause and effect. Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others. ... the tenet of the law of karma is essentially "if you do good things, good things will happen to you — if you do bad things, bad things will happen to you" --- End of Wikipedia Excerpt --- So, "Everything's Eventual".. The Universe, or Multiverse if you will, is constantly balanced, what goes around comes around and no bad deed goes unpunished...... at least eventually.. I once almost a year ago told someone "Life treats good people good, at least eventually", and he replied "I agree.. I just have trouble believing I am good people" Well, maybe you are, maybe you're not.. Eventually, we'll know.. "All is for the best in this best of all possible worlds." ~Candide by Voltaire

its just a thought

6 Billion people in the world. 6 Billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one.

i was born like this

I was born stubborn, a little b**chy, i push people, and push myself. I was taught to never take life for granted, to live a little, to love with everything I had to never give up, to believe in myself but most of all... to fight for myself.

affairs of the heart

rainy ...gray.. cold day

somehow cold weather reminds me of the family gathering in front of the TV in winter nights during my childhood, and sometimes it makes me have this Nostalgia for a life partner i never knew, or for a warm summer day with a lover that i already lost !! I like it when its cold..when am walking in the cold.. I came in a while ago..Weird thing is, i was in a totally totally black mood.. Here's a thing about me, i really let myself down when am depressed.. the thing is, i am almost always cheerful, so its like i think of myself as the glue that keeps it all together.. if i collapse, what/who will keep this together... Don't get me wrong, its not like i carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.. but i just take it as my responsibility to feel good.. anyway, by seem weird act of fate, i ended up strolling the rainy streets alone and all of a sudden Queen's "Love of my life" start playing in my head and i was walking in the rain, Somehow when i am in a gloomy mood and it starts raining, it instantly picks me up.. maybe the fact that the sky is crying as well makes me feel a little better :) Anyway, i had a lot to say but somehow i cant say it now... bass never mind....

realizations about life part 2 :)

maybe it's not about being the best. maybe it's about finding the little things that get me through the day. whether it's the support of someone close to me, or letting myself feel overwhelmed even only for a moment, or being selfless every once in awhile. i don't know. i guess in the end, its about surviving, any way i can.

3endi se2a feek !!

I have the general infatuation with Fairouz.. But this is one of the songs that really knock me off my feet.. If there is an OST for my life, this song is definitely there.. عندي ثقة فيك ..عندي أمل فيك ..و بيكفّي شو بدك يعني أكتر بعد فيك؟ عندي حلم فيك ..عندي ولع فيك ..و بيكفّي شو بدك إنه يعني موت فيك؟ والله راح موت فيك ..صدّق اذا فيك ..و بيكفي شو بدك مني اذا متت فيك؟ معقول في أكتر ؟ أنا ما عندي أكتر كل الجمل و يعني عم تنتهي فيك عندي ثقة فيك و بيكفي حبيتك متل ما حدا حب ولا بيوم راح بيحب و انت شايفها عادية و مش بهالأهمية بجرب ما بفهم شو علّقني بس فيك بكتب شعر فيك ..بكتب نثر فيك ..و بيكفّي شو ممكن أكتب بعد فيك؟ معقول في أكتر ؟ أنا ما عندي أكتر ما كل الجمل يعني عم تنتهي فيك تحكيني متل طفل صغير و هاملني كتير لو شي مرة صبحية ..تفكر تتصل فيّ قل لي شو ياللي بيعلقني بس فيك؟ عندي ثقة فيك ..عندي أمل فيك ..و بيكفّي شو بدك يعني أكتر بعد فيك؟ عندي حلم فيك ..عندي ولع فيك ..و بيكفّي شو بدك إنه يعني موت فيك؟ والله راح موت فيك ..صدّق اذا فيك ..و بيكفي شو بدك مني اذا متت فيك؟