one of you've got mail memorable quotes ''stolen thoughts''

Sometimes I wonder about my life. 
I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small 
and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave?
 So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, why shouldn't it be the other way around? 
I don't really want an answer.
 I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void.
 So good night, dear void.

prayer from today

ربي إن كآنت آلدنيآ متعبة لي فألهمني آلصبر حتى أغآدرها إليك . . وآجعل خآتمتي من أفضل أعمآلي . . وآقضني إليك وأنت قد طهرتني من ذنوبي

a question from today

when your previous life experiences preset your heart and mind to be always afraid
afraid of opening up in fear of getting hurt,
afraid of getting close to someone in fear of watching them walk away,
afraid of loving in fear of losing ones you love,
afraid of pausing and relaxing for a while in fear of missing something
what should you do???

Sanity or insanity ?!!

I was thinking recently of the reason behind all this, what I write and share here..
I am not entirely a private person, not to my close ones and not to all details, however, I find it a bit "cheap" to share deep and private emotions over a blog for anyone (not worthy enough!) to read.. I realize am a bit judgmental (cheap, not worthy, yes!)..

And this thinking led me to some conclusions..
I do like sharing, but I do not always like relating. I realized, therefore, I was doing this for me.
I was doing this to have some concrete proof of my (in)sanity. Taking snapshots of my life.
Not necessarily as it is but as it appears to be.
Chosen recorded moments, over a span of almost 2 years now. Impressive..

A lot has changed..
Going back and reading, sometimes I don't even understand what made me write something or the other..
Sometimes I even forget that I felt this way about something or someone.

The frequency of posts is proportionate (directly or inversely I don't need to tell!) to the intensity of actions and feelings..

It is like spying on myself from outside my head.
I find that amusing! The happiness, the bitterness, the nostalgia, the anger, the cynicism, and -occasionally- the temporary peace..

My concrete proof of sanity..
this time without the doubting parentheses.

Pessimism..

last Saturday i were at Diwan Heliopolis  in the upstairs cafe and i over heard the following conversation between A girl in her 20's sitting with 3 guys in their early 20s

they were discussing some business or group of a sort..
I'm a couple of meters away from them so it is -as always- easy to eavesdrop. Apparently the girl represents some company that recruits salespeople who work from home and get paid only on commission based on performance by end of year, etc..
Something that sounds too fishy and slightly too good to be true..
For some reason, she is only addressing one of the guys.
The other two seem like they are the guy's friends, but also like they are already in the girl's team somehow.

The guy -as all guys do- is trying to act 'fetek'. Like he is asking all the "right" questions, and what if this, and what if that, and what guarantees, etc. But it also seems he's game..

So in the middle of it all, I hear a sentence that was going to make me laugh out loud.

Girl: so, f aswa2 el zoroof, you will have 10 contacts.

Guy: tayeb, howa fee aswa2 men aswa2 el zoroof?

Girl: Enta motasha2em bardo?

I thought they called it aswa2 el zoroof for a reason..

a quote from today

It is easy to be a hater.
Go for the difficult task: be a lover

Paper Dreams escaping Surreality

stolen thoughts

"The sense of unhappiness is so much easier to convey than that of happiness. In misery we seem aware of our own existence, even though it may be in the form of a monstrous egotism: this pain of mine is individual, this nerve that winces belong to me and to no other. But happiness annihilates us: we lose our identity."

~ Graham Greene, The End of the Affair

a quote from today

We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” — Dr. Seuss

al bo7tory says

أُلامُ على هواكِ وليس عدلاً إذا أحببْتُ مثلَكِ أنْ أُلامَا

a thought from today

the following question came a cross my mind today:
Am i living my life out of fear or out of love?

in my own prospective When we make decisions based on love, we live a life of purpose and life flows in a harmonious manner, bringing many rewards.
Making decisions based on fear brings resistance to the flow of life, ultimately bringing disharmony and unhappiness yet its some how safer, with no risks.!!

al motanaby says

فليتَ هوى الأحبة كان عدلاً فحمّلَ كلَّ قلبٍ ما أطاقا

The Castle in the Pyrenees

"Can we make a solemn promise to delete every email we send each other after we've read them? I mean straight away, right then and there, and that naturally means no printouts either....We will step outside time, leave what we call ‘reality’."

~ Jostein Gaarder, The Castle in the Pyrenees


For Steinn and Solrun, the Internet is their reconnection, the means by which they rekindle what was lost so long ago. This is probably the seventh novel I read for Gaarder, and I am again captivated by his storytelling, by his views on the universe, our footprint on the planet, and definitely on love. I get lost inside the stories within stories. I am still in the beginning, but I know it already got to me.

and then she tells him (referring to the painting above):
" But perhaps you're blind. Perhaps you're both narrow-minded and short-sighted.
Do you remember that Magritte picture of a huge lump of rock floating above the ground? I think it had a small castle on top. You can't have forgotten that picture.
But if you'd witnessed something similar today, you would certainly have tried to explain it away. Maybe you'd have said it was a trick. That the rock was hollow and filled with helium. Or that it was supported by an ingenious network of invisibly pulleys and wires.
I'm a much simpler soul. I would probably just have raised my arms to the boulder and sung out my 'hallelujah' or my 'amen'."

...and thus speaks the emotional to the rational. They are lovers who were separated by space and time, meeting again -by coincidence or some universal masterplan- after 30 years. Trying to understand each other, trying to understand what drove them apart.

---------------

"It's strange to think about now. That was before I believed in anything. But only just before."

prayer from today

الهي ان اعطيتني قبلت وان منعتني رضيت وان تركتني دعوت وان دعوتني اجبت فاعطني الهي ما اريد فان لم تعطني ما اريد فارزقني القناعه بم تريد

one of my weird philosophies of life

It hurts,
and you've been avoiding it,hoping it gets better,
but it just doesn't!
Pain won't go away on its own, right?
A new approach is if it hurts, beat it harder,
you'll either faint and loose consciousness or develop immunity, either way, it won't hurt!

a quote from today

"If you're brave to say 'good bye', life will reward you with a new 'hello'" ~ Paulo Coelo

a thought from today

What's ironic about knowing what you want is that you don't usually get it. Come on, you can't expect life to let you know it AND to get it as well!

a thought from today

Sometimes all i need is only to wake up from reality and rest on a cloud for a period of time

I do have stories to tell

"You are so terribly nimble, so clever. I distrust your cleverness. You make a wonderful pattern, everything is in its place, it looks convincingly clear, too clear. And meanwhile, where are you? Not on the clear surface of your ideas, but you have already sunk deeper, into darker regions, so that one only thinks one has been given all your thoughts, one only imagines you have emptied yourself in that clarity. But there are layers and layers -- you're bottomless, unfathomable. Your clearness is deceptive. You are the thinker who arouses most confusion in me, most doubt, most disturbance."
~Anaïs Nin, August 1932 "Henry & June"

but well..

I find patterns amusing..
not always good/happy, but always amusing.
Same time last year I thought about patterns, and then accused myself of jumping too soon to conclusions, of categorizing, stereotyping, etc.

This time I see them again, I can sense the air, and I find it cynical, this "self defense against self defense" as it was called by the other.
But there is nothing I can say or do about it.
Complaining, commenting, requesting, confronting, it won't get you any where. Ignoring, avoiding, denying,
well it might get you nowhere, but it will get you there with the remains of the day, and the dignity..

Cute and sort of childish how I sound so serious and mysterious..
I need to go back to being the Scheherazade of storytelling...
and I do have stories to tell.

flapped and zapped

Life before lasik

Since I were maybe 8 years old I have been suffering of da3f el nazr and it has been going from bad to worse through those 20 years

I had my first glasses when I were 8 years old, I remember that day as it was yesterday it was a Thursday evening I just came back from school was having my lunch watching “bo2loz wa mama nagwa” my dad waited until I finished lunch and the show ended and he handed the glasses to me, back then glasses was not at all stylish and children glasses was not been invented so you can imagine the ugly plastic yellowish frame and glass lenses :s not a very bratty scene
I remember crying the minute I put it on, and as it was long ago I don’t remember my exact feeling back then but I remember I didn’t like it
People back then used to look at children wearing glasses as they are kind of disabled
For maybe 12 years I used to wear glasses though I never liked it, no matter what frame I picked, no matter of colored lenses, compressed ones, focused ones never ever liked them, never ever liked the way I looked wearing them, always made me feel less confident about myself yet I wear them night and day because I can’t see clearly without it.
And of course if you are not wearing glasses you never can imagine the pressure, how I used to be tensed when it breaks “lelah sodah lelah teeen”.
Then 8 years ago a friend of mine introduced me to contact lenses
Finally I got my freedom I were glasses free
Lenses I actually liked, enjoyed wearing I used transparent ones so people rarely noticed them.
Medically talking lenses gave me irritation, dryness, redness etching
So lenses must go hand in hand with moisturizing drops, clean environment and a strict cleansing daily schedule and above all contact lenses must never be used for more than 6 to 7 hours a day :s
So after all this time, effort, monthly budged its not practical 
Then during this lenses period of my life I started hearing about some kind of one day lasir operation that fixes your eyes once and for all, at first I just didn’t care enough, then many of my friends had the procedure and told me about it, encouraged me to go ahead and do it, so a year ago I went to the hospital did the required tests and before the operation I chickened out and delayed it,
Then again I put it in my 2010 resolutions which I proudly achieved most of it, so I googled it, wikipided it, did my researches, knew all I needed to know, actually I knew more than I needed to know
And here it goes I took it seriously, set with the doctor who’s first instruction was to stop wearing lenses for at least 2 weeks before the procedure, and I did, then I went and paid for it in advanced to commit myself even more,
Then they called and set me a date to operate the 15th of September I went on time did a blood test, another cornea test, and then I waited and waited and waited for 5 hours alone at the hospital, as there was some messing in the doctor schedule that day
Amazingly I was calm, didn’t panic during that long waiting period, wearing that dark blue hospital outfit, having fuzzy thoughts but only one that I recall clearly now, I want to get it done
They calls my name, I get inside the O.R which was almost the same as the one I sow earlier on the video, which somehow made me feel calmer as I was assured I’ll know what’s happening even if I was just blindly lying there.
the assistant asked me to lay down, covered me with a light blue cover, and then the doctor tried to start a conversation to chill me up which would have been good and would properly work for someone who didn’t know exactly what’s about to happen in every single detail , so I just made a joke and said “talk to me about the burning smell that I’m about to smell  “
the assistant cut the conversation by cleaning my eye with petadeen asking me not to try and open my eyes so that I don’t feel the burning of the liquid she applied
anyway he started making the cut around my cornea, placing the flap away and I was like seeing what he was doing
even when I talked and my head moved while he was starting to operate on my left eye and the cut was a bit bloody I felt it !!!!
It was fine, no pain, quick procedure,
And I was so calm and brave though I was all alone, that the doctor said to me “ I know you’re alive because your eye is alive in front of me but why are you deadly silent”
And I said” I am watching you operate on me in my head now, and actually can see you returning that flap back to its place”
And he said” that’s way too much that you studied “
After he finished he asked me to get up slowly
Asked me if I can see the white board a meter away from me I said yes
He said that’s great
Then I was like “hey, you owe me some blood from my left eye” he signs a thumb up for me and said “congrats”
Asked me to wait outside with my eyes closed for 30 min
After that I opened my eyes and things were just better, not too clear but I could see enough, to put on my clothes, talk with the doctor about the pre-operation instructions, go down the stairs, cross the road to the pharmacy and get the prescription drops, stop a taxi and go home.
And that was the day
Life after lasik
16th of September
That day I walk, opened my eye, my vision was clear though the room was dimmed, and for the first time in my life I didn’t reach for my glasses when I waked up, I couldn’t believe myself, I kept blinking to make sure that its true, I had a follow up with my doctor that day at 12 pm so I started to change and get dressed and for the first time in my life I knew my exact body shape, as glasses used to focus things and make them appear smaller and lenses used to enlarge things to give me a better vision so that day was the first day that I sow me/ met me
in my way to the hospital I discovered that the green blocks in the side of the road are tree leaves and I was like crying though I couldn’t because my eyes are still dry due to the procedure I wanted to scream “ I can see leaves from a distance”
I was not wearing any makeup/ perfume, I wasn’t even allowed to wash my face with water, yet I felt beautiful, I felt confident inside and outside
The moment I sow my doctor I told him about that leaves thing and said “thanks a million” I was really grateful to the man “people who knows me know that I sometimes if not most of the time say thanks/sorry as a meaningless cliché”
And he said in Arabic the following sentence “ fakra lama konty btro7y el ba7r wel nadara btshabar wa kol shwaya temsa7yha, lama tro7y el mara el gayah eb2y eftekry el gomla de”
I am thankful to god and to my doctor
I am happy that I was flapped and zapped
I am proud of how my 2010 resolution is so far being achieved in away that scares me, in a way that sometime make me sleeps at night thanking god for all the blessing he surrounded me by till now..
And I am Out

Content saso

a bipolar character

You may have noticed, I was in a "down" mood lately.
I was obsessing about the idea that maybe
"that's it", that "this is as good as it gets" and that things wont get any better.
The idea is so scary people. It freaks me out! Imagine that.......

Well, I won't get into that now. It doesn't matter, actually it does, but that's not what I wanted to share with you today.

Because of this dark cloud above my head, I have been feeling sort of sad ; like I haven't achieved anything or done much in my life. And somehow, when you're down, even the positive things in your life seem dull, like the stars in the sky stop appearing due to dark clouds but once unexpected winds come over shoving the dark clouds away, you'd feel amazed by the amount of bright twinkling little dots glittering your name in the sky.

Thing is. I realized. I have a love for life..

actually, a lust for life.

I love so many things and like to try out some more. 

I like the outdoors, the active life as well as the little luxuries. 

I like travel and cultures and parties and sports. Yet I enjoy domestic activities like cooking, reading .

I'm a geek deep inside yet I care for fashion and social life.

I love romantic movies and cheesy romance novels,

super heroes and fantasy stuff. I like everything, almost! No wonder I'd have more disappointments than most people, I have more of everything than most people.

So I, Saso, the most bipolar person you could ever meet, have made the realization that , from now on, I will make life, a beautiful thing. That's how I see it when I am in my "ups", May God bless me with the ability to still see it this way when i'm in my "downs".

تائهه

لربما كبرت ولم اشعر
ولربما صغرت ولم اكبر
ما اذكر انى كنت اصيغ كلم وانثر
فشلت محاولتى ولم اعبر
حاولت المقاومة كى لا اكسر
وقررت الرحيل فلم اقدر
خططت فى بحر الشوق ان ابحر
اصبحت امد واجزر
احط وانزل
حتى لم ادرك سبيل المرفئ
وصرت تائهه فى اللا اذكر

a thought from today

نحن نعيش يوما بيوم ..ساعة بساعة ..دقيقة بدقيقة ..ثانية بثانية نعيش ونعيش ونحن مرتبطون برقاص الساعة..فهل هذه حياة؟؟؟

لعب

لا تثبت على رأى
ولا أثبت على طريقة
هكذا أنت وأنا
هكذا أنا وأنت
كالشمس ودوار الشمس
وفى الليل
نكف عن اللعب
ونحصى الخسارات
وألعب حتى النهاية
لأنه ضجر طويل..طويل

وألعب حتى النهاية
لأنه واقع من عدم الرضى
وألعب حتى الخسارة
لأنه تمرين متكرر ضد الموت
وألعب
لأنه به ازداد احتراقا
ولأنه وقود روحى

A mutual addiction.

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me.

و أكتشفت الكثير و مازلت استكشف

ملايين الاشياء تتطاير في رأسى
اشخاص , ذكريات ,اماكن ,روائح و مذاقات. كله يحدث في نفس الوقت :

قليلا منه بإختياري ومعظمه من تلقاء نفسه . و كأن القدر يلوح بالعصا السحرية ليجعل الوقت , ذلك العدو اللدود, يتوقف

و رغم عزة نفسى, يجب  أن اعترف بينما أنا دائمة الانشغال بالصراع لأخذ كل ما تستطيع الحياة أن تمنحني, فقدت قدرة التأمل الداخلي لمعرفة خبايا نفسي. بينما انا أبحث حولي عن كل ما يضيف معنى للحياة , انشغلت عن استكشاف مدى قدرتي على التكييف مع تلك الحياة . دائما كنت ابحث عن الجديد و المثير لأحارب الوقت و أقتل الملل. دائما في انتظار شئ ما . حاولت الاقدار كثيرا ان تجعلني أقف لأتأمل و لكن بلا جدوى , فقد كنت عالقة بالمستقبل متناسية الحاضر

و منذ عام ونصف , حدث تغيير , بدأت اركض وراء الحاضر غير مبالية بالمستقبل , و بناءا على ذلك, فلت مني زمام الامور و أصبحت الان هائمة بلا حاضر استطيع التحكم فيه و لا مستقبل انتظره بشوق. و وجدت نفسي في حاضر لم أختاره بعد انقضاء ذلك الحلم الجميل الذي سلبته الحياة مني. في هذا الحاضر المخيف احاول , و انا المهوسة بالتحكم وحب التملك , ان افهم الصراع الذى بداخلي بين ما كنت دوما و ما انا الأن . أحاول أن افهم سبب الفراغ الدائم في روحي مهما انشغلت بعشرات الاشياء

بالتأمل و المقارنة ,و بلا إثارة لأشياء جديدة و بكاء على ما انقضى , و بمساعدة صديق , بدأت رحلة الاستكشاف الداخلي منذ حوالي 5 اشهر. و رغم قصر المدة , إلا أني اكتشفت كثير لم أكن اعلمه ؛ اكتشفت عدم قدرتي على حمل الضغائن لمدة طويلة , أكتشفت تمسكي بذكرياتي للأشخاص مهما حال المنطق والظروف والاخطاء والوقت, أكتشفت قدرتي على التسامح , أكتشفت قدرتي على العطاء و التضحية, و اكتشفت رغم شك البعض اني "نكدية" أني افضل الابتسامة على البكاء , و أكتشفت أني رغم اني اكره الافراح و الفستان الابيض و المجاملات الاجتماعية أني اعشق صوت الزغروته التي تخرج من القلب , و و أكتشفت أن لو كان عندي سبب واحد فقط للقيام من النوم فيكون اليوم ذو مغزى و معنى, و أكتشفت حبي لعملي سواء أحببت مكان العمل أو لا,

The Wailin Jennys

  i am relating to these words currently, actually i have been for a while now

I held on for so long
Dusty quaint old song
Things attach with glue
Live and die and gone

June flowers are so bold
On the devil's paintbrush road
The devil paints a double life
And there I dare not go

Live and die and gone
Live and die and gone
The devil paints a double life
Live and die and gone

I'm not the cheating kind
It snuck from behind
Kicked in the door to someday
I can't get her off my mind

All or nothing now
Might as well be true
Leave the dream of hearth and home
That never will come true

Live and die and gone
Live and die and gone
Leave the dream of hearth and home
Live and die and gone

Sweet wild road ahead
Sweet wild road ahead
If I lied and said that all was well
I might as well be dead

Single I was born
And single I will die
I'll marry myself to the whole wide world
And never make her cry

Live and die and gone
Live and die and gone
I'll marry myself to the whole wide world
Live and die and gone

Live and die and gone
Live and die and gone
The devil paints a double life
Live and die and gone

back straightening words together

today i thought of going  to the cobbler

and fix that hole in my shoe
He took one look at me
And said, "I can fix that hole in you"

I beg your pardon,

I'm not looking for a cure .!!
Seen enough of people and life

In the depths of the sick blues
 

You know I am a liar Nobody Helps a Liar...

And you don't know what I have done 

NOBODY knows.. 

a question from today

are you satisfied with merely knowing the acts of God, or do you still want to know His ways???

somebody please tell me its not just me?

wisdom from today

the most important thing in listening is to hear what isn't being said.!!

the truth

here's the truth about the truth:
IT HURTS.!!
so we simply choose to lie.

lie to ourselves, to our beloved ones

we fake ourselves and say we are gonna come clean and spell the truth out, and then something or someone tells us not to, not right now not today, not in such circumstances, there's always an excuse.

the truth do hurts so we lie !!....

a quote from today

"Smile," they said, "Life could be worse!"

So I did,

and it was.!!

just a prayer

Dear God,

would you please show me a sign to make me believe that this nostalgia will fade away one day,

and if not would you please consider blessing me with the blessing of forgetting, 

and if not would you please take away my heart from me i don't wanna feel anymore.!!

thanks in advanced

me 

this is the thing

the things that keep us apart keep me alive. and the things that keep me alive keep me alone.

i don't wanna talk about it

I'm assuming that I may not be happy where my life is going or at least where my life "is" right now though its not really a big deal to me, as long as i'm in an in between phase of happiness and misery.
reason i say so is because each day i add a new issue to my " I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT" list

which i sometimes call it my "easy way list"
i  might seem aggressive to people from the out side but i know and people who really know me well know i'm not, yet to me i think I'm becoming tense, having this fear of tomorrow, having a huge feeling of emptiness and loneliness yet i don't feel lost just irritable.

 it's one of those phases which I just feel like curling in bed,
or hiding  in the corner of my room with curtains closed and hope nobody finds me.
I just don't wanna talk about things or perhaps talk about anything
 i don't wanna talk about:

Why do you often think about him? I don't want to talk about it.

Why aren't  you making new friends? i don't want to talk about it

Where is folana? We haven't heard her name in a while. 

What are you doing this weekend? 

Why don't you go out anymore? I don't want to talk about it.

why are you afraid of eating? Are you still on a diet? loosing weight? 

Is that your breakfast? I don't want to talk about it. 

Are you still single? 

No one interesting around you?

I don't want to talk about it. 

still not fitting in at your new work?I don't want to talk about it. 

whats wrong with you? I just don't want to talk about it..

i mean we all have our issues to handle so i don't wanna annoy others with my own issues that's if they truly cared, but if not my life is a subject for chit-chatting 

About a scarred heart..

they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

but they never mentioned that to get stronger, you have to be killed inside..!

A heart always heals.. 

so it can get hurt again.

Hurts that leave scars.
Scars to remind you ! 

Remind you of what you can never forget.
Scars to let you know how strong you've become !!

And when you finally feel strong enough,You realize that you never actually needed strength !

All you need is a living memory to remind you that you are still alive in the times you feel so dead !

Souls trapped in dead selves,chased by memories..

When the world goes around and only your clock stops,You find yourself frozen in time,alone.

You try to escape to never land...

Walking in passages surrounded by smoke ,

everything is so clear,you look, you see, you smile,it's dark..

but it's your picture perfect !

You reach for your voice ,but talking is too painful, listening to your own voice aches !
Aching inside with every echo..!

You are never sober ,but always awake, always aware..

 You die in the most times you are living

Fight for a breath when all you inhale is smoke.
 

You listen to songs in your head, The lyrics all make sense now,you're seeing what you've never seen before !
You're looking at yourself,a stranger !
Someone you don't know.. 

 "HI,have we met? 

why do you look so familiar to me?"
 

In times you can never recognize your own self anymore..
 

Everything seems so horrible, 

so meaningless so you search for ways to lose yourself even more
in order to not be able to realize the fact of losing it long ago..

shattered away..in million pieces of me !

no, this post isn't just & no its not coming out from deeply in my mind

I have been loved,

world i have been loved and that's something i think everybody must feel at least once in his/her life time..

i have been loved and i felt it,

i have been loved and i touched it, 

i have been loved and i have seen it in his eyes,

i have been loved too much to a degree that it was hard for me to actually believe all that love giving to messy scary me.

i have been loved and i knew even before it came that I'd rather argue with him till the sky falls down on me than be with anybody else.

i have been loved and i have never find the right time or place to tell that amazing someone that " i choose him" 

that i wanna wake up with him, fall asleep with him and do everything in between with him.

i have been loved and i was too worried to enjoy it as much as i should have because i was old and wise enough to know that fairy tales doesn't come true.

i have been loved and that is something you should feel at least once in a life time.

i have been loved

thank you for once loving me.

sarah

why??

i wake up this morning with the following  question on my mind:

why we can't have hearts just like hair??

i mean hearts that you can cut it any time then it grows stronger and better as if it's brand new??

why??

answers would be very appreciated virtual world ...

2 stolen thoughts in a row

"There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but HAPPY." 

~ Unknown

stolen thoughts from maya angelou

"My life has been one great big joke, a dance that's walked a song that's spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself".

~ ~Maya Angelou ~~

me: hell yes it is !!

Just a random cross-section in a perfect world.

as i've been more lonely than before lately, i have been musing myself with writing a story in my mind never wrote it, never tale it before now, i just muse myself with its company and its place in my mind.

that story is about a girl, A girl who sees colors when there aren't any !!.

She sees building facades red and green. 

she sees cars as cartoon creatures.

flowers talks to her.

She doesn't see the ugliness of life.

as she lives in here own world/in her own bubble, getting her energy refilled from her long walks in the worm morning sun everyday, where streets are clear, and peaceful, and its just her, her music and the sun raising, brightening the world around her..

sunrise has always been a mood changing event for her since she was a little girl.

it instantly makes her feel fine and cheered.

so whenever I need some entertainment and/or support, I dig deeply in my mind and wonder what  would the girl who sees colors do..
and that's what I come up with:-

Blow soap bubbles and observe them as they fly up towards the ceiling and stick to it, then give fruit to other smaller bubbles like raisin grapes?

The girl never saw herself. 
She doesn't know how she actually looks like. 

And for this reason, she never gets old. 
People only get older when they look to themselves in mirrors. 
She only sees others and knows herself through their stories.

The girl, when she's sad, she takes a pile of white paper, coloring pens, and a pair of scissors.

She sits in the balcony steel chair, where the sun sheds its rays.and the wind gently cuddles her face

On each sheet of paper, she would draw a butterfly.

Big butterflies for the big concerns, and small butterflies for the small concerns.

She would then start coloring them.
she would paint in hot colors the ones that are noisy, that speak a lot, and in pale colors the ones that do not speak much, but who are hiding deeper inside her head.

When she's done coloring them, she would slowly start cutting them with the scissors.

As soon as she's done cutting a butterfly, its wings would start clapping, as if they were waking up after years of sleep.

Then it would fly immediately from her balcony, heads back to where it came from, behind the sun.

------

its not me its Edna St. vincent Millay

“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”
~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

this is just a quote right?.. its alright to post quotes/ quote other people, its not like i relate to these words or even think of anyone, 

disclaimer

i don't commit to making sense to others as long as i am making sense to me

and yes i know i shouldn't be doing so!!!

just note

So, this is my life?!!. 

well then I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be...

wearisomeness

i'm exhausted of  interfering people and their suggestions

i'm exhausted of acting as if i'm made of stainless steal

i'm exhausted of the fact that i only have one day off every week and i can't take vacations before 6 months 

i'm exhausted of stupid people's comments on the streets

i'm exhausted of the never out of time phrase " you have a marriage proposal" even at work they only knew me for less than 3 months and they started arranging for grooms for me

i'm exhausted of hating mozy, its too exhausting 

i'm exhausted of the fact that i now know how to lift myself up and letting me crash down or cry
................

i am exhausted that's all

wisdom from the day

some of the most important realizations in life happen in the blink of an eye... so we fail to understand how important it was to pay attention in the first place... 

should I ??

the intro

i'm the youngest single girl in my office, among a group of  ladies the youngest one of them is 37 or something

so far they are kind to me, always voluntarily showering me with advices about handling other co-workers

and teaching me how to do my work, or to be more accurate they end up to voluntarily do my work against my well and i accept their bossy actions, with a smile 

i don't wanna lose anyone and i don't want anyone to hate me, plus i'm still exploring the atmosphere

since my day one at the new work place i decided to challenge myself, not be judgmental, and just explore people, i decided not to reject people just because the seemed different than me in look, in mentality, in life perspective.. and above all i didn't want to do the thing i do best, the thing i always did which is "finding my way out of troubles via any mean/ taking the easiest way 

so far the plan is going fine, i am learning new stuff about life, people, work on a daily base

i'm bonding with new people

and.... i am ok , just ok not sure if i'm happy, but i'm calm, content and thats what matters 

i am pushing myself to positive thinking each morning, focused on keeping a healthy feelingless routine to my day don't want any extremes, even my famous mood swings i find technique to handle them ..

 the situation:

today at work one of my females co-workers said" i mostly like you for being on your nature, and followed don't let life change you, don't be artificial !!"

the thought:

i don't know if she mean this in a good or a bad way yet I said to myself 

"YES there's many things others won't do if they were me"

but they're not me.. 

and I am not them.. 

never will be, 

and not sure I want to be.. 

not in this aspect at least..

So, doing my stupid mistakes is better than faking someone else's smart actions.. 

the wisdom of the day:

"till it stops being painful".. it won't.

and here's my updates in plain words

finally i am here, to say my big news :)


i officially left my work and the whole telecommunications industry for good,
 no more mobiles. no more quota,no more sales..


the story
about a month and a half  ago i started preparing my file to present it to department of justice after my father pulled some threats and got me a job at the Supreme Court of Appeal,
 so after 5 years of feeling that my work is eating my life
i'll have a life, i'll have fixed times of work, have lots of time to do other things during the day, which amazingly fits the plan i recently put for myself.

i know the payroll is going to be less than what i used to take, but i'm totally fine with it
 as long as it will cover my expenses,
all my friends thinks that i'm stupid for making such career swap, but i'm really happy and comfortable, 
i believe that i'm taking the right decision  for me here, 
and common  be realistic its not like when i took the big salary i went clubbing every night, or spent my holidays at spas and getting tanned sitting in poles or shopping for evening dresses.


bottom line
 this thing was in my mind for many years, and it happening now is a perfect timing for me, 
as i need the change, and the different life.


second update
 couple of days ago i booked an appointment with an Orthodontics on wednesday, to straighten my teeth, 
which is another thing that has been in my mind for many years also.


* now my plan is complete in my mind i'll reveal it exclusively to you my virtual world (L)
i decided to give time for myself, lots of time.
i decided to get everything i wanted to do to me "look wise" and postponed it before done by the end of this year isA.
i will make me worthy loving me,working on my phobias, and issues that needs to be worked on.  
i'll finally do what i always wanted to do but was too busy extending my hand for others, while i knew that deep within me i'm a mess, i'm not complete 
i'll be complete on my own, to be able to give, to be able to share,
i won't live in a bubble as i did last year, waiting for love and appreciation to come from the outside, waiting to be loved to feel good about me and love me 
its just not right.
i am my priority for the time being.
i decided i'll no longer take risks for anybody, nor change my life routine.. 


*now to the part that has been rolling on my head since i got the news that tomorrow is my first day at my new job:


new day, new people, new place, new life, new expectations, new perspectives.... 
new,,me?!! still can't tell


*tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life :)
wish me well 
here, i'll leave you with this amazing song and say
nighty night

within a friday

i was planing to share some newly updates about my life, write a positive and joyful post since  last night
but i kindda got hunted/ distracted by some unwelcomed memories that pumped into my mind and some useless thoughts too, so i guess since the plan changed i will be posting a secret about me and a quote from grey's anatomy..


the secrets:
* i am an anti sociable person, not that i hate people but i just like spending my time with myself, usually i always come up with fake excuse or silly ones not to go out with anyone whoever this was.


* i never say the whole truth about anything to anyone no matter how close this person is to me , there's always a lie in the truth i say, there's always something not said, there's always something hidden just for me.


* i don't feel comfortable in big groups, i always have to feel unique, so it takes my a huge effort to bound with everybody and leave a good Impression , but i usually mess it up, and do somethings extremely foolish simply because i don't have the ability to judge people correctly from first sight.


the quote :
"we do not get unlimited chances to have the things that we want, and this i know, the missing of an opportunity that could change your life"
i so much relate to this quote for i am that girl who always waited for another chance to set something right, and once i do unfortunately life is not kind enough to accept it, 
being someone who wasted so many chances that i have been giving or asked for from dear people that my vanity made me take them for granted..


 for now i leave you with this music of special memories

and  i promise i cheerful, optimistic post really soon
thats all for now
xxxxx

one side conversation at the dentist today

my dentist: "Did something break inside last time? "

Because this definitely couldn't have happened today, it must be last time." 

That is the kind of speech I definitely don't wanna  hear while lying down at the guy's mercy! 
and despite the anger rage that is constantly Accompanying me nowadays I just  had two options to choose between

first: pretend that i overheard someone talking about a different person other than myself.
second: pretend I didn't hear anything " and thats what i did :s.

updates

isn't  it just typical that the minute  you take a decision, the whole world 
conspires to make sure you don't follow through!!

You start a diet, then your mum starts making brownies and cookies, and you get to be invited to lunches outside, that you can't say no to..

You get back to the gym, then work load starts increasing out of nowhere,

that you actually can't find time.

You plan and plan and usually fail!

and the only one to blame in all this is Murphy !

see according to the Murphy's law "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong"

But you know what Mr. Murphy, not this time! 

I'm determined to make it through..

actually i want to announce to my Dearest virtual world,

that I'm doing better,

hmmm actually i'm just not bad, but i think its a start and its enough for now.

I mean, at the end, despite the bumpy ride and the multiple attempts to spoil it,

January and February of 2010 wasn't that bad after all. 

I'll detail more in another post

thats all for now

B-bye

brain dump during a randomness mood

- Question : Why the hell do you torture me like that every time you feel like it?

Answer : because I can !

- Humiliation so painful that makes suicide sound convincing .

- A luxurious prison, is still a prison.

- Marionettes is a sick, sadistic sort of art , yet everyone seems to enjoy the show .

- Anger ate my sanity and i'm always angry , doctor says its because i drink too much coffee !! 

- Female on display .

- Even Barbie got a bad reputation , KNOWING that it's just a plastic DOLL .

- Hit your head against a wall ; your head will bleed, the wall will crack 
but the problem will remain UNSOLVED !

- One person's misery is measured according to their own standards .

- can Too much love make a person crave for loneliness , sometimes ??.

- Justifications are a guilty conscious sedative drug .

- No matter how logical a person's point of view, its still a POINT OF VIEW !

- The group of hypothetical people always "SAYING" their holly opinions 

upon EVERYONE'S behavior : MASS MURDER !

is there really ever a point?

How often have you looked at your past life
 and felt a slight ache in your heart ?

Ever stopped to think: 
what is it really that's causing these aches?

Where is this technology taking us?

Are we really growing further apart in distance to eachother
the closer we get through technology?

Have our intimate moments become electronic?
How clear can our feelings truly show through a screen text?

Is the grass truly greener on the other side?
 What about the side we'r on now?
Ever considered to watch its true color?
 or is it the greed human nature of craving for
what ever you don't have?

Can we have it all?!
and..
What are the measures to this ultimate satisfaction ?

How long
can it
can you make it
can you believe it
last?

Is there really ever a point?

It's Funny how all the languages we created speak against our nature!