rhyming alone in the new year eve

Days go by... People come and go... Everything changes... Except that foolish heart of hers, it keeps singing the same old song! Love me say that you love me fool me go on and fool me love me pretend that you love me leave me but say that you need me

the hardest part

the hardest part of the day when you are heart broken is the waking up ,rolling out of bed and down on your knees on the floor And for a moment you can't breathe then the Wondering starts was s/he really here in my life the hardest part in being heart broken is giving up on the one and only person you built your life around, giving up the dream that made you come out of bed and go through the days. the hardest part of being heart broken is when the truth hits you, knocks the hill out of you, that the best is not yet to come, nothing is more yet to come...

movies vs. real life part 4

following the other 3 parts, I present you with: ----------the work out----------- In the romantic comedy we always see a scene of her working out. It will usually follow a transformation point when she decided to make herself a better person, loose weight, quite smoking, dump the lame boyfriend, move to a better job, pursue her dream of being an actress/dancer/fashion designer/ Cello Player or something. She's determined, charged and well prepared; damn, she even brought a new training outfit. As soon as she enters the gym hall, all proud of herself, she sees all the beautiful well built people in the room and as she keeps staring at this good looking hunk at the back she walks right into a wall. But, she's still all filled with energy; she stands up, still head up and goes straight to the treadmill. The next scene, we see her on the elliptical-cross-trainer and we see a quick flash back how she always avoided/feared/had a miserable childhood memory with that particular machine, but hallelujah, she knows that today, if she pushes herself to use that machine today for just 10 minutes all her dreams will come true. Next scene, she's in a bubble bath, so proud of her achievement, with a cigarette in her mouth and a glass of wine in her hand, thinking to herself, that with that workout, she doesnt really have to quite smoking after all. Soundtrack: Turn the beat around by Gloria Estefan In the Drama version, workout is her escape from the troubles and routines of daily life. She doesn't need to go to a busy gym to workout, her life is busy enough with the demanding job, the family duties (whether she's a single mom, a rich businessman's daughter, an only child of elderly parents whom she's taking care of..etc). She has a small room in her home where she takes her music player and does her exercises at her own pace. With a yoga mat and a hanging sandbag, her routine involved sit ups, push ups, crunches , kicks and punches. In that small room she punches her pain away. She pushes herself beyond her limits each and everyday because that's the type of person she is, a strong woman who is going to have her way. The scene ends with her endlessly doing her crunches. Soundtrack: Fuego by Bond In real life, workout isn't really that much of a big deal. It's a useful distraction and an outlet for the negative energy one accumulates by time. She goes to the gym/ high impact classes /jogs regularly for at least 3 times a week for perhaps a month or so, then slacks for a month then back to work out for a few months and the cycle never seems to stop. Exercise fills her up with energy . her mp3player and her music is what makes her not thinking about leading man or catches up with her friends on the phone. However, in the high impact classes and other classes, she listens to the music the instructors choose, and imagines what life would be like if it was a movie and thinks of things to write in blogposts like these. Soundtrack: Get Together by Madonna or the voices of her friends on the phone

the story of the broken wing bird who can nolonger fly

blah blah blah .. blah blah blah blah blah blah post is erased you don't get to hear the story

MOVIES VS. REAL LIFE PART 3

To know where this post comes from, read the previous two parts of MOVIES VS. REAL LIFE --------FRIENDS--------- In the romantic comedy, the friends are the core of the girls life. She's on the phone with them while at work , goes out with them after work, they represent her alternative family; giving her advise, cheering her up while she's down, and go love her regardless of her awkwardness. In fact, they are equally as awkward as she is; the gay small time fashion designer by day Broadway dancer by night, the acupuncture therapist and her husband who writes crossword puzzles for a local newspaper and her best friend, the nail spa owner who is as hopeless in relationships as she is. The usually meet after a situation, on a round table, with drinks, hilariously making fun of their problems. And when she (leading girl) has the core crisis of the movie, they play the inevitable role of the selfless friends and gather all their savings to send her on the trip of her lifetime touring Italy to get over her problems/ or get her a one way ticket to where the leading man is so she can say sorry/ or even will all go on a short weekend to a ski resort for her birthday. The scene ends with leading man always crashing their hopes and dreams; goes over to Italy to bring her back home/ she boards the plane for that distant location as he drives to her house/ or even meets her on the way to ski resort so she leaves her friends and goes away with him. Although they're broke now (after spending their savings on a plan that never got accomplished), she dumps them on the single sight of leading man , they give her the "Oh, how cute!" look as she and leading man hold hands and walk down the road. They love leading man cause he makes their friend happy. Soundtrack: Days Like This by Van Morrison. In the drama, friends are not an essential part of her life. It's mostly family, her sister/mum/ cousin is her best friend. There are the occasional coffee meetings with the girls from work/ or the long walks along the coast with a friend who lives outside town but the main friend is a family member. The friend will always call at exactly the right time when she feels desperate and in need of a friend, she'd typically wonder where leading girl has been all week and complain that she doesn't return her calls. They agree to meet at the mall where they talk about the problem at hand. The friend gives the practice advice that is not always feasible as it lacks the human-emotions element. However, the friend plays another important role in a different scene; when the leading man needs to know a piece of information to surprise the girl/ finds out a dark secret and needs verification...etc, it's always the friend that sorts out that matter. The girl gets angry that her best friend told a secret to leading man since she's more of the "if he believes that then he doesn't deserve me" type. But since all's well that ends well, she forgives the friend once it works out with leading man. Soundtrack: I'll see it through by Texas. In real life, you have all sorts of friends; the ones that make you smile and those that make you cry, some that cheer you up and some that intend to hurt your feelings, some that you feel you have nothing left to talk about and some that you just can't get enough of. In real life, the same friend who has been selfless enough to make you happy blames you for it and then say they don't feel like explaining. In real life, even friendship is something that you have to fight for, it is not for granted and its not easy to maintain. In real life, you pray that your best friend's husband starts liking you. In real life , you pray that friends still like you when you start showing your depth; the confused, vulnerable and imperfect self. In real life, no matter how much your angry with a friend, or hurt by their actions you still remind yourself of all the nice things they have done for you. In real life, you thank God for every phone call or sms you get on those lonely nights. And in real life, you appreciate the friends you get,and love them, just the way they are :D Soundtrack: The remake of Sayed Makawy's El Leila El Kebeera or Sayed Darweesh's Ya So7bageya sang by you and your friends

movies vs. real life part 2

previously on movies vs. real life i talked about the intro and today is: ------ Going to work---------- In the romantic comedy the scene starts by her waking up , with a smile on her face, like she just had the most wonderful dream, then looks at the alarm clock and starts cursing and swearing that she woke up late for the millionth time. In a flash we see her all dressed , and ready to walk out the door. She walks to the tube station(call it subway, metro, underground ... whatever) where she meets one of her quirky friends and they take the tube . They talk while riding together till each of them reaches her stop. Leading girl then takes the bus for a couple of stops before reaching her office; it's the same bus everyday As soon as she steps out, she lights her cigarette and the driver (who happens to be the same everyday by pure coincidence) , always waves bye to her saying that she ought to quit smoking. She buys herself a cup of coffee from the cafe across the street from her office everyday, where the waitress knows her "regular" by heart.She crosses the street and greets the security guard while stepping in the building while she keeps staring at leading man cross the street. She slows her steps and walks towards the elevator while hoping leading man is fast enough to go up in the same elevator. Next scene, she's on her desk, looking at the clock. Soundtrack: 9 to 5 Dolly Patron In the drama movie, it's 6:00 a.m.; she wakes up right before her alarm clock rings, turns it off and gets out of bed. She goes to the kitchen and makes herself a cup of coffee while staring at the skyline from her high rise apartment. The sun is reflecting on the water of the river the runs outside and it looks like a good day. She takes her shower in a relaxed mood, dresses up and checks herself a million times in the mirror to make sure she looks right for the board meeting. She goes down the elevator and reaches her car in the underground parking only to realize she forgot her car key. She goes up again and while taking the elevator down again, leading man is in the elevator, her heart sinks. She tries to gather the courage to talk to him but all she could say is 'Indeed' when he comments that it seems to be a lovely morning. She drives to work thinking of all the things she could have said to leading man and wonders all the what ifs possible. She reaches her office, parks and goes up, greeted with a smile from everyone she sees. The scene ends with her in her office about to start the long work day. Soundtrack: Everything by Jehro In real life, she has no pattern as to waking up early or late, however she always takes an hour from the moment she wakes up to the moment she leaves the house. She almost always goes down the stairs to find that the porter is just about to start cleaning her car and blames her from coming down early today. She is almost certain he does that on purpose but isn't bothered to do anything about it. She gets in the car and starts the daily dilemma of "bridge or tunnel" and later in the drive, she regrets whichever decision she took. Driving to work is the time for thinking, contemplating , planning and coming up with revelations. Occasionally, her car time is interrupted by a phone call or two from her friends which she happily welcomes. Reaching work , comes the second major issue ; finding parking. But once that is sorted out by the kind 3am Sayed, she goes up to her office and starts her day. The next scene is her making her coffee in the kitchen , then sitting on her desk and starting her laptop Soundtrack: World spins madly on by The Weepies

thoughts about tolerance, intelligence and beauty

Tolerance I find it really interesting how many people who claim themselves open-minded , sophisticated , cultured and well-read would use the word "tolerance" to justify socially unacceptable behavior or ideologies. They would claim themselves tolerant to different religious/spiritual views, to taboo topics, eccentric friends ,...etc and even preach the more reserved about tolerating and accepting others. Yet, these very "tolerant" people would not even remotely accept a conservative or religious person. A girl I know , to prove her so-called tolerance would always preach "Guys, you should always be more tolerant. Take things easier. The world is very diverse and we should learn to accept each other. For one, I learned to cope with things; I have friends of all faiths." This same girl, when talking to me about my own brother would still say "I can't stand how those so called religious guys ,even though before they started practicing religion were so smart, immediately turn stupid upon practicing religion and insist on things like growing their beard or wearing the hijab". So she, for one, is tolerant to everything except her own culture. When will people like her learn that choice to practice any religion is a choice as much as it is a choice not to practice ?! And that deciding to follow what is culturally accepted is a choice as it is not to follow?! And I wonder, will there ever be a point in time will tolerant people learn to tolerate the intolerant!? Super smart vs super hot There was a public question on the radio "Would you rather be super hot or super smart?". Until a few days ago, I would have answered without hesitation, "super smart", because if you're smart enough, you'll either manage to look hot enough(for your own self esteem), or you won't care less how you (nor other people) look. However, in the past few days I've witnessed how many respectable ,intelligent ,sophisticated men are affected with beautiful women. No offense intended to anyone, but seriously, a hot chick is bound to have almost any man round her finger, even without her planning to. Even though I find it entertaining, it saddens me deep inside. I would have loved to think that intelligent men would choose brains over beauty but it seems that this was just a fairytale that I need to let go of. Having said that, I think I also need to face myself with the truth that: I do care what other people think and that I would love to feel attractive (at least every once in a while). And yes given a choice I'd rather be super hot in my next life, I mean, what have I accomplished with brains! Now reflecting on that last sentence I just wrote, I think it would be really ironic (in a scary way) for someone to look at me in sarcasm and say ,"So you've been going through your life, ya 7aram, all that time thinking yourself as one with brains !"

the stunning "no need to argue"

No Need to Argue is an album and a song by The Cranberries The album's mood is darker than that on Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can't We?. It shows a more mature performance by lyricist and vocalist Dolores O'Riordan, writing about war, death, love and disappointment. Her voice is clearer, without the previous album's double and triple voice layering. its a favorite soundtrack of mine, enough with the blah blah and leave you with the lyrics There's no need to argue anymore I gave all I could But it left me so sore And the thing that makes me mad Is the one thing that I had I knew, I knew, I'd lose you You'll always be special to me And I remember all the Things we once shared Watching TV movies on The living room armchair But they say it will work out fine Was it all a waste of time Cause I knew, I knew, I'd lose you You'll always be special to me Will I forget in time You said I was on your mind There's no need to argue No need to argue anymore There's no need to argue anymore

Viveca and Oleg

(This post is adult rated and not to the faint of heart ; it has explicit content, profanity and a deep questioning of life, the universe and everything. Proceed at your own responsibility.) The original idea of this post started by a conversation with one of my friends about my relationship-phobia. She said I should start blogging about an alternative me who lives in a different world with a different set of beliefs yet went through similar circumstances in life; perhaps a Swedish blond. The only reason why we chose Swedish is just to say far away from me. I mean, if my looks and my beliefs affect who I really am, then maybe a Swedish blond with blue eyes who is as far away from my religious beliefs would just be a good starting point. My point being, I have nothing special for or against Swedish people. Anyway, before I begin my trail of thought with you, I'd like to differentiate between commitment-phobia and relationship-phobia. I think the later is an advanced stage of the first. Commitment-phobia (or fear of commitment), as defined in Wikipedia is "avoidance of long-term partnership and/or marriage", while I would think that relationship-phobia is actually the fear of being a part of a relationship in the first place, even if short term. My first thoughts on the matter was that had I been Viveca (my Swedish Alter-Ego), and had a different set of ethics and morals, I'd probably be the person who sleeps around with married men, so I get all the fancy dates, the emotional and physical connections but avoid the dependency and commitment issues. Yes, in other words , a slut. Now I know that sounds disgusting , bitter, twisted and even sick, but bear with me till the end of the post. It actually took me a lot of strength to say the above, and the image of me doing that makes me, personally sick, but I had to question the idea, given that the entire last week , I've been seeing the weirdest things that force me to challenge that idea. So here are some of the things that happened, I think you'll find the reason why I needed to question: 1-Grey's Anatomy (you saw this coming, didn't you): the whole talk about infidelity, cheating, affairs, divorces, marriages, love, lost love, working out on a relationship that is obviously dead...etc. 2-An article I came across called "Affair-proof your marriage", which states that 60% of men and 40% of women have affairs in their marriage. Scary statistics! 3-Had a very interesting conversation with SOME GIRLS AT WORK about what would make someone get involved in an affair in the first place. Most of the reasons we could think of are , come to think of it, bullshit! 4-A movie I wanted to see for a long time although I never read anything about the plot, and finally got a chance to, turns out to talk ,quite explicitly may I add, about affairs, marriage and sex. 6-Another random article at a magazine I came across , "We all cheat, but we're not all smart about it" All the above, simply made me challenge my thoughts. If infidelity is so common, why do people still get committed? And if Viveca is a woman that 60% of married men admire, what happens to the poor wives of those 60%. And what kind of trust will exist between those couples after the guy meets Viveca? Or let me rephrase; can there be any trust, even if forgiveness exist? Can there be a relationship between a couple when one or both of them know the other is seeing Viveca. So basically, Viveca will be the slutty, home-wrecker, intimacy-ruinous, trust-breaker, potentially cause of unstable, emotionally messed up , vulnerable and un-trusting generation of children. As much as Viveca has a different code of ethics and religious views than I do, and as much as she doesn't care about the home-wrecker part, she can't possibly see herself, one day, responsible of a messed up generation of kids Which brings me to the grand finale of my post, FOR Once I break my own rules of not talking about religion on this blog, I just want to say, I find myself grateful for being a relatively religious Muslim, for the rules Allah has kindly guided us to, actually save humanity. Imagine, that the above was real, that Viveca actually was someone we know, someone who would help every man with a midlife crisis cheat on his wife. And that Oleg (the male Viveca), steps in to every woman with a postpartum depression. Had that been the real world, it would have been a sad sad miserable place where humanity turns into a jungle where the strongest survives on the weaker blood. I'm proud to be a relatively religious ethical Muslim who would rather stay single, alone, and maybe even lonely than be a home-wrecker and a slutty bitch. End OF THE THOUGHT AND I'm proud of who I turned out to BE.

World Spins Madly on

Cool song, The world spins madly on by The Weepies. Came across this song, on Grey's Anatomy, like everything else I come across these days. But I kept on thinking, where did I hear it before? And then I realized I actually have this song, as part of Because I said so soundtrack, which is another really cool movie. Anyway, I leave you with the lyrics: Woke up and wished that I was dead With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed I thought of you and where you'd gone and let the world spin madly on Everything that I said I'd do Like make the world brand new And take the time for you I just got lost and slept right through the dawn And the world spins madly on I let the day go by I always say goodbye I watch the stars from my window sill The whole world is moving and I'm standing still Woke up and wished that I was dead With an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed The night is here and the day is gone And the world spins madly on I thought of you and where you'd gone And the world spins madly on

WISDOM FROM TODAY

Every "Why" has a "Because" but there are some Whys that you ask yourself, that can mess up your head without even saying because..

tuesday secrets

highlights

* I am a slow learner. * I eventually know ALL the answers, just when it's a little too late. * I am starting to go back to my old self, something I've been missing. * I didn't become secretive, I am only learning (from Jeremy Clarkson) what to share and what to keep. * Unlearn, learn, and relearn :) * It is only when I stopped expecting that I started receiving.. * For the first time, I realized that being me would've saved me. Instead I was trying to be someone else, someone whom I "thought" would be better/more cunning/more practical/wiser than me.. I was wrong.. * Contrary to common sense, I am happy! "If I tell you something weird... will you think I'm crazy?" ~ Helena in "Mirrormask" movie

i am On my own..

Thank you for reminding me of the good times I can have on my own.. and thank you for reminding me of things I enjoy not on my own.. my little pleasures :) It's good to know, and it's good to share... the illusion of companionship.. :)

movies vs. real life

i believe noone can deny the effect of the endless movies we've seen on our lives. I mean, I know I'm not the only one to say that sometimes I feel like today is just another scene in a movie. So, yesterday in the workout , it occurred to me; what if my life is in fact a movie?! What would it be like? What soundtrack will be playing in the background? Who would be the leading man? What kind of movie will it be? I took those thoughts and explored them further later through the day and decided, well, probably noone would be interested to know what my life would be like as a movie, but then again it's a piece of my mind, I get to blog whatever I want. No? FIRSTLY SOME FACTS: 1- In a movie, any movie, she is the star, the one who the whole story goes on and on about. In real life, I am just another random person of the countless souls that roam this earth. 2- In a movie, the right soundtrack to play in the background makes all the difference. It can even give change the turn of events. In real life, there is no music in the background. Actually, in real life, sometimes , even when you have the right soundtrack in your mind, a neighbor practicing their "Twinkle Twinkle little star" on the high pitched irritating violin , or a passing car playing "2adeek te2ol makhadtesh" in a loud noisy shaky sound can absolutely ruin your mode. So let's just say that real life goes on mute most of the time. 3- In a movie, whatever the genre/type is, the leading man is tall , dark and handsome, with longish soft hair, plays the guitar (or paints) and has a British accent ( think Hugh Jakcman in The Prestige or Kate and Leopold but add the accent and the guitar thing. In real life, well, the leading man does not have a British Accent :)or know anything about soundtracks other than Arabic empty, shallow hits :s 4- In a movie, all the events happen according to a pre-scripted plan by the author and the director. In real life, at every single scene, I have to decide "what I want", which really isn't as easy as it sound, really! 5- In a movie, the final scene is really the end of it. The conflict/problem has been resolved, whether it's the happily ever after, died and went to heaven, died and went to hell, got cracked up and ended in an asylum. Really, it's the end of it. In real life, it just never ends... you keep going on and on and on.. conflict after conflict and by all means... happily ever after (or even happy for a while) is not even an option.

now the time has come

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- Of cabbages--and kings-- And why the sea is boiling hot-- And whether pigs have wings." ~Lewis Carroll, The Walrus and the Carpenter (a very cool thing to read) So, the time has come i think, to talk about everything.. basically talk with myself about everything in my life... it's the end of the year, time for employee performance appraisals :) so i thought what the hell, i might as well have an appraisal session for myself... contrary to what some might think, i am actually a harsh judge on myself.. I might not appear to you, the reader, as someone who has a clear view of where her life is going and a clear plan on how to get there.... but i do... yes, i may take the longer route, but come on, at least i enjoy the scenery :) and when am old and wrinkled, it's memories of the scenery that remain.. but i always keep my ultimate plans to myself... why? i don't know, i just like it better this way.. you don't get to discuss your plans with people and maybe need to defend them.. and you don't let people down when u make a change of plans.. plus, i don't like talk talk talk and no action.. i tell people about dreams, aspirations, sometimes.. but not about plans, unless it involves them.. but i do have some clear destinations in this cloudy head of mine :) first of January in 2009 somebody wished me a happy new year, and i replied that" 2009 hasn't shown me its mean face yet" i mention this now to say that it did show me its mean face in many things, aspects, people.. the funny part is that i'm glad and thankful that it did, i learned many things from all i went through this year, i changed, can't really say a change for better or for worse but i changed to the person i should be, i realized that living life is not about me or what i want, its about what i should be.. * What I'm reading These days am still reading Terry Pratchett's Night Watch... I've been very slow on reading the past few weeks, that's why i didn't finish this book till now... When i finish it, my next read is ready:The Book of Dreams edited by Neil Gaiman.. its a collection of short stories by different writers about The Sandman and other Endless siblings (who were originally created by Neil Gaiman.. * Smells I like Fresh rain freshly brewed good coffee in open air Good fresh bakery libraries -more than bookstores- (there is this distinct smell to books...) Baby powder the "smell" of the air in a clean place (mountain/sea) * I now noticed that my blog space is almost six months old :D So much has happened since then, its like I'm going back in history when i read this..

definition 11

Loneliness :: is when you look at the mirror and even your own reflection isn't there.

dear friends

In those rare moments when we bear our souls to each other, and still keep our smiles, I realize that friendship is indeed a miracle and that I have been blessed by having some really amazing friends by my side :)

thought from today

The hard part is, as it turns out, I'm not the protagonist in my own biography. And everybody else lives happily ever after. The End.

the monkey story

Not so long ago, there was a little girl. This girl was not so special in any way. Like all the girls she had her good and bad points. As time went by, the little girl started to feel lonely and wanted to get a pet. Everybody told her to get a pony. "Ponies are loyal" everyone would say, "Once they are with you, they never push you away". But every time the girl went to play with a pony, the pony would turn and walk away. Ponies didn't like to play with her and she always said, "It's okay, I didn't like the pony that much anyway. He was boring." But one day when she was walking near the pet shop she saw a monkey looking at her. She never liked monkeys but this one looked cute. When the monkey saw her looking, he started to make faces so the little girl smiles. At first, she turned away. Second day in the pet shop, the girl walks in, and the monkey tries hard to make faces so she would smile. The girl smiles but is so scared, she doesn't know how to take care of a monkey; everyone she knows has a pony. Days went by and every time she would walk in the pet shop she would look at the monkey and the monkey will make a face so she would smile. Finally, the girl decided to take the risk and get the monkey. After a while, the girl felt grateful for the monkey who always made her smile and she too, started to make faces so the monkey smiles. She realized that when the monkey smiled the whole world looked better. The monkey and the girl became the closest friends. They would do everything together. The girl told the monkey all her secrets and dreams. The monkey told the girl his dreams of being the world most famous circus monkey and the girl promised to help him. He took her to the circus and to the jungle. She didn't really like the jungle but went with the monkey because it made him happy. She used to think…" he is the best monkey ever….he is so cute and so funny…. I am so lucky that this monkey is mine…." But one day, the monkey got sick. At first he would sometimes laugh and sometimes cry, but he was nice to the girl who tried hard to make him smile. Then the monkey got worse, he hardly laughed and always cried and was sometimes mean to the girl. By then, all the girls' friends and family told her to let the monkey go. "Pets like that never appreciate you" they said, "he will never be the same and will always make you cry". But the girl told them,"No, not MY monkey". After all, she can always remember how the monkey tried hard to make her smile. Time went on, and the monkey got so sick he had to go to the hospital. The girl would call him everyday to make sure he is okay but after a while he stopped talking to her. The girl was hurt and started to cry, she loved the monkey; he was her best friend. She wanted to take all his sickness and his tears away but she couldn't and now the monkey doesn't want to talk to her. She waited and prayed that the monkey gets better. He would talk to her one day and refuse to speak for ten. But she thought "as long as there is hope, I will call the monkey to make sure he is okay". Her friends would say "It's not too late to look for a good pony" but she felt her monkey will be okay. The monkey got slightly better and went out to play in the jungle. The girl doesn't know her way in the jungle very well but she put on her best dress and searched for hours until she found the monkey. She thought she can finally play with the monkey like they used to, go to the circus and to the jungle but when she saw the monkey, he was strange. He didn't smile when he saw her. He even looked different, she couldn't recognize him if it weren't for his red t- shirt. But she thought she shouldn't give up and remembered how the monkey tried so hard to make her smile when she first saw him. She told the monkey she wants to play but the monkey said "Not today". The girl cried and cried because she felt very lonely and scared; the monkey doesn't love her anymore, they are not that close it seems, maybe not even friends. But when she remembered the first time the monkey made faces to make her smile she decided to hold on and be strong. One day the monkey would feel better and he will ask her to come and play… he will be the world most famous circus monkey and he will make her smile everyday. Everyday the monkey went to play and the girl sat there in her best dress so the monkey would ask her to play but he never did. The girl thought that if she swallowed her pride and asks the monkey to play he would be happy. "Maybe", she said "the monkey is too shy to ask me to play". She went to the monkey and smiled. She said "Let's play hide and seek. You can hide…I know it's your favorite". The monkey pushed her away so hard and he shouted "You stupid girl, I don't want to play with you ever again. Don't you get it?" The girl was shocked. What could she have done to make the monkey so angry? She only wanted to play, like they used to, in the good old days. But his push was so hard; it broke her heart. His voice was so loud; it made her cry. The girl couldn't stop crying and she waited for the monkey to come and ask her to play for days and days. But he never did. I'm not so sure what happened next. Some say, the girl gave up, and got a pony, like everyone told her to, "at least, ponies won't push her away". Some say, she gave up on pets, she lived her life lonely because the monkey broke her heart. Some say, she waited for the monkey but as time passed by she cried so much and drowned in her own tears. Personally, I'd like to think that the girl is still waiting for the monkey to come and ask her to play. Enough talk about the girl. Who cares about her anyway? This is the "Monkey Story". What do you think happened with the monkey?

can i ask you a favor technique

We all sometimes have things to ask of people, maybe favors, embarrassing questions, asking someone out, asking for something you need...etc. Some people are too embarrassed to ask, or they fear rejections. These, in my opinion miss out on a lot of good things that could be given to them should they have had the courage to ask. On the other hand, some people are quite comfortable with asking you any favor however big, and really get offended when you say no. These being bolder, are often met with acceptance, but sometimes just because you are cornered into saying yes.. so you do the favor, but do it unwillingly. Trying to find middle ground between the two extremes; I came up with a technique. What I do is, I ask the question straight forward, yet manage to leave a way out. And if the person replies willingly, great. If they kept silence or commented on the way out, then ideally, I'd wrap it up and feel no offense. Here are some examples: - I would have asked to borrow your black top, but I'm sure you'd need it through the week. - I would have asked you out, if I wasn't sure you are already dating. -Do me a favor; will you blah blah blah , for me. Actually, on second though, don't! I'm sure you don't do favors when it comes to your job. Nice technique, right!?

Quote, Lyrics and In a moment of insanity

For today's post, I'll just put a quote from one of my favorite movies, and a line from one of my favorite songs. and a thought in my mind These represent my mood now. From Love Actually, Daniel: So what's the problem, Sammy-o? Is it just Mum or is it something else? Maybe... school - are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all? Sam: You really want to know? Daniel: I really want to know. Sam: Even though you won't be able to do anything to help? Daniel: Even if that's the case, yeah. Sam: Okay. Well, the truth is... actually... I'm in love. Daniel: Sorry? Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it. Daniel: [laughs] Aren't you a bit young to be in love? Sam: No. Daniel: Oh, well, okay, right. Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved. Sam: Why? Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse. Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love? Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony. And from, Book of my life , by Sting There are promises broken and promises kept Angry words that were spoken, when I should have wept There's a chapter of secrets, and words to confess If I lose everything that I possess There's a chapter on loss and a ghost who won't die There's a chapter on love where the ink's never dry There are sentences served in a prison I built out of lies. and from somewhere deeply in my mind there's a thought IN A MOMENT OF INSANITY A struggle whether to give up and let go Or to stick with the hope and a memory of the day we laughed. A struggle with myself, to make a choice. Each option is torture, let go of a dream, of that day coming back Or stick with the pain until it does. After the struggle that went on for months In one moment of insanity, I decided ... Insanity came suddenly, too beautiful but too deadly... Perhaps it's a drug, to give you peace and tranquility But take away your soul… And in that moment I saw peace at a distance.. I knew I had to get there I just didn't know how Maybe if I gave up everything… Maybe if I tried… I let go of everything, One at a time Plans, Ambition, Career Friends, Family, Self All that remains is the insanity and the hope of the day coming back

Neil Gaiman knocks me out again in

(to listen to this beauty go to http://www.myspace.com/perilyons) I Google you late at night when I don’t know what to do I find photos you’ve forgotten you were in put up by your friends I Google you when the day is done and everything is through I read your journal that you kept that month in France I’ve watched you dance And I’m pleased your name is practically unique it’s only you and a would-be PhD in Chesapeake who writes papers on the structure of the sun I’ve read each one I know that I should let you fade but there’s that box and there’s your name somehow it never makes the pain grow less or fade or disappear I think that I should save my soul and I should crawl back in my hole But it’s too easy just to fold and type your name again I fear I google you Whenever I’m alone and feeling blue And each scrap of information That I gather says you’ve got somebody new And it really shouldn’t matter ought to blow up my computer but instead…. I google you

Movies on my mind: Bridget Jone both parts

Love that movie, both parts... They're actually my kind of funny movies; not the dump, slip-over-banana ,type of funny, but the sarcastic, dark, funny-in-a-sad-way kind of funny. Added to that, a happy ending to touch the naive girl in me. Thinking about the movie, after a smart conversation (with the pest friend may he be resting in peace) after i saw it first time I realized that perhaps I just need to acknowledge the difference between Mr. Perfect and Mr. Right (for lack of a better terminology). Mr. Right, is the good CV, the rich guy, with the expensive car, the house in the suburbs and the family name(النسب الى يشرف). Your mother loves him because well, he's right for her daughter. Your dad trusts him and can spend hours talking to him. And your siblings show him off to their friends. And then there is Mr.Perfect. Mr. Perfect is the guy you always fall for, he proves the type theory ( that each of us has a type that we fall for every single time). Usually, your parents can't stand Mr. Perfect and you can't blame them, as deep inside you know that he's wrong for you and will end up breaking your heart (unless you're extremely lucky and have Mr.Perfect be Mr. Right). In Bridget's world Daniel Cleaver was Mr. Perfect and Mark Darcy was Mr. Right. Or in her terms, Naughty boys and Nice boys. For her, she put a bit of effort to try to be with Mr. Right but it worked well in the end. In my case, even when I tried the Mr. Right option, I was proven wrong! Of course, in the movie, both guys are good looking and interesting. In real life, I'd expect Mr. Perfect to be good looking or at least looks interesting while Mr.Right would be fat, with issues and in his late thirty's. Go figure! naturally, the more deep/complex your personality is, the more complex and problematic your Mr. Perfect becomes. Is it the complexity that attracts us? Haven't proved it yet. I think the major problem occurs, when your Mr. Perfect is so far from being Mr. Right, cause (يا حرام), it becomes very unlikely that you can meet someone you actually end up with, especially if you , like me, try to be a bit rational about your decisions. Sometimes I think if I was a little less conservative/religious things would have been alright , but I know I'd never be able to do that since I'm a moral/ethical person. So I think maybe if I was a little less moral/ethical, but I know I won't pull that off either , since I'm a relatively smart person who can tell right from wrong and understand the consequences of my behavior. So I end up wishing/wondering/thinking what if I was like 60% less smarter... then life would have been heaven. But end of the day.. it's all thoughts, it's not real, and its not likely to happen. And at the end of the day, I thank God with all the blessings he has bestowed upon me, even if it gets me trouble. I'm sure God know best.. but, there's no harm in wondering. Anyway, I leave you guys with some cool quotes from the movie: Bridget: Wait a minute... nice boys don't kiss like that. Mark: Oh, yes, they fucking do. Mark: I like you, very much. Bridget: Ah, apart from the smoking and the drinking, the vulgar mother and... ah, the verbal diarrhea. Mark: No, I like you very much. Just as you are. Bridget: ...ah! New Year's Resolution: drink less... and quit smoking... and quit talking total nonsense to strangers... actually, quit talking, full stop. Bridget: You think you've found the right man, but there's so much wrong with him, and then he finds there's so much wrong with you, and then it all just falls apart. Bridget: Friends - they spend years trying to find you a boyfriend, but the moment you get one, they instantly tell you to dump him! And my favorite: Bridget: I truly believe that happiness is possible... even when you're thirty-three and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.

quote from today

"The greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves or rather, loved inspite Of ourselves" Victor Hugo

just a thought

ما بين ضوء الميلاد و نور الموت، يسافر البشر في رحلة ظلام الحياة كشموع في مهب الريح منهم من تهزمه الحياة فتطفأه ومنهم من يهزم بنوره ظلم الظلمات فينير حياة من حوله .ليس العجيب من يموت فيحيا ولكن العجيب من يحيا فيموت

Waking up in the morning

I always believed, and apparently so do many people, that the hardest part of the day is getting out of bed in the morning. Dreamers are satisfied by setting a major goal in life, like for instance "I will find a cure for cancer" or "I will bring all the world to peace". They wake up by reminding themselves; "Today, I'm one day closer to achieving it". Ambitious Realists think that if they have one goal at a time like "buy a new car"or "finish my PhD" and plan it really carefully. They wake themselves up everyday by comparing their progress to their plan and deciding how to move on from there. Naturally, the whole long term thing doesn't really work well for most people. So less ambitious and more easy going people choose multiple frequent short term goals, like "travel to sharm el sheikh in the weekend" or "make Mido fall in love with me". This is enough to make them wake up till that goal comes true and they go on by setting other short term ones. Personally, I tried all that, and still many times didn't find enough energy to get me out of bed. I thought and I thought and then I figured it out. After years and years of spending at least one extra hour in bed, I figured out the ONE thing that if I plan ahead, I get out of bed easily. And it is (drum rolling....) : what to wear! Sounds like an airhead, maybe, but honestly I figured out, that if I actually prepare what to wear in the morning, I save hours of staying in bed, looking blankly at the closet until I find myself snoozing the alarm clock again. So, my dearest readers, if you happen to have difficulty waking up in the morning, try preparing your outfit the night before.

anybody knows the answer?

How can you escape from a prison that you can’t find the walls that contain you?

definition 10

Sleep: the escape and the solution to most problems.

a little conversation with myself

p.s I apologize for this exhausting-to-read post. Feel free to ignore it, it's just another brain dump, to free some brain cells for some positive thinking! Older, not wiser, just older. I feel thirty something, I'm not even twenty eight yet, well, will be in a couple of months anyway. بس مش دى المشكلة دلوقتى . saso, you gained experience, you're smarted, stronger and more settled in what you want in life. yes, I'm tired, exhausted and still as lost and clueless. و بعدين انا مش فهمه , فين المشكلة بالضبط؟ You passed through many different types of shit, and you came out strong, why break down now? هو حد جيه جنبك؟ I'm reallytired, stronger على عينى و راسى. بس كل مرة a small un-recoverable part of my is broken; Yes, I do move on, but I leave a layer of me behind. I don't know how many layers I lost.. I don't know how many remain, but I feel like I lost more than I should, and that all is left is a ghost of what used to be saso بتاعة زمان ghost ايه و نيلة اية? يوه بئه لا و الله بجد.. I feel this weird emptiness. I try to fill my time to give some meaning to my existence. Ya3ni people come and ask me "what do you do?", and I say I am working all day, I write sometimes, I read a lot, I like music, movies, art and culture, I go to the gym, sometimes spend time with friends and read Quraan, religion among other things. But all that, still , doesn't define what I do or who I am. ياااااا بتجيبى وقت لكل ده منين اصلا !! طب تصدقى و تأمنى بالله لا اله الا الله يا سدتى I have so much time on my hands that it suffocates me. You know The Scream by Edvard Munch; that was me, in the picture, screaming my lungs out. Not that anyone else can hear me of course طاب فيه ايه؟ I don't really know.. I can think of the following words; big, strong, violent and fast. Big plans? Violent change? Fast life? A big strong punching bag which I can beat violently , and I want it fast? A strong drink or drug, that makes me happy fast? A big , strong dude who sweeps me off my feet fast and makes me fall in love violently? Like that exists! (PS, that was just used such that these combination of words are not used in other sentences making your mind wonder) Fast car ride in the big dessert! Strong wind in my hair! Violet waves crushing on the shore! مش عارفة بقى!.. I cant think of the full sentence , just like when you're stuck in a loop trying to remember the lyrics to your favorite song. Or trying to remember the day your heart got broken when all you could remember was your first date! ليه بس كده يا بنتى بس؟ Why violence? Why strength, speed? And why the hell big? Why not a simple quite life زي باقى الناس? ولا انت هاتفضلى دايما كدة تعبانى معاكى? ما هو بجد بقى موضوع باقى الناس هو الى جايبنى وره Right now, i'm leading a simple and quite life.. and i'm boring myself to death. The only thing that needs to be quite a bit is my tongue; I talk too much, much more than any average person would. I'm always in trouble because of it. But still, this isn't it. طب انت عايزة ايه بس, ربنا يهديك؟ I wish my brain would be quite.. not talking what's on your mind is relatively easy (for most normal people), but the hard part, is not having something on your mind, so you resist saying it. Imagine that.. saso has nothing to say.. that will be the day walahi! لا والله بجد Consider something happening, big, strong, violent and fast enough, that will leave me quite... not only quite from the outside, but really quite, from inside...

dump mind

when the feelings of love are so overwhelming yet not reciprocated... when there's a lot of giving you want to give but are suffocated... it's either noone deserves it.. or everyone does; but you just don't know how.. when you feel like sharing and you find noone who cares or noone worth sharing ... when you feel like screaming but there's just no air so you can't even hear yourself scream.. or even worse, when it's too wide of a space.. so the echo of your voice return back to haunt you, to torture you and leave you more pain... So you say I'll smile... if I fake it long enough I know I can make it.. but you don't.. and you look in the mirror to see a you that you don't recognize what you see.. i say "what " because it is a mess.. a mess you caused by all your faking.. and it doesn't get better, but you hope and you say.. one day things will be better, I will be better , prettier.. inside and out.. calmer, nicer, happier or at least content... but the longer you walk, the darker it gets.. and you worry.. how long will my candle last... back to the love.. which causes all the problems.. I'm in love with him.. in love with her.. in love with you.. in love with all of you.. and I don't feel half as loved as I love... I'm not given half what I can give.. and it's not fair... but you say "life is not fair".. but I guess I'm just tired of pretending I had it all when all I have is null... well , not exactly null.. I have a lot alhamdulilah.. I don't want to sound ungrateful... but I'm just tired of this whore they call life who only offers instantaneous pleasures but only if you pay the right price... look at me.. I'm quoting the same ideas that I heard criticized over and over .. ...hence the bitterness... ...hence the loneliness... ...I'm becoming everything that I hated..

addicted to gray's anatomy and some fuzzy thoughts

the thing about it, is that I keep thinking and philosophizing about love, life , the universe and everything; actually mostly life and love. And here are a few of my insights: *I dislike Meridith Grey; can't stand girls like that in real life, the ones that go on and on making mistakes and blame fate or love or life for their choices in life. You made a mistake, deal with it. You made your choice, stand up to it..kefaya dala3!I can't take compliments, or accept being spoiled I really don't know how to. I don't know how to react or deal with it, and when someone tries to spoil me just a bit or tell me a nice complement, I either freeze, say something completely ridiculous or crack a smart-ass joke that totally ruins the moment. I don't know if it's fear of getting used to something that I know is either unreal or will just go away in a matter of time, is it a control issue (I am a control freak in a way) , am I just not used to people being nice to me or is it a built-in feature in my system that one can't override. *My favorite character is Christina Yang. I wish I was as tough as she is, even in her vulnerability, she is stronger than most. As much as I pretend to be tough or wear my plastic mask, everyone who knows me, or reads my blog knows how to penetrate that mask. I feel transparent most of the time. *Christina panicked when Burk opened the car door for her. I just realized, noone has opened the car door for me before. I try to imagine my reaction to that.. no clue! I keep comparing myself to George, whom I really like, but he has those bits and pieces that annoy me as they remind me of me; being everyone's friend, clumsy, emotionally attached to someone unavailable, smart at work but not so smart in relationships, says all the wrong things all the time, show when I'm lying and can't keep my mouth shut for long...etc *I think I'm the least interesting women possible in a relationship and really I started to understand the reasons for the 2 ex-s. If we say that men don't enjoy the chase, like mysterious women , mind games, just a touch of mess and spontaneity then I am simply unattractive.. However, the above, in my opinion, make me an excellent candidate for a best friend. A convenient person, who likes to spoil you and get nothing in return, who will show you how I feel about you without any mind games, transparent about how I feel and think and believe, will gladly take the responsibilities which you leave behind , punctual and organized. What would anyone want more in a friend? *As much as I like to compare, I know that this is just a series and it is not real life. You ask for proof, I quote a Beautiful South in Rotterdam , "And everyone is blond And everyone is beautiful and when blond and beautiful are multiple they become so dull and dutiful" *And even though everyone is blond and beautiful and that doesn't really happen in real life, one thing really happens in real life and is worth a celebration: friendship. Seeing how friends lift you up when you're down is worth way more than anything you can possibly mention.

i miss you

Seems I'm not getting over you. I keep thinking of you and all the times we had together; the fun and the not so fun. I remember the days I used to complain, I was so naive, forgive me, I now know how much of an idiot I was to be sad in such a heaven. I miss everything about you. I miss hanging out with you, having coffee, sharing music, chatting with you, i miss having launch with you, watching TV, discussing BL episodes.. i miss seeing myself in your eyes, i miss feeling alive.. I discovered that since our life together was so fulfilling, I up on our social life, and now, its so hard not to have either of you. It's so hard to try to get in touch with old friends and I don't have enough of you. I'm becoming a social retard. Anyway, that's all side effects which I am trying to accommodate to. At the end I'd say,still i am thankful for the opportunity, the experience, this year together. Like they say, it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all, otherwise, how would I have known such genuine love. NOT OVER YOU Sarah

a thought from yesterday

rejection leads to running away, running away leads to feeling lost, feeling lost leads to i don't care anymore i don't care anymore leads to i don't mind anymore whatever happens to me happens,bring it on, whatever i'll end up to be i won't mind and when i get to i don't mind anymore i'll just play my role/obligations that's the time i know i hit bottom.. the above thought came together in my mind last night, its true, maybe a bit dark or sad but its so true.

sometimes

sometimes There Is No Next Time, sometimes there's No Time Outs, sometimes there's No Second Chances, Sometimes It's Now Or Never..

Cause I'll be fine Oh, I'll be fine

love winter, i particularly love winter mornings.. December is also Christmas mood, so throughout all December, whenever I ride with Fancy in the mornings, its Christmas carols and songs time :D She has this weird addiction that throughout all December she has to listen to it.. tans of songs, some so cool, some not, but the cool ones definitely put me in a nice sweet mood.. So this song is one of my very favorites.. It has a tint of sadness in it, but what i like is the hopefulness.. the girl's sound is lovely.. perfect for a winter morning Hey, maybe I'll dye my hair Maybe I'll move somewhere Maybe I'll get a car Maybe I'll drive so far They'll all lose track Me, I'll bounce right back Maybe I'll sleep real late Maybe I'll lose some weight Maybe I'll clear my junk Maybe I'll just get drunk on apple wine Me, I'll be just Fine and Dandy Lord it's like a hard candy christmas I'm barely getting through tomorrow But still I won't let Sorrow bring me way down I'll be fine and dandy Lord it's like a hard candy christmas I'm barely getting through tomorrow But still I won't let Sorrow get me way down Hey, maybe I'll learn to sew Maybe I'll just lie low Maybe I'll hit the bars Maybe I'll count the stars until dawn Me, I will go on Maybe I'll settle down Maybe I'll just leave town Maybe I'll have some fun Maybe I'll meet someone And make him mine Me, I'll be just Fine and dandy Lord it's like a hard candy christmas I'm barely getting through tomorrow But still I won't let Sorrow bring me way down I'll be fine and dandy Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas I'm barely getting through tomorrow But still I won't let Sorrow bring me way down I'll be fine and dandy Lord it's like a hard candy Christmas I'm barely getting through tomorrow But still I won't let Sorrow bring me way down 'Cause I'll be fine Oh, I'll be fine

Someones and Other Tidbits

Someone(s) i work with told me I don't complain enough! :D their point was that I take it as long as am able to handle (which is partially true).. the way i see it is that when i need to complain, i will have grounds because "its very rare when i do, so i must be credible..i don't think they take it this way. someone told me i am a workaholic -if only she see me at uni- but then again, at uni i had this image of an "academician".. always carrying many books, none of them is about any of my courses :) I discovered i really have a short temper for passive people, it makes me sick to my stomach.. and i've been having this lately a lot.. and then someone tells you "but he is kind ya haram!" and am like what :@? Kind and so he unloads his load of problems on me and expect me to react? Even in problems that don't concern me at all, if i don't feel people are not trying hard enough, i am starting to find it very difficult to sympathize.. Possibilities scare me.. And the fact that possibilities scare me is scaring me more.. OK lets take this one at a time, possibilities scare me because they let me know what is attainable, they make me aspire, they open new doors.. they bring into existence a wealth of unguarded dreams/hopes, and this is scary.. i want "contentment", but then i find i can get "ecstasy" so what was acceptable is now not matching the criteria, and i "raise the bar"! :) As for the second scary fact, I always prided myself on being someone who welcomes change and is open to options, blah blah, so the fact that i am scared makes me feel that i am so limited.. I feel that " so i want to be a happy settled person and that's it? Seriously saso?? I thought there was more to you than mere contentment".. So its an inner conflict, is it that i have no ambition? no horizon? or is it that i am sooooooo open to possibilities that i just accept them but am not willing to change them? I seriously don't know.. this has to do with everything.. life, work, relations, all..

LONELY LOVERS SYMPHONY

Lonely lovers symphony Is a theme just for one Lonely lovers symphony For those hearts so alone Desperate lovers bearing gifts Wrapped in love, stilled with hope Sparrows with their broken wings So far off from their home Those driftwood souls at sea Searching for a harbour light Drifting on endlessly In the bleakest dark of night Will they suffer more Will they reach the shore Will they find the door Lonely lovers symphony Is a song of the soul Lonely lovers symphony It's for those on their own (Instrumental Break) Lonely lovers symphony Is a theme just for one Lonely lovers symphony For those hearts so alone She left one chilly morn Leaving just a perfumed note Low into my heart I cried When I read those lines she wrote Said we should forget that we ever met But I haven't yet song by (Giorgio Moroder / Pete Bellotte - - Based on "Für Elise" by Ludwig van Beethoven)

gluttony

[1] She said: Remember how you told me that I should pursue a job that I actually enjoy not just one that I'm good at. I actually took your advise ; I quit my boring monotonous job a couple of weeks ago and decided to take time off and discover what I enjoy doing best. And guess what, I discovered I looovvveee to cook. I'm not sure how I will turn it into a job yet; I'll figure it out , eventually. But, honestly, I have you to thank. I never realized how I could be so happy just by doing simple things. [2] He said: I was flipping channels the other day and I saw her show. As a professional chef, you see, I don't usually pause on cooking shows, these are for amateurs. I'm not sure why I paused; I think it was the way she looked. I don't know, she isn't that beautiful in terms of physical beauty, but there's something about her. She's so passionate about her cooking. She makes Spanish omelet sound like the grandest gourmet meal. I know that this would sound weird, but I make sure to watch her everyday now. She gives the simple people a sense of enjoyment in the food they eat everyday. This other day, she was talking about a chocolate dip ; not fondue , not even fudge..just our plain boring chocolate dip, which is something I wouldn't even ask my apprentice to do, and I felt, well, hot from her description. I'm just fascinated by her. [3] She said: You won't believe who asked me out ; the master chef of the Four Seasons. Can you imagine? Me, asked out by the great master himself. The guy is sooo sweet , handsome, French and knows how to COOK, what more would a woman want. But I'm not sure I'm going. Why not? Isn't it obvious why not? He's him and I'm me. I wouldn't know what to wear nor what to expect. And what if we go to a restaurant , and I think the food is great and he thinks its terrible. He'll think I'm just a fat pig eating anything that is given to me? Or what if I don't like something and it turns out he likes it? Yes you're right. I should stop the what ifs. Oh, my producer introduced me to him at some random event. Well, I guess so, how bad can it be? I'll just meet him. [4] He said: I thought of asking her to one of my restaurants but I'm sure she tried them all before. She's a cook, and a cook should be treated in a special way. I haven't dated a cook since you know; I told you the story before. Anyway, I asked her to my penthouse; I knew it was a risk given the cultural implications , but its where I have MY kitchen and I wanted to cook something special for her. Setting up the place was the hardest; I decided no wine, I wasn't sure if she drinks or not, but I made several other fruit juices. I thought, romantic dim light, then I decide, might be mis-interpreted. You Egyptians are so hard to cater for, but it went anyway. I left the lights on, put a simple tablecloth on the kitchen table,arranged the cutlery and only mood music. But it went well, I think I'll call her again. [5] She said: At first I thought, his penthouse, fishy, but I remembered that he has been in Egypt for over a year now and probably knows he's not getting any with Egyptian girls. I thought of taking a bottle of wine, like in movies, but again, I didn't want to be over-westernized. I thought dessert, but he's a cook, I thought he'd be offended. Ugh..men are so hard to cater for. But it went well, I took some of my favorite home-made tapas as appetizers and put them in really cute containers. They looked like something you'd buy off Harrods gourmet section. He said he liked them; not sure if he really meant it or if he was just saying it to make me feel good. I was obviously very nervous at the beginning of our date. I have to tell you, his kitchen, is my dream come to life; everything organized, all the ingredients labeled, fresh home grown herbs, ...you name it, he has it. And the size of that kitchen... It's as big as my house. I love it. His cooking, how can I even start to describe it; he's like the king and all the cookware, cutlery, ingredients, his loyal subjects. It's like the butter melts on his knife before even being smothered on the chicken, strawberries want to be touched by his fingers before being dipped in the fondue, even the sweet peas were bending to make it easier for his knife to cut through them. Then the arrangement, plates raced to be his first choice for arranging food; nothing was placed haphazardly, everything made sense, the lettuce leafs can not touch shredded carrots without a layer of cheese to blend in the taste. And the taste, oh my God,is far better than anything I ever tasted in my entire life. It's like I haven't even tasted food before; how the chocolate fondue melts in your mouth at exactly the right time. Not too early so you've savored its taste but not too late that you grow accustomed to it; it melts at the exact moment that is needed to leave you wanting more. [6] He said: She came over again, this time she cooked. Nothing fancy, your regular steak and potatoes, side salad and a banana cake for dessert. Food was good, not good enough to hire her in my kitchen, but good enough for a family dinner on a Saturday night. But it's not her food that's special, it's how she describes her cooking. She is so good with words, and things sound so delicious when she says them. She was actually verbalizing how she butters her toast and I wondered if I have ever eaten something that tasty before, but in the end, it's just bread and butter. But I really like her, I can just sit there and listen to her talk about food. [7] She said: We're an item now, I think. Yes ,of course , we have other things in common other than cooking; like classical music , travel..umm.. Anyway, I look at it this way, anything in the end leads to food. For instance, we started talking about music, and the kind of mood it puts us in, and we realized, that Mozart is best heard with fillet au poivre with potatoes au gratin and saute mushrooms; Don Giovanni opera in particular needs Sauternes wine afterwards . On the other hand, Vivaldi, is best ,as expected, with Spinach Lasagna with Pinot Noir. We both enjoy culinary travel; that is to travel around countries trying their food, wines, you know. I'm not sure where its going really, but I think I'm in love with him. [8] He said: I proposed! I know .. I know.. I couldn't believe myself either. But I really love her. Physically? Well, she's a bit overweight, but she is sexy in her own way. I wouldn't say graceful, but she does have a unique way of carrying herself around. And she's really funny, a bit clumsy though. Come to our wedding! Oh of course, you can't , work ethics. Well, I'll be away for a while, but I'll get in touch with you as soon as I get back. and this was Gluttony another sin of the seven deadly sins Depending on the culture, it can be seen as either a vice or a sign of status. Where food is relatively scarce, being able to eat well might be something to take pride in (although this can also result in a moral backlash when confronted with the reality of those less fortunate). Where food is routinely plentiful, it may be considered a sign of self-control to resist the temptation to over-indulge. so gluttony (Latin, gula) is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste. In the Christian religions, it is considered a sin because of the excessive desire for food, or its withholding from the needy.

of the sveven deadly sins #1

I've been fascinated with the concept of the "seven deadly sins" ever since we studied "An inspector calls" by J.B Priestley middle school. I can't quite remember the details, but it was the first time I was introduced to the concept of the deadly sins. Then of course the movie "Se7en" starring Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman in 1995. I tend to go and read more about the fiction and history of the subject every-once-in-a-while; especially when I feel evil inside. Perhaps just to prove to myself that I'm not that bad after all, or at least not harmful. Anyway, having been in one of these down moods recently, i decided to write a series of short stories, one about each sin. Naturally, being me, these will be modern relationships stories, not those of the "if you go this way, you'll end up that way". here's the first... She knows she is supposed to be happy; they just won the big case they've been working on the last six months. As the team goes out to dinner to celebrate victory, her mind wanders off to recall the last 6 beautiful weeks in Paris. Day and night with him, yes working, but with him. Getting closer, more comfortable with each other , he has become a necessity in her life but he doesn't realize it- she hopes- which is good. No matter what her feelings are , a relationship between them is a risk, and risks are out of the question. She keeps reminding herself all the time; he's 3 years her junior and that, on its own, is taboo enough back home. He's her mentor and that is not likely to change for the next few years in the firm. Not only that, but he's also the youngest son of the most influential partner in the firm, his dad, uncles and brothers run the biggest law firm in the region. So it's not just her job in this firm, it's her entire career. He interrupts her thoughts, "where are you?" She looks at him shyly and says, "Sorry, I got lost in my thoughts", but she would have liked to say ,"umm, thinking of you, as usual". "Well I don't blame you.", he jokes, "It's really boring having to sit with those lawyers as old as your grandpa." "Be kind to the elderly, kiddo", she teases, but she just has to bring the age thing up everytime to remind herself "You keep saying that, and I keep telling you that it's only a couple of years between us both; so don't make a fuss about it, or I'll be forced to use my authority", he teases. "Yes, sir , boss", she jokes thinking how she loves his wicked smile. "I tell you what," his eyes shine, "let's ditch the grandpa's and go do something young and stupid." "Like what, for instance? Neither of us drinks, so bar hopping is out of the question. Neither of us is into dancing, so clubbing isn't much of an option, really. Theaters have to be booked in advance and we actually saw all the movies at least twice. " She jokes, but in reality she would have loved to say, "we can always go to your room and make out, sexy" "Let's just go walking by the Sine. The weather's lovely, and it can't be as boring!" "You can't be serious." "But I am" "What about this dinner? We can't just leave in the middle like that." she hates herself for saying that when she would have loved to go, but she keeps reminding her self, it's her career. "And why not?", he says in a way which she can't really interpret if it's a joke or if he's being serious. "It's just not right. Business Etiquette." "You always play it safe, huh?" he gives up She smiles. After a long hour of empty conversations and social obligations, dinner is over and everyone waits to get in taxis to leave. "Come 'on, let's go walking", he suggests again "I'm too tired and it's almost midnight." but inside her she would have loved to go, moonlight, Paris, midnight , with him.. what a dream come true.. but she doesn't want to get too emotional and blow up her calm professional appearance, just a night before they leave. "Hey.. you promised" "I did no such thing" "Come' on lazy.. It's our last night in Paris. I'm using my authority as your mentor and supervisor to force you to walk with me", he teases, as usual. She gives him the childish pissed off look, "okay" They walk, not saying anything for a while. The silence is killing her, but she remains silent, afraid of what she might say. Time moved so slowly, and it might have been minutes before he spoke, but to her it was hours of anticipation. "So you always play it safe?"he says casually as they continue walking, not bothering to even look at her. "what happened to , it's a beautiful night! As an icebreaker"she thinks to herself , but steadily looking at the beautiful Paris she replies. "Yes, always" "Never take any risks?" "Not that I recall" He looks her straight in the eyes and asks "Not even with you heart?" Her heart starts beating faster, feeling him stare in her with his piercing eyes and uncover what she's trying hard to hide; but with a cool smile, she looks briefly to his eyes and says "not even that". He smiles and lets go of his look. She almost sighs but holds herself still. "What game are you playing?", she wonders. More silence. They walk by the Seine until they reach a spot viewing the Notre Dame where he says, "I always favored this spot" "Then let's sit for a while. I need to rest my legs anyway." She lifts herself to sit on the concrete walls that everyone uses as seats overlooking the river, trying to avoid looking in his eyes. He stands right behind her, that she can feel his breath near her skin. "You like me, don't you?" he asks, as he lights his cigarette and puts it in his mouth "Where did that come from?! And why so direct!? Self , be still, we'll smart-talk ourselves out of this one", she thinks to herself but replied with a shocking confidence, "You're my mentor. Of course I do." He chuckled and said, "Of course! But you hold no special feelings for me?" Her heart beating faster, "but I do. Everyone in the firm does." She somehow knew he was enjoying this, game of verbal chess but she was too tense. "And do you think I'm attractive?" "Of course I do. Don't you?", she replies to him but thinks "what the hell did I just say! I'm putting myself in a stupid corner here." "Of course you do?!" he asks in amazement then continues "don't I think I'm attractive or don't I think you're attractive?" "Shit!", she thinks but says "I don't know!" then she thinks "shit shit shit.I don't know. Stupid" "You either have no heart or have no shame!" He replies coolly. "I have a little of both actually" She pauses for a second then says, "It's getting warm, right? I need to take of my jacket" She expected him to move a bit so she can take her jacket off, but instead , he puts his hands on her shoulders from behind, then slowly grabs the collar of the jacket and slowly slides it off. "This is so not going well", she thinks to herself, trying hard not to show any emotions or physical responses. And as he puts the jacket beside her he says, "My oh my. One shoulder top" he laughs, "that's not very safe, is it?!" While struggling to steady her heart from beating faster, she intentionally breathes long breaths but she exhales out by mistake, one breath that he could hear and he's there standing close , seeing, feeling , absorbing her.. touching her?! "Touching me? Is it real or is my mind playing tricks ?" His fingers are actually very softly touching her bare shoulder. "You know what you remind me of?" he asks. "No" , she replies, getting more tense and he touches her. "You remind me of the Netherlands in spring" "I've never been to Netherlands before" "Well. You know all the flowers that we buy back home are imported from the Netherlands." She nods but says nothing "So imagine, a bouquet of flowers, with the beauty of the tulips and the amazing aroma of the roses. Now think about it, those flowers back home, have been cut prematurely , tossed savagely and brought to us, loosing most of their beauty and aroma. Now imagine a flower growing to its full beauty, in a beautiful weather , no pollution, so its sweet captivating aroma grows to its strongest. Can you imagine that?" he asks as he runs his fingers through her hair. She tries to stay still, not to shiver, not to show him that she has fallen to his spell; his words put her in a trance and his perfume with a hint of apples, cinnamon mixed with his tobacco set her heart on fire. "why does he have to be so sexy? Why stand so close? and why the hair, my weak spot? Why oh why? " She smiles politely and says, "Yes, it must be wonderful" He continues, "Now imagine millions of these flowers, of ever shape and color. Imagine these flowers in spacious gardens , designed and trimmed to make the most spectacular view. Like a Monet painting." She feels his breath getting closer on her skin , then he inhales and says, "And you smell like it too. See in spring time, when the sun is shining strong enough for the flowers to grow but not that strong that it burns their sweet petals," and he starts messaging her shoulder, passionately," the rain is falling just barely for the aroma to liquidate, and add a little breeze of air just enough for the liquid aroma to spread and fill the air... That very moment, is the smell of you." "Oh God! Self, don't shiver, don't let it show."she thinks to herself, but she shivers, she always does when she gets this.. umm.. nervous feeling. "You're shivering, are you cold?" he asked "umm, let's continue walking" she suggested, turning away from the river and stepping down to the floor, but he didn't move. He stands there in front of her, not moving. She tries to take on step to the side but she slips and almost falls. But he catches her and supports her up, with his hand on her waist, yet does not move. "Why are you so nervous?", he asks. "I'm not." "You're a terrible liar" , he says as he moves closer. "I know", she says , blushing. He moves his arms behind her back , moving his face closer to hers and engages her in a long, passionate kiss. She can't tell if it has been seconds, minutes or hours later, because she was lost in emotions but she felt him touch her chin, pushing her face up gently, till her eyes meet his, and then whispers "I love you". Blushing, she buries her face in his shoulders, holds him tight and says... And this ladies and gentlemen, is my episode on LUST

of the seven deadly sin: sloth

Oh my darling, how I wish you were here now , after the day I had. You couldn't possibly imagine how your absence is affecting me. My life is lifeless and shallow without you. Oh , darling, how I miss you so! You've been away for quite sometime now and I am counting the days, hours and minutes till you return. I waste my time through night and day waiting and waiting. And I wonder, is there a one percent chance that you feel the same way I do? My darling, be sure that I am not greedy nor selfish. I love you just the way you are. I love you knowing that you no longer feel the same way for me. I love you knowing that all I can be , is just a tiny insignificant detail in your life. But, darling , it's fine, really! I never expected and never will expect anything in return. I might appear too crazy to my friends; but, the way I see it, is that love is the ultimate goal. To love you, is enough for me. To see you happy, makes my day. To have you to think about, fills my time. To wake up thinking what to wear to look my best to see you, is what actually gets me out of bed every morning. Oh how much I miss you. Every day , I'd, where I wonder; could I have , perhaps once, even for a split of a second, have crossed you mind? And if I were to cross your mind, what difference would it make? You and I , just like night and day, are at two opposite ends of the world. I know that! I know that this is how things are meant to be. But right now, I don't care. All I care about is how much love you! All I do is daydream of you! This ladies and gentlemen was sloth,one of the seven deadly sins! For sloth does not only mean laziness; it also means sadness and apathy! Hope you enjoy!

atribute to all the losers up there

five or six years ago I had many groups of friends, each with their own mindset, sense of style, definition of what's cool and what's not, what's wrong and what's right, what is fun..etc. I used to try so hard to belong to each of these groups , to fit in only to realize that I was just a little bit different. Yes, they are all my friends. Yes , I have a lot in common with them. But there was just something missing. I always felt like something was missing, no one understood what I felt, what I want ...etc. I made it a point to prove I was different than everyone I met. after those five or six years, I had less groups of friends, again, each with their own everything. I refused to admit I belonged to any particular one, but naturally, I found myself at ease with everyone. I believed in the concept of "one", that we are all the same, no matter how much we claimed otherwise. I made it a point whenever people would say that I was every other person. When people would say that I changed, or that I was so unique, I'd argue so hard to prove that no, I'm not, I'm just like you... whoever you are, whatever you are. And I was comfortable with this belief for a while. Then a while after, when I started to doubt and re-question everything. I questioned my own self.. was I the same as everyone else or was I unique and different. Then I came to the comfortable realization that "I am unique, so is everyone else", which although satisfying as a theory, doesn't really work in real life, because we all struggle to belong somewhere.. anywhere.

trapped

its like when you are in a room and you can't open the window. the problem is there's no window, and every day the room gets a bit smaller around you, but in a very slow way that you don't notice it happening, it gets smaller by inches. then one day you wake up and you can't stand up, then you can't move, then you can't breathe because there's not enough air left.. and at this moment you can't think of anything or anyone but yourself, and how to get yourself out of here,how to have enough air to breathe. p.s i was taking about myself and how it has been for me for almost a year now..!!

Memory persistence

the fact i discovered: time changes nothing, i've been relying in a phrase that has been repeatedly said over and over through the years that says "time/life goes on" reminding myself that i'll forget with time, that somehow my memories, feelings, pain will someday vanish, but what i found is that time and life has stood still since he somehow find the guts to stay away from me, to cut me out of his life.. you know whats the saddest thing about it is that things between us has come to this level. and the only phrase for him that's consistently in my mind now, the only phrase that's hunting me is "when somebody gets into your heart if he/she came out he/she come out with flesh and blood" look who's blood is in your hand's now..

i'm thankfull for these things

p.s don't get used to this "sunshine mood" Rehab city and my key, makes me feel I've a place to turn to whenever i can't find my way. the smell of coffee Breakfasts, coffees, lunches and phone calls with special people who don't need small talk. dear people whom I would tell "call you back" and then call them back a week later. friends who would listen to me going on and on and on about useless blah blah blahs and they still would have the decency to not bang my head (or theirs) against the wall in despair! a father who compares me to Israel whenever I try to act friendly with him (and end up taking his space and sharing his food!) a father (the same man) who would say that an age difference of 20 yrs is not much between spouses, but would immediately yell at me when I say, so it is OK for me to marry a guy in his late-40s. a mother who would understand when I tell her that as a child I used to wonder why my father married HER, as a teenager I used to wonder why SHE married him, and as an adult, I understand and I hope to have what she had. believing in a God who treats/judges us "bema howa ahloh" not "bema na7no ahloh". having been loved by people throughout my life, not so much so that one person would kill himself for me, but enough that ALL the people who love(d) me combined would sacrifice maybe a small chicken or something for me. Well, maybe just a pigeon, or a frog. Something! having special people in my life who understand (and hate) my attachments, detachments, and general commitment phobia. being able to remember names, faces, and events that I only know through the cyber space (thank you Facebook, Blogger, and Twitter), even if it gives me a creepy, stalker-ish edge! feeling that life is both over- and under- rated. having A.S may he be resting in peace as a mentor/friend who brought me to tears with anger, intensity, and happiness at different points over the years.. who called me a drunk Sufi sometimes and 3abla Kamel other times.. who made me see how scared I am of people having expectations from me, and who made me look for answers and patterns, and helped me understanding that the "dog crossed the road" just because the dog crossed the road.

1/12/2009

I was born to catch dragons in their dens And pick flowers To tell tales and laugh away the morning To drift and dream like a lazy stream And walk barefoot across sunshine days. - James Kavanaugh